Ronnie Ortiz-Magro

by (@hallekiefer)

Jersey Shore‘s Sammi And Ronnie Are Donezo. No, Really.

Jersey Shore‘s Italy vacation comes to an end this Thursday, and so too does a love that dare not scream its name, even when it’s throwing its girlfriend’s mattress out onto the roof. Yes, that’s right: Us Weekly reports that Jersey Shore‘s Sammi and Ronnie have broken up. Okay, okay, we know, but it’s coming from the horse’s mouth while he’s in an uninebriated state this time, and something tells us it’s legit. “We are not together,” Ronnie confirmed Tuesday at a screening of Paranormal Activity 3 in NYC. And if he’s not bringing his lady to Paranomal Activity 3, you know it must be real. That’s like dating 101!

It’s been two years and four seasons for the tumultuous couple, who somehow managed to survive Ronnie’s complete meltdown at the end of season three, and well, the more minor meltdowns at the beginning of season four. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Why should I believe this when these two have broke up literally dozens of times before, only to get back together in some tear-soaked reunion?,” the answer is…well, you shouldn’t. They’ll probably get back together before you finished reading this sentence. Right…now!

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Presented Without Commentary: Vinnie & Pauly D Rendered In Florence

Vinnie & Pauly D sit for a caricature artist on the streets of Florence, Italy. Rumors of a brutal fight between The Situation & Ronnie popped up from the Jersey Shore set yesterday, though MTV has only confirmed that the Sitch needed medical attention after an “accidental injury in the house.”

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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by (@hallekiefer)

Jersey Shore Shore Cast To Make Six Figures…An Episode

Take a moment to make a soft nest out of your student loan late notices, because you are going to hit the floor like a ton of financial insolvent bricks when you read about the new Jersey Shore cast salaries. For their fourth round of GTL, the gang will be pulling in “at least” $100,000 per episode each, even newbie Deena Nicole Cortese. EVEN DEENA. Take 100 grand, multiple it by the 13 episodes or so in a season, and you come up with a cool milli. Oh, sorry, we should have waited until everyone was done with their taxes before posting this. You aren’t going to be able to finish filing with TurboTax with your fist jammed through the middle of the computer screen like that.

Snooki, J-Woww, The Situation and Pauly D allegedly held out until MTV agreed to pay the big bucks, undoubtedly because they are the only cast members who the audience actually cares about. As a result, the amount everyone will earn per episode in Season 4 is ten times what they earned the first season. Of course, their salary doesn’t include the other hundreds of thousands they make per year through book deals, Jersey Shore spin-offs and Wrestlemania gigs. Before you rip your Masters in Social Work certificate in half, just remember: at the end of the day, they still have to be the cast of Jersey Shore. The fact that you don’t is worth more than your weight in gold (which is ironically exactly how much Snooki will be making).

by (@missmuttoo)

The Jersey Shore Crew May Not Be Heading To Italy

We reported yesterday of rumors that the cast of the Jersey Shore was heading to Italy to shoot the next season of the show. Here is how the flow of events have been unfolding since. Exciting news for Snooki and the gang. Not so exciting news for Italy. Hopeful news for Italy: they might not get permission to travel due to Ronnie‘s “criminal record”. Which means Italy’s going to make Ronnie a national hero.

Ronnie is currently up crap creek because of having, “purposely or knowingly cause significant bodily injury to a man by striking him in the face with a close fist, causing him to lose consciousness.” The “him” was an unsuspecting dude who got beaten up by Ron while filming an episode. Ronnie’s currently facing charges of one count of third-degree assault by a New Jersey jury, and could get up to five years in the slammer. It’s still in court and unfortunately, you can’t travel if you’re in trouble in the law. A rep for the Italian Embassy in Washington D.C explains, “Persons who are currently in the criminal process can not be issued a Visa. Any person applying for a Visa to Italy must have their case fully adjudicated.” What goes around, comes around, because knowing the JS crew, they’ll beat the living daylight out of Ronnie for making them miss out on a whole new country-full of “smushing” opportunities.


