Scarlett Johansson Nude

by (@unclegrambo)

Three Burning Questions About Scarlett Johansson’s (Alleged) Nude Picture Scandal

It’s been about eight hours or so since nude photos of a young woman that bares a striking resemblance to Scarlett Johansson were leaked online. After seeing the seismic force with which these photos hit the Internet, it’s a wonder that all of the underground tubes through which information flows to the World Wide Web—the Internet is powered by underground tubes, right???—didn’t rupture and burst. Thankfully, Al Gore had the foresight to envision the necessary precautions that needed to be undertaken in case of exactly this sort of incident back when he invented the Information Superhighway™.

We here at TheFABLife have been debating not only the authenticity of these (alleged) ScarJo nudes all day, but also the rationale for them. To that end, here are three burning questions that we demand President Obama answer in a televised address by nightfall (all of which assume that it is actually Miss Johansson who appears in these pics):

1) WHO WAS SCARLETT JOHANSSON SEXTING, ANYWAY?
That is a great question! Alas, only Scarlett, the end recipient, and probably some C.I.A. operatives with high-level security clearance* that gives them the access to wiretap anyone in the United States at will have the answer to that question for sure. However, we DID do some research to help narrow it down. According to the metadata in the pictures, these photographs were “Taken with a BlackBerry Bold 9000 Last Modified Date/Time = 20:25, Oct 12, 2010.” Hmmm, where was ScarJo on October 12 of last year? Well, internet sleuths have already determined that she was in her bedroom. Based on that, the lucky louie that she sent them to be could be: Her husband at the time, Ryan Reynolds (though they would go on to divorce just two months later); her Broadway co-star, Liev Schreiber (the gossip mill seriously churned during A View From The Bridge‘s run); or possibly even one of her We Bought A Zoo co-stars Matt Damon (who is happily married) or Thomas Haden Church (who is happily unmarried). What we DO know is that she almost certainly didn’t send them to Sean Penn, because those two didn’t hook up until March of 2011.

Read more…