Rants

by (@hallekiefer)

Brandi Glanville Wanted To “Kill” LeAnn Rimes: Ladies, This Has To Stop

Hoo boy. The public venom between singer Leann Rimes and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Brandi Glanville has been a-bubblin’ and a-boiling’ for over three years now, ever since Leann stole … uh, borrowed Brandi’s husband Eddie Cibrian without asking back in 2009. While their fighting faded into background noise a long time ago, the whole saga has taken an unexpectedly dark turn this week. “I remember walking up … and there she was with my baby in her lap,” Glanville told Australian magazine NW HQ about seeing Rimes with her ex and Brandi’s children for the first time. “My blood was boiling, and I thought I was going to kill her. I really thought I was going to physically hurt her.” Hmmm, that seems like something to tell your friends or your therapist, Brandi, not an entire continent.

Meanwhile, LeAnn allegedly considered getting a restraining order against Brandi for similar sentiments. “Brandi has told LeAnn to her face multiple times that she would kill her if she could,” a source claimed to Celebuzz. “LeAnn is scared of Brandi and believes she is unstable. LeAnn’s own mother is concerned for her daughter’s safety too and regularly calls her to tell her so.” To which we say, knock if off, you guys! “You guys” meaning anyone who continues to pay attention to this drama! Three years of public insanity is too much. Note: Do we understand that we’re basically undermining our own argument by even addressing their squabbling? Yes, but today’s developments seemed so insane we had to say something. There has to be something better for these two to do. Isn’t “How Do I?” due for a remake, LeAnn? Isn’t Sydney just dying for its own RH franchise, Brandi?

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

What The Eff Is Up With James Franco’s Spring Breakers Gun Photo In Interview Magazine?

Look, we’ve been enjoying the non-stop parade of bikinis and peroxide and hijinks and corn-rowed James Franco from the set of Harmony Korine‘s upcoming movie Spring Breakers as much as anyone else. So why do we have to ruin the good times by seeing this photo of Franco pointing two guns at costars Ashley Benson’s and Vanessa Hudgens‘ heads in the latest issue of Interview magazine? Why? On a related note, what exactly is the message of this photo, taken by photographer Jonathan Durbin, when paired with all the florescent two-pieces and hysterical giggling in the other photos? “Woooo! Spring break! Massive head wounds are the shiznit! Jägerbombs! Tickets on sale now!” Thanks but no thanks, guys! We have to go stare at our hands and think about the nature of humanity when we could be logging onto Fandango.

Listen, we love boobs and butts and dude’s bare chests as much as the next blog. You know we do. Maybe more than anything, really. Plus, we know controversial and/or awful photos like this are usually taken for the express purpose of getting people all riled up, thus generating more buzz around a particular film. However! When it comes to gun violence, we are total prudes. Super prudes about guns being aimed at people’s heads, that’s us. Vanessa and Ashley, this is bad enough on your end, but Franco? We could not be more disappointed in you. Isn’t that shirt offensive enough?

[Photo: Interview Magazine]

by (@hallekiefer)

Is Anne Hathaway That Skinny? Ashley Judd, Please Weigh In

Guys, can we talk about Anne Hathaway‘s weight for a second? Everyone else on the planet seems to be. Yesterday Us Magazine declared, “Anne Hathaway Debuts Drastically Skinny Look on Les Miserables Set” along with a snapshot of Anne in costume with cropped hair. RadarOnline proclaimed today that “Anne Hathaway’s Dramatic Weight Loss ‘Could Strike A Hard Blow To Her Metabolism’ Warns Expert,” even quoting a nutritional expert as being “distressed to see her looking so thin, drawn, pale and haggard.” Despite the fact that the actress’s rep has already denied allegations that she is on some kind of crazy crash diet for the movie, it seems that everyone and their mother is deeply, personally worried about Anne Hathaway’s eating habits. Upon realizing that, the righteous spirit of Ashley Judd filled us and we felt it extremely necessary to point out that, guys? Anne Hathaway doesn’t look that much different than she normally does.

