by (@katespencer)

Ali Lohan Meets With Porn Director, Mommy Gets Pissed

On last week’s episode of Living Lohan (a.k.a 101 Reasons Not to Let Your Kid Go Into Showbiz), the show’s tortured starlet, Ali Lohan, was seen auditioning for a horror flick in front of two old dude producers. Turns out our pals at TMZ have identified one of the men as Peter Davy, whose past work includes the tragic tale “Bun Busters 12″ and the uplifting “Breast Wishes 14.” Yep, Peter’s a porn producer.

The meeting was set up by Ali’s agent (nice one!) and Dina, of course, freaked the f*ck out. But doesn’t it pretty much sum up the future of Ali’s career? She should just get used to meeting with porn directors now, because that’s what she’ll be doing for the rest of her life – especially if her Mom’s management skills have anything to do with it. Until then, we’re waiting with baited breath for the first installment in the Loving Lohan series.

by (@katespencer)

Heidi Thinks She Can Afford A $15 Million House

Whoever said The Hills wasn’t funny?

Heidi Montag is moving out of Hollywood (yay!) to escape “the drama.” Sadly, she hasn’t yet realized she’s normally the one to cause all the cat-fighting. But you know, it’s hard being that self-absorbed. Heidi and her man-beast Spencer Pratt are searching for a house in the $15 million range, which means they’re gonna have to stage a lot of bikini pics to save up! That or sell 15 million crappy tank tops from her junk fashion line. Either way, it will probably take them a few years – they’ve blown all their cash on lip injections, after all.

Heidi knows her price range is “a little bit expensive,” but says “we want to get one house where we want to stay and build a family in.” Just the thought of these two “building” some babies makes us vomit harder than Shia LeBeouf after a night of binge drinking. Eek.

by (@katespencer)

Gossip Break: Miley’s Makeout Session

New Miley Cyrus candid kissing pics: now with 10% more slutiness! [ONTD]

John Mayer‘s O face is way less sexy with his new haircut (sorry Jeniston). [DListed]

Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romjin are adding to their cuteness with twin babies. [Seriously? OMG!]

Ryan Seacrest was bitten by a shark while swimming. In other news, I love sharks. [ICYDK]

Rihanna and Chris Brown go jet skiing in Maryland. Yeah, we don’t care either. [Bossip]

Lindsay Lohan was not hit by a motorