It’s a new day and that means there’s a new Kimye wedding update. This time it’s about Kanye West‘s super secret surprise performance at the wedding. The rapper is going to sing/rap a new song for Kim Kardashian on their big day. Of course, it’s something he’s been working on for awhile and has even asked help Kris Jenner to help him pull the surprise off. Because we all know when she’s involved, it remains secret.
Jessica Simpson, we’re going to let you finish gestating, but Kanye West and Kim Kardashian‘s baby is going to be the greatest baby of all time! Haha, yeah. Get used to hearing those kinds of jokes for the next nine months! Everyone and Bruce Jenner have been freaking out over Kanye and Kim’s pregnancy, and it got us thinking: what kind of parental unit will Kimye be? Yeezy and Kim both have a wealth of hard-earned knowledge we hope to pass down to their baby. Especially since you know that baby is going to be in front of a camera so fast…
Jessica Simpson, it might be time to get on board the acute morning sickness train. Everybody’s doing it: Kate Middleton, um, allegedly Kim Kardashian… Okay, that’s it so far. According to MediaTakeout, Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy with Kanye West was allegedly confirmed when a doctor visited her home to treat a nasty bout of “acute morning sickness” stemming from “the same illness that Princess Kate Middleton is suffering from.” Has debilitating nausea ever been so trendy? We sure hope not!
Of course, there’s literally no proof Kim and Kanye are even pregnant, let alone laying on the floor of the bathroom, drinking ginger ale and moaning. Plus the Duchess of Cambridge suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum, a pregnancy illness which tends to be rare. Unless Kim has the shadiest, most loose-lipped obstetrician of all time, we’re going to go ahead and call shenanigans on this morning sickness tale. But we’re not ready to let go of the pregnancy rumor entirely! Kim and Kanye have made it very clear they’re in it to win it, and rumors suggest that their long-term plans include a baby. Man, Kimye’s kids are going to be so cute. They’re the only reason we still put up with these too!
[Photo: Getty Images]
“That’s a dog bag, no?” Is there any more painful sentence to hear when your boyfriend and his stylist take it upon themselves to give you a wardrobe makeover? Probably not, but Kim Kardashian takes it like a champ as Kanye and stylist Renelou Pardora purge her closet on last night’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Well, almost. “I’m literally crying,” Kim warns. Not that parts of Kanye’s What Not To Wear rampage aren’t adorable: “I like natural looking. Because I grew up on ’80s magazines… You look amazing,” Kanye promises when Kim tries to hike up her boob up to her collarbone. “Well, I don’t!,” she reports. Fashion LOL! At least Kanye didn’t literally throw Kim’s clothes into a garbage can. In fact, as Kim tweeted today, “The clothes I got rid of on tonight’s episode will be up on EBay next month for a charity auction! Going to Life Change Community Church.” Anyone interested in five dozen pairs of platform pumps? Hmmm?
Of course, this is only the latest part of an ongoing change in Kim’s style that we assume is largely Kanye’s doing. Would it be such a stretch to think that Yeezy is also behind Kim’s decision to…
Look, we’ll admit it. We’ve casually thrown around the b-word before. We’ve probably never had a conversation about Dolly Parton or Madeleine Albright where we didn’t call them a “fabulous b—-” and swoon onto our respective fainting couches. However! We were still more than a little skeeved out when we learned Kanye had written a new song about Kim Kardashian and named it (of all things!) “Perfect B—-.” Come on, Ye! Was “Perfect Woman” already taken? “Perfect Lady” not eye roll-inducing enough for you? “I wrote the song Perfect B—- about Kim,” Yeezy admitted on Twitter, a tweet he later deleted, probably after receiving an angry call from Kris Jenner. Or a happy call from Kris Jenner. You can never tell with that woman.
Luckily Kanye was clearly invested in making it up to us, seeing as how he and Kim were at their matching outfit cutest in their new VMA promo with VMA host Kevin Hart. “KevYeKim? YeKimKev?,” Hart sputters in his attempt to come up with a good three-way couple nickname. How about KimYeKev? The way it should be? Alright, we’ll try to get over your rude romantic ode, Kanye. Though if the two of you actually entered into a three-way couple with Kevin Hart, we would be completely back onboard within seconds of finding out about it. Something to think about! Plus it’s great material for another song!
Kanye West, we’re going to need you to break down for us, in extreme detail, why your pants straight-up fell off while you were on a date with Kim Kardashian in New York this weekend. Now, some of people might be content to assume that Yeezy was merely sagging his pants (like you do) and that things got out of hand when he tried to move into a standing position from a car. We hear what those people are saying and they might have a point…if those weren’t leather pants. We’ve seen Friends; we know leather pants are the hardest trouser to remove from the human body. The sweat factor alone makes it almost impossible!
Not that it’s anything we haven’t seen before (Kanye West nude pics, anyone?), but because we have human brains and we need a logical explanation for everything, we tried desperately to come up with a rational for what fate befell Kanye’s pants. Do you buy any of these?
- Too much swag stuffed into Yeezy’s pockets made his pants rocket toward the earth like a calfskin meteorite.
- Kanye is trying to get exposed man-thigh to happen for Summer 2011. Stop trying to make man-thigh happen, Kanye! It’s not going to happen!
- Something seedy and sexual that we don’t even want to deal with. Get it right, you two!
- That’s it! Those are literally the only explanations we can thing of, because this makes no sense!
Whatever it is, at least we can be sure it’s not some kind of PR stunt. Right, Kim and Kanye?
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Even though it would be one of the highest compliments a human being could receive, Kanye says he did not call Kim Kardashian his ‘Beyonce.’ As the rapper insisted to Us Weekly this afternoon, “Of course there are a lot of media inaccuracies surrounding this past couple of weeks, especially the ‘She’s my Beyonce‘ quote. I would never compare anyone to my friend’s wife.” That’s a good point, Yeezy. On the other hand, maybe it just slipped out when you were trying to compliment her? You know, like instead of saying “Oh, you look like you were designed by Karl Lagerfeld” or “Oh, it’s like you’re made entirely out of chinchilla fur,” you accidentally compared her to Queen Bey? Let us not pretend you haven’t said all those phrases at some point, Kanye. Let’s not even.
While they might be printing his clarification now, it was also Us Weekly who originally reported Kanye‘s Beyonce comparison in the first place. “They’re perfect for each other. He thinks she’s his Beyonce!,” their source gushed. “Come on now, that doesn’t even sound like me,” Kanye (questionably) claims. “If I don’t say something in a rap or on Twitter, it’s not true.” Well, we’re glad Ye cleared things up at least. You know Jay-Z was feeling so awkward about inviting him over for Game Night this week…
[Photo: Splash News Online]