Michael Lohan

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Lindsay Lohan Avoids Jail, Gets More Rehab

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Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced back to rehab until January 3rd 2011 at the earliest. Judge Elden Fox has also ordered her to receive drug testings between her release from rehab and her next court date set for February 25th. We’d say got off pretty easy, considering the D.A. was aiming to put Lindsay behind bars for 180 days. She also gets her SCRAM anklet removed this afternoon

This latest appearance is court comes as a result of her violating probation by failing two drug tests in September. Despite Michael Lohan’s assault last night, he was on hand to witness the sentencing, as was ex-wife Dina. Lindsay was understandably emotional as she read aloud a handwritten letter to the court, and by the end of the hearing she could only offer a tearful “thank you” to Judge Fox.

Although the choice between jail and rehab can’t be that difficult, we’re hoping that Lindsay’s desire to return to the Betty Ford Clinic shows that she really wants to change. We’re glad she’s going to a place where she can get the treatment she needs to heal.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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by (@JordanRuntagh)

Michael Lohan Attacked Outside Home

Just a day after swearing off statements to the media in a statement to the media, Michael Lohan is back in the spotlight again. Although this time we guess it’s not really his fault. TMZ is reporting that Lohan was attacked outside of his Santa Monica home last night as he was getting into his car.

Michael made a 911 call around 10:00 PM and police found him bloody and shirtless in his yard. He claims that someone came up from behind him, put him in a choke hold and slashed his neck with a sharp object. He described the attacker as a man in his 50s or 60s dressed in a black running suit. The two wrestled before the suspect fled on foot. He has yet to be caught by the police.

Even scarier, Michael claims to have received a threatening phone call just an hour before the attack. Although to be fair, we imagine he gets angry phone calls on a fairly regular basis. Coming so close to daughter Lindsay’s court date, he speculates the crime was committed by someone who didn’t want him to attend.

Wait a second. Whoever did this must have really not wanted him there. Who could possibly….Oh my god. LINDSAY!?!?

[Photo: Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

For Michael Lohan, Going On A Bender Means “I Love You”

Hallmark, it’s time to come out with a new line of cards. “Here’s a card to say I love you. Because at the moment I’m too drunk to form words with my mouth.”

In a touchingly stupid display of paternal love, Michael Lohan is threatening to go on a drinking binge in order to show his daughter how much he cares about her. Big Mike is considering getting intentionally sent to the Betty Ford Clinic in an effort to get close to Lindsay, who still refuses to see him. According to TMZ, he intends to show up at the clinic and “cause a scene” in order to gain admittance. Don’t try to follow the logic, because it isn’t there.

In what seems like a bizarre and dark Mrs. Doubtfire sequel, the elder Lohan is even willing to stage his own arrest to convince the Betty Ford doctors that he is serious. Err, we’re pretty sure that’s not how it works. But more importantly, we finally have concrete proof that Michael Lohan thinks that drinking will literally solve his problems. No wonder Lindsay’s in such a mess. If you love her, let her go, Mike. She’ll come around. Just don’t give up the cranberry juice.

[Photo: Images]

by (@katespencer)

We’d Blame Michael Lohan Too

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Lindsay Lohan is apparently confronting her demons while in rehab at the Betty Ford Clinic, the biggest being her dad, Michael “I’ve gone to jail 3 times” Lohan. According to TMZ, Lindsay thinks she’s effed up because she’s grown up watching her dad (allegedly) beat her mother, booze it up and float in and out of the slammer. Sources say Linds often had to come between her mom and dad during fights, and the experience has left her, well, f*cked up.

The actress has also been pointing fingers at her early move to Los Angeles (where she lived basically unsupervised) and constant media scrutiny. We get how the first one could mess with your head, but LiLo all but courted the cameras for the past seven years. Hopefully she’s analyzing her own actions in rehab as well.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Introducing The Younger, Significantly Less Insane Michael Lohan

Rarely seen and sort of hunky (in that Irish no-upper-lip way they all have) Michael Lohan Jr. defended his sister Lindsay after popping his head out of whatever burrow he lives in following his escape from the Lohan sideshow. “People she was surrounded by – enablers, leeches, whatever you’d like to call it – made things very difficult,” Michael told People. “It’s quite strenuous to right your wrongs when the people around you help justify your actions. Therefore, cloudy judgment made it easy for her to neglect those trying to guide her.” Michael then raised his eyebrows up real high and discreetly nodded his head toward the rest of his family.

