Plastic Surgery

by (@hallekiefer)

Bristol Palin’s Hot New Face The Result Of “Corrective Jaw Surgery,” She Says


We just alerted NASA that they might be seeing a few unidentified flying objects shooting past the moon in a few moments. Those’ll be the eyebrows that flew off our foreheads upon reading Bristol Palin’s plastic surgery denial. “I had corrective jaw surgery,” Palin tells US Magazine about her new slimmer face and more prominent jaw. “It’s not plastic surgery. Yes. It improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons…so my jaw and teeth could properly realign…I don’t obsess over my face.” Funny how only celebrities seem to require procedures that make them better looking, while the rest of us end up with weird scars. It defies the law of statistics, is all.

Personally, when we think jaw surgery, we think the “Kanye-West-car-accident, jaw-wired-shut-while-you-sip-pancakes-through-a-straw” kind, not the glossy nubbin on the end of Palin’s head. But what do we know? We aren’t highly paid L.A. doctors. Raves Bristol, “I am absolutely thrilled with the results. I look older, more mature, and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face!” How convenient that she needed major hottification surgery right before the new Bristol Palin reality show started airing. Really, someone should do a study on this; it should be in a peer-reviewed medical journal.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Pirates Of The Caribbean Director Against Mermaid Breast Implants

We’re glad someone is finally taking a stand against a growing problem amongst mythological beasts: too many breast implants! Luckily Jerry Bruckheimer banned mermaid boob jobs from his new film Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, paving the way for flatter, more natural-looking merpeople. In an interview with EW, Bruckheimer discussed a widely-circulated audition announcement for the mermaid roles that read “Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.” We kind of feel bad for any mermaids who’s fake boobs made them ineligible. We’d also like to know how they found out about them, and if they paid for them in shells.

Among the natural ladies who were cast as one of the cryptozoological creatures in Stranger Tides, Bruckheimer chose French actress Astrid Berges-Frisbey for the role of Syrena the Mermaid, to play against Johnny Depp‘s Jack Sparrow. Bruckheimer says that he was not joking when it comes to his anti-plastic surgery requirements. “I don’t think they had breast augmentation in the 1700s. So it’s natural for casting people to say, ‘We want real people,’” Jerry says. We sure hope they didn’t have them back then. What would they even be made out of? Seaweed?

[Photo: Disney]

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Nicole Kidman Finally Admits She Used Botox: A Timeline

Nicole Kidman

We’re a little suspicious about this quote—everyone’s crediting it to a nameless “German glamor mag”—but it looks like Nicole Kidman has finally admit to using Botox…if only in the past tense. “I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help,” she allegedly confessed. “I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore—and I can move my forehead again.”

Despite constant denials, the Critics’ Choice Movie Award nominee became notorious for her facial work—you can even tell which scenes in The Invasion are reshoots by watching her eyes. Check out our timeline gallery below and make your guess as to when (and if!) she had work done.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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by (@hallekiefer)

J-Woww Claims She Was Under Anesthesia When Ex Snapped Nude Photos

We see a picture of us in a two-piece on Facebook and we have a panic attack, so we are extremely anxious to hear that J-Woww’s ex-boyfriend Tom Lippolis tried to sell nude photos of the Jersey Shore star. Now to make even more horrifying, apparently Jenni “J-Woww” Farley was under anesthesia when the photos were taken. “Jenni came to me and told me that she heard rumors that Tom was trying to sell naked photos of her that she had no idea there were ever photos taken. Jenni says she must have been under anesthesia when they were taken. She is very upset but is going to try and remain out of the public legal battle right now,” said J-Woww’s lawyer Rudy Fusco.

Earlier today Lippolis described the photos depicting J-Woww after her first boob job to RadarOnline, claiming “Before she had her second breast augmentation, she was uneven, scarred, deformed and had tons of cellulite. There were two-inch scars on her nipples and after the surgery, they had stretched the skin and removed the scars.” Lippolis, who J-Woww claims stole from her after they broke up this past summer, maintains this is just his way of getting payment for work done as her manager.  Earlier this week J-Woww went to court over the photos, filing an order to show cause in an effort to prevent her ex-creeper from selling them to the highest bidder. “I didn’t even try to market the pictures, but after I filed the lawsuit she decided to make this an issue. She is just upset because I have this over her head,” Lippolis claims. Let’s hope that this new information is enough to finally prevent him from shopping the pictures around. Or that J-Woww rips both of his arms right out of their sockets, one of the two.

by (@hallekiefer)

Victoria Beckham Gets Her “Torpedo Bazookas” Taken Out

In case you had ever wondered why David Beckham was walking around with two perfectly spherical bruises on his chest, news comes today that Victoria Beckham had her breast implants removed. In a new interview with Vogue UK, Beckham reveals the change to reporter Lisa Armstrong, who writes of the fashionista, “No French manicures. No torpedo bazookas, either. ‘Gone,’ she announces.” Victoria is reportedly seeking a less processed appearance, rather than the “two grapefruits bolted to a mannequin and spray-painted orange” look she’s been rocking for the past decade.

