Plastic Surgery

by (@hallekiefer)

Sarah Jessica Parker vs The Ravages Of Time

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With all the cat-faced ladies and 23-year-old Botox addicts we have in Hollywood, it’s nice to hear that for Sarah Jessica Parker, aging is still preferable to plastic surgery. In her new Elle interview, Parker complains, “I don’t know what I can do about the aging.” Uh…there’s nothing anyone can do, right? Until society gets around to building a time machine. Then everyone is going to look like SJP in Girls Just Want To Have Fun forever.

Complains Parker, “Yes, I am aging. Oh my God, I’m aging all the time. It’s like those flowers that wilt in front of you in time-lapse films. But what can I possibly do? Look like a lunatic?” Oh god, are those our only options? We guess we’re  going to have to go with growing old too, reluctantly. Still, big ups to Sarah Jessica for having the fortitude to stay away from the knife. Besides, when it comes to looking like a lunatic, there’s always Sex and the City 3 (if there is a God!). [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Friend Says Heidi Montag Had Crush On Her Plastic Surgeon: This Explains Everything!

Oh my god. Suddenly it all makes sense. We take it all back. The blow-up doll comments, the beach ball boobs slams and that time we laughed when her face fell off. It turns out, Heidi Montag did it all for love. At least that’s what her doctor’s “close friend” is blabbing to Radar Online. According to the site, Heidi had a hopeless crush on her late plastic surgeon Frank Ryan, who died in a car accident this August. The revelation comes just days after the former Hills star accused Dr. Ryan of misleading her into getting ten surgeries in one day. Maybe all she wanted was one magical day with Dr. Ryan….*swoon*

“I believe she had a crush on him,” Dr. Ryan’s friend Dawn DaLuise said in an interview to Radar. ”I believe she was romantically obsessed with him… she saw him as a night in shining armor.” DaLuise also challenges Heidi’s claim that Dr. Ryan wanted her to be his personal Barbie Doll. According to her, it was the other way around. ”He sent texts and emails to friends saying that she wanted to be a Barbie, she wanted to look exactly like a Barbie. He presented why he didn’t think it was a good idea.”

This raises the age old question: did she love him because of his plastic surgery skills, or did she get plastic surgery because she loved him? Or is this all crap? It’s probably that last one. But let’s pretend it’s not. Suddenly Heidi’s terrifying body transformation seems like a charming romantic comedy come to life! Sort of.

It’s a classic: Heidi was too shy (and too married) to ask him out, so she kept making other excuses to see him. A boob job here, a tummy tuck there. He won’t suspect anything. But after the anesthesia knocked her out, Heidi’s dreams were filled with visions of Dr. Frank. Maybe that whole divorce with Spencer was real after all, and she was going to leave him for Dr. Ryan. Didn’t they reunite right after the doctor’s untimely death?

We have done it. We have cracked The Speidi Code. Or maybe there’s a simpler answer.

[Photo: Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Overshare Alert! Lisa Rinna’s New Lips Make Kissing, “Something Else” Much Easier

It’s sort of sweet to find out that Lisa Rinna’s new post-surgery lips make smooching her husband Harry Hamlin a breeze. But she couldn’t have just stopped there, could she? “Trust me,” Rinna says coyly, “now that I have removed the silicone from my lips, I feel sexier and Harry loves them. It makes kissing and something else much easier.” Ugh, Lisa, come on! That overshare was so wrong, part of our brain just shut down. At the end of the series The Walking Dead, they’ll probably reveal the zombies were just people who read that quote about Lisa sexing her husband. That being said, if Rinna had a medical procedure that makes kissing, among other things, feel like she’s making out with a helium balloon, we’re glad she took the steps to finally get it fixed.

Explains Lisa, “I remove the cover of magazines when girls who have had too much plastic surgery are on them. That’s the last thing my girls need to see. All these young Hollywood actresses need to stop trying to be the next Angelina Jolie and learn to love themselves.” You’re going to have to remove more than just some magazine covers, Lisa. For starters, all of your family pictures from the past 15 years.

Lisa also warns women who might still be considering the silicone lip injections Rinna maintained for years: “I want young women to learn to love themselves. You don’t need to change anything especially your lips.” Lisa is nothing if not the poster child for bad plastic surgery. Maybe she can start a D.A.R.E.-type program that visits acting classes and rehab clinic, sort of a Scared Straight for struggling actresses. First stop: Betty Ford.

by (@missmuttoo)

Ghosts Emerge During Halloween: Spencer And Heidi Are Back To The PDA

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Oh look, a couple of Halloweiners! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back, peeps, in full force. We were hoping and praying that they would go on an extended vacation, back to Costa Rica, or something, but no such luck. Because Speidi emerged, most aptly, on the spookiest night of them all, Halloween.

