Porn

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Charlie Sheen Tells Porn Stars The Party’s Over

Charlie Sheen is totally serious about rehab, guys. TMZ has an alleged photo of Charlie watching the Super Bowl alone—alone!—in the same home theater he previously critiqued porn in during his last wild party. If the fact that he’s chilling in his own mansion wasn’t proof enough of his commitment to overcoming decades of drug abuse and sex addiction, Sheen’s porn star pals are getting farewell texts from the Two And A Half Men actor, including “Please lose the number, we are closed…please drive through…thank you” and “Right now we are on lockdown.” And by “right now,” he obviously means forever! Right?

While this could be proof of a new leaf, it could also be a sign that he needs to choose his friends (with benefits) more wisely. Hardly missing a beat after revaling Charlie’s “briefcase of cocaine” last week, porn star Kacey Jordan is reportedly in talks to star in a XXX re-enactment of the party that ended with Sheen rushed to the hospital with abdominal pains. Sure, Charlie talked about starting his own porn franchise, Charlie’s Devils, but he can’t have people stealing great ideas like that from under him. Do you think he’ll be able to say goodbye to these ladies for good—or even really wants to?

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Rumors We Love: Charlie Sheen Has Gold Teeth

An integral member of Charlie Sheen‘s porn star posse, Kacey Jordan, can’t seem to stop talking about him. Although some of her spilling leads into TMI territory, like Kacey’s critique of Sheen’s sexual performance, we’re happy to hear some of the others—like that Sheen has mostly gold teeth. You heard this correctly. She told Howard Stern that he wears an “apparatus” out in the public, essentially so that no one would point and laugh. Let us repeat this: Charlie Sheen has gold teeth and wears some sort of weird-ass disguise so no one catches on. We love this town.

But we’d also like more details. Are they gold grills because Sheen in one of his party-hazes, imaged he was a rapper. Did he knock out his teeth and replace them with gold impressions? Was Kacey seeing gold while looking at Charlie’s face? Did someone else knock out his teeth, because he was behaving like a jackass? So many questions! Although the last one makes the most sense. We’d also like to add that, while searching for photographs of Charlie, we noticed that he always has this weird close-lipped smile that shows off no teeth. Is he hiding what we think he’s hiding? You GUYS.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@unclegrambo)

Charlie Sheen Is Still Crazy (For Porn Stars) After All These Years

Well well well, after what can only be described as an out of control week, Carlos Irwin Estevez — aka Charlie Sheen“voluntarily” checked himself into a rehab clinic late Friday evening. The production of Sheen’s hit CBS show, Two And A Half Men, has been shut down for the foreseeable future while Sheen cleans himself up. During that time, Charlie will surely be reflecting back on the series of events that led him to this place, a spot where he finds himself addicted to porn stars and cocaine.

While we here at TheFABLife can’t exactly trace the exact spot where Chuck Sheen got hooked on Bolivian Marching Powder, we can go back through his history and examine the relationships he’s had with women who make their money by dropping trou. So, won’t you join along with us as we walk through seventeen (!) relationships that Sheen has had with Women of the Night over the last twenty-five odd years? Enjoy…

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by (@JordanRuntagh)

Speidi Porn: Not Just For Spiderman Anymore

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Wanna see a Speidi Sex Tape? No? Well that’s good, because you can’t. But the next best (or is it “worst?”) thing may be hitting back-room shelves very soon. Vivid Entertainment has reportedly approached Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag to direct their own line of pornographic videos. Which is good, because their own perfume line would just be too tasteful.

TMZ has obtained a letter sent to the couple from Steven Hirsch, the head of the adult film production company. Do you recognize that name? You should, because that’s the same brain pushing for a Kanye West-Taylor Swift inspired porn parody. Now he wants Spencer and Heidi to “explore [their] wildest fantasies” on film. This guy is on a roll. We’d shake his hand, but we don’t know where it’s been.

“We are offering you the chance to direct, as a couple, a series of explicit, XXX features for Vivid entitled Spencer and Heidi…Beyond Our Wildest Dreams,” he writes in the letter. “The fantasies will be yours…We believe that your ability to keep a relationship exciting and fresh-which you must surely bring to the bedroom…will yield an exciting new line of features as unexpected and as erotic as your fans know you to be.”