Beckham had previously side-stepped implant rumors, even going to far as describing herself as “completely natural, except for my fingernails and I have a bit of help with my hair and a bit of a San Tropez going on.” We don’t know if “natural” is really the world for it if her fake tan alone was approaching Chernobyl-levels of toxicity. Victoria has also said before that  she looks “really awful naked” due to childbirth. But from what we can see from outside her clothes, going down a few sizes has to be a huge improvement.

by (@missmuttoo)

Did LeAnn Rimes Get a Boob Job?

leann-rimes-boob-job-550rnrnDid LeAnn Rimes get a boob job? She seems to be filling out her cups a lot more than usual, so that’s the question everyone seems to be asking. There’s no doubt that LeAnn’s bikini bod is banging! She’s toned, taut and has abs the rest of us can only dream about. Walking around in an itty-bitty two piece in Cabo while she was on holiday around the New Year with fiance Eddie Cibrian, the singer inadvertently revealed a certain anatomical anomaly which has the boob buzz going.rnrnIt certainly looks like she did, because bikini’s don’t hide much and she’s definitely looking more well-endowed than usual (as evidenced by our picture above: the left was taken on December 30, while the right is from March 2008). And one look at her would dispel any notions of weight gain causing the increase in her bra size because, well, just look at her! She’s ripped and there seems to be no excess weight on her. Except the boobs, that is. rn Read more…

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Heidi Montag On Her Plastic Surgery: “This Is Not What I Signed Up For”

heidi

Heidi Montag has opened up to Life & Style magazine to discuss the ten plastic surgeries she underwent last year. Seems Heidi has discovered what the rest of us knew all along: all that surgery was a terrible idea. Franken-Heidi still has serious scarring and says “Parts of my body definitely look worse than they did pre-surgery. This is not what I signed up for.” The magazine says that she still has several physical blemishes as a result of the surgeries, including “a 2-inch-long blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back. . . and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.” That sounds awful. But still more pleasant that living with Spencer Pratt. Just sayin’.

Knowing what she knows now about the end result, Heidi regrets what she’s done, saying “People have fewer scars from accidents than I have on my body. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back.” If we were manning the controls of that time machine, we’d go back even further so we could intervene during her meeting with Spencer. Can you imagine a world without Speidi? It would be like the new version of It’s A Wonderful Life, except that things would be so much better without them together.

[Photo: Life & Style]

by (@hallekiefer)

Gwyneth’s Mom Knows We’ve All “Fooled Around” With Botox. Right, Ladies?

Isn’t it exciting that we live in an age where everyone’s grandma can have the smooth skin of a porcelain doll? And when we say “exciting,” we mean “terrifying.” Gwyneth Paltrow’s mother Blythe Danner is a big fan of Botox, exclaiming, “Well, I think we’ve all fooled around with [Botox]. I think, you know, we’ve got so much at our fingertips now, why not take advantage of it? There are extraordinary things that can help us now.” She’s using the word “help” in the broadest possible sense, right? From a medical standpoint, paralyzing your face with toxins isn’t very helpful at all.

Not that Danner is okay with all plastic surgery; she really only approves of the kind that keeps her skin looking like a baby’s butt. “I mean I can’t stand the big, puffy lips. That stuff is just crazy! And the cheekbones that come out to here! I feel like, ‘Why do they think they have to do that?’” she scoffed. Isn’t that like the weirdly-smooth-skinned pot calling the collagen-injected kettle black? Besides, we paid a lot of money for these lips!

by (@missmuttoo)

The Actress Formerly Known As Lara Flynn Boyle

When we think of Lara Flynn Boyle—seen above at a screening of her 1992 film Where The Day Takes You last week—we think of the hot alien in Men in Black II who worked the hell out of a WonderBra. Or the hot lawyer in The Practice who worked the hell out of a sharp suit. So we never thought we’d ever say….what the hell, Lara Flynn Boyle? What happened to her? She’s like the love child of Melanie Griffith and Lisa Rinna (at the the height of her crazy-lips era). It’s like a face lift, botox and collagen decided to band together and screw the humanity out of her face. If this was the work of a plastic surgeon, then we need a name and number to send out warnings to the unsuspecting population.

Also, Lara, time to schedule a highlights appointment. There’s a bunch of white at your hairline. Though quite frankly, that’s the last of your problems.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Angelina Jolie Would Never Get Plastic Surgery (But It’s Okay For Us Uggos!)

ajoliegetty

Sure, Angelina Jolie might occasionally get called a home wrecker, but if somebody’s going to steal your man, it should at least be the most gorgeous woman on the planet, right? And according to Angelina Jolie, plastic surgery has not nor will it ever be part of her beauty regimen…meaning all that hotness is natural. “I haven’t had anything done and I don’t think I will,” Jolie told an interviewer from the Daily Mail. As reluctant as we are to believe her, pics from Jolie’s modeling days suggest she’s telling the truth. Still, some small part of us was hoping Jolie would reveal she’d looked like Sasquatch before she ponied up for massive plastic surgery. But that’d be too much to ask, wouldn’t it, Universe?

While Angie is content to maintain her beauty by washing her face before bed with unicorn tears and angel kisses, she heartily supports fuglies going under the knife if they want to. “But if it makes somebody happy then that’s up to them. I’m not in somebody else’s skin to know what makes them feel better about themselves. But I don’t plan to do it myself,” Jolie explained. If we were in somebody else’s skin, we would hope it would be Angelina’s. Hey, maybe we can trade skins! A word of caution: this one leaks. A lot. [Photo: Getty]