When the VMAs rolled in, Snooki held court
Now we all know that she’s really quite short
But something was different the night of the fete
Something was up with this particular guidette
Gone was the Elvis-like mound of hair
Snooki’s monumental poof just wasn’t there
“…I want to look more mature,” she said
While we couldn’t stop staring at her empty head.
“The poufÃ¢â‚¬â€IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been wearing it since I was 16…”
But your hair was every guidette’s dream!
“So why not switch it up?Ã¢â‚¬ÂÃ‚Â She pled.
While we couldn’t help but feel misled.
Snooki then said something that made sense
And left us feeling just a tad bit dense
The new haircut is way more guido,
Much like the Situation‘s libido.
It says so much about the Jersey Shore
(We can hear JWwow sayin, “who you callin’ a whore?”)
It explains the favorite pastime of the gang,
As Snooki put it, “Now I have bangs…”
Now this is what the VMAs are really about: fashion trainwrecks trainwrecking around trying to out trainwreck each other. And while it absolutely pains us to include some of our favorites on this list – Rihanna, Robyn, former MTV VJ Kennedy (er, JK) – nothing compares to the suffering they caused our eyes tonight with their wardrobe WTFs.
Without further ado, here are the looks we hated (on stars we – sob – love). Are we being too evil with our fashion eye? Talk back to us in the comments. And yes, we’ll fully admit to being the worst-dressed nobody of the night – yoga pants, a giant purple t-shirt and our one accessory – a medium cup of Haagen Daz. Luckily our cat took paparazzi shots, so we’ll be happy to share. [Photo: Getty Images]
This. We just could not resist. It’s bad enough that Troll #1 and Troll #2 are in faux-fur boots in the middle of a September heat wave, but the fact that three of Jersey Shore‘s finest Jagermeister shot guzzlers somehow managed to mimic The Beatles’ iconic Abbey Road album cover just goes to show what a bunch of idiot savants they truly are.
So what if Snooki can’t answer a duck phone, she does brilliant sh*t like this without even trying. It’s almost as if Lennon and McCartney were predicting the future when they wrote, “I never give you my number, I only give you my situation.” A very inebriated and tan future. The only question now is what we call this photo montage: Jersey Road or Abbey Shore?
Where do we even begin? Because Jersey Shore shenanigans completely fry us! Okay, the best place to start is right from the beginning. In this case it would be Snooki’s new boyfriend Jeff Miranda‘s infamous magazine cover proposal. We doubt the lady in question makes the right choices (hello, arrest for disorderly conduct) but in this case Snooki, did good by saying thanks, but no thanks.
Jeffy here has some major (alleged) baggage here. Expected, of course, ’cause what’s the Jersey Shore (and Snooki) without mayjah drama. He apparently loves ‘swinger’ parties, held a gun at his ex’s head and got served with a restraining order. But the worst? He supposedly tried to get on with Snooki’s housemate Angelina.
And, charming gentleman that he is, he had to respond to Angelina’s news (read: vitriol) in the only way he knew how. In Steppin’ Out, the same magazine he proposed to Snooki in, he stated eloquently, “Nobody cares about her anymore. She’s spreading lies about me to get attention. But she’s very jealous of me and Nicole (Snooki). She should just f**k off. She thinks I’m interested in her, but you would think if I were interested in her we would be dating. I’m not into her. She’s a b*tch.”
Oh and that’s not all. You didn’t think he would be succinct, did you? He added, “…I was never with her sexually. I had a friend who hooked up with her friend and that’s about it. I took a few pictures with her and she feel in love with me. She thought I was a sexy Guido. I tried to be nice to her, but she got the wrong idea. Now she’s jealous. She’s a cock blocker. She needs to get a life. I’m tired of her trash talking…”
Of course then Miss Angelina apparently smashed a microphone on Miranda’s face at at the Sapphire Gentlemen’s Club in New York yesterday. She was filming a web broadcast with Chaunce Hayden when Miranda turned up and started sh*t up. Hayden revealed, “Jeff was yelling that Angelina was jealous of his relationship with Snooki and that she is trying to break them up so she can date him.”
