So folks at NASA and archaeologists and real news reporters are trying to tell everyone to simmer down about the apocalypse coming on December 21, because of science and stuff. But we’re beginning to suspect differently. Even if the Mayans themselves didn’t think the end of the 13th baktun (things we’ve learned this week!) didn’t actually meant the end of the world, we’ve noticed some signs that really, we should just give up and retreat to our bunkers right now. Let us count down our top 10:
10. Gossip Girl was Dan Humphrey all along! (And also, everyone on the island was dead!) Oof. The resolutions of series-long mysteries are never as good as we want them to be, probably much like the answers to life’s big questions. Bleh.
9. All the hip-hop greats are running corporations, starring on reality-TV shows or dating the stars of reality-TV shows. Not that they shouldn’t trade thug life for the good life, but did they have to sell their artistic souls in the process? Read more…
Oh Adam Levine. Poor, sweet, naive Adam Levine. Clearly we do not agree with his sentiments that Honey Boo Boo a.k.a. Alana Thompson is “the decay of Western Civilization,” but more importantly, we wonder where he’s been lately? “Seriously, Honey Boo Boo is the decay of Western civilization. Just because so many people watch the show doesn’t mean it’s good,” the Maroon 5 singer told GQ. “So many people witness atrocities and can’t take their eyes away from them, but that doesn’t mean they’re good. That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That’s. Ever. Happened.” Oh sweet boy. Are he kidding? Here Comes Honey Boo Boo isn’t even the worst thing we watched on TV today! If Adam genuinely thinks Honey Boo Boo is a harbinger of our society’s demise, then where were his sharp observational skills when we first heard about….*
We don’t really have much to say about this, except that Jimmy Kimmel is kind of a genius. He’s really good at spoofing things people love in a way that makes even the most devoted fans laugh. So we hope you agree that the above Breaking Dawn – Part 2 video, about Edward and Bella’s real daughter, Honey Boo Boo, is funny in the best non-mean-spirited way. Also, don’t watch her sneeze while you’re eating. We just hope her endearingly uncouth ways don’t put off the Denali clan from rushing to her defense.
Let’s be honest: Everyone you know is already going as Honey Boo Boo. They got the Honey Boo Boos covered. What they don’t know (and what you and I know) is that the true star of Reality TV 2012 isn’t that little Mountain Dew-swilling moppet, but her larger than life mother, “Mama” June Shannon.
Which of course is why you’re going to be dressed as Mama come next week (or probably this Saturday. This mid-day holiday is throwing everybody off.) To be honest, I hesitated to suggest a budget Mama costume, as I didn’t want it to be insulting towards a human I genuinely like and respect. I want to pay her homage, not make her feel bad. You know what I mean? Then I realized: how many of us will ever be Halloween costumes? I don’t mean characters we spawned or memes we created. I mean actual, flesh-and-blood people. The answer is almost none. So save your Sexy Austin Powers and Sexy Jar Jar Binks for next year. Halloween 2012 is going to be All Mama’s Eve.
We’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is watching Honey Boo Boo and Mama read Christopher Walken film dialogue, including his infamous call for cowbell. After Christopher Walken ponderously read aloud lines about sketti and vajiggle jaggle from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on Screen Junkies last week, the show invited Alana Thompson and June Shannon to read some notable Walken lines from movies ranging from Balls of Fury to True Romance. The most perfect moment would either have to be the cowbell line (duh) or when they sync Alana’s and June’s voice with Walken’s Pulp Fiction character. Oh, or when June is consumed with the desire to know where someone could hide a watch for two years. You know where, June. You know exactly where.
We know satisfying internet moments happen with enough frequency that it’s kind of cheezmo to declare the internet won or over every time something great happens. But really, guys, this pop culture call and response feels amazing. “I’ve got a prescription and the only thing to do is get some more cowbell”? “I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is this cowbell”? Also, both Alana and Christopher Walken seem equally as likely to scream “You’re a crybaby!” at a startled webseries host. Though only one of them would do it in real life, of course.
People have made such a big deal about Honey Boo Boo‘s Mama June Shannon lately. Between being played by Bobby Moynihanwearing a prosthetic double chin on SNL and everyone throwing up on the Internet over her now infamous sketti recipe, you would think Mama is the most horrifying matriarch since Mommy Dearest. Or Psycho. But despite the fact that she farts almost nonstop on TV, every interview with Alana Thompson‘s (a.k.a. Honey Boo Boo)’s mom suggests that it is in fact her levelheaded nature and ambivalence to fame that might just make her the best parent on reality TV, if not the best person. Take June’s interview on Jimmy Kimmel last night. Listen to what she actually says:
“Not all that vajiggle jaggle.” And with that Christopher Walken becomes the last part of American culture to be taken over by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. The Seven Psychopaths actor joins Colin Farrell and Sam Rockwell for an in-character reading for the show’s dialogue for Screen Junkies. “These are words,” Walken states. It’s not a question. Of course it’s not. He’d have to be a fool to be completely unfamiliar with Alana and her family, considering how all pervasive they are now. They’ve pretty much invaded every aspect of entertainment, like…
I consider myself a veteran Honey Boo Boo Child fan, frantically cutting together this montage the morning after her amazing, hysterical, breakout Toddlers & Tiaras episode. Since then, the Go-Go-Juiced sassafrass [legal, rarely-heard name: Alana Holler], along with her coupon-cutting mamma June and daddy Sugar Bear, have scored their own reality series that infamously garnered more viewers than the RNC and has spawned catchphrases like “You Betta Redneckognize!” In light of the show’s success, Honey Boo Boo’s veering more and more into the mainstream with a recent, hilarious interview on Anderson Live and a sketch featured on SNL‘s Weekend Update, starring Vanessa Bayer and Bobby Moynihan.
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, this family isn’t going anywhere. The only natural step is a featured role for Boo Boo on one of television’s hottest Emmy-nominated shows. Right? No? Whatever, let us dream.
Show:Downton Abbey Character Summary: Lady Mary enters the Big Sister program and is assigned to Alana, or as she will be known on the show, “Lady Boo Boo.”
Show:Homeland Character Summary: Alana and her belly become a key element in Carrie Mathison’s case against Brody.
Is the world ready for a duet with RuPaul and Honey Boo Boo Child? Well, get ready, because Ru is really trying to make it happen! The fashion icon and host of RuPaul’s Drag Race has made a personal appeal to the pint-size reality-TV sensation while on the red carpet of the 2012 MTV VMAs last week. “I’m doing a duet record and I’m here to ask Honey Boo Boo Child to be my duet partner,” he told E! News. RuPaul is apparently a huge fan of the Toddlers & Tiaras breakout star, whose less colorful name is Alana Thompson. The 6-year-old recently debuted her own spinoff series called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child, which features the trials and tribulations of her close-knit Georgia-based family.
From what we gather, RuPaul never misses an episode! “She is real, she is lovely, she’s funny,” he gushed. “She doesn’t take herself seriously. The whole family doesn’t take themselves seriously. It’s really just good fun. I love anybody who dances to the beat of a different drummer.” RuPaul admits to identifying with the girl, even admitting that she would totally beat him in a drag fashion walk-off! “Honey Boo Boo is there,” RuPaul said. “She is the queen. She understands what drag is. That’s what pageants are. That’s why pageants are so lovely.” No word on whether the duet will come together, but the resulting cloud of eye shadow and fabulousness would definitely be unforgettable!