Predictably, elder Michael Lohan immediately hulked out on ex-wife Dina, blaming her for using Michael Jr. “First, to spread her BS, and second as her new pawn.” Papa Lohan may pouty that he was purposely excluded when Michael said, “We — her mother, brothers, and sister — have been there for Lindsay every step of the way — despite what trashy news reports — and will continue to give her our support and strength during these arduous times,” even though it is a proven scientific fact that Michael  Sr. is a terrible influence on his daughter.

As sane as he appears now, we worry lil’ Mikey Lohan might be tempted to enter the insanity like the rest of his family. Once a Michael Lohan gets a taste of the limelight, there’s no going back. And once a Michael Lohan sees his shadow on the ground, there’s six more weeks of winter!

by (@hallekiefer)

Father Of The Millennium Michael Lohan Tries To Sell Lindsay’s Rehab Diary

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Remember growing up how paranoid you were that your parents would read your diary and find out about your crush on Gambit from X-Men: The Animated Series (…just us, then)? Now imagine that actually happened, except instead of reading your diary your parents auctioned it off to the highest bidder, and also they are crazy.

That’s the situation Lindsay Lohan currently finds herself in as her father Michael attempts to sell some of her belongings for a quick buck, the most personal of which is a diary she kept while in a Utah rehab facility in 2007. Lindsay issued a cease and desist letter to her dad, calling his actions “shameful,” which is like calling the sky “blue” or water “wet.”

Lindsay’s rep Shawn Chapman Holley wrote the letter to Michael’s attorney Lisa Bloom, expressing how “appalled” his daughter was at such a “grave invasion of privacy.” Seriously though, someone needs to write down all the horrible things Michael Lohan has done and lock him in a room with them for a hundred years, because he is just not getting it. If it’s any conciliation, Lindsay, there’s not much that could be in that diary that would surprise us at this point. “Dear Diary: My dad is ruining my life. Also I love Adderall and drunk driving!” No duh, Lindsay. No duh. [Photo: WireImage]

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Lindsay Lohan Most Obvious Statement Ever: “I Was Irresponsible”

Lindsay Lohan might still be a mess in our eyes, but in her recent Vanity Fair interview, she actually comes off polished and, dare we say, she even looks pretty amazing on the cover.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Lohan interview without some family finger-pointing though. Despite the fact that Lindsay admits “I was irresponsible. And I’m not making excuses,” she does say that some of the blame lies with her father, Michael. She says “I think if anyone should be looked at medically it’s him. He has such a big chemical imbalance at this point because of all the things he’s done to himself. … The worst part of it is you turn around and you see your dad crying and normally you’d be, like, happy that your father’s there. But then he has to go and do an interview right after.”

Hey, wow, she has a point. But let’s not forget that angel, Dina Lohan, who goes on the Today Show and does the exact same thing.

Lindsay claims that during her irresponsible days, she was just doing what any college-aged kid would do. Any millionaire college kid, that is. “I was experimenting. I was doing certain things that people do 10 times more of when they’re in college…I didn’t have any structure. In the beginning, I had structure, and then I lost all the structure in my life. I think a lot of it was because when I was doing my first slew of movies, it was very go-go, and I had a lot of responsibility, and I think just the second I didn’t have [structure] anymore – I was 18, 19 – with a ton of money.”

Valid points, all of them. We’d certainly be going the escapist route if Michael Lohan was our dad. She finally admits that her career, as much of a joke as it’s been lately, is the most important thing to her. She explains “I want the respect I had when I was doing great movies. And if that takes not going out to a club at night, then so be it. It’s not fun anyway.”