Dude, don’t be so fawning. If they’re as broke as they say, they’d probably do it for a couple bags of energy crystals. Besides, Speidi’s idea of keeping a relationship “exciting” seems so much more like “petty attention-grabbing trickery” to us. Sounds like these are going to be like skin flicks directed by N. Night Shyamalan. Whoa, crazy twist: she was a blowup doll all along!

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Kayne West and Taylor Swift Porn Parody In The Works

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Everything is a remake these days…*sigh* It appears that the flogged to death horse that is the Kanye West and Taylor Swift VMA Spat is getting new life in a porn. Naturally. Because the sexual tension just oozed out of the moment, are we right?

Vivid Entertainment founder Steve Hirsch told Celebuzz: “We’re always analyzing news stories for their movie potential. The Kanye/Taylor feud has high visibility, is filled with passion and is something we believe that fans of adult films would enjoy. We’re reviewing script concepts and definitely want to include that famous moment at the VMA awards. We plan to go into production in the next two months.”

Now we’ve looked at this from every possible angle, and we fail to see how interrupting an awards show acceptance speech could possibly lead to a sexual encounter of any kind. Unless it’s with the Beyonce character, who is wooed by faux-Kanye’s boldness. (Are we right? Write this down, Vivid people!) According to Hirsche, they’re still working on that part. Yo Hirsche, we’re gonna let you finish, but that Sarah Palin porn parody was the best porn parody of all time! (Note to any readers who happen to be our boss: we’re never seen said porn, and would certainly never admit to such things in print.)

Leave your best Kayne and Taylor porn name ideas in the comments box!

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Tila Tequila Being Blackmailed About A Sex Tape, Which May Not Be A Big Deal

The fact that Tila Tequila has a sex tape doesn’t surprise us at all. The fact that she’s pissed about it, does surprise us. Apparently, an ex-boyfriend has surfaced with an X-rated home video of theirs and wants $75,000 for it or else he’ll make sure it’ll go viral. Tila’s obvs got her panties (wait, does she wear any?) in a twist about the situation saying, “He has the audacity to not only betray me with the love that I had for him, but to use that to exploit me and hurt me.”

The ex has already gone to town with the tape and figured out how much it’s worth. He’s issued her an ultimatum, with the leverage being that porn distributors are ready to put their dime behind the video. She’s hitting back legally retorting, “This is extortion and my lawyers are fully aware and are fighting back by filing an injunction against him. I will make sure he goes to jail for this. So ex-lover, you better hold onto that sex tape because that’s the only sex you’ll get to watch once you’re sent to jail!”

Fighting words indeed but forgive us for being a bit skeptical here. If it was any other person, we’d well and truly sympathize. We’re kinda feeling for Tila here, but the fact that her moral compass doesn’t exactly point north makes us question everything she says and does. Tila’s already got a sex tape out. She took her top off at the Gathering of the Juggalos fiasco.  She’s almost topless (Photos) on red carpets. It seems like this was just the next step in her devolution. We’re betting she’s going to make a deal out of this because c’mon… Tila, naked? Having sex? She’s been there and done that and has always wanted people to watch. Be careful about what you wish for, Tila.


by (@hallekiefer)

Bad News, Pervs: Octomom Will Not Be Appearing In Porn For $500,000

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Sorry, perverts of the world: your deepest, unspeakable wish to see Octomom in flagrante delicto is not going to happen…at least not until she fails to get on Dancing With The Stars again next year. Reportedly Octomom Nadya Suleman turned down the $500,000 porn deal Vivid Entertainment offered her to appear in a film doing what men and women do when they love each other and/or a half million dollars very much. While Octomom acknowledges she needs quick capital due to the impending foreclosure on her house, she assures. “I’ll do whatever I can … as long as I’m fully clothed.” Ugh, and we though we had our Christmas shopping practically done for us!

