Jersey Shore

by (@katespencer)

In Which Your Parents’ Fave Thing And Your Fave Thing Become One

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This. We just could not resist. It’s bad enough that Troll #1 and Troll #2 are in faux-fur boots in the middle of a September heat wave, but the fact that three of Jersey Shore‘s finest Jagermeister shot guzzlers somehow managed to mimic The Beatles’ iconic Abbey Road album cover just goes to show what a bunch of idiot savants they truly are.

So what if Snooki can’t answer a duck phone, she does brilliant sh*t like this without even trying. It’s almost as if Lennon and McCartney were predicting the future when they wrote, “I never give you my number, I only give you my situation.” A very inebriated and tan future. The only question now is what we call this photo montage: Jersey Road or Abbey Shore?

by (@missmuttoo)

Jersey Shore’s Angelina Beats Up Snooki’s Boyfriend

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Where do we even begin? Because Jersey Shore shenanigans completely fry us! Okay, the best place to start is right from the beginning. In this case it would be Snooki’s new boyfriend Jeff Miranda‘s infamous magazine cover proposal. We doubt the lady in question makes the right choices (hello, arrest for disorderly conduct) but in this case Snooki, did good by saying thanks, but no thanks.

Jeffy here has some major (alleged) baggage here. Expected, of course, ’cause what’s the Jersey Shore (and Snooki) without mayjah drama. He apparently loves ‘swinger’ parties, held a gun at his ex’s head and got served with a restraining order. But the worst? He supposedly tried to get on with Snooki’s housemate Angelina.

And, charming gentleman that he is, he had to respond to Angelina’s news (read: vitriol) in the only way he knew how. In Steppin’ Out, the same magazine he proposed to Snooki in, he stated eloquently, “Nobody cares about her anymore. She’s spreading lies about me to get attention. But she’s very jealous of me and Nicole (Snooki). She should just f**k off. She thinks I’m interested in her, but you would think if I were interested in her we would be dating. I’m not into her. She’s a b*tch.”

Oh and that’s not all. You didn’t think he would be succinct, did you? He added, “…I was never with her sexually. I had a friend who hooked up with her friend and that’s about it. I took a few pictures with her and she feel in love with me. She thought I was a sexy Guido. I tried to be nice to her, but she got the wrong idea. Now she’s jealous. She’s a cock blocker. She needs to get a life. I’m tired of her trash talking…”

Of course then Miss Angelina apparently smashed a microphone on Miranda’s face at at the Sapphire Gentlemen’s Club in New York yesterday. She was filming a web broadcast with Chaunce Hayden when Miranda turned up and started sh*t up. Hayden revealed, “Jeff was yelling that Angelina was jealous of his relationship with Snooki and that she is trying to break them up so she can date him.”

Apparently Jeff didn’t try to defend himself because it all hit him (pun intended) by surprise. Hayden says, “He looked stunned. He stood up like he was going to hit her and a group of people stopped him. She took all the booze on the table and started pouring it in his face and blinded him. I never saw somebody get beat that bad.” Chaunce also said that his face was so swollen he couldn’t speak properly, even though he tried to mutter “I’m going to sue her.”

Woah. If this is true… then… Woah. I mean, we all know that Angelina is a slapper…but this is just insane.

[Photo: Splash News Online and Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki On Marriage Proposal: Hell To The No

If you’re going to propose on the cover of a trashy nightlife magazine, you have to expect you might get rejected via the trashy nightlight magazine of the internet, Twitter. Tweeted Snooki in response to her supposed boyfriend Jeff Miranda’s marriage proposal: “Just want to set the record straight. I’m single and I’m not going to get married!” THANK GOD! We were pretty sure Snickers would demure such an out-of-the-blue proposal from a total nutbar, but a secret part of our brain was like, “O god, girlfriend is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. She might say yes!” That just goes to show us, we should always have faith in our little troll doll.

Given that he is  a fame-whore and a reported domestic abuser, it probably shouldn’t even matter that much that it’s also come out that Jeff Miranda’s a swinger. Still, ew. Either way Snooki is better off without him. We know it’s pretty unlikely, but we still want to see our girl Snicks end up with Vinny! He would undoubtedly propose in a super classy way like on a Jumbotron, or in his Facebook status. We can just tell.

