Somehow, TMZ knows a whole lot about what’s going on in Kim Kardashian’s uterus this days. The gossip site reports that Kim’s been having “severe pains” in the past few days, and her doctor warned her that stress over her divorce from Kris Humphries could have “long-term effects” on her and Kanye West’s unborn child with Kanye West. She reportedly was experiencing these pains several hours before visiting her lawyer, Laura Wasser, yesterday.
Hey, everybody, Kris Humphries doesn’t have herpes. Happy Tuesday! Yes, the former Mr. Kardashian just received the all-clear from doctors, proclaiming him STD free for all to see. Kris submitted to the blood tests after getting slapped with a lawsuit over the summer accusing him of knowingly giving herpes to a one-night-stand. The suit was filed by a woman named Kayla Goldberg, who claims the condom-less “encounter” took place in August of 2010, and resulted in her contracting the illness.
We didn’t fully realize until today just how angry Kris Humphries was about whole Kim Kardashian divorce drama. How mad, you ask? Mad enough to turn down $10 million. So yeah, that’s pretty mad. According to RadarOnline, Kim offered the Brooklyn Net a $10 million settlement to end the legal stalemate in their divorce. Yes, $10 million. But Kris turned her down, because he’s not out for money, he’s out for some cold courtroom vengeance.
“After Kim filed for divorce, she offered Kris a $10 million payoff with the agreement that he would not continue to pursue an annulment to their marriage on the grounds of fraud,” and insider told the website. An annulment is basically the marriage-equivalent of a “freebie oops” card (that’s a thing, right?), which voids a marriage in any spiritual or religious capacity. “He wants to be able to marry in a church again, with a clear conscience, when he finds someone special. Kris is deeply religious and he believes that the only way he can do that is if his marriage to Kim is annulled.”
Hold New Years, y’all, we’ve got even bigger news: Kanye West got Kim Kardashian pregnant! The rapper dropped the baby bomb last night during a concert at the Revel Casino in Atlantic City, where he refered to Kim as his “baby mama” in front of 5,000 fans, and gushed that “it’s the most amazing thing.” There had been rumors earlier in the week that Kim had joined the “extreme morning sickness” club, but stuff got real when fellow members of the Kardashian Klan took to Twitter to offer up their congrats.
“Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can!” wrote Kourtney Kardashian, who already has two young kids of her own. “Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!” Sister Khloe also sent her well wishes. “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!! LOVE is everything!!!” And of course, momager Kris Jenner got in on the action with a lame pun: “Oh BABY BABY BABY!!”
Kim and Kanye have been dating since April, and they seem to have been pretty inseparable ever since. Kanye even wrote the song “Theraflu” for her, and rapped about her being his “perfect bitch.” We imagine they’re pretty pumped about the whole pregnancy thing, but we can think of one guy who might not be: Kim’s technical-husband Kris Humphries. The divorce still isn’t final on their 72-day-marriage, and he’s long made it clear that he intends to fight Kim in court. We’ll have to wait and see how these latest developments will affect the case. Getting pregnant with another dude’s baby while they’re still not divorced might be enough to rile the Brooklyn Nets player.
[Photo: Getty Images]
We’re getting the impression that Kris Humphries is kind of the Charlie Brown of the celebrity world. Even before things went epically south in his marriage with Kim Kardashian, there was something tragi-comic about the guy. Whether he’s seated next to his (ex) wife’s sex tape partner on a plane, belatedly learning that his fiance has in fact been married before, or getting sued over an alleged herpes outbreak, he always has a lot on his plate. There’s no other way to put it: the universe just seems to continuously s– on him.
So when we heard that he got into a battle royale on the TD Garden court last night in Boston, we weren’t all that surprised. It just seemed like something that would happen to the guy. Apparently he and Celtic player Rajon Rondo tangoed during the second quarter after Humphries fouled Celtic Kevin Garnett. Kris was reportedly pushed into the bleachers under the Celtic’s basket during the scuffle, which resulted in both he and Rondo being booted from the game.
He shared a photo of his injuries on twitter soon after the ill-fated game, which appear to be made by a large jaguar. “Anyone know where I can get a quick Tetanus shot in Boston?” he captioned the pic, crushing our soul a little more in the process. The Nets player has yet to comment officially on the brawl.
When he’s not fighting on the basketball court, Humphries is fighting in the legal court (zing). His is apparently dragging his feet hardcore in the process to divorce his ex Kim, and how her current boyfriend Kanye West has entered the circus. According to TMZ, Yeezy has sat for a deposition in the case, which is still pretty ugly over a year later. “She is now handcuffed to Mr. Humphries,” says Kim’s lawyer Laura Wasser. The trial date is set for February 13th of next year.
[Photo: Getty Images/Twitter]
Wow. We thought Kris Humphries had it bad when he was forced to try to subpoena Kanye with a Nordstrom box. Or when his ex girlfriend Myla Sinanaj was allegedly pregnant and talking to the press. Or when he got portrayed on Keeping Up With The Kardashians as Kim Kardashian‘s rude, boneheaded fiance. Getting sued over allegedly transmitting herpes, however, takes the humiliating cake. According to TMZ, a woman by the name of Kayla Goldberg contends that Kim’s ex knowingly gave her the STD during a one night stand back in August 2010. On one hand, it would be tempting to sue a celebrity for money in recompense for giving you herpes. On the other hand, now everyone knows that Kayla Goldberg was into Kris Humphries. Who cares about the herpes, Kayla? Don’t you remember when Kris allegedly called Kim “fat”? That is the real line here, people!