It’s not fun, that’s why you do it every night! And as for a respectable career, your plastic lips to the party-gods’ ears, Linds.

by (@missmuttoo)

Clash Of The Worlds Biggest Idiots: Michael Lohan To Sue Rachel Uchitel

So this whole six degrees of separation theory doesn’t apply for all of humanity. Because apparently, between slime balls, there’s only one degree. Case in point: Michael Lohan and Rachel Uchitel. And in true slime ball form, he’s thinking about suing her.

Michael supposedly helped Yuckitel with getting her fame whore on, including her upcoming stint on Celebrity Rehab. Who the hell would trust their “career” with Michael Lohan? She should be sued just for that alone. But to be fair, Rachel isn’t exactly known for her brains. Soooo, Papa Lohan introduced the man-eating Tiger to David Weintraub. Now this dude is supposed to be some sort of talent manager, but we seriously doubt that because he agreed to accept Rachel as a client. Scratch “talent” right off his business card.

He’s the one who got Uchitel on Celeb Rehab where she’s allegedly raking in $500,000. Now this is when it gets mangled: Michael gets a commission off the clients he gets Weintraub, who was supposed to get a 20 percent commission off of Uchitel, which he would have then shared with Lohan. But now Rachel’s apparently played both of them. Lohan said she made a payment installment of $60,000 but refused to pay anymore and gave the rest of the money to charity. And by “charity” she probably means “shoes.” To add insult to injury, she want’s the original payment back. We have no idea why, but this is Michael Lohan’s story.

No money for Weintraub means no money for Lohan. And the statements coming from both Uchitel and Weintraub seem to be telling Lohan to make like the crazy banana he is and split. Rachel’s lawyer, Gloria Allred‘s statement basically translates to “F*ck off” reading, “Rachel has no agreement either in writing or otherwise with Michael Lohan. She is mystified as to why he believes he has any legal claim. She will not dignify his comments about her with any additional response. She has no further comment on this matter.”

Lohan’s giving her a week to pay up, else it’s off to courts. Please God, let this happen.

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Where In The World Is Cody Lohan?

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The Lohan family is famous for dragging their kids into the spotlight (as evidenced on the show Living Lohan and also everything else they’ve ever done), so there’s something that’s been concerning us lately. Where the hell is their youngest child Cody? Dina and Ali Lohan have been in California visiting Lindsay in rehab, papa Michael is busy retooling (haha, tooling) his song for Lindsay, and eldest son Michael, Jr. is 22 and old enough to be living on his own, so we’re not worried about him. It’s one thing if they have, for once, been sheltering Cody from the media and actually using good judgment with regard to his upbringing, but that’s just so unlike them.

The picture above, of Cody attending school on Long Island in November 2009 is the most recent one we could find. And if we are to believe that this is Cody’s MySpace page, at least we have evidence that he’s alive and well (and communicating with Ali and Dina solely through the internet – the comments section on the site are priceless). So is Cody making a concerted effort to avoid the spotlight? Does he just not want to go on rehab runs to visit Lindsay? Or is he hitching a ride home on the Long Island Expressway as we speak because someone forgot him at the airport? We may never know.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Michael Lohan’s Song For Lindsay: An Analysis

Michael Lohan has released a song which he wrote while he was in jail, and it’s all for daughter Lindsay. So what can you expect from this Daddy-daughter love-fest?  Well, not Lohan’s voice, sadly. He hired a “friend” to sing the lyrics over some heavy synthesizer tracks, and it’s a little Richard Marx-y and a whole lot of cheesy. Lohan would have written more poetic lyrics if he cribbed them from a Hallmark card, but uh, at least he was trying? Or something? Have a listen and then let’s analyze this thing!

Woke up this morning, heard the words to your song ["Confessions Of A Broken Heart" we guess?]

Never meant to hurt you, I know where I went wrong. [Where do you want to start, being jailed, forcing all four kids into child stardom, what?]

Raise you to understand all the good in life, [The paychecks from said child stardom.]

Somehow I lost my way, should’ve taken my advice. [Instead of drinking those paychecks away]

I love you so much, just one chance to make it up

‘Cause a father’s love will never die. [Unfortunately!]

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