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by (@katespencer)

Rob Pattinson Is Apparently Not Allowed To Have Female Friends

[This is a personal rant delivered from high atop my soapbox.*]

I was pretty psyched to hear that Rob Pattinson was at La Poubelle on Saturday, because I hang out there sometimes too, and it always feels good to have your nightlife choices validated by celebrities who are much richer and more attractive than you. La Poubelle is right next to the UCB Theatre where I’m a performer, and sometimes my friends and I go there to get drinks and dinner after our shows. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was there with a bunch of my guy friends. We had to stand close together because the bar was packed, so sometimes our bodies touched. When I wanted to tell my friend Joe something, like about how delicious the sliders were, I had to lean in and put my face right next to his ear because it gets loud in there. I may have also touched his shoulder while doing this. Later that night, I drove a bunch of my friends home because we all live near each other, we like designated drivers and it makes us feel good to act like we’re helping the environment. Then I went and hung out with my husband, who I’ve been with since 2003.

But somehow, when poor Rob does the same exact thing, some fans, celebrity sites and tabloids take a meaningless, fun night out and turn it into the cheating scandal of the century. I’m all for enjoying the world of celebrity, but speculating about things so far as you are essentially writing fiction about another person’s life is not cool. At all. Neither is exaggerating the circumstances to the point where a friend is suddenly “his mystery woman!” or insinuating that Rob is cheating just to grab some page views.

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by (@JordanRuntagh)

Return Of The Kanye Rant: “People Look At Me Like I’m Hitler”

After a spell of acting like a subdued elder statesman of the rap game, the Kanye West we know and love returned with another bizarre (and bigheaded) outburst that may cause you to face-palm yourself in confusion. Being anything but chill while performing at the Big Chill music festival in England, he ranted:

“I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I’m f–king insane, like I’m Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did.”

The crowd booed (he also began his set a half hour late), but Air Yeezy went on to say he wished to be remembered as the Air Jordan of the music world, not Hitler.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Tracy Morgan Supports Gay Marriage, Admits He Says “Really Stupid S–t”

Tracy Morgan’s homophobic rant marked a low point in the 30 Rock star‘s public career, but he wants everyone to know that he’s committed to making amends, provided it does not require him to put his shirt back on. Tracy Morgan apologized last Friday following the tirade, but sat down with Russell Simmons yesterday to clarify how sorry he really is. “I guess the reason I am successful is because I am so unfiltered. And sometimes as a result I say really stupid s–t,” Morgan told Simmons during his GlobalGrind interview. “The truth is if I had a gay son, I would love him just as much as if he was straight … I might have to try to love even more because I know of the difficulty that he would have in society.”

Russell didn’t ask, nor did Tracy try to explain, exactly what he was going for with the bit, but says that in the future he has to “think of some funny s–t, not some s–t that gets me knocked upside my head.” Tracy Morgan and GLAAD will partner and return to Tennessee next week for a press conference protesting the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, which would make it illegal for teachers to discuss homosexuality prior  “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. I never want to use my comedy to hurt anyone. My family knew what it was like to feel different. My brother was disabled and I lost my father to AIDS in 1987,” the comedian told E! Online. “My dad wasn’t gay, but I also learned about homophobia then because of how people treated people who were sick with that. Parents should support and love their kids no matter what. Gay people deserve the same right to be happy in this country as everyone else. Our laws should support that.” As Morgan told Simmons, “I am deeply sorry for the comments I made. What I am most sad about is the comments I made about kids and bullying. I believe everyone deserves the right to be happy and marry who they want too; gay, white, black, male or female. Let me know where the rally’s at Russ.” You’ll recognize him when you get there. He’ll be the half-naked one wielding the light saber.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Betty White Puts Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen On Blast For Being “Ungrateful”

Like your actual grandma would do if she had any idea who either of them were, Betty White blasted Linday Lohan and Charlie Sheen to the press. “I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen for example,” White complained to the Daily Mail. “They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional, and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful.” Why, in Betty’s day you had date twelve porn stars and walk uphill both ways to steal an entire jewelry store before you’d even make the local paper. From there, though, it was straight to Hollywood!

Next time they go to court (and believe us, there will be a next time they go to court), Lohan and Sheen should be legally obligated to run all of their thoughts, like Lohan’s Gotti movie or Sheen’s Mila Kunis craving , through her first. “I always thought you were the smart one,” Betty will sigh to them, and they’ll feel so horribly guilty, they’d have to immediately go back to college and stop mouthing off to their dad. “We considered ourselves lucky … and were always on our best behavior in public,” White said of stars in her day. As these Betty White nude photos can attest, the key phrase being “in public.”