The irony of all this is, Suleman has already spent the last few years and all the quarters she had in the kids’ college fund to turn herself (at least from the neck up) into a porn star. The bank is going to take away Octomom’s house, but somehow she still has the money to buy a new face that looks like Janice from the Muppet Show Band, except trashier. If Octo has money to transform her mug into a half-price Angelina knock-off, she’s probably dropped the change necessary to iron out the wrinkles left by her giant watermelon pregnancy as well. Those octuplets might be sucking dry Ramen out of their bottles, but we bet you can bounce a quarter off Suleman’s lower abdomen and have it ricochet back in your pocket. And that, we would pay good money to see.

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi And Spencer: The Sex Tape Edition

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Spencer Pratt has been the target of a fair amount of vitriol over Twitter recently. Well, more than the usual amount that comes his way. His soon-to-be ex wife, Heidi Montag tweeted an eloquent, “F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” to him, thanks to the sex tape he’s apparently trying to sell of her and Karissa Shannon.  They playmate was far more upfront about her feelings for Mr. Pratt, tweeting, “F**K YOU!!!!”

Spencer isn’t bothered one bit, tweeting Heidi right back with “Seriously? You’re going to start sh*t on twitter?” Uh, first: pot, meet kettle. Second:  Spencer is threatening to release a Speidi sex-tape. So, yes, the proverbial sh*t’s going to hit the roof.

As Spencer boasted on Twitter, he, “Promises you the Citizen Kane of sex tapes. Honestly, Orson Wells makes a guest appearance.” This monumental tape apparently has Heidi before and after plastic surgery, writhing away for your viewing pleasure (ewww).

Now, you’re probably asking yourself why Karissa is getting her panties in a twist? It’s because her panties are also involved. Spencer claims he’s found another sex tape featuring Heidi and Karissa getting down. Miss Montag…you DO get around. The playmate can breathe for a few and call off her lawyers because Vivid is rumored to be more interested in the  Speidi sex tapes, not so much the girl-on-girl. On another note: that’s quite a diss!

There’s a reason behind Spencer’s evil machinations, apart from him being, well, evil. The first is that Spencer has porn-star ambitions; “I am a wild sexual freak and I love sex”, he says. (We can’t believe we just typed out those words.) The second is that he seems to be using the tape(s) as leverage to convince Heidi to do another reality show with him.

The operative word here is blackmail. BUT. This is Heidi and Spencer, people. We reckon there’s more to this than meets the eye.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Laurence Fishburne Wishes Daughter Montana Used A Fake Porn Name

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Hasn’t everyone played the game of coming up with their porn-star name? The name of your childhood pet and the street you grew up on (or, another variation would be your favorite stuffed animal and the street you grew up on.) We would be Midge Loring, after our dear departed pet bunny. We can think of one person whose life would be so much easier right about now, if only she had used a fake name. Porn star Montana Fishburne has created quite the rift with her father Laurence now that she has released a porn flick through Vivid Entertainment.

Her relationship with him, she says, is strained (ya think?). He reportedly told her “I’m not going to speak with you ’till you turn your life around.” The kicker though was when he told her “You used your last name. No one uses their real name in porn.” To that, we have to tip our hat to the elder Fishburne for summing up this entire situation so tersely and honestly. Montana has been marketing the sex tape as “An A-List Daughter Making Her XXX Debut” but we’re pretty sure that she’d sell just as many tapes going by Fluffy Runyon Canyon or whatever pet/road combination you get growing up in L.A.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@missmuttoo)

No Free Ride To Cannes For Lindsay Lohan

So, Lindsay Lohan’s playing a porn star in a movie. We’d reported that she’s going to portray the legendary adult-film actress Linda Lovelace in a film called Inferno. Unfortunately, the movie’s not getting her as much mileage as she was hoping for. If Lilo wants to make it to Cannes this year, she’s going to have to pay for it out of her own pocket. She’s apparently trying desperately to wrangle some moolah and swing a freebie to get there but no one seems to be coughing up the cash. ”She’s been asking around, but hasn’t had any takers,” snarks a source.

Oh, and here’s the juice about the movie she’s about to star in, straight from the director Matthew Wilder himself, “It’s not something I can imagine that anybody would ever be turned on by, unless they’re really sick.” Sounds…interesting.

[Photo: .com]