Aww, we miss Paula so much. For all of Steven Tyler’s American Idol inappropriateness, neither he nor J.Lo have ever seemed like they might have flown here from some alternate dimension filled with double rainbows and free Lunesta prescriptions. Not so Paula Abdul, who says she sleeps standing up with her eyes open. “I sleep standing up sometimes,” Paula said in an interview. “I’ve been sleeping against a wall and I never fully close my eyes so it freaks people out. My eyes are always kind of open,” which just fits so perfectly with everything else we know about her.
Explained the Live To Dance judge to Access Hollywood, “I fell asleep at an awards show when I got an award and my manager at the time let me just be asleep so that I could be on the jumbotron. But I only require a few hours of sleep. Lately it’s been two or three.” The rest of the night she practices elaborate tap-dance choreography with DJ Scat Cat! Paula did admit that Simon Cowell tried to make a move on her while they manned the AI panel, a fact that might make it awkward if Paula gets hired on Cowell’s X-Factor. “[Simon] did try to swap spit once,” Paula claimed. “He’s done it a few times.” If that’s not enough to rob you of the ability to sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time, well, then we don’t know what is!
Imagine it. It’s your time to shine. You’ve been practicing your routine for weeks and watching Black Swan (just the ballet parts!) on repeat. You’re ready to not only dance for the biggest audience of your life, but to also meet your idol: one Ms. Paula Abdul. You step out from behind the curtain to thunderous applause. Next thing you know, your skull is thudding against the stage like a watermelon slipping from a fat man’s hands. What else could you have expected except hitting the floor in a complete face plant on Paula Abdul’s Live To Dance, premiering Tuesday night?
You handle your humiliation well, or at least don’t burst into tears. “I think I slammed my head,” you say because, well, you slammed your head incredibly hard. While you put your hand over the gigantic gruesome welt on your forehead, Paula seems remarkably kind and lucid, though that could just be the editing. And as host Andrew Gunsberg hurries you off to see a medic/sign one million waivers saying you won’t sue their pants off, you can be proud knowing that most people in your situation wouldn’t have the courage to get back up and finish. Most people would also probably be knocked unconscious, but still. Well done.
Aw, we didn’t realize how we much missed her beautiful crazy mug until we saw the trailer for Paula Abdul’s Live To Dance, premiering January 4. The fact her show seems to take place in the Thunderdome from Mad Max is just the cherry on top of the tap-dancing sundae! We know what you’re saying. Another dance show? Aren’t there a million of them already? Yes, and we want more! More!
Live seems like it has all the cheesy dance-show cliches that we need to survive the new year. Dancer riding a tricycle? Check. Inspiring 80-something grandma in a leotard and sequined blazer? Check. What appears to be a zombie break-dancing troupe? Check and check! The only way this show would be better is if the name was changed to Dance To Live and it actually did take place in a futuristic distopia where Paula decided whether you survived based on your “unique ability” to be a hip-hop-dancing toddler. We don’t need another clog-dancing hero, you guys!