[Photos: /Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Courtney Love Claims She Saved Kelly Osbourne’s Life Twice In Video Rant

For those of you missing your daily dose of bizarre ever since Courtney Love quit Twitter, we present to you the next generation in online irrationality: Courtney Love’s VYou account. The Hole singer has already posted a video where Love attacks Kelly Osbourne…whom she claims she saved from the brink of death on more than one occasion. “Kelly Osbourne and Joan Rivers called me a crackhead on the E! channel. Kelly knows I’m sober,” Courtney explains. “Kelly knows there’s no drugs allowed at my house. I think it’s really lame.” It’s not just the mean joke that irks Courtney, however: “This girl I know, Kelly Osbourne, I’ve saved her life twice. I’ve done CPR, I’ve put things in her boobs. [She was on] Oxycontin, cocaine, foaming at the mouth.” If it wasn’t for this video, we wouldn’t even know you had to put things in people’s boobs after they OD’ed. God bless you, social media platforms!

Given Osbourne’s rehab visits, we do agree that claiming someone looks an addict is like the pot calling the kettle super-high.  After declaring herself sober since October 2005, Love goes on to detail the massive amounts of drugs she takes, prescription and otherwise: Abilify, cocaine, a nice rosé.  Courtney also mentions that Sharon Osbourne might think Love gave Jack Osbourne Oxycotin as a child. Can’t imagine why. Look Courtney, we’re sure Kelly didn’t mean to say you were a crackhead. She probably just meant you act like a crackhead. You know, ranting angrily in public, saying you don’t do drugs them listing all the drugs you do. That kind of thing. You’ll remember what it’s like when you make more videos. It’s like riding a bike…made out of craziness!

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by (@hallekiefer)

Sheen Calls Chuck Lorre A Turd, Insults Brooke Mueller In Radio Rant

Charlie Sheen sure had a great day today. If you have ten minutes you don’t mind never getting back, we implore you to listen to the full audio of Sheen’s radio rant on The Alex Jones Show to find out how spectacularly Sheen is doing compared to everyone else on the planet. For example, Sheen has a host of venomous (i.e. incomprehensible) insults for producer Chuck Lorre, who ripped on Sheen in the Two And A Half Men vanity cards. Charlie claims he “embarrassed him in front of his children and the world” by bouncing back so quickly, before calling him a “charlatan” and one of many “turds” who have a personal vendetta against Sheen. The actor also rips on Alcoholics Anonymous, calling it a “bootleg cult” based on “a silly book of lies” while scoffing “I have a disease? Bulls–t! I cured it with my mind!” We guess when you’re doing as well as Charlie, “cured” has the same meaning as “am not doing any drugs this exact second.”

Despite what we may have heard previously, Charlie’s ex Brooke Mueller is not on vacation with Sheen and his other goddesses. “Where there were 4 there are now 3. Goodbye Brooke. Good luck in your travels, you’re going to need it. Badly,” Sheen snarls, before dismissing the host’s compliments by saying “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p—y.” Don’t worry, Brooke. If the Founding Fathers can’t measure up to Charlie’s demanding standards, well, then there’s no way any of us mere mortals can either.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Rupert Everett Blasts Jennifer Aniston’s “Tasteless Rom-Coms”

Somebody’s snarking on Jennifer Aniston, and surprisingly its not about her empty womb or lack of a man-friend. In an interview with BBC4, actor Rupert Everett criticized Jennifer Aniston’s “tasteless rom-coms.” Everett wasn’t really concerned that The Bounty Hunter was so terrible it sent 75% of its viewing audience into a coma; instead he wondered how Jen can keep making putrid movies like The Switch and still get cast in major motion pictures. “Okay, something will go wrong. Like Jennifer Aniston will just have one too many total flops. But she’s still a member of that club. And she will still manage to — like a star forming in the universe — a whole lot of things swirling around and suddenly solidifying into yet another vital tasteless romcom: a little glitter next to the Crab Nebula,” Everett complained. We love Jen, but we agree: girlfriend must have made a deal with the Devil to be starring in anything more dramatically challenging than Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch.

Rupert is nothing if not out-spoken, and he is more than willing to also call out Hollywood for what he as a gay actor sees as a hetero bias. “Show business is ideally suited for heterosexuals… It’s a very heterosexual business. It’s run mostly by heterosexual men… and I think the position of women in show business is quite difficult.” Particularly if you’re Jennifer Aniston, we guess. Though with all the jokes about her Cathy-like dating history, maybe an insult aimed at her acting ability will seem like a nice change of pace!