You know what we dreamed about last night, curled up in a little ball on top of our air conditioner? Our subconscious took us to a magical place where skeezy British soccer (yes, SOCCER) stud Ashley Cole hit up the cheesiest, douchiest LA club and after a night of grinding and charming skanks with his British accent, he had a heartfelt chat with a LA club troll while her giant boobs hung out of a sliver of cloth she tried to pass off as a shirt.
And guess what?!! It happened IRL!!!
Yes, dreams really DO come true in Los Angeles, where Ashley is drinking away his sorrows over England’s lame-o showing in the World Cup and getting his Popsicle melted – Katy Perry style – by California’s most stunning crop of ladies.
Of course, our headline contains a heavy dose of sarcasm. That said, if you have been keeping up with the British tabloids in the wake of England’s disappointing performance in the 2010 World Cup, you would recognize that it’s indicative of the amount of vitriol directed at England’s premier striker, Wayne Rooney. Rooney —who, not so coincidentally, did not make our list of the Top 25 soccer studs— is widely considered to be England’s best player and, as such, has been facing the lion’s share of criticism for his team’s poor effort this year. In a hilarious turn of events, the notoriously judgmental Fleet Street tabloid, the Daily Mail, is pinning the blame for Rooney’s failure to score goals and lead his team to victory not on his conditioning or mental focus, but rather on the fact that he SHAVED HIS CHEST prior to this year’s World Cup.
We haven’t seen a haircut this widely derided in the press since Felicity chopped off her signature ‘do before sophomore year! What do you think, dear readers: Is the British press being unfair to Rooney for his personal grooming habits, or do you think it’s weird that he took time away from preparing for the World Cup to spread Nair all over his pasty chest? Or do you share the opinion of the New York Post and just think that soccer is stupid, anyway?
Former tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati, who is as notorious for her youthful indiscretions with marijuana and shoplifting as she is for her athleticism, is in the news again today. Sadly, it appears that Capriati overdosed on pills and was hospitalized yesterday, but her condition is now stable.
Capriati’s father claims that an accidental OD of prescription medications is to blame, but judging from the Twitter account of Jennifer’s ex-boyfriend, porn star Dale DaBone, it appears that the OD was intentional and a result of their breakup. DaBone (whose real is name Dale Rutter) has been tweeting all day about Capriati’s condition and at one point wrote “I just talked to her…she said it was because of me…I wanna puke right now.” In spite of his porny name and the fact that he’s taking such a serious matter to the Twitterverse, DaBone seems truly broken up about Capriati’s condition. After speaking to Jennifer, he wrote “She can blame me…but I quit my whole life to be with her.. I gave her my soul and she left me… I never meant for this to happen” and later “I was in love with her…..I lost her because of porn, and she hates me for it.”
Two weeks ago, we served up a healthy dose of abs with The World Cup’s Hottest Players. If you are anything like us, you were jumping up and down in your chair when the adorable Landon Donovan scored USA’s winning goal and spent the better part of the last two weeks drooling over sexy soccer stars such as Iker Casillas and Samuel Eto’o while watching the first round of the World Cup.
This week, we’re bursting your bubble by revealing their equally hot wives and girlfriends. Some of these gorgeous couples, such as Roque Santa Cruz and Giselle Tavarelli are happily married with children. However, other soccer couples (see the complex love triangle above between English players John Terry, Wayne Bridge and French model Vanessa Perroncel) have failed to reach marital bliss. Such unfortunate news may bring us soccer secret admirers relief, causing us to either A) realize these womanizing, globe-trotting playboys wouldn’t make good husbands anyway, or B) (who are we kidding?) celebrate their newfound singledom.
Jerry Seinfeld is taking a bold stand againstLady Gaga after her behavior in the stands at the Mets and Yankeesgames last week. As if anyone could forget, Gaga attended games at Yankee Stadium and Citi Field and managed to cause a ruckus (and throw the middle finger around) at both. At Citi Field, where the Mets play, Gaga was moved from the grandstand to Seinfeld’s private box, which the Mets apologized to the comedian for after the fact.
