In a grocery store. In an O.R. In a salt mine 3,500 feet beneath the earth’s surface: Ke$ha doesn’t care where she is when she wants to get her freak on. Listening to Rihanna is, of course, a natural setting for human love making, but when Ke$ha hooked up with DJ Calvin Harris at Rihanna’s concert Tuesday, they were in a Melbourne arena filled with thousands of screaming fans. That actually sounds pretty encouraging! “They were getting right into it,” a source reported to the Melbourne Herald Sun. “They were practically fornicating. They were all over each other and didn’t care who was watching.” Um, have you ever heard “Only Girl In The World”? Who can blame her? That’s all we’re saying.
Harris, who’s worked with bands like The Ting Tings, is currently spinning for Rihanna’s Last Girl on Earth tour, making us wonder if Ke$ha even let him finish his set before stripping him. Boning in public and tattooing her fans by hand: Ke$ha’s living the dream. Sure, maybe it’s a dream she had after eating rancid potato salad and falling asleep in a dry baby pool, but still, it’s a dream nonetheless.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Of all the services we’d hire Ke$ha for, tattooing is right up there with Lasik eye surgery and babysitting. In her new Vanity Fair interview, we learn that Ke$ha has a tattoo machine at home, and apparently spent her Super Bowl carving some prison-style ink into her hairdresser’s arm. “He said he wanted a tattoo, so I whipped out my new tattoo gun. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s really loud; it makes this whirring noise like some scary electronic mouth drill from the dentist. He got really freaked out and said, ‘No, no, no, just give me an old school tattoo,’” the singer said. We personally wouldn’t want a crudely-drawn unicorn scrawled in our flesh courtesy of Ke$ha, but then again we would assume a man who creates Ke$ha’s trash-chic looks would have slightly different standards.
As you can imagine, things just got worse for Ke$ha’s stylist from there. “So I whipped out a sewing needle and ink pen, and I gave him this tattoo. And he was like, ‘No, first you have to sterilize the needle!’ And all we had was some Jack Daniels,” Ke$ha explains. “We just kind of soaked it for twenty seconds. And the man still has an arm. He didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t get gangrene or any sort of diseases,” indicating that Ke$ha’s litmus test for a great idea is apparently, “Do your limbs rot off immediately after you to it?” The interview goes on to discuss Ke$ha’s claim that she actually brushes with Jack, name-checks her idol Oscar the Grouch (we wish we were joking) and claims that in her new concerts, “I am shooting glitter from glitter guns and out of every orifice in my body.” Hmm, if that isn’t a sign of some horrible ink-related illness, we don’t know what is.
Ke$ha might have weathered spooge-filled photos and a constant case of glitter rash (we assume), but Ke$ha being sued by her former managers for $14 million might be the only scandal she can’t weasel her way out of with a wink and a festive Native American headdress. Sniped the singer’s ex reps DAS Communications, the spastic singer “is a very young and inexperienced artist whose ‘star’ may not continue to rise,” and then how would they get their millions? Hey! Don’t talk about our girl that way. We feel like Ke$ha is our mom in this case; only we’re allowed to talk trash about her.
Given that girl is on the way to number one hit in the UK with “We R Who We R,” we think her former managers are selling Ke$ha a little short. “Although she has made an incredible amount of money in a very short period of time, in large part due to DAS’ efforts on her behalf, she could just as easily lose money if not properly guided,” the suit warns. Meanwhile the singer has countersued DAS for being “illegal talent agent.” We almost wish Ke$ha would bottom out and lose all her dough, just so these jokers can’t take her millions. Then again, that attitude is probably why we’ll never be internationally famous pop superstars.
[Photo: Getty Images]
AKA, exactly what you’d think Ke$ha’s boyfriend would be like. Throw a fetish for spare change on top of it, and you have…well, you still have the kind of weird ish we assumed girlfriend would be into. You might think we already know everything we’d want to know about Ke$ha’s dating life (Ugh, sorry), but in her new Complex interview, Ke$ha explains her ideal man is “Like a big bearded guy with a bag of quarters. I think it’s some weird pirate fantasy that was unfulfilled in a past lifetime.” Right, because when historians use the term “pirate,” they actually mean “unkempt hipster with a sandwich baggie full of coins.”
But what else, the interviewer asks, would he have to have to win Ke$ha’s heart, besides a Paul Bunyan face and enough money to purchase a pack of Ramen? “You would also have to have a big dick, and I don’t really know anything about that. Then you’re probably good to go.” So just to be clear, all you need to be Ke$ha’s ideal man is: a disgusting, matted face rug, bus fare, and a giant wiener. Though we’re going to go ahead and assume she’d be willing to settle for just the quarters. Possibly the wiener. [Photo: Getty Images]