The sexual battery suit (which TMZ has available for your perusal) includes a lot of other embarrassing details, like the fact the two did not use a condom. We just heard the mothers of the world faint into a heap. And underneath that deafening thud? The low, victorious laugh of one Ms. Kim Kardashian, probably trying on Gucci, undoubtedly enjoying all of this.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Sometimes, when the weather gets hot, a bad relationship starts itching at you like a million grains of sand in your bathing suit. At least we’re assuming that’s what happens, seeing as how the summer months have been rife with celeb break-ups this year. From old married like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to the most casual of booty calls like Kris Humphries and Myla Sinanaj, at least all these painful break-ups will bear delicious new relationships in the fall. Or a few Twitter meltdowns. Either way, you will survive, celebrity dumpees!
What was Kim Kardashian up to yesterday as her divorce drama was heating up in L.A.? Heating up the beach in a bikini on a glorious Hawaiian island, of course! It’s the Kardashian way of dealing with things. The 31-year old tweeted these pictures of herself looking like a 1950s pinup in a throwback swimsuit, complete with island flowers tucked in her locks. “Me Ke Aloha,” she captioned one, which we think is Hawaiian for, “This is way better than looking over affidavits.”
Despite rumors that wedding bells are in the air, Kim insists that she isn’t fast-tracking her divorce from Kris Humphries so she can marry boyfriend Kanye West. Friends told TMZ that Kim feels Kris has become “a cancer” on her life, and she wants to be rid of him for good. These sources quote Kim as saying that “Kris is the first person I ever had to break-up with and that f—ed with my emotions.”
She also alleges that he made threats as their marriage started to hit the fan. “He told our producers he would destroy my career and me if the show wasn’t edited right.” Kim claims that she has outtakes from Keeping Up With the Kardashians which illustrate Kris as a “manipulative, vindictive, petty, fame-hungry jerk,” but the whole experience is reportedly leaving her “emotionally exhausted.” So maybe a Hawaiian getaway is just what the court ordered.
Imagine for a moment that you’re Kanye West. It’s cool, we do it all the time. You’ve just woken up nice and rested after an 8 hour break from your girlfriend Kim Kardashian’s baby voice. You head downstairs and find a package from Nordstrom, so you think, “Oh great, my Rue La La orders are here!’ You tear into it feverishly expecting to find your hot new pink polo and you find…a subpoena! BOOM! You just got served by Kris Humphries’ lawyer.
Kris’ legal team proved themselves to be nothing short of Nobel-Prize-level geniuses when they pulled this stunt to trick Yeezy into being served a subpoena, thus drawing him further into the Kim/Kris divorce fray. We heard that his facepalm was audible for miles. But Kim’s lawyer Laura Wasser is calling foul over the sneaky move during the court case that is currently underway. Kim is already $250,000 deep into the proceedings, but her team is still uncertain what Humphries hopes to get out of the whole mess.
According to his lawyer Marshall Waller, Kris intends to prove that the entire marriage was simply a publicity stunt for her reality TV empire and demands to be granted an annulment. In an effort to get more information on the program, he has subpoenaed not only Kanye, but momager Kris Jenner as well as the show producers and high ranking executives at NBC Universal. Team Kim is claiming innocence, saying they don’t know why Kris would suspect that the marriage was anything other than sincere. Exiting the courthouse today, Wasser told TMZ “We’re just moving forward. My client just wants to be divorced.” We’ll report back with more!
[Photo: Getty Images]
Aw, Kris Humphries. Now we feel sort of terrible for some of the hilariously mean things we said about you. Last week we were laughing cruelly right alongside Kim Kardashian after hearing that your new ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj was allegedly pregnant (though Kim probably didn’t accidentally spray her monitor with Arby’s when she started guffawing about it). Turns out? We were all enjoying our schadenfreude a little prematurely. “Uhhh ooooo Loook No babyy bump! #Shocker yes I’m a thick curvy girl *All natural I’m comfortable in my skin,” Sinanaj tweeted yesterday, in addition to photographic evidence of her complete lack of a baby bump. So, unless Myla can suck it in harder than anyone has ever sucked it in…we’re pretty sure Kris is off the hook on this one.
As if that wasn’t enough for us to start feeling Humphries’ pain, RadarOnline reports that during their marriage, Kim would all but shove her life partner off the red carpet in order to get herself a good photo opp. “Kris plans on testifying at the upcoming divorce trial that Kim would often tell him to get out of the shot when photographers would descend upon them,” their source claims. “Kim would complain that because of Kris’ height, he was blocking the photographers clear shot of her. Kim would get very upset if he didn’t move quickly enough.” Yeah, that sounds…incredibly plausible. Incredibly plausible and mean. Well, we guess we misjudged you, Humphries, and for that we’re….oh, wait, there’s still all that weird stuff about trying to silence Myla after your break-up. Plus how you acted on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Plus a bunch of other unpleasantness that will undoubtedly come out during the divorce aaaaaaaand now we’re ready to laugh again! Thank goodness! It’s the only thing that makes us feel alive.
[Photo: Getty Images/Twitter]