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki’s Boyfriend Proposes In Most Barf-Inducing Way Possible

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After hitting on her cast mates, partying with strippers, and harassing his ex-girlfriend, Snooki’s boyfriend Jeffrey Miranda has gone and done the most outrageous thing of all: ask for Snickers’ hand in marriage. Despite the fact that the pair have been together less than three weeks, Miranda has decided to take the leap by posing for the Sept. 10 cover of New Jersey’s entertainment magazine Steppin’ Out to ask the question “Will You Marry Me?”, which is sadly the classiest scheme he could think of. We can all agree that we want a Jersey Shore wedding, complete with T-back tuxedos, gallons of cleavage and an ice sculpture swan that spews Buttery Nipples. But we don’t want it like this. Not like this.

Miranda is bizarrely certain his unexpected proposition will woo his little orange angel, predicting, “Once she deals with the shock I think they’ll say yes. I really do. In fact, I know she’ll say yes.” While Snooki undoubtedly loves the limelight, there is a big difference between showing off your ring on the cover of People and finding out your boyfriend of a month is popping the question…in a magazine that won’t come out for two weeks. We’re certain that one day some wonderful juice-head will take Snickers as his lawfully wedded guidette.  In the mean time, our only conciliation is that no one on the planet actually reads Steppin’ Out, except for Jeff Miranda. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki’s Boyfriend Put Gun To Ex-Girlfriend’s Head, Slapped With Restraining Order

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We need a Zip car, directions to Seaside Heights and JWOWW’s cell number ASAP, because apparently Snooki’s new man is about a million times worse than we had suspected. While we already knew he was something of a stripper-loving skeez, apparently in 2009 Snooki’s boyfriend Jeffrey Miranda had a restraining order filed against him as well…for putting a gun to his ex-girlfriend’s head.

According to the police report,  Miranda dated ex Rebecca Hansen for six months in 2008 and 2009, during which he because increasingly violent, hurling insults and even physically harassing her. According to the order, Miranda also “threatened to burn plaintiff’s house down while she slept, threatened to cut plaintiff’s brakes, defendant threatened plaintiff by stating ‘if you cheat on me or break up with me you have a hole dug for you already.’” Said Hansen, “Jeff is nothing but scum. He claims he is in the mafia. He’s threatened two of my friends’ lives and my own.” Good lord! We hope Snooki has heard about this and immediately bailed out of the relationship. Even the most beautiful juice-head gorilla in the world isn’t worth that level of insanity. [Photo: Splash News Online]

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Spot The Diff: Snooki Wins Life-Sized Cuddle Buddy

The Daily Diff is TheFABLife’s pop culture spin on the traditional “spot the difference” game. Check back every day for a new picture. Brought to you by ZENO.

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The Snookster and a friend looked less-than-thrilled about their Snooki-sized carnival prize down as they strolled the boardwalk while filming Jersey Shore. [Photo: Splash News]

by (@missmuttoo)

The More You Drink The Situation’s Vodka, The More Money He Makes

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Jay-Z does it. Diddy does it. But The Situation can do it even better. While Jay has Armadale vodka and Diddy endorses Ciroc, our man Mike Sorrentino‘s got Devotion vodka. Everybody drinks it. Didn’t you know? *snort*

But this isn’t your ordinary run of the mill bottle. This vodka contains Casein, which is a clear protein. So you’re drinking a protein cocktail. Or in the Sitch’s case…protein shooters! Because this is Devotion …to your body. Because it’s a temple. Geddit?