The pair showed up together in – where else – Las Vegas. Where else could Heidi fame-whore herself out so shamelessly? The washed-up-at-23 reality star dressed up as herself, in all her blow-up doll glory. “I’m Heidi Montag for Halloween. I designed my own dress,” she revealed. Of course, a quote had to be given about the (no) body, as she discussed her relationship with her fake parts, saying, “Um, ups and downs! I’m good. I’m just trying to focus on other things, not focus so much on my body.”

Then Heidi and her husband proceeded to PDA their way down the carpet. Spit it out guys… what ridiculous scheme are you two cooking up now?

*Cue ominous music and evil laughter*

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Lisa Rinna’s Lips Get Downsized

Self-proclaimed plastic surgery “freak” Lisa Rinna has finally taken an effort to restore her face to it’s natural state. It’s shocking because Rinna is famous for three things: her marriage to Harry Hamlin, her stint as a soap opera actress, and her ginormous upper lip, which makes Meg Ryan‘s duck bill look adorable and amateur by comparison. Yet she says she grew tired of being known for her pout. She told People “My lips started to define who I am. That bothered me.” We’ve never been immune to poking fun at Rinna’s lips, but it’s only because she so doesn’t need them – have you seen her body? Girlfriend is hot and those lips were only (literally, heavily) dragging her down.

Rinna decided that after 24 years of plumping (yes, she’s been doing it since the 80s!) to have her lips reduced. After her lip reduction, she says her mouth is no longer “bumpy and uneven… my lip has no lumps! It’s smooth.”

Welcome back to the no lumps club, girl! You can finally whistle again! In memory of her old lips, please enjoy the roundup of her best never-to-be-seen-again pouts.

by (@hallekiefer)

Heidi Montag’s Giant Cartoon Boobs Limit Her Ability to Exercise, Fame-Whore

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Much like her husband and her own lack of self-esteem, now Heidi Montag’s breast implants are ruining her life too. Says Montag about her massive assets, “I feel trapped in my own body.  I’m desperate to go back to normal’” a complaint common among people who have had their bodies replaced by plastic mannequin parts.

After her last surgery, Heidi’s future boob job plans included amping up her figure even further from her current insane G-cup, with the goal being to eventually bolt an H to her A- cup frame. Since then Montag has apparently come to realize the downside to having such side show-esque proportions. Says Heidi, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”

When Heidi says “heartbreaking,” she means her implants might literally break her heart if she uses a bench press wrong.  Says Montag, “I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.” Just a petite DD, thanks. She doesn’t want to look like a crazy person!  We just hope Heidi learned her lesson that bigger doesn’t always mean better; it often means chronic back pain. Oh, and always save the receipt.  [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Hilary Duff And Her Pre-Wedding Plastic Surgery Tweaking

Someone needs to tell Hilary Duff that her genes aren’t going to quit on her at age 22. In Touch says that’s junior Duff’s got the jitters before her wedding. Not about her fiance Mike Comrie, but because of the pressure of looking fab! Apparently this whole “best day of her life’ rhetoric has her so stressed, that she’s supposedly gone and got herself a boob job! And because at 22, her skin doesn’t cut the mustard… she’s getting Botoxed up as well ! Someone also needs to tell her that her smile on D-Day is going to look Nicole Kidman-ish.

A source revealed, “Hilary is obsessed with looking her best on her wedding day. She recently got her boobs done and has been getting Botox and fillers to make her face look as good as possible. She is determined to work out six days a week, and she brings Mike along so they can motivate each other. She’s lost 10 pounds already!”

The latter we’re on board with, even though we type this sitting far far away from a gym. This whole botoxing when barely legal thing… Charice much?

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Charice Is Gleeful For Botox

If anyone thought the epidemic of barely-adults getting plastic surgery ended with Heidi Montag’s monstrous transformation, they thought wrong: even wholesome Glee kids are going under the knife. The Associated Press is reporting that Glee‘s Charice Pempengco went in for Botox injections and a skin tightening procedure to look “fresh on camera” for her television debut. She is 18.YEARS.OLD.

The same girl who recently tweeted, “Meetings : ) wee!!!” underwent a “30-minute Thermage skin-tightening procedure along with Botox” because according to celebrity plastic surgeon Vicki Belo, she allegedly wanted to make her round face more narrow. Contrarily, Charice’s rep is disputing the claims to US Weekly, saying that the Botox wasn’t to change her appearance but to “relieve a jaw problem similar to TMJ.” You’re kidding, right?

Only a celebrity would be able to come up with a “TMJ-like condition” to excuse her obsessive need for her skin to be tightened and expect us to believe it. That’s like saying Heidi got her non-existent back fat scooped out because she was experiencing chronic back pain. We may not be doctors, but we could play ones on TV. Diagnosis: dumb move.