Strippers

by (@hallekiefer)

Minka Kelly Loves Her Stripper Mom

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To paraphrase Chris Rock, your only goal as a parent is to keep your daughter off the pole. But if you’re already on the pole, getting your daughter into Esquire and on TV seems pretty good too! As she reveals in the latest issue, Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive Minka Kelly’s mom was a stripper…and the Friday Night Lights actress wouldn’t have it any other way. Says Minka, “She was a stripper. It was all about what we could do to have fun with nothing. She would come home at like three, four o’clock in the morning, and she would wake me up in the middle of the night and we’d go grocery shopping.”  And some moms make Rice Krispies treats!  People have all different ideas about what’s fun.

“My mom lived a fast life,” Kelly explains, “That was so much fun. We would have a blast and buy a hundred dollars in groceries. It was just the best day ever.” The 30-year-old girlfriend of Derek Jeter also recounts how she almost got free breast implants, but decided at the last minute that, duh, she was already supernaturally attractive. When you basically look like the prettiest cheerleader in school times ten, massive boobs are really just overkill. [Photo: Esquire]

by (@hallekiefer)

Helen Mirren’s Beauty Tips Are Just Like Ours!: Stripper Heels And “Sucking It In”

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According to a new interview with actress Helen Mirren, stripper heels and “sucking it in” are essential to a woman’s allure, meaning the Academy-Award-winning actress gives the same beauty advice as your middle school best friend’s mother, the one who always made you uncomfortable by talking about her boyfriend/s and tried to give you a wine cooler in the fifth grade.

Says Mirren, “Four-inch platforms give you great height and make your legs look unbelievably long. I used only to be able to get them in stripper shops, but now you can buy them everywhere – although, unfortunately, that means everyone else has discovered the trick too.” Helen went on to explain how to use Kool-Aid as a lip stain and how Preperation H calms the wicked inner thigh bruises you get from working the pole.  In case we forgot from Mirren’s shoplifting and coke-filled past, Helen is really hard-core. We’d change $20 into a pile of singles for her any day of the week.

Mirren also described how, “Holding your tummy in is another trick for making you look and feel good. I don’t know why, but I do, by nature, hold my tummy in.” That’s how Helen Mirren does it. She can be a two-time Best Actress winner who can afford the world’s fanciest, diamond-stunned Spanx, and she’ll still opt for the “hillbilly tummy tuck” every time. [Photo: Getty Images]