Humanitarian Work

by (@hallekiefer)

George Clooney Says Women, Bong Water Stand Between Him And Politics

While plenty of people would vote an A-lister into office without even looking and their platform (Winfrey/Kunis 2016!), George Clooney says women and drugs ruined his political career. “I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know,” Clooney explained to Newsweek. “I f–ked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.” Says George, anyone hoping to win an office “would start from the beginning by saying, ‘I did it all. I drank the bong water. Now let’s talk about issues.’ That’s gonna be my campaign slogan: ‘I drank the bong water.’?” Does Clooney actually think a little weed and the love of a few dozen gorgeous women would stop him from getting elected? Down on Capital Hill they call that “a slow Tuesday.”

Despite Clooney claim that his sordid past would ruin a run for office, some attribute Clooney’s humanitarian aid with facilitating the Sudanese vote for freedom. “The referendum would not have taken place without his involvement. Never,” says Valentino Achak Deng, the Sudanese former child soldier depicted in Dave Eggers‘ book What Is the What. “He saved millions of lives. I don’t think he knows this.” As if that wasn’t enough to convince George the world loves him, apparently an artist in Cincinnati painted a mural of Clooney as Michelangelo’s Adam. See George, everyone loves you. Now let the bong water flow like wine!

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

George Clooney Contracts Malaria While Visiting Sudan

We might not be qualified to practice medicine in anyway, but we have access to at least three kinds of thermometers and are eager to help, knowing that George Clooney contracted malaria in Sudan. Scheduled to be interviewed by Piers Morgan on the British journalist’s new show this Friday, the host revealed Clooney’s diagnosis in a promo tweet: “BREAKING NEWS: George Clooney has contracted malaria following recent trip to Sudan. Reveals news on @PiersTonight tomorrow 9PM ET.” We’d say this is the only thing that would make us keep our mitts off the silver fox, but we are we kidding? Clooney would have to be wearing a blanket made out of mosquitoes before we’d stop swooning long enough to care.

Clooney’s rep confirms the diagnosis, explaining “George is completely over the malaria he contracted while in the Sudan during the first week in January.” Clooney spent time in Africa this past December as part of his ongoing humanitarian effort in the region. Joked Morgan after his initial tweet, “Clooney malaria update: now have 24,563 offers to nurse him. But his rep says medication’s worked and he’s OK. Sorry, ladies.” Make it 24,564, and really, we were not joking about those thermometers.