Lifetime aired its highly-anticipated movie The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story last night, and one thing is pretty clear by the credits: It was a hard knock four years for Screech (Dustin Diamond). Narrated by Bayside High School’s resident geek — and loosely based off Diamond’s 2009 tell-all Behind the Bell — Unauthorized puts Screech in one corner and his pretty-preppy co-stars (Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez, Lark Voorhies, Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani Thiessen) in the other. For two hours, we watch Diamond yearning to be hotter, edgier, drunker (yup) — and the whole thing is really, really depressing.
Saved By The Bell
Mark-Paul Gosselaar spills on his Saved By the Bell castmates, James Franco stands his ground against the media, Blake Lively reacts to Martha Stewart‘s diss (like a lady), and more pop culture news to fill your morning.
Remember when Jimmy Fallon (unsuccessfully) tried to get the cast of Saved By The Bell to reunite on his (then-fledgling) late night talk show? Yeah, well, yesterday’s surprise mini-reunion between Tiffani “Kelly Kapowski” Thiessen and Dennis “Mr. Belding” Haskins on NBC’s Today Show is a good indication why the SBTB thing never went down.
We so rarely get to be right about anything, ya’ll. We just want to savor it for a few moments longer. Ahhhhhhhhh! Can you smell that? That’s the sweet, sweet scent of vindication! It’s also the smell of some tragically incompetent make-up artist’s resume going up in flames after Saved By The Bell star Lark Voorhies popped up wearing what can only be described as a gruesome face of clown make-up last week. Fans of the ’90s TV classic flipped out after spotting a Yahoo interview video featuring a woman who bore a strong resemblance to a Peanuts-style drawing of Lisa Turtle, but we quickly rushed to her defense. We might not know Lark’s life, but we do know a blush and concealer disaster when we see it. We went to middle school, after all.
After setting everyone straight about what specific catastrophe was taking place on Voorhies’ face, we were happy to leave it at that. After AllHipHop posted a recent photo tweeted by the actress’s make-up artist from the set of her upcoming film Jessica’s Journey, however, we wanted to let you know with absolute certainty that we were right. For your benefit, of course! It turns out Lark actually looks like…
We’re so excited! We’re so excited! We’re so…utterly confused! Buzzfeed brought our attention to actress Lark Voorhies‘ appearance in a recent Yahoo interview and we are simply horrified by what poorly-applied makeup can do to a woman. The bright circles under the eyes! The eyebrows drawn on with a washable marker! The blush. Oh god, the blush! If we had seen Lark about to go on camera with this face full of clown make-up, we would have made sure she was “saved by the bell.” The bell on the fire alarm! Which we would have pulled to cause a distraction in order to get her out of there!
Now, are we claiming Lark hasn’t allegedly had some, um, adjustments in the face area? No…no, we’re not saying that. Nor are we ignoring the fact that *cough* Larkprobablyappliedthatmakeupherself. We’re just saying a professional makeup person should have been called in to deal with this situation. Period. Want to know what Lark looks like when she doesn’t resemble a toddler’s drawing of Lisa Turtle? Check her out in a photo from 2010 after the jump. See what we mean? It’s mostly that blush!
Sorry 90s TV fans, but it looks like Zach Morris is off the market. Yes, Mark-Paul Gosselaar is engaged, and amazingly/sadly it isn’t to Kelly Kapowski. The ink has barely dried on his May divorce from Lisa Ann Russell, but Mark has popped the question to ad exec Catriona McGinn over the weekend. “He couldn’t wait to propose,” his friend Neil Lane told People. Neil also designed the custom 5 carat cushion-cut diamond engagement ring. “He was so excited to have found the woman of his dreams.” We’re so excited! And we just can’t hide it! No wedding date has been set yet, but we sure hope they hold the reception at The Max. You can’t mess with tradition.
[Photo: Getty Images]
As a kid, Carey Mulligan watched Saved By The Bell just like we did. She wholeheartedly admits to having a crush on Mario Lopez because of his portrayal as jock meat-head A.C. Slater (we were more Team Zack ourselves). What’s so cute about this teenage crush (beyond the fact that she actually admits it) is that now that Mulligan’s a star who occasionally gets interviewed by Lopez, she turns back into a twelve-year-old girl and gets giddy at the sight of him.
Speaking at the L.A. Times Young Hollywood Round Table, Mulligan explained, “I’m always thrilled when I see [Lopez]. He hosts a show and every time, all the way through awards season, every time we did a red carpet and I saw A.C. Slater, I was like a complete disaster. I went bright red Ã¢â‚¬Â¦ and they make you stand really close to these people — uncomfortably close — and because of the camera angles, I was always within sort of kissing distance. Every one of my dreams has come true this year, including that.” We could not love her any more.
No word on what Jessie Spano’s reaction to this is, however we doubt that she’s so excited to hear that someone is moving in on her man A.C. Fellow Mario lovers can catch him on VH1 every Monday at 10:30 PM EST, in his show Saved By The Baby. Carey, we know you watch!
Poor Dustin Diamond (forever known as Screech Powers, the ultimate ’80s nerd from Saved By The Bell). At that post-SBTB fork in the road, all his former co-stars went one way and sadly he took a wrong turn. His most recent work has included a sex tape, and a turn on Celebrity Fit Club, but even more depressing than that, he was left off the People magazine cover touting the SBTB reunion. Way harsh, People. Screech was the guy’s opus, his one big thing.
Diamond may have the last laugh though. Over the course of the past year he penned a tell-all book about life on the teen tv show’s set, a book which promised insider info including, “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying.”
On the one hand, wow! On the other, ew! The autobiography, originally set to be published by Gotham Books, was dropped from that imprint because, well, they found it just as sketchy as we do. Luckily, for those of you who really want the hot Zack Morris/Kelly Kapowski details, Canadian company Transit Publishing has picked it up and will release it in September. [Photo: GettyImages]
The first thing we think of when we hear “Saved By The Bell” is not porn. Or sex. Or anything remotely erotic. (Especially not Elizabeth Berkeley in Showgirls.) But the cast has been in the news ever since Jimmy Fallon tried to reunite them on his show recently, and that’s made them famous all over again. Of course, people want to cash in – like Hustler filmmaker Jeff Thrill, for instance.
Thrill is planning to make a porno based on the show and says, “We couldn’t wait to get our hands on this one. It’s amazing, for such a silly show, how many fans it has. Fans will get this. Expect some great surprises! We have great resources on our staff to ensure that we capture the true essence of the show.” Oh God! What could that mean? Illicit behavior in the bathrooms at The Max? A position called the Fister Belding?
The one thing not yet divulged is the movie’s name, which makes us wonder what they’re calling this thing. Shaved By The Bell? Saved By The Balls? Anyone else care to make suggestions? [Photo: GettyImages]