Oh, Kevin Jonas, do you know anything about how to talk about women? Apparently not. Jonas seems to want to piss off his new wife Danielle from the sounds of a statement he made to Bliss Magazine recently while discussing their marital bed. Jonas talked about how he waited to have sex till he and Danielle were married, and unintentionally kinda dissed Danielle’s prowess in the sack, saying “Sex was not worth the wait. After we did it, I was kind of like, that’s it?”
Couple things, KevJo. Number one, just don’t even go there. It doesn’t matter if the interviewer is pushing you to go there, just don’t discuss your sex life. You’re still a Disney star after all, and your audience doesn’t need to know this stuff. We all know you are famous for your abstinence and, bless your heart, you and your brothers are better examples of it than ironic abstinence-spokes-teenage-mother Bristol Palin, but with that statement, you’re not actually helping your cause by being so blasé. But mostly, and we know you didn’t mean to, you just made your wife sound pretty bad in bed. No one who has ever had sex wants the response to their performance to be “That’s it?”. In Danielle’s defense though, maybe that purity ring desensitized him.
[Photo: Getty Images]
You’ve have heard of this new movieÃ‚Â starring Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore, right? It’s called LOL: Laughing Out Loud and the two play mom-and-daughter onscreen. Off-screen they’re BFF, hitting up bars together and such.
With a title that uses web-approved abbreviations, we thought it was going to be a Freaky Friday-like goofball chick flick. Turns out it’s a lot more like the sexy, Nikki Reed-penned Thirteen and you’re going to see a lot more of Miley than you’d like to. Case in point: Miley’s character will flash her brazilian bikini wax at Demi. You’re getting the picture, right? Not-so-little Miley’s all about the sex and drugs in this movie.
Please prepare yourself for some serious TMI. Apart from flashing her wax, she’s also going to lose her V-Card, smoke a doobie, get dee-runk and make out with two girls. Well, Miley’s kissed girls before, so the last part should be a breeze. But we can’t wait to watch Demi’s momma character tell Miles, “You’re my daughter. And I won’t let you turn into a porn star!”
We can already hear Miley’s defense for those who criticize her for portraying a super-sexual teen: Relax y’all. It’s just acting. I’m a performer.
Like manna from heaven, our favorite juice-head gorillas just unexpectedly received everything they could possibly need to stay as burnt-orange, veiny and STD-free as they wanna be. A truck baring a mountain of boxes pulled up to the house and gave the cast of Jersey Shore condoms, bottles of vodka, gym bags, self-tanner, free gym memberships, and a host of other epically Jersey goods…and all of it for free.
Or, if you look at it any other way, the cast received vodka, self-tanner, and bags; the rest of America got the hope of a baby-free Jersey Shore house. At least until the condoms run out. Next week. To be honest we weren’t super-worried about any little JS rug-rats running around the house anytime soon (steroids are a hell of a drug), but we’ll sleep better at night knowing that Sammi and Ronnie can keep their smushing infant-free.
The gift/publicity stunt came courtesy of Moishe’s Mobile Storage, who’s President Rami Haim explained, “Having watched what these kids must endure for fame, we felt obliged to pull together and deliver everything they could possibly need to make it to the end of summer.” We hope the delivery also came with a free storage unit the cast can all live in when the show is over. Too soon?
[Photo: Splash News Online]
If you aren’t watching True Blood, you are dumb. We know this because up until July we were not watching True Blood, but then we did because our friends made us. And even then, after we got through all of season 1, we were all, “I don’t get why you guys are so into Alexander Skarsgard, he’s weird looking.”
And our friends put their sassy friend fingers in our face and were like, “Girl, trust. In season 2 he’s going to cut his hair and then in season 3 he ties up a stripper and has sex with her and you see his butt move really fast – his tight tight butt – and then there is a BLUE. CASHMERE. SWEATER.”
And now we’ve seen the haircut and the sex and the sweater and we concur: Alexander Skarsgard is the definitive sex god of the 21st century.
But Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer? *Crickets*Fart noise*Sound of a dog sniffing another dog’s butt*
The next time Rolling Stone wants to do a True Blood cover, they should lock the fair lovers in Bill’s cellar sleep room, throw away the step ladder Stephen surely had to stand on to appear almost as tall as Alex, and let that Swede do his thing.
And by ‘thing’ we mean full frontal nudity. Obviously.
In a shockingly uncharacteristic move, Tila Tequila is actively trying to stop us from seeing her naked! Has the whole world gone topsy-turvy? Cats and dogs, living together…mass hysteria! Standing up against untrue rumors that she has signed on to star in an upcoming porno, Tila’s caps lock key was left a smoking nub as she penned a furious rant against the person responsible for the lies, proclaiming “I finally got online and saw that there are FALSE RUMORS that I made a deal for a SEX TAPE! Which is BULL***T!!”
First of all, what kind of idiot tries to spread sex tape rumors about someone who 1) clearly has a Master’s degree in marketing her own nakedness and 2) uses Twitter to spill personal secrets like most people inhale air to get oxygen? If Tila had porn coming out, we would have read it on a billboard by now. From the sounds of Tequila’s post however, this unnamed perpetrator is much more than a creep. Writes Tila, “Time will tell itself once the news comes out of the VIOLENT things you did to me, that scared the s**t out of me until I kept my mouth shut about it.”
We hope Lady T is able clear things up and hang this guy out to dry for slandering her name. Because if anyone is going to spread false rumors about Tila Tequila, it’s going to be Tila, goddamn it!
RadarOnline.com‘s photos of Jersey Shore’s resident boob job advocate, J-Woww, cheating on boyfriend Tom Lippolis just surfaced, causing poor Tom to dump the guidette. In an interview with RadarOnline, Tom said, “I’m f*cking beside myself, but am ready to move on.” Then he goes on to explain, “There has been a lot of pressure on both of us lately, but she recently told me, ‘I never cheated on you and I will never leave you for someone else.’ She just lost the best thing that ever happened to her.” Alright, now get ready for the real O-M-G moment: “I am in the best shape of my life and am ready for a new relationship. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve already put on Facebook that I am single and IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m getting hits like crazy.” It’s hard out here for a pimp isn’t it, Tom?
Tom must have amnesia so we will gladly remind him that during the first season of the Jersey Shore J-Woww introduced herself by saying, “After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.” She backs up this statement by hooking up with fellow castmate Pauly D and claiming not to remember it. Jersey Shore fans will also recall how J-Woww called Tom on the Snooki-proof duck phone to explain the incident that she allegedly doesn’t remember because she, too, was a victim of apparent (lemon-drop shot induced) amnesia. A momentary split happened between the couple before they were back together by the next episode.
Oh well, we guess it’s about time J-Woww is a single lady, ripping the heads off of orange-tanned men from New Jersey. Let’s just hope she remembers it.
In an interview with Hugh Hefner about the new documentary Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel, the titular Playboy founder is quoted saying, “The notion that Playboy turns women into sex objects is ridiculous. Women are sex objects. If women weren’t sex objects, there wouldn’t be another generation.” How sweet!
While the documentary focuses on Hef’s role as sexual entrepreneur in the ’60s, most of us know him as the somewhat doddering 84-yr-old nudie mag tycoon who patiently dealt with the exploits of his alarmingly much younger girlfriends in The Girls Next Door. But what about the very, very many lady-objects that have passed in and out of Hugh’s life? Don’t they deserve a documentary too, possibly directed by Ken Burns? We might not have the budget for that (yet), but until then enjoy a trip down Hugh’s memory lane (while he still has one) as we revisit some of the most beautiful women who ever took a peek under Hef’s robe.
It was announced this weekend that Jennifer Aniston will be appearing in an episode of Cougar Town with former Friends costar Courtney Cox, to which we reply: Oh, girl, no. You’re over 40, lose men like we lose our car keys, and are generally agreed to be the hottest, wealthiest old maid in Hollywood. The fish are already in the barrel, Jen; you don’t have to hand-paint little targets on their fins.
Thus we realized that all of Jen’s recent career events seem to be working toward her continued spinsterhood. Is it intentional? Is it karma? Is it just Jen’s agent laughing hysterically with his/her hand over the phone? In our efforts to get to the bottom of this, we present you, the jury, with 5 Reasons Jennifer Aniston Will Be Single Forever. The evidence speaks for itself!
- 1) Appearing on Cougar Town: Okay, we know we just said this one, but seriously. Courtney Cox is also on the show, but she is 1) happily married, 2) has a baby and 3) has a body so tight we could bounce a quarter off of it. Okay, Jen has that last one too, but still, only one ex-Friends star is going to get out of this one unscathed. If Aniston insists on doing the show, we silently pray that she somehow gets elected mayor of Cougar Town, or at least receives a key to the city. The jokes, they will write themselves.
- 2) Talks About Sperm Banks with Jay Leno: Aniston is starring in both The Switch and Just Go With It, two films in which she plays a woman desperate for a baby; The Switch even has a single Jen using donor sperm to inseminate herself. Do you think Jen’s ever read The Secret? The theory goes, sometimes when you spend a lot of mental energy picturing something, like having a baby by yourself (or chatting with Jay Leno about frozen sperm), it comes true. By projecting the image of a baby-hungry single lady, Jen might be manifesting that into reality, or something. We’re not exactly sure; we’re going to have to ask Oprah about this one. Either way Jen comes off like a sad aunt, and that’s the last thing she needs!
They grow up so fast don’t they? Vanessa Hudgens is going to be none too happy about this ’cause her BF Zac Efron has now discovered the joys of strip clubs. He and two friends – including High School Musical alum, Corbin Bleu - dropped a lot of cash on lap dances at the Flashdancers Gentlemen’s Club on Broadway, New York City. We’re talking more than $2 grand here (oh to be rich, young and famous) on dancers – down the g-strings of 3 brunettes in particular – and a hell of a lot vodka. And they kept going strong till 3 am. Part-ay!
How did he still look good the next day (we mean in the next couple of hours) at the premiere of his new sap-fest film, Charlie St. Cloud? And why does this strip-clubbing make us happy? Because it does, inexplicably. Maybe it’s because the Zefron is the movie equivalent to apple pie. So clean, perfect and wholesome; he makes us want to take a bite out of him. It’s nice to see a Disney star fall down the chute once in a while!
[Photo: Getty Images]
According to gay porn actor Cal Culver, not only was Superman actor Christopher Reeve the Man of Steel, he might also steal yo’ man. (TheFABLife would like to apologize for that amazing pun.) Anyhoo, in an interview Culver gave before he passed away in 1987, he claimed that he dated Reeve for two months in the ‘70s, saying “Christopher was a great lover and I think I liberated him sexually.”
Oh my gosh, that is so scanda…waaaaaait a minute. Did you say the ’70s? Well, that’s not that tawdry at all! Maybe today their relationship would have been deemed a torrid gay love affair between a gay porn star and a devastatingly handsome All-American actor. But back then it was just called “Tuesday.” Continued Culver, “I didn’t think he was gay but he seemed willing to try anything once. He was curious.”
Right, because it was Tuesday. Unfortunately for Culver, Reeve allegedly dumped him when he found out Culver was working in porn. Man, if we had a dime for every time a super-hunky movie star broke up with us because they found out we were acting in pornos. Well, let’s just say we would have an exceedingly large number of dimes. It’s probably more likely Reeve left because he knew Culver would start giving interviews to people on the bus if they would let him talk about sleeping with Superman. BECAUSE WHO WOULDN’T?!?! Do you remember what Reeve looked like in the movie The Rose and the Jackal? No? Just us? Well, he looked like a real dreamboat. Besides, what’s the point of sleeping with a famous person if you can’t tell everyone? By the way, on a totally unrelated note, does anyone want to publish a tell-all about Jon Lovitz we’ve been shopping around?