Kristen Stewart has given you so much over the years: mad sneaker game, someone to vicariously kiss Robert Pattinson through, an excellent Snow White movie (we’re assuming)(based on the trailers). Now she’s even sacrificed the integrity of her foot to your insatiable thirst for Breaking Dawn: Part 2. When will it be enough? “Well, I’m starting a promotional tour, so I figured I needed to hurt myself,” Kristen joked after hobbling out for her interview on Jimmy Kimmel last night. “I promise you it’s not a ploy to wear flats.” We would never dream of it. Kristen allegedly sustained her injury while doing reshoots for the last vamp movie. “I stepped on a nail,” she explained. “Lucky me!” Man, is the fact that KStew would bleed for your love of Twilight finally enough? If not, is that Cosby sweater? Personally, that sweater is satisfying fashion needs we didn’t even know we had.
Even though it probably required a tetanus shot or two, it seems like the third round of reshoots was the cast’s last…meaning the series is truly over for Kristen. “Vampire Bella: goodbye!” Stewart laughed. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, the woman flew from L.A. to New York after filming Kimmel just to give you the fierceness that was her Balenciaga color-block dress at the Met Gala last night. None of us are worthy. Not one of us.
If there’s anything more unbelievable than Olivia Wilde blaming the Jonas Brothers for placing a “no sex hex” on her house, it’s the idea that any supernatural force, no matter how strong, could prevent Olivia Wilde from getting laid. Please. While promoting Cowboys And Alienson Kimmel last night, the actress was quick to blame the Jo Bros, former residents of her new L.A. house, for her sexual drought. “We think they placed a no sex hex on the house,” Wilde explained. “We blame the Jonas Brothers for the lack of action happening in our house. We’re like, ‘We know why.’ It’s the No sex hex, Jimmy! Can’t do anything about it.” Olivia’s right, of course; not much you can do about an anti-sex curse. Except, you know, look like Olivia Wilde.
While Olivia’s home might ostensibly be boner-free, her career hopefully won’t be. As the actress told E!, we may be seeing Olivia Wilde as Linda Lovelace, in a biopic of the same famous porn star who Lindsay Lohan, and now Malin Akerman, has been cast to play in a competing film. “It would be a tremendous honor,” Wilde said. “It’s such a cool role. She was a fascinating woman—with where she came from to Deep Throat to then working with Gloria Steinem and Nora Ephron. It’s really fascinating,” We guess those little musical virgins only have so much control over Olivia’s choices! In fact, we’re ready to declare that this house…is clean.
Okay, yes, clearly Britney Spears isn’t rocketing toward the sky in a poop-filled Porta-Potty for reals. For one thing, we bet that flimsy door would come flying open if she wasn’t securing harnessed to the seat. However, Britney Spears’ Jackass stunt for Jimmy Kimmel reminds us that Britney will do literally anything to amuse her fans. Would Xtina pretend to hurdle through the air, covered in liquid feces, just to please her audience? Gaga probably would, but she’d want to do it in the MOMA and make us call it “poop-modernism.”
While we might get to see Brit-Brit talk about pee-pee in her bit with Johnny Knoxville, according to Carson Daly, Britney’s interviews are a lot less revealing. The Last Call host tweeted about Spears’ management demanding her interview be edited and approved by them, claiming his sessions with celebrities are “never that restricted. Even when I interviewed Michael Jackson, it wasn’t anything like this…it’s really insane.” Maybe we’ll never know her opinion about KFed’s new baby, but we forward to seeing Britney get gored by a bull, or having her genitals stapled to the inside of her leg. Or at least, we look forward to Brit’s body double pretending to do that.
We aren’t sayingCharlie Sheen kissing Jimmy Kimmel last night and Sheen needing a psych evaluation to see his sons are in any way related. We’re just saying as far as we know, very few celebrities will have to undergo both in their lifetime (hope you’re still doing well, Sarah Silverman!). “You lips are very moist,” Sheen tells Kimmel after dashing in and smooching him passionately during a Mark Cuban interview. After running through the audience handing out his merchandise, Sheen gifts Kimmel a mug with two cartoon foxes taped to the side, seemingly a reference to Sheen’s rumored Fox project. We’d say even fewer people can add a Fox show to their ever-growing stockpile of insane projects, but knowing that channel, it’s probably roughly the same.
As if that video isn’t enough evidence already, Sheen undergoing psychiatric examination was only a matter of time, regardless of Charlie’s latest clean drug test. According a source reporting to RadarOnline, “Charlie must submit to a mental health evaluation with a licensed professional before he can see Bob and Max. Charlie won’t see the boys until he sees a psychiatrist, that is someone neutral, that hasn’t previously treated him.” Sheen hasn’t submitted for a test yet; we’re assuming it’s because he’s too busy printing out pictures of foxes and pasting them to his dishware. Another thing so few famous people are doing these days…
As we have been constantly reminded in the past couple months, Twitter is good for more than just brainstorming dirty movie titles. For example, earlier today Jimmy Kimmel tweeted his tsunami evacuation. When the late night host first cracked, “Suddenly, relaxing on an island in the South Pacific isn’t so relaxing anymore. Good thing I brought my aqua stilts,” many of his followers though he was making a tasteless joke. Um, we’re really sorry about that, Mr. Kimmel. It turns out Jimmy was actually in an area that could be affected by the aftermath of the Japanese earthquake. “I am on an island in French Polynesia, glued to CNN,” Kimmel tweeted, saying on a fear scale of 1 to 10, he was “a good solid 7. on a small island, with no high ground.” Finally this morning, Jimmy confirmed, “we are evacuating the island. dogspeed.” Wow, makes our tweets to @McDonalds to have the McRib year-round seems even more insignificant than they already were.
Kimmel wasn’t the only one tweeting about their weather-related predicaments. The cast of Breaking Dawn were evacuated from Vancouver Island in British Columbia, while the cast of Hawaii Five-O reported that they are alright according to a tweet from star Daniel Dae Kim. “Back at work, bleary eyed & heartsick, but very grateful. As far as I know, everyone is safe. Thx 2 all of you 4 your kind thoughts. Truly,” he wrote. We hope everyone affected stays safe and, Jimmy, we’ll do our best to get #SorryWeAssumedYouWeBeingAJerk to start trending.