Apparently Jeff didn’t try to defend himself because it all hit him (pun intended) by surprise. Hayden says, “He looked stunned. He stood up like he was going to hit her and a group of people stopped him. She took all the booze on the table and started pouring it in his face and blinded him. I never saw somebody get beat that bad.” Chaunce also said that his face was so swollen he couldn’t speak properly, even though he tried to mutter “I’m going to sue her.”
Woah. If this is true… then… Woah. I mean, we all know that Angelina is a slapper…but this is just insane.
[Photo: Splash News Online and Getty Images]
The Daily Diff is TheFABLife’s pop culture spin on the traditional “spot the difference” game. Check back every day for a new picture. Brought to you by ZENO.
The Snookster and a friend looked less-than-thrilled about their Snooki-sized carnival prize down as they strolled the boardwalk while filming Jersey Shore. [Photo: Splash News]
Aww, not even an “I love Snooki” tee-shirt could do the trick for ex Emilio Masella. Because our little Snooki is off to the sex shops for someone else now! Her new guido love, Jeff Miranda, has managed extricating his tongue long enough to give the press some one-on-one time. Totally unexpected, right? Why would anyone making out with Snooki want to behave like a fame-hungry ‘ho?
So this Miranda dude apparently met Snooki last week at Karma nightclub and won’t shut up about it, saying, “We hit it off really, really good. Nicole is actually really cute and seems like a cool a** person, even though she’s drunk most of the time. She’s a real sweet girl.” Our Snooki? Drunk? Sir, you lie!
Also…can we just repeat the “cool a** person, even though she’s drunk…” statement because that’s like, the best quote EVER. Also in what’s like the biggest lie EVER, Jeffie said they went to Snooki’s home the night they met and, “had in-depth conversations about each other’s lives, what our backgrounds were…It was almost like an instant connection.” Yeah right, they talked all night. Surrrrre. Dude, your pants are on fire.
There’s tons more, believe us, and it’s all in the same barf-inducing Snooki-soulmate vein. But here’s a sign that they’re a match made in cheeseball-heaven. He sighed, “…Her lips are matched perfectly to mine…I couldn’t even explain it.” There you go. The same weird, unnaturally colored beige lips seal the deal.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
After shopping at a Seaside Heights sex shop with her Jersey Shore castmates, Snooki wore her barely-there getup home. [Photo: Splash News Online]
Uncensored pics below.
It’s hard to imagine a better theme song for the Jersey Shore than what it has right now — “Get Crazy” by Party Rock duo LMFAO. But when six-time Grammy winner John Legend and ?uestlove, the most iconic drummer in hip-hop history, offer to write the song for Snooki’s inevitable break-out show, then MTV should pay attention, no? Watch the clip to find out what Snooki’s song will sound like and see the John Legend/?uestlove interview in its entirety at our sister site BestWeekEver.tv.
rnrnIn a desperate attempt to seem hip to young people, John McCain once again spills the beans about his hopeless crush on Snooki, this time during a radio interview. Yesterday, the former Presidential candidate practically swooned into the microphone while talking to Phoenix’s KMLE, agreeing that, “I kind of think she might be too good looking to go to jail,” when asked about the Jersey Shore star’s recent run-in with the law. So, did his handlers just show John McCain a picture of Snooki and say, “This is what people find attractive now”? Or did they have to Photoshop a bustle and parasol onto her before he really got it? Because, seriously, ew. rnrnAlso, let’s be honest here, people. As much as we love and cherish our Snickers (almost too much, our therapists would argue), she …how should we put this… she definitely has the goods to be crowned Miss Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women 2010. That poof was born to conceal a shiv, a pack of smokes, and a slightly smaller poof underneath it. Luckily for McCain, his infatuation is far from one-sided; the May-December lovebirds have tweeted at each other, and Snooki has mentioned before that she thought the 73-year-old Senator is “really cute.” Which, once again, ew. rnrnWe, on the other hand, continue to be baffled by how hard McCain is working to seem relevant to the younger generations. Is this going to be part of his 2012 campaign? God help us if knowing about Snooki determines whether or not someone will be elected leader of the free world. Wait a minute…we know EVERYTHING about Snooki! Get the Palin on the phone; we’ve got a nation to lead! [Photo: Getty Images]
(Welcome to TheFABlife Bikini Awards, where we pit half-naked celebs against each other and you vote for the finest skin-flaunter of the summer of 2010. )