Tabloids

by (@katespencer)

Exclusive: Us Weekly’s J-Simp Fart Story Is The Dumbest Thing We’ve Ever Read

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Sometimes our days are filled with reporting on interesting news stories, salacious scandals and national moments of crisis and culture. And then there are the days like today when we head on over to Us Weekly only to discover them flaunting an Exclusive! Story! about Jessica Simpson farting in a meeting. Ser-i-ous-ly.

We’re not sure what’s more ridiculous – Us making a story out of something we’ve already done like, five times this morning, or the fact that they’ve called it an exclusive. Their brave source who endured J-Simp’s alleged gas blast offered up this riveting take of what went down (or out, rather): “While one of the executives was speaking in a room full of five people, Jessica let out a very loud fart. Her mother [Tina Simpson] was there, and it prompted her to turn around and yell, ‘Jessica!’ The tension was extreme. No one knew what to say.”

A loud fart! A yelling mom! Extreme tension! Surely even journalists embedded with our troops in Iraq have never experienced a moment so powerful or poignant. Idiotic reporting aside, we’re gonna add this to our list of things we love about Jessica. Unlike most of the chain-smoking, self-important divas roaming around Hollywood these days (we see you, Taylor Momsen), the girl posts videos of herself using ear wax candles on her Twitter account and frequently steps out without makeup, looking lovely. We like that she might have blasted one out in a meeting, and she sounds exactly like the kind of girl we’d like to hang out with over a beer or five (yes, we’re not-so-secretly are on a mission to make Jess our BFF).

Jessica Simpson’s gas – 1, Us Weekly – O.

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@katespencer)

Rob And Kristen Act Married, Claims Delusional Tabloid

ok-cover-robert-pattinson-kristen-stewart

Poor OK! Magazine. The tabloid finally figured out that no one was interested in buying its boring cover stories about Jennifer Aniston’s phantom fetuses, and is desperately wooing the Twi-hards, hoping they can save their flailing rag. Sadly, no true Twilight fan (yes, we mean TheFABlife staff) is gonna fall for this kinda crap.

The magazine’s cover alludes that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart – the world’s most introverted and camera-shy stars since J.D. Salinger – declared – to a tabloid -  “we’re already like a married couple!” It also boasts of exclusive photos of their shared hotel suite (alleged, natch) and insider info on their relash, that OK! claims, through clever word choices, were supplied by Robsten. Nice try.

As Jezebel points out, OK! claims the that couple shares an entire floor of the hotel, but their exclusive hotel photos are just ripped off the Sheraton’s website. Then there are the horrendously cheesy descriptions of their time together, that are so sappy even Stephenie Meyer wouldn’t write them: “Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars,” and “[after a run-in with paparazzi] they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind.”

So not okay, OK!. Luckily, sensible Twilight twitter sites (like the hilarious KStew411) are openly mocking the glorious, steaming pile of BS. We Twi-hards may love vampire stories, but even OK!’s claims are too fantastical for our tastes. [Photo: OK!]

Check out photos of the alleged lovebirds in the gallery below.

View Photo Gallery