Gross Things

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Lady Gaga Does Not Want Your Breast Milk Ice Cream Named After Her

Lady Gaga is certainly eccentric, but she has her limits. Like for instance when a British ice cream shop called the Icecreamists started selling ice cream made out of human breast milk and calling it Baby Gaga, she put a stop to that right quick. Gaga’s lawyers sent the shop a letter calling the product “deliberately provocative and, to many people, nausea-inducing,” the irony of which was lost on them. (Not that we personally find the Lady nausea-inducing, but, come on.)

The letter from Gaga’s lawyer continued “The references you are making to Lady Gaga are thus clearly deliberate and intended to take advantage of her reputation and good will. Associating the Lady Gaga mark with a food product which may be unsafe for human consumption (owing to the risk of it carrying such viruses as hepatitis) is also highly detrimental.” The shop’s owner, Matt O’Connor, is prepared for a battle with Gaga though, and responded “As for her assertion that our product is distasteful, perhaps she should reflect on her blood-spurting performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, or the fact she wears clothes fabricated from the flesh of dead animals. We have applied to register the trademark Baby Gaga and are confident we’ll secure this.” Touché, Matt O’Connor. The suit is kind of pointless at the moment, though—the shop had to stop selling the ice cream for the time being because it was banned for health reasons.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Anna Faris Sexts Her Dad By Accident, Parts Of Our Souls Die

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We all have nightmares about it, but leave it to Anna Faris to accidentally sext her dad. As the Yogi Bear star explained to Ellen DeGeneres in an interview airing next Tuesday, she used to sext husband Chris Pratt all the time…until the unthinkable happened. “But one time I was sending him a text and I accidentally sent it to my dad. I wrote, ‘I can’t wait to see you in bed tonight,’” explained Faris. NOOOOOOOOO! Faris never actually mentioned the text to her dad after that (who would?), so her apology on Ellen will be the first time she’s ever addressed it. The text was sent a year ago, so unfortunately it’s way too late to prevent Papa Faris from setting his phone on fire and throwing it into a lake.

Whispering sweet nothings into her dad’s inbox, however, isn’t the most disturbing mistake Anna’s made while texting. “There was a close call with my husband’s nephew who’s like nine years old. I know. We’ve stopped now,” Faris revealed. So is Anna just mashing her hand into the dial pad instead of dialing? In case anyone needs more evidence that fourth-graders shouldn’t have cell phones, this would have to be it. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kelly Osbourne Has To Get Feet Broken In Horrible-Sounding Surgery

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News came today about Kelly Osbourne’s surgery, and most surprisingly, it’s not of the plastic variety. It is also horrifying. “[Doctors] have to break bones in my feet and reset them. I’ve put it off because I’ve not been ready to not walk for a month,” explained Kelly, right before we passed out due to the painfulness of that mental image.

While Kelly has had foot problems for a while, the hours of practice and punishing routines she had to perform while a Dancing with The Stars contestant in 2009 “kicked it up about ten years [and] made it worse.” While a season on DTWS may have damaged Kelly’s feet, it also helped her lose 50 lbs and tie for Jennifer Hudson for Fitness magazine’s Best Celeb Slim Down. Hot body or normal feet: it’s a choice we all have to make in life. On the plus side Kelly, probably no one will notice your broke-down feet while you’re in that wheelchair for a month. Time to invest in some statement hats! [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

The Kardashians Tell Conan About Using Mayo On Their Lady Business(es?)

While chatting last night with Conan O’Brien, the Kardashians revealed the ultimate in secret beauty tips: slathering mayonnaise on your vagina! Explained Kourtney, “I told Khloe that I found her sex mask under my bed, that she’s been looking for, and then she wrote me back, ‘Oh my god, I found your jar of mayonnaise that you use on your vagina.’” It just gives it that extra zip! Said Kourtney, “People were like, what does mayonnaise on your vagina do? And we said it makes it shine like the top of the Chrysler Building.” Shine like a beacon of American progress, ladies!

