Kate Major

by (@hallekiefer)

What Life Lessons Should Lindsay Lohan Pass Onto Her New Brother Or Sister? She’s Learned A Lot!

Michael Lohan And Kate Major Expecting A Baby

There’s a new Lohan in town! No, it’s not some original Lohan Dina has been keeping on ice for when Michael Lohan Jr. finally ends puberty. TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan‘s dad Michael Lohan is allegedly expecting a child with on-again, in-court-again girlfriend Kate Major. According to their sources, Majors is in her first trimester. Considering the fact Michael and Kate have a long, gruesome history of protective orders, domestic abuse charges and arrests between them, we can only imagine Baby Lohan is going to need as much help from her relatively stable relatives as he or she can. We’ve certainly learned a lot from Lindsay, so if you wanted to just print this out and tape it up in his or her crib, girl, we really just cut out the middle man for you!

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by (@missmuttoo)

Michael Lohan Arrested Again, Because He’s Michael Lohan

After being arrested on Monday on domestic violence charges, Michael Lohan is back in custody in the same Tampa jail he was detained at just two days ago, according to TMZ. Girlfriend Kate Major has been publicly denouncing him for his abusive ways, releasing photographs of her with bruises she says he gave her.

This time around, police say he jumped off a third-story balcony and fell into a tree in his attempt to escape the cops after contacting Kate again. He’s really that smart. But that’s the story — she claims he had been constantly trying to get into touch with her on the phone and generally harassing her. That’s when she called Tampa police. Unfortunately, Lohan happened to call her just as they were questioning Kate about his behavior. As the police believed he was a threat, they went to his hotel to arrest him, which is when the jumping happened.

[Photo: Splash News Online/ VH1]

by (@hallekiefer)

Another Day, Another Protective Order Filed Against Michael Lohan

It’s been a little while since we’ve heard from Lindsay Lohan‘s pop. What’s he been up to? Oh, the same horrible thing he’s been up to for years now? Guess that makes sense. Despite having gone to court over domestic violence charges as recently as May, allegedly Michael Lohan is harassing ex Kate Major, causing his ex-fiance to request a proactive order against him. Again. As in, multiple times. As in, this whole situation is a walking nightmare.

Allegedly Lohan has been persistently threatening both Major and her father, claiming that he’ll have her dad “whacked” while attempting to “ruin her career,” though some might argue that you can only ruin something that actually exists.  According to TMZ, this will be the third order of protection Major would be attempting to place against her ex, so we guess it’s true what they say: those who forget history are doomed to be Michael Lohan.

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Michael Lohan Officially Charged For Attacking Kate Major

Michael Lohan has been charged with “inflicting injury on a cohabitant,” a misdemeanor, following ex-girlfriend Kate Major’s accusations of domestic violence. His bail was set at $30,000, with an arraignment scheduled for May 23rd. While there was reportedly visible marking on her, Lohan has denied injuring Major, claiming she applied the bruises with make-up.

Despite his track record of violence towards women, Lohan was defiant after being released from the hospital yesterday (he complained of chest pains following his arrest). “I asked to press charges on her—Look, I’m the one who got cut, I’m the one that was bleeding!” he told Radar. “I’m going to press charges against Kate and I’m going to try to have her arrested before she leaves California…I have to see what’s missing and have her charged with robbery,” he said. I want to also have her charged with assault with a deadly weapon—she cut me with something—domestic assault and trespassing.” Major left LA by plane last night.

[Photos: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Lohan Denies Assaulting Kate Major, Claims She Had “Make-Up” Bruises

Lindsay Lohan‘s dad has come up with a completely reasonable, totally legitimate explanation for his alleged domestic assault against Kate Major: she did it herself with a bag of cosmetics! In an interview with RadarOnline, Michael Lohan denies assaulting girlfriend Kate Major, and has some divalicious ideas about how Major sustained her injuries. “She said I gave her a fat lip, she has Restylane in her lips.  I didn’t give her a fat lip.  She did the same thing in West Hampton,” Lohan explains. “I didn’t touch her, she’s full of crap.  I have cuts on my arm.  She put fake makeup on her eyes before.” So not only is a bad lip job and eyeshadow applied in a bumpy car a crime against fashion, it can also be obstructing justice. Wow, who knew Michael Lohan was more observant than the entire police force?

Given that Lohan was also charged with threatening ex-fiance Erin Muller in 2009, the ladies in his life must own a M.A.C. store dedicated whipping up these allegedly “fake” injuries. After Michael Lohan was arrested last night, he complained of chest pains and was taken to Cedars Sinai Medical Center, where he remains today. “This was all a set up.  When my lawyers resolve this with the police and I prove this is all a set up the world is going to know about Kate Major,” Lohan vowed. Unless, of course, Kate is able to construct a superior defense lawyer out of eyeliner and lipgloss.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Michael Lohan Arrested On Suspicion Of Domestic Violence

TMZ is reporting that Michael Lohan was arrested last night after his girlfriend made a report at the L.A County Sheriff’s department. She claimed that the deadbeat dad got violent with her while they were arguing, and that she had visible marks to prove that he manhandled her.

