Jersey Shore

by (@katespencer)

Snooki Is the Fourth Kardashian Sister

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That long plastic hair, those lush fake eye lashes, the legendary curves…yep, Snooki has just established herself as the long-lost Kardashian sister. Snook, she of the giant house slippers, posted this pic of her and her new BFFs at Khloe‘s one-year wedding anniversary party. (Wait, people have those?!) Don’t they look thick as thieves?

The Jersey Shore-lette also tweeted a snapshot of her and mama-bear Kris Kardashian, writing, “Kris is bangin, just sayennn.” We’re sure Bruce Jenner would agree, Nicole. Now isn’t it time to sit down with your new clan and pitch a hybrid reality show? Keeping Up With The Kardashians As They Slum It On The Jersey Shore? That sounds like a start.

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[Photo: @Sn00ki]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki Hospitalized With Alcohol Poisoning – Or In Medical Terms, “Being Snooki”

We know we laugh at these Jersey Shore fools a lot: Oh,  how they love to drunkenly fight, smush and smush-fight!  But still, we don’t want any of them to die. We gasped in horror and held our handkerchiefs to our mouths today when we found out Snooki had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning during the filming of the second season.

We don’t understand how that girl drinks at all, given how teeny she is. In our mind Snickers should be sipping out of a thimble, or an acorn. She should also have a pointed red hat and talk to a fox and live in a hole in the ground. Basically we want Snooki to be a little Jersey David the Gnome. But she has to stay alive to do it!

A source told Radar that Snooki “was so drunk that she had to be carried out of the nightclub ‘Dream’ by the show’s producers.” We imagine someone just picked Snooki up like a sleeping bag and carted her out under their arm. After her visit to the doctor, “Snooki was out of commission for about two days and was left in pain after undergoing the hospital treatment.”

We guess we shouldn’t be that surprised. For all we know, every night at Beachcomber’s went from fist-pumping to stomach-pumping real quick, with The Situation and Pauly D doing a round of salt-water lavages in the hot tub. We just hope Snooki learned her lesson about getting stinking drunk following her arrest. If something bad happens now, Snicks, you’ll never savor another pickle again, or get to be John McCain’s running mate/wife. And that is too tragic for us to think about.

by (@hallekiefer)

The Situation, Episode 2: Attack Of The Grenades

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That’s the thing about grenades, man: once they’re launched, you never know exactly where they are going to land. The Situation is learning that the hard way, as one of the women depicted as a grenade, or “lady beast”, in his iPhone video game is enraged to find out what her picture is being used for.  First The Situation can’t patent his nickname, and now this? At least we have GTL, baby. They can’t take that away from us.

Part of  The Situation’s iPhone app, Grenade Dodger requires the player to avoid unattractive women, so to get the gritty realism desirable in an iPhone app, Sitch’s crew went to the clubs to snap photos of “3′s and 4′s”, using those photos to provide the game with the requisite elephants and uggos…all without the women knowing they were going to be grenade-ified. We also took a peek at the ladies they used; if the Situation thinks those girls are beneath him, he has not looked in a mirror recently (well, above the neck anyway).

Things were going well until one of the women caught wind of the game, sources say, and “While the girls did know their photos were being taken, they were unaware they were about to become official grenades. It came as a complete surprise and at least one of them is now considering her legal options.” The Situation really blew this one. He was trying to avoid them, but now he’s about to find out what it’s like to have a mob of grenades coming at him from all sides! Batten down the hot tub; it’s going to be a long winter. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Sexism Doesn’t Just Affect The Ladies: Only $30,000 For Vinnie To Get Naked In Playgirl?

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Somebody get Gloria Allred on the phone! Jersey Shore’s Vinnie has been visited with a huge injustice…and an even more massive solution. Vinnie Guadagnino was offered $30,000 to pose naked in Playgirl after rumors of his mammoth manhood started circulating. Friends with benefits Snooki once described their midnight encounters as “putting a watermelon in a pinhole”, which sounds exactly like the type of thing we would shell out the price of Playgirl to see. But $30,000? That is an outright insult, and a slap to the face to dudes everywhere. While, that’s barely even enough to cover a side boob in J-Woww’s Playboy deal!