Seinfeld first responded Ã‚Â to Gaga‘s behavior by brushing it off, but when he was later interviewed on WFAN Sports Radio and said “You know, I changed my mind. This woman’s a jerk. I hate her. I can’t believe they put her in my box that I paid for! You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we’re living in now? But she is talented,Ã¢â‚¬Â he conceded. Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t know why she’s doing this stuff.” We love that he makes it sound like her rude behavior is a drug.
Seinfeld, at age 56, is on the one hand acting like a grumpy old man, but on the other hand we totally agree with him. Guess that makes us grumpy old men, too.
Magic Johnson held a victory party for the L.A. Lakers last night at West Hollywood club Trousdale, and people you never would have guessed were Lakers fans showed up. Namely Bai Ling, whose credibility only extends to that one episode of Lost she was in, Playboy Playmate Luann Lee and Cindy Margolis. Put the three of them together in a room and all of a sudden you forget why you’re there, it just becomes a perfect storm of crotch shots, mugging at the camera and uncomfortable bystanders. We don’t doubt that they’re proud of their hometown team, but they sure have interesting ways of showing it. Like table dancing and boob-grabbing. Not that we’re judging.
Lady Gaga graces the cover of Rolling Stone this month with guns a-blazin’ and cheeks a-thongin’. This picture probably isn’t anyone’s first glimpse at Gaga’s ass, nor will it be our last, but it’s still a goody. In a snippet from her interview with the magazine, Gaga is quoted as saying “When I wake up in the morning, I feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then I say, ‘Bitch, you’re Lady Gaga, you get up and and walk the walk today.”
Such confidence must be the reason Gaga feels so at ease throwing ‘tude around, like for instance, during her visit to Yankees Stadium last week. It was first reported that Gaga smooth-talked her way into the Yankees clubhouse and displayed some very un-ladylike behavior, fondling her breasts and wearing a Yankees jersey wide open over nothing but her underwear (and even we know that the Yankees have a strict dress code, they made Johnny Damon cut off his caveman hair after all). The New York Post reported that Yankees co-chairman Hal Steinbrenner banned Gaga from the clubhouse after her antics, but General Manager Brian Cashman says she isn’t banned, she was just not supposed to be in the clubhouse at that particular moment. He explained “Celebrities aren’t banned. If Michael Jordan showed up here he would have access [to the clubhouse], but not after a loss. That was the wrong time and the wrong place. It’s been taken care of.” Somehow we doubt Michael Jordan would swill whiskey and touch himself inappropriately in the clubhouse, but okay. Sounds to us like Cashman has a soft spot for Gaga.
We know just a few things about the Australian World Cup football team. Number one, they are nicknamed the Socceroos, which is adorable. Number two, they got creamed by Germany last weekend, losing 4-0 in their opening game. And number three, they had to endure further embarrassment when John Travolta sang “You’re The One That I Want” to the team during a meet and greet. As far as we can tell, Travolta’s only connection to the soccer team is his Aussie co-star from Grease, Olivia Newton-John, who was absent from the singalong.
Travolta and wife Kelly Preston flew their private jet to South Africa to take in some of the games and hopefully spare the rest of the teams from spontaneous versions of “Greased Lightning” and monologues from Battlefield Earth.
While your Leos and your Jacks were certainly happy to see the Lakers tie up the NBA Championship series against the Celtics, you have to feel sorry for the celebs who risked ridicule by showing their Boston pride at the Staples Center in LA last night. Just looking at Eli Roth‘s face tells us how frustrating the pummeling must have been, and just looking at Peaches Geldof tells us how confusing she must have found the game. Ah well, at least the loss kept Dane Cook from preening. See photos of all these celebs, Christina Aguilera, Michelle Obama and many, many more in the gallery below. Think they’ll all show up for the final match-up Thursday?
Dennis Rodman needs to cough up some cash on the double. His estranged wife Michelle is on the warpath because her former basketball star/husband is way behind on his child support payments.
According to documents filed in the Orange County Superior Court, cross-dressing Rodman owes a staggering $305,244.67 for his two kids. He was last ordered to pay his wife $ 50,000 per month and an extra $1,083 in spousal support. Michelle claims he’s slumped on the payments but Dennis’ rep says he plans to settle the account soon, and has already recompensed a fair amount.