This kinda makes sense because muscle boosters are also part of his get-rich plan. And although we’re snorting with derision, he’s laughing his way to the bank. ‘Cause sources snitch that the Sitch got $400,000 just for signing on and is reportedly going to make $5 million this year. For that price, he’s devoted for sure.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki’s New Man Not The Juice-Head White Knight We’ve Been Waiting For

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According to Jersey Shore‘s professional slap fighter Angelina, not only did Snooki’s boyfriend Jeff Miranda try to smush her and the other ladies of the house, he is in fact only dating Snooki for the incredibly tiny piece of fame it will get him. According to the Kim Kardashian of her own mind, “Jeff used to try and hook up with me all the time after we were done filming in Miami. He really wanted to be my boyfriend.” GASP! IN! HORROR! Are you telling me this Miranda guy hasn’t been penning sonnets for months in order to woe Snooki from her chastity? Look, Snickers isn’t exactly hoping to date Colin Firth here. When a girl’s main criteria for a boyfriend include the words “gorilla”, “juiced” and “muscle” in no particular order, she might not be expecting a promise ring. Still, no one wants to see that little poof deflated.

But as it turns out, being a gorilla in heat isn’t even the half of it for this guy. According to Angie, Miranda was also “always saying mean things about the cast…he said Snooki was gross. He called J-WOWW a man and Ronnie a short loser.” But…but…but only we are allowed to call them that! This is just like in high school when you complain about your mom all the time, but when your friend says, “I know, she’s the worst”, you realize you are going to have to punch him/her in the face for insulting the cast of Jersey Shore. Or something like that, you get our drift. We really, really, really don’t want Angelina to be right, ever, but given that Snooki’s man was just spotted cavorting with strippers, she’s probably dead-on about his guy being a loser. We just hope Snooki isn’t crushed; she’s going to be wearing her black mourning slippers for weeks. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jersey Shore Gets Truckload of Free Condoms And Booze; America Gets The Gift Of Quality TV

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Like manna from heaven, our favorite juice-head gorillas  just unexpectedly received everything they could possibly need to stay as burnt-orange, veiny and STD-free as they wanna be. A truck baring a mountain of boxes pulled up to the house and gave the cast of Jersey Shore condoms, bottles of vodka, gym bags, self-tanner, free gym memberships, and a host of other epically Jersey goods…and all of it for free.

Or, if you look at it any other way, the cast received vodka, self-tanner, and bags; the rest of America got the hope of a baby-free Jersey Shore house. At least until the condoms run out. Next week. To be honest we weren’t super-worried about any little JS rug-rats running around the house anytime soon (steroids are a hell of a drug), but we’ll sleep better at night knowing that Sammi and Ronnie can keep their smushing infant-free.

The gift/publicity stunt came courtesy of Moishe’s Mobile Storage, who’s President Rami Haim explained, “Having watched what these kids must endure for fame, we felt obliged to pull together and deliver everything they could possibly need to make it to the end of summer.” We hope the delivery also came with a free storage unit the cast can all live in when the show is over. Too soon?

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@missmuttoo)

Snooki’s New Hook-Up: “She’s Drunk Most Of The Time”

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Aww, not even an “I love Snooki” tee-shirt could do the trick for ex Emilio Masella. Because our little Snooki is off to the sex shops for someone else now! Her new guido love, Jeff Miranda, has managed extricating his tongue long enough to give the press some one-on-one time. Totally unexpected, right? Why would anyone making out with Snooki want to behave like a fame-hungry ‘ho?

So this Miranda dude apparently met Snooki last week at Karma nightclub and won’t shut up about it, saying, “We hit it off really, really good. Nicole is actually really cute and seems like a cool a** person, even though she’s drunk most of the time. She’s a real sweet girl.” Our Snooki? Drunk? Sir, you lie!

Also…can we just repeat the “cool a** person, even though she’s drunk…” statement because that’s like, the best quote EVER. Also in what’s like the biggest lie EVER, Jeffie said they went to Snooki’s home the night they met and, “had in-depth conversations about each other’s lives, what our backgrounds were…It was almost like an instant connection.” Yeah right, they talked all night. Surrrrre. Dude, your pants are on fire.

There’s tons more, believe us, and it’s all in the same barf-inducing Snooki-soulmate vein. But here’s a sign that they’re a match made in cheeseball-heaven. He sighed, “…Her lips are matched perfectly to mine…I couldn’t even explain it.” There you go. The same weird, unnaturally colored beige lips seal the deal.

[Photo: Splash News Online]