We all remember what happened to Ryan Gosling‘s character at the end of Drive, don’t we? (He drives up to Heaven, right? Did we interpret that last shot wrong?) The Place Beyond The Pines trailer seems to have the potential for even more violence than that, what with all the bank robbing and the motorcycle death cage and such. Even Blue Valentine left Gosling’s character basically destroyed, albeit in an emotional sense. We were hoping to get a Crazy. Stupid. Love. to break up the brutality of Ryan’s career trajectory, but instead we got the teaser trailer for Only God Forgives, Gosling’s new Thai kickboxing movie. Oh yeah, he’s gonna get punched in the eye for sure.
As short as the teaser is, we only need to see 20 seconds of director Nicolas Winding Refn‘s new thriller to know it is as gritty and teeth-shattering as all of Gosling’s recent films. Did we mention the upcoming movie stars Ryan as a “gym owner who has to take out his brother’s murderer — or perish himself.” Yeah, we wouldn’t blame Ryan if his next film was, say, Smurfs 3: This Time It’s Smurf-onal. Just to give his fists a break.
This is not a drill. This is Ryan Gosling holding a baby and being adorable. We know it basically looks like a less violent Drive and maybe they had to dress down Bradley Cooper and Eva Mendes to achieve it, but are we wrong in thinking Ryan Gosling has never been hotter than he is in the new Place Beyond The Pines trailer? Obviously we were going to enjoy the baby, the romancing and the motorcycle, but who knew we were this into a bad bleach job and face tattoos? Just kidding, we knew all along. We realized you might know too, which is why we screencapped the gloriousness that is Ryan Gosling for your convenience:
You’ve returned unto us, Jim Carrey! While we love that the trailer for The Incredible Burt Wonderstone contains a variety of delights from bedazzled velvet jumpsuits to Alan Alda to Steve Buscemi in a luxurious blond wig, the most exciting part by far is seeing Jim Carrey back on top of his comedy game as a David Blaine/Criss Angel hybrid. We couldn’t be happier to see him vamping across from Steve Carell‘s earnest magician lead. It’s been a while since Jim Carrey’s been known for anything but that creepy Emma Stone video and disappointing Jenny McCarthy. A long while.
Since 2004, in fact. That’s not say last year’s Mr. Popper’s Penguins wasn’t adorable (Was it? We didn’t even see it), but the last couple years have been a comedic drought for Carrey. While the actor killed it 2009’s I Love You Phillip Morris, other films like Yes Man, Fun With Dick and Jane and that weird CGI version of A Christmas Carol were pretty big misses. As people raised on Liar, Liar, it was a hard time to get through. But now? His wig alone seems worth the price of admission. First Chris Tucker, now Jim Carrey. Welcome back, gentlemen. We really, really missed you and your hysterical high-pitched screams.
If we had to Frankenstein together our dream movie, it would probably be Miss Congeniality, combined with Bridesmaids and starring our funniest aunt, Doreen. Obviously Hollywood has somehow gained access to our dreams (we’d be more concerned about that part, but it’s Friday!) and is using our subconscious for film fodder. How else can you explain the trailer for The Heat, a buddy cop comedy due next April featuring Sandra Bullock as a neurotic FBI agent Katerina James and Melissa McCarthy as a sloppy, raw-faced Irish detective Joyce Nelson cleaning up Boston with elaborate threats and pints of beer? This is the same industry that’s making three Smurf movies! Clearly they are mining somebody’s genius for comedy gold.
Call us cray, but it’s characters like McCarthy’s Joyce (and her Diana from Identity Theft, we’re assuming) that give us real faith the film industry is starting to acknowledge that people would rather laugh then stare at beautiful praying mantis people on a screen for 90 minutes. We won’t even get into how Melissa McCarthy probably had to spend 2 hours in makeup to look that flushed and disheveled. Okay, so maybe it’s not so much the film industry at large that’s moving us along so much as director Paul Feig, who also directed Bridesmaids. Regardless! We’ll raise a glass to Joyce either way…only to have it explode in our hands and get blood on our fancy pantsuit.
We know we’ve been on the Anne Hathaway tip for awhile now (That hair! That sweater! Dem teeth!) but we especially felt protective of the lady when some would-be fans and critics started ragging on her about her vocals from the Les Miserables trailer. (We all saw the featurette! They sing those songs live in order that their voices break with emotion like that!) We especially want to rep Hathaway now that we got a taste of Russell Crowe‘s singing in the new Les Miz trailer that dropped today. It’s noticeably different than say, Hugh Jackman‘s or Amanda Seyfried‘s pipes. It’s not Pierce Brosnan in Mama Mia! bad…but it’s questionable at best.