To sweeten the pot Playgirl has also offered to drop some cash at CloneAWilly to create a sex toy from a mold of Vinnie’s unit. If they sell well, this could be the thing that rockets Vinnie past his 15 minutes of fame. Maybe he can finagle a spot as Wawa’s Classic Hoagie spokesperson and start hawking his own $5 footlong. He’ll be like Jared Fogel, but with more tattoos and fewer other job prospects. Either way, he’s still looking good. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Playboy Offers J-Woww $400,000 To Let The Girls Breathe

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Every time a Jersey Shore member makes a hundred grand, an angel loses his wing. We apologize to the angels hurdling towards earth today after Playboy offered Jersey Shore star J-Woww $400,000 to pose nude for their magazine. Let’s see, nearly half a mill minus the $700 she spent on those implants…this woman is an economic genius! J-Woww aka Jeni Farley always did strike us (sometimes physically) as the secret brains of the JS operation. She’s frugal, never wasting more than 4 inches of fabric per shirt, and intelligent enough to know that we will stay tuned if there is even the slightest chance she will punch Angelina in the head. And despite her party girl life style, J-Woww has never shown the goods in front of a camera before. She was just waiting…waiting…for the exact right moment to unleash them.

J-Woww officially entered the Boner Zone-r after posing for Maxim this past summer, leaving a big market of JS fans who would like to know what the girls look like when they’re let out to breathe. Of course J-Woww wouldn’t be the first D-lister who rocketed up to the C-list by showing a little skin for Playboy, Heidi Montag and Kim Kardashian being the most prominent. We say, get that money girl. Get that money and use it to buy something nice for yourself, like a pre-ripped top, or some ice for  those knuckles. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

An Ode To Snooki’s Poof (R.I.P.)

When the VMAs rolled in, Snooki held court
Now we all know that she’s really quite short
But something was different the night of the fete
Something was up with this particular guidette

Gone was the Elvis-like mound of hair
Snooki’s monumental poof just wasn’t there

“…I want to look more mature,” she said
While we couldn’t stop staring at her empty head.
“The pouf—I’ve been wearing it since I was 16…”
But your hair was every guidette’s dream!
“So why not switch it up?” She pled.
While we couldn’t help but feel misled.

Snooki then said something that made sense
And left us feeling just a tad bit dense
The new haircut is way more guido,
Much like the Situation‘s libido.
It says so much about the Jersey Shore
(We can hear JWwow sayin, “who you callin’ a whore?”)
It explains the favorite pastime of the gang,
As Snooki put it, “Now I have bangs…”

by

Top 5 WTF Moments From The 2010 VMAs

Our eyes still haven’t quite adjusted after last night’s .

4. We give Lindsay Lohan a ton of credit for gamely making fun of herself during the opening segment of the show with Chelsea Handler by telling Handler, whose alcohol-monitoring anklet/Cheesecake Factory buzzer was set off, “Do you think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me, they don’t… Wake up Handler! Pull it together!” Every time we think she’s committed career suicide, she manages to win us back over somehow. She’s charming, that Lindsay. We seriously hope she keeps it together.

5. We might be the only ones who caught this (actually, someone else noticed too), but did you see when 30 Seconds To Mars was about to accept their award for Best Rock Video and the microphone girl tried to hand Jared Leo a mike to accept the award and he didn’t take it? Instead, he took one from one of the Jackass guys and, audibly, Microphone Girl, annoyed that her one and only job was rendered futile, said INTO the mike she was still holding “Well, that was retarded.” Way to go, Microphone Girl. Keepin’ it classy. Also, you’re mike is on.

[Photos: Getty Images/]

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by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki Called A “Lindsay Lohan Wannabe”, Like That’s Not Why We Love Her In The First Place

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There are few slurs that can shake a true guidette to her core, but for Snooki, “Lindsay Lohan wannabe” is now one of them. At her sentencing today Snicker’s judge lambasted the Jersey girl not just for the drunken escapades that got her arrested, but for following the same dark path Lindsay Lohan staggered down a few years ago.  In addition to comparing her to Lindsay, the judge also deemed Snooki “rude and self-indulgent”, as if that isn’t the exact reason we watch Jersey Shore in the first place. He accused Snickers of basically trading her “dignity for a paycheck”. Hey! Snooki didn’t trade her dignity for a paycheck. She traded it for a paycheck, international fame, unlimited spray tan money and a Wawa Classic Hoagie, thankyouverymuch!

After his tirade the judge eventually took pity on Snooki’s tiny umber soul and gave her only 2 days community service and a $533 fine. The judge’s Lindsay dig, however, did not go unnoticed by Lohan’s loved ones. Dina Lohan managed to drag herself out of her tanning bed (aka her real bed), stumble over the empty shiraz bottles on the floor, and yell at Lindsay’s assistant long enough to fire off a response to the judge. “The family is very disappointed that a judge would say that in a court of law,” Dina claimed. “The comments were very unprofessional.” Dina then dove out of the way as Lindsay drove her Maserati through the front door, while ex-husband Michael Lohan announced his plans to open a cock fighting ring/bikini daycare center next week.