Wet blanket Kim quickly stepped in, complaining, “Talking about putting mayonnaise on your thing is not appropriate,” which is pretty ironic coming from the one Kardashian who has shown her Miracle Whip to the entire world. Eventually the ladies admitted that it had all been one big Twitter-fueled joke. Oh yeah…we totally knew they were kidding. On a totally unrelated note, do you think Costco takes returns? And do you think we can return a half-used drum of Hellmann’s?

by (@hallekiefer)

Snoop Drops New Song For Prince William’s Bachelor Party, Is All Kinds Of Inappropriate

Now we know what ya’ll be doing at 4:20pm today if you live on the West Coast: listening to Snoop Dog’s new song for Prince William’s bachelor party, of course! That’s what you guys were thinking too, right? Rumors had circulated that Prince Harry wanted Snoop to perform at his brother’s last night of freedom, and because Snoop is basically a king among men he took it to the next level by composing a new tune. Those of us here on the East Coast can have a listen at 7:20pm. The only downside to the whole thing? The title of the song…is “Wet.” Guys, come on! Kate Middleton gets the chance in a million to be an actual princess, and you are ruining this for everybody being lewd! We’re not saying we aren’t going to dance when it plays on the radio, but still. Have some composure!

According to his PR team, the new Snoop Dogg song “Wett” “is the perfect anthem for Prince William or any playa to get the club smokin’.” Man, 4:20 can’t come fast enough! We’re still talking about the song! For the most part. [Photo:]

by (@hallekiefer)

Halloween Comes Early When Evan Rachel Wood Gushes About Ex Marilyn Manson

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Halloween is just around the corner, and what better way to make your spine tingle and your skin crawl off your bones then to listen to what Evan Rachel Wood has to say about her ex, Marilyn Manson? Gushes Wood, “He had a hand in raising me!” Spooooky! O wait, we mean super gross! Considering the two dated when Wood was a teenager, Manson probably was exactly like a father to her: a creepy, make-up-wearing father who kisses you on the mouth. If the idea of Marilyn Manson’s lipstick smears on your teenage face doesn’t scare you, no evil thing will.

Wood raves about her long-time on-again, off-again beau: “Oh, I’m always gonna love that guy. He’s a genius, he’s an amazing artist, we’re still friends. Some things just aren’t meant to be.” Yeah, some things aren’t meant to be because people grow apart, and some things aren’t meant to be because all the forces of good in the world are actively trying to pull your fright-fest relationship apart.

Luckily dating Vampire-Dad doesn’t seem to have affected Evan’s career success. Moreover, her co-star in Mildred Pierce Kate Winslet tipped Woods off to a hair-raising secret. Says Evan, “I always had a rule that I was only going to do topless and never the whole package, I have to have some kind of mystery! But she then explained to me what a merkin was…” If there’s anything more horrifying than a tiny wig of fake pubes, we pray we never have to see it. Happy Halloween, everybody! [Photo: Getty Images]

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Our Tear Ducts Weep As Claire Danes Shills For Eyelash Medicine

Dear Claire Danes,

Longtime fan, first time open letter writer Liz Black of TheFABlife here. If I may be so bold to ask, WHYYY are you doing these commercials for Latisse, the eye goo that helps your eyelashes grow to Snuffleupagus proportions? We thought you represented everything cool about under-the-radar celebrity chic and independent style. We never thought you’d consider shilling for a drug with warnings on the label like “May cause hair growth outside the intended margins“. I mean, that sounds HORRIFYING, Claire. Pretty sure even Brian Krakow wouldn’t find that sexy, leaning in for a fantasy kiss with Angela Chase and realizing her eyelids are covered in tiny, ill-placed lashes.

Of course, money is money and vanity is vanity. Everyone wants beautiful, natural lashes. We can’t all be blessed with the black, eyeliner-y lashes that Lost‘s Richard Alpert has. But this Latisse stuff, once the domain of professional shiller Brooke Shields, is just weird and unnatural. And the time-lapse eyelash growth in the commercial makes it all the more creepy and gross. Look, to each his own, it’s not like you’re Heidi Montag, running off to get ten plastic surgeries here, I don’t want to beat you up over this. It’s just that that’s just IT! You’re not Heidi Montag! You’re not even Brooke Shields! You’re actual good actress Claire Danes! You don’t need this. The world doesn’t need “inadequate lashes” to become a real thing. And we don’t need the memory of you saying “Grow it! Show it!” while hairs in your eyes lengthen to the point where they need to be combed out of the way. That’s all. Loved you in Little Women.

Ever yours,

Liz at TheFABLife