Luckily the new trailer also has some delicious shots of Sacha Baron Cohen and Helen Bonham Carter as the fabulously greasy Thenadiers, so there’s a lot to love. And really, we love Russell Crowe too! We’ve had a crush on him since Gladiator, his beard looks great and we want to make-out with that giant hat he gets to wear. We just might not love his shout-singing as much as some other performer’s vocal contributions. Like, say, one Ms. Anne Hathaway’s, for example. Anne Hathaway is going to blow everyone way as Fantine! Mark our words!
Is Side Effects the bizarro version of The Vow? The Vow plus Memento? A woman happily married to Channing Tatum suddenly doesn’t remember what happened to her during a specific dark period of time, only instead of Rachel McAdams, the wife is played by Rooney Mara. And instead of amnesia, she has…whatever kind of amnesia allows Jude Law to turn you into an unknowing homicide machine. We honestly aren’t sure if that’s the correct plot (or, frankly, even close to the plot) after watching the film’s trailer, but the important thing to keep in mind when thinking about Side Effects is Channing Tatum. Dreamy soft-focus Channing Tatum, joined later by furrowed-brow possible-husband-of-a-murderer Channing Tatum. There’s also some sexy business and at least murder going on, but mostly? Channing Tatum.
Side Effects is allegedly one of Steven Soderbergh‘s last features before the director retires from the moviemaking business forever, the other being the Liberace biopic Behind The Candelabra. The man is going out on top! Soderbergh also filmed Channing for Magic Mike, so we’re guessing he knows what the fans want out of a Channing Tatum sexy murder movie: shirtlessness, wall-punching, pelvic thrusting if and when appropriate.
It would be easy to compare Vamps to Clueless, if only for the fact that Vamps made possible the reunion of Clueless director Amy Hecklering with her star Alicia Silverstone. While that pairing alone makes the movie exquisitely squee-worthy, there are so many obvious Clueless elements at play in the new film, the Vamps trailer is satisfying a Clueless desire we didn’t even know we had. Not unlike the deep, uncontrollable desire for blood! Okay, so the vampire plotline might make it seem like Vamps falls outside your average “amazing girl comedy” genre. But let’s take a closer look, shall we? Much like Clueless, Vamps provides…
Guys, this is looks good. Like Mean Girls good. Immediately following the announcement that it would premiere February 14, 2013, the To Do List trailer ticked off all the things we want to see in a teen movie. Things like Bill Hader, Donald Glover, Alia Shawkat, Rachel Bilson, and skorts. Most importantly, the To Do List has Parks and Rec‘s Aubrey Plaza as the goody-goody nerdlinger protagonist, who tries to put some notches on her belt before going off to college…with hilarious consequences! It goes without saying there will be hilarious consequences, right? So go on and watch the (sort of NSFW) trailer. It perfectly fulfills all our teen comedy needs. Needs like:
Oh, so you thought Spring Breakerswas just a movie about neon bikinis, bad dye jobs and scooters? Think again, amigos. It’a also about existential despair. That’s what we’re picking up from the first clip from Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez and Ashley Benson‘s dark comedy anyway. “I’m so tired of seeing the same thing every single day. Everybody’s miserable here because everybody sees the same things. They wake up in the same bed in the same houses,” Selena intones in the video, as Vanessa, um, faux-shoots herself in the head with her finger gun. And are they in a jail cell? Yikes. This clip real bums us out. It bums us out so much, in fact, that we completely understand why they would follow (let alone speak to) a corn-rowed, Hawaiian shirt-wearing James Franco. In fact, if Party Time James Franco strolled into our cubicle right now, we’d finish our sandwich and go drive his getaway car.
We guess our only question is: is anyone perturbed seeing Gomez get so grim? (Or Pretty Little Liars‘ Benson?)(Or Hudgens, while we’re at it?) “People will be a little shocked, I think. I’m a little nervous about it, but honestly, it’s a right step for me, I’m really proud of it,” Selena told MTV back in June. “I think as an actress it really challenged me. All of the other actresses are also trying to prove themselves, so it was just really, really fun.” Is Selena’s morose turn jarring to you, or does it have you secretly psyched to see her run wild in the streets? Or does it just make you want to go lie down under some blankets?
Looks like February 2013 already has a new break-out star! And by “break out star,” we mean a star that makes us want to break out of our skin and plunge into the void of insanity! We guess that’s kind of the point, seeing as how Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace‘s upcoming erotic thriller Passionlooks like a cross between Basic Instinct, Eyes Wide Shut, and Halloween H20: Return of Mike Myers. According to IMDB, the Prometheus actress and The Vow star get their freak on in every sense of the word as “[a] young businesswoman [who] plots murderous revenge after her boss and mentor steals her idea.” Their IMDB page also has an additional photo of the mask, and it is making us want to scream forever. Those lips! This horrible, glorious lips!
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the mask seems to have a pivotal role in the movie! People are wearing it to make love to Rachel McAdams, they’re showing it to people, they’re wearing it while holding some kind of knife. Seriously, take a look and tell us you aren’t filled with terror at that mask. We’ll be right here, too scared to move: