Hey, remember those two things you hoped to God you would never have to see? Well, it turns out they both exist and could at any point surface on the Internet. They’re like Internet Jaws: you never know when they’re going to strike! First of this evening’s nightmares is a nude vintage sex photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger that surfaced in Penthouse founder Bob Guiccione‘s storage locker, a locker which we’re betting smells so, so, so gross. The New York Post reports that the pic involved the former governor “performing a sex act,” a description we find terrifying in its vagueness. There’s no word as to whether the storage unit’s new owner plans to publish the image, but considering he bought Bob Guccione’s storage unit after the famed pornographer went bankrupt, we’re assuming it’s only a matter of time until we know even more about a man we know way too much about…
These days, you don’t know you’ve made it until someone’s shopping around a nude photo or sex tape of you — whether or not you actually made one. In 2012, we were surprised to see the sheer variety of famous people whose intimate moments and communiques were leaked, or threatened to be. Olympians, actors, princes and pop stars were all subject to exposure, much to our simultaneous horror and delight. We hope this doesn’t humiliate them anew, but we decided to recap them all here, in their many flavors:
The Leaks We Saw (and Sometimes Wish We Could Unsee):
Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape: The weird lighting, the full sushi belly, the ringtone from his daughter’s single — so much about Hulk’s tape with Heather Clem is humiliating in its own right. But when you add the fact that it was allegedly taped by Clem’s husband, Hulk’s pal Bubba the Love Sponge, it reaches new levels of ick. No wonder Hogan originally said he didn’t remember any of this going down. We’d like to forget it too.
Prince Harry’s Strip Billiards: Here is someone we actually wouldn’t mind seeing full-monty. Except it’s kind of unfair that he was snapped while obviously drunk and unawares in the middle of a game of strip billiards in Vegas. The photo was unsatisfyingly blurry, and we felt really bad about the reaming out his grandma probably gave him.
Miley Cyrus in a Bathtub:This tastefully done nude was apparently shot by a professional photog friend of Miley’s a couple of years ago and intended for fiance Liam Hemsworth’s eyes only. That makes the gift a little less special, so it makes us a little sad.
Gymnast Danell Levya’s Sexxxy Bathroom Pics: A disgruntled ex paramour shared a handful of photos with Deadspin at the height of the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team’s fame. If the whole sports thing doesn’t work out, it looks like someone has a future in underwear modeling! Read more…
Before we begin, take a minute to evacuate the 10 mile radius around Ice-T, because he’s probably going to blow his top Mr. Vesuvius style. Who knows, maybe this is what the Mayans meant by the apocalypse. We were just recovering from the shock of Ice and Coco’s marital tiff last week. Mr. T made his displeasure known when pictures surfaced of another dude cozy up to his wife. Totally understandable. But if he was pissed about a little nuzzling, he gonna go ballistic at the rumor that the guy in the pic did a hell of a lot more than a peck on the cheek.
Rapper AP.9 is now claiming to have nude pictures of the always glam bombshell. On the surface that doesn’t sound so bad, considering the fact that Coco posts nude pictures of herself to her twitter and website almost every day. In fact, we’d wager that one out of every one person has nude pictures of Coco somewhere. But the rapper insists that these pix were taken in his bed. Dude…are you trying to make Ice-T kick your ass? Is this some kind of bet?
“AP.9 has been bragging that he has photos of Coco with him in a private room in Vegas, and that in some of them she’s on a bed, totally naked!” a source told RadarOnline. “He’s been putting feelers out to see if people want to buy the pictures and he’s claiming they’re really salacious and that a LOT more happened with Coco than just them posing in a night club.” The insider went on to say that Ap.9 is not spooked by Ice. For what it’s worth, he totally should be.
Hurray! Also, uh oh! After months and months of gossip about real and faked Carly Rae Jepsen nude photos, TMZ reports that the total lamer who allegedly hacked the singer’s computer has been arrested after turning himself into police on Friday, December 7. It’s all great news…until you realize that it confirms both that Carly got hacked and that she had nude photos taken from her possession. Were we the only ones naive enough to think after all this time it might still be a rumor? Of course, why would Jepsen’s peeps and the authorities have been trying to nail this guy since March if it was a rumor? Boy, do we feel dumb! We also feel like the only people on the planet who don’t keep nude photos of themselves on their computers.
While in custody in Vancouver, 25-year-old Christopher David Long was charged with “fraudulently obtaining telecommunications services, unauthorized use of computer, mischief to data, identity fraud, and possession of stolen property.” Mischief to data! What, did he Photoshop Paula Deen riding Carly, too? Was Sad Keanu watching it all go down? Oh, the indignity! Long was later released and must return to court on January 4. On the plus side, if any naked Jepsen photos get released over the holidays, at least we know who’s butt is getting thrown in jail. We’ll say a little holiday prayer his is the only butt we have to blog about.
When those first topless pics of Kate Middleton were published earlier this month, we had two reactions — sympathy for the Duchess of Cambridge for having her privacy violated, and a bit of a shoulder shrug, because tons of ladies sunbathe topless in France and if you’re gonna do that and be famous, you should expect someone to catch you in the act, no matter how private you think your chosen estate may be. But now that a new set of photos has been published by Danish magazine Se og Hor, one featuring her changing out of her bikini bottom, we’re feeling really bad for her, and icky about people in general. We’re all for being proud of your body and showing it off whenever you like. But then we think about those times when we’ve been hanging out in a wet bathing suit and absolutely had to get out of it immediately, so we tried to maneuver our towels over the important bits in order to make a quick change, and then sometimes the towel slipped and we were really really glad no one who cared was around to see us (we think). Of course, the duchess would never be that lucky.
“We are a leading gossip magazine in Denmark, and it is my job to publish them,” the magazine’s editor told the Belfast Telegraph before the issue came out. “If the British royal family want to sue us, then it will happen then and we’ll deal with it.”
On the bright side, Kate, these pics are super grainy (OK, fine, everyone, head over to Egotastic to see scans of them). And also, when you guys sue the crap out of these tabloids, maybe you can donate that cash to some awesome charity or something.
This is the same woman who played Virginia Woolf! And Diane Arbus! And is about to playGrace Kelly! Which is probably why we’re so into Nicole Kidman‘s reinvention as a southern-fried sex kitten (a regional delicacy!) for Lee Daniels‘ The Paperboy. It looks like Nicole is even more into than we are, however, seeing as how she got topless and bottomless for her trashy-hot V Magazine cover. “I don’t really make decisions,” Kidman says in her interview. “I go with the flow. If I were a strategically minded person, I think I would have a far different career. But I would be more outlandish if I could. A lot of times you just don’t get the chance.” Yeah, considering Nicole’s won an Academy Award, this definitely qualifies as outlandish. Peeing on Zac Efron was just the beginning!
To be honest, the rest of Nicole’s Mario Testino-shot spread is even more revealing than her cover, and by that we mean Nicole is totes wearing a see-through bra. Meanwhile, director Daniels takes a moment to describe an aggressive sex scene between John Cusack and Kidman that takes place on top of a washing machine. Consider us scandalized. “At a certain point, I saw the bruises on her legs. So I said, ‘Nicole, are you okay?’ She lied. ‘I’m fine,’ she said. She wasn’t fine. I could see the bruises. But she kept going,” he says. Whaaaaa? Of all two people in the world! While we rewatch Cold Mountain and shake our heads, you can click the jump to check out the full cover, and that Academy Award-winning booty:
By now, we hope you’ve seen — and probably enjoyed — the photos TMZ obtained of Prince Harry‘s naked escapades. Thanks to a cell phone in the hands of one of the random people invited to his room at the Wynn, what happened in Vegas … is now a hot topic of worldwide conversation. TMZ says reps for the royal family are “none too pleased” with his game of strip pool, but from what we can tell from other British sources, this won’t have any sort of serious repercussions for the third in line for the throne.
“We can stand on our lofty moral high ground and say, ‘how can he be so stupid and put himself in such a position’ but it is that buffoonery in him that we all love,” Ingrid Seward, editor of Majesty magazine told London’s Telegraph. “I don’t think it will damage the Royal Family at all. He’s the Boris Johnson of the Royal Family.” (That’s wacky London Mayor Boris Johnson, for those of you who didn’t watch the Olympics.)
“He’s been doing a lot of good work for the queen and getting a good reputation and although a lot of people think this is a great laugh, it does actually bring the monarchy into disrepute and will embarrass the queen,” Robert Jobson, who wrote a book about the prince’s military service in Afghanistan, told Reuters. Read more…
And now the little one? Dang. Last time we checked, Tallulah Willis was maturely warning others against the dangers of starving yourself before Coachella; now photos of Demi Moore‘s youngest daughter smoking a joint while topless are allegedly being shopped around to the highest bidder. Not that those two things are at odds with each other (the photos might have been taken at Coachella, for all we know), but still. Yuck.
We can’t imagine Tallulah’s eminent scandal is going over well at home, especially if rumors about the rocky relationship between Demi and her girls is true. According to RadarOnline, the relationship between Moore and her kids has reached a “breaking point” due to Demi’s continued struggle to avoid relapse. We guess Moore’s rehab visit and ongoing battle completely overshadowed her daughters’ lives in our minds, because we only just now realized that Tallulah’s bidness is merely the latest bit of Willis daughter drama in a pretty long history. It’s bad news when your daughter’s semi-nude photo drama can’t even top your own, is all we’re saying. Check out the other Willis daughter dirt we had completely forgotten about in the wake of Demi’s dilemmas:
Hey Terrell Owens…how you doing today? Not great, right? We wouldn’t be in a great place either if photos of our “graphic” nude Skype sexcapades were allegedly being shopped around the internet. And it’s the woman you were cybering with that is allegedly trying to sell them? That is deeply cold. So cold in fact, we’re going to go ahead and suggest you take the rest of 2012 as solitary “Me Time.” Just do you, T.O., but not in the way that you’re “doing you” in those leaked pics. If you’re picking up what we’re putting down.
Now, we don’t mean to blame you for someone else trying to take advantage of your Interweb nudity; clearly the woman who is doing this needs a blog post of her own, but as far as we know she’s not famous and as such doesn’t get one. But between this incident and that horrible dressing down you got on Dr. Phil last month by three of your kids’ moms, you might benefit from some time alone. As if that wasn’t bad enough, you told Grantland last week, “Am I wrong for saying somebody has thought about, Is it worth living? Just because I’m a figure and I say sometimes what people are thinking, that’s not wrong. I’m not less of a person or a mental case because I say that.” That’s a red flag that you need to take some personal time immediately, T.O. Get out of the lime light for a while! Take up pottery! Start a dream journal! And whatever you do, don’t do it over Skype anymore. It’s the exact advice we just gave Demi Lovato, and it applies to everyone.
So, Jenny McCarthy hasn’t aged in the last 20 years, right? That’s what we’re getting from Jenny McCarthy’s new Playboy cover, which has the Love in The Wild host posing as nude as the day she was born, or at least nude as the day she first posed for Playboy back in 1993. After her initial spread killed, Jenny went on to become a Playmate of the Year, as well as pose approximately 1,000 more times for the magazine. So…can Jenny McCarthy just pose every 5 or 10 years for the rest of her life? We as a society are ready for it. So ready.
“I’m really proud of it,” McCarthy told People about her fishnet-begloved August 2012 cover. “The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They’re really elegant. It’s probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you’d see of people with their clothes on.” You know what else is surprisingly classy? All of Jenny’s previous Playboy covers. No, seriously, take a look! Personally we think McCarthy is the most jaw-dropping in her most recent photo (Photoshop skills notwithstanding), but take a look at her previous covers and let us know: which of Jenny’s Playboy covers is the smoking-est?