She made her complaint around 9:30-10pm last night, after which police found Lohan and booked on suspicion of domestic violence. Apparently, Lohan was taken to a hospital right after for minor injuries but refused attention. It’s being said that this had nothing to do with the supposed altercation with his girlfriend. He’s going to be taken straight to the police department right after where his bail has reportedly been set at $200,000. Last week, his ex Kate Major said that Michael punched her girlfriend in the face, and that it was caught on camera.

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Michael Lohan Charged With Harassment Against Fiancee, Still The Worst Person Alive

michael-lohan-kate-major

It has definitely been a horrible, busy week for anyone with the last name Lohan. Just as Lindsay is being hauled off to the clink, her father Michael has apparently decided to crawl out of whatever drainage ditch he slept in last night, slip on a sleeveless muscle tee and wreak havoc upon his loved ones once again. This time Lohan has been charged with second degree harassment of his pregnant fiancee Kate Major, the documents claiming that he shoved her over a chair and then kicked her in the face.

Good lord. If I were Lindsay’s defense counsel, I would just bring her father into the court room, say “Your Honor,” and sweep my hand in Michael Lohans general direction. Case Closed! Then instead of jail, Lindsay can go to some sort of facility where regular dads look over your math homework and take you to play skiball at Dave & Busters.

You may also remember Kate Major from such hits as quitting her job at Star magazine to date former interviewee Jon Gosselin. This woman needs to start attending Douchebags Anonymous a.s.a.p. Lohan also purportedly threatened worse violence toward Major, screaming “I am going to go back to jail because I am going to kill you! “Ugh, can we just send him back to jail now? Or some sort of island filled with terrible monsters? Though, actually, he would probably just become their king.

[Photo: GettyImages]

– Halle Kiefer

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Michael Lohan Gets Gropey With Kate Major, Gina Lynn

Michael Lohan, Kate Major & Gina Lynn

While Michael Lohan must have been sad to learn Michelle “Bombshell” McGee backed out refereeing his next Celebrity Boxing match (yes, even Nazi fetish model homewreckers have better things to do), it looks like he still had a great time promoting the event in Philadelphia yesterday. Big Mike got plenty of quality fondling time with fiancee Kate Major and porn star Gina Lynn, who will get in the ring with Major at the bout. “I’m gonna vomit!” said Lindsay Lohan when she heard about her father’s impending nuptials. And she hasn’t even seen these photos! Get your barf bag ready and check out Michael’s PDA-infested night in the gallery below.
[Photos: Splash News Online]

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Michael Lohan Engaged To Gosselin Ex Kate Major

Michael Lohan & Kate Major

Next stop: the nursery! Failing that: the slammer! Michael Lohan has successfully proposed to girlfriend Kate Major, formerly known as the Star reporter who quit her job to date Jon Gosselin. “She’s been there for five years with me,” Lindsay’s estranged father told Us—ignoring her dalliance with Gosselin less than a year ago. “I think a friendship is more important than anything when you have a relationship, and this is the strongest one in my life.” And, yes, kids are on the way (“I’m not getting any younger and Kate wants to have children”), assuming he doesn’t threaten Major’s life the way he allegedly did ex-fiancee Erin Muller. Lindsay has yet to comment, but judging from her previously tweeted disdain for Major, it’s unlikely she’ll be a bridesmaid.

“He’s been a rock to me and I can’t imagine my life without him,” Major confessed to Radar about the papa/celebrity pugilist, more than 20 years her senior. Ironically, recent tweets from Michael concern his previous fiancee, the one that keeps sending him to prison. “They feed Erin coke and I found out, and have Erin…on tape admitting it. No matter what excuses, the tapes speak for themselves.” Congratulations on both counts, Michael!

Enjoy quality time with the happy couple in the gallery below.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Michael Lohan Has Heart Attack And Notifies His Next Of Kin, a.k.a. The Paparazzi

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We’d be more sympathetic to the news that Michael Lohan had a heart attack yesterday if he didn’t immediately turn around and email the paparazzi photo website X17 to update them on his health.

After suffering what his girlfriend Kate Major called a minor heart attack and being taken to a hospital in Manhasset, NY, Lohan send an email to the site confirming the news. He wrote: “Going up for the angio in a few. Ugh. They do it through your inner thigh. YUCK!”

Yuck indeed. And we don’t just mean the surgery. It’s official, Michael Lohan is an even grosser human being than we thought. [Photo: Getty Images]