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Sammi And Ronnie, Our Generation’s Hepburn And Tracy, Break Up

Theirs was a love played out for an audience over three seasons, but alas, it is no more. Jersey Shore‘s Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro have broken up. How do we know? Why, it’s all on Facebook, clear as day.

Seems Sammi has unfriended Ronnie’s friends or, as Entertainment Tonight hilariously calls them, “Ronnie’s associates“  on Facebook, which is clearly a bad sign. The couple has been off-and-on but this seems to be the last straw. While the cheating and three-way kissing may have had an affect on their longevity, we tend to think that maybe they were just too violent for each other, what with Sammi beating up a lady in Miami and Ronnie getting  charged with assault that time during season one.  We’re sure we’ll see the destructive duo dissolve on-air now that the new season is here!

by (@hallekiefer)

Jersey Shore‘s Ronnie Charged With Assault

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It was only a matter of time before one of the Jersey Shore cast members got charged with a serious crime; our money was on JWOWW, but honestly it was a coin-toss. A New Jersey grand jury has charged Ronnie Ortiz-Mago with one count of third-degree assault, which, if he’s convicted, could mean up to five years in prison. The indictment claims that Ronnie “purposely or knowingly caused significant bodily injury to Stephen Izzo by striking in the face with a closed fist, causing him to lose consciousness” on Sept. 4, 2009. Considering how often everyone on Jersey Shore loses consciousness, we would have thought this wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Then again, we’re jerks like that.

Unlike most celebrities’ crimes (but like every dumb thing the cast of Jersey Shore has ever done), you may have already seen the alleged assault with your own eyes on TV.  Jersey Shore’s season one, episode eight “One Shot” showed the brawl between Ronnie and Izzo that lead to the charges. We’re no experts, but we assuming the fact it all happened on camera is known around the legal field as “not great news.” [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Jersey Shore‘s Ronnie Lost His V-Card On The Hood Of An Elderly Woman’s Car

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They say you never forget your first smush, and that’s certainly true for Jersey Shore’s Ronnie Ortiz-Magro. The TV star appeared on MTV’s When I Was 17 to talk about his first time, which apparently happened al fresco on the hood of a car. His friend’s grandma’s Toyota Camry, to be exact. No, it wasn’t with his friend’s grandma. But still, pretty awkward. Let’s hope he at least paid for a trip to the car-wash after.

“It just happened randomly, he said. “I was with my friend hanging out on the corner and some girl walks up to him and is like, ‘Your friend is hot, I want to hook up.’” This is by far the most interesting part of the story to the other 99 percent of us whose first time required significantly more effort. “When you’re young, the place to have sex is in the car,” he continued. But sadly poor Ronnie didn’t have wheels of his own. Enter the Grammy-Mobile. “I went to find a quiet spot down the block, and [I thought] ‘I’ll do it on the hood of the car right now. My friends were watching from the car behind me!” And thus began his enthusiasm for broadcasting sex acts to the masses.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Jersey Shore’s Ronnie Pulls A Snooki And Gets Arrested

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Oh, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro. What would the Jersey Shore be like without you doin’ you? He ain’t no Situation, and he definitely ain’t no Snooki or J-Woww, even if his musculature is as impressive as Miss Jenni’s. But he did give the world his legacy: that supreme party elixir, Ron-Ron juice.

Now, too many hits of Ron-ron juice can be dangerous, maybe even for it’s bare-chested creator. Perhaps it’s so potent that it causes temporary amnesia, or even trippy delusional phases. ‘Cause why else would beefcake Ronnie forget the very existence of all those parking tickets he didn’t pay for? Maybe he thought they were bits of confetti? Or that the Jersey Shore is a Hail Mary-pass because the fist pump trumps pesky fines?

Well, here’s a nice bite on the ass from reality for the reality star. Ronnie was arrested for his unpaid tickets and was hauled to the precinct by two officers who didn’t probably didn’t care much for any attempts of “Do you know who I am?” Ronnie was a free (but probably very embarrassed) bird a while later “after satisfying the conditions of the warrants.” Thank God, because the Ron-Ron juice MUST not be compromised. *Fist pump*

[Photo: Splash News Online]