Rants

by (@hallekiefer)

Kelly Osbourne Rushes To Miley’s Defense Armed With Cupcakes

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Is there any problem in the world that cupcakes can’t fix? Kelly Osbourne sure doesn’t think so. While in New Orleans shooting So Undercover with Miley Cyrus, Kelly Osbourne went off on any and all haters who have been giving her bong-loving pal Miley a hard time. “Just read in the rags that apparently my mum thinks Miley is a bad influence on me it could not be father from the truth!” Kelly tweeted. “This really makes me mad. Miley is one of the most hard working respectful women I have ever worked with I am learning a lot from her!” Considering Kelly has been to rehab three times, including once in 2009, we certainly hope that Miley isn’t enabling anything worse than the occasional 3:00am sugar binge.

In reality, Kelly says it’s Cyrus who’s been encouraging clean living for the both of them. “Actually it’s the other way around Miley has us all on a health kick. Gym/early nights There really scraping the barrel on that one!” After her rant Osbourne posted pictures of the girls chowing down, joking “This is how im a bad I influence on Miley I force her to eat cupcakes so I don’t feel so bad about eating one!” That picture is adorbs.org! Unless…did Miley bring those? Kelly, you better back away from the baked goods! You’re in Cyrus country now! [Photo: Kelly Osbourne's Twitter]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jessica Alba Says Fantastic Four Movie Almost Made Her Quit Acting. We Were So Close!

Maybe it’s just us, but we love new cranky Jessica Alba. First she complains about her gorgeous body, then she scoffs that “good actors never use the script,” despite having appeared in The Love Guru, which many consider to be a modern-day Casablanca, if Casablanca had been terrible. Now we find out that the world almost lost our angry gem as it’s revealed in her upcoming Elle interview that making Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer almost made Jessica Alba quit acting. Which is fitting, since that’s the film that almost made us give up on going to the movies. Or having eyeballs.

Apparently Jessica’s  fury was unleashed when Silver Surfer director Tim Story tried to keep her from, you know, actually acting. “[The director told me] ‘It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica.’ He was like, ‘Don’t do that thing with your face. Just make it flat. We can CGI the tears in.” That is…deeply messed up. Here we were, thinking movie makers had to draw emotions on Jessica Alba’s face because she was a bad actress. Now she might be terrible, and we have no way of knowing it!

After that incident Alba started to doubt her whole life trajectory. “I’m like, ‘But there’s no connection to a human being.’ And then it all got me thinking: Am I not good enough? Are my instincts and my emotions not good enough? Do people hate them so much that they don’t want me to be a person? Am I not allowed to be a person in my work? And so I just said, ‘F**k it. I don’t care about this business anymore.” Thank god Jessica decided to forge ahead, despite everything. What would we have done without such gems as Good Luck Chuck, Valentine’s Day and Little Fockers? We just hope there’s no backlash against Alba for speaking out like this, or else she’ll have tears streaming down her face for sure. And it won’t take no $32 million budget and a supercomputer to put them there.

by (@hallekiefer)

Christian Bale Is “Bored S**tless” With Some “Tool.” Turns Out, He Means Himself.

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Oh how we love a good Christian Bale rant! While we’re all pretty used to Bale yelling at everyone around him, it’s a refreshing change of pace when the person he’s tearing apart…is himself. When describing his acting career in December’s issue of Esquire, Bale admits, “Well, it’s also just I’m bored s***less with myself.” Considering he’s starred in some of the biggest blockbusters in the past couple years, he’s probably one of the only people who would say that. Then again, if he wants to mix it up and star in Brokeback Mountain 2, we ain’t complaining.

Explains Christian, “Well, it’s embarrassing to be a star. Most people look at you like, ‘That’s not a f***ing job, is it?’ And then on top of that, you learn very quickly that you’re just a tool — other people are manipulating everything you do, you’re at the mercy of editors, and there’s nothing you can do. But I learned that there’s a certain character that can be built from embarrassing yourself endlessly. If you can sit happy with embarrassment, there’s not much else that can really get to ya.” Hey, we’re tools who embarrass ourselves constantly too! The main difference is, we’re not getting paid millions upon millions of dollars to do it.

But it’s not all bad news; apparently Christian at least loves the inevitable backlash fame brings. Says Bale, “I do love people ripping the s**t out of me. I don’t know what that’s about, but I love it. The more crap you give me, the happier I get.” Oh, okay, great! Hmm, let’s see: your facial hair is silly, the voice you use for Batman is some middle-school-drama-club business, and we have yet to find you as hot as we did when you starred as Laurie in Little Women. Phew! That felt amazing. We hope you liked it to, Laur….we mean, Christian. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@katespencer)

Glee‘s Lea Michele Sucks…Literally

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Look. Glee is the worst. There is nothing you can do to convince me otherwise: no amounts of mash-ups or Jimmy Fallon parodies or Jane Lynch doing some dumb Madonna send-up or “seriously you have to listen to the cast of Glee sing [insert some cheeseball 80's song here], it just completely made my terrible day amazing!” It’s a f*cking dumb show built around stereotypes, terrible plot lines and America’s addiction to shrill voices singing summer jams. “Don’t Stop Believing” sounds good when anyone sings it, idiots.

Yes, I know my opinion is unpopular. I get that to you Gleeks – or whatever the hell you call yourselves to ensure you will never get laid -  it’s like saying, “babies and puppies are ugly!” But I tried to watch the show. I sat through 4-5 episodes of that stupid mousy red-haired girl being afraid of germs while Lea Michele‘s character stomped and sang around school before I decided, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

And looky-here! Turns out my judgment – about Lea Michele, at least – may just have been right. The wee diva attended the Time 100 gala on Tuesday and made out with her boyfriend the entire time (click for a pic of Lea Michele sucking face). Then, according to Daily Intel, she dropped some major tude when iconic society photog Patrick McMullan asked her name. Their interaction went as follows, according to a spy:

Patrick McMullan: What’s your name?
Lea Michele: [Rolls eyes.] Sarah Palin.
Patrick McMullan: [Laughs.] No, really, tell me your name.
Lea Michele: Taylor Swift.
Patrick McMullan: F*ck you.

Don’t stop believing, Gleeks.

[The opinions expressed in this post do not reflect that of The FABlife or its staff, most of whom love Glee more than life itself and think that Kate, the sole author of this post, is a horrible person who believes babies and puppies are ugly.]

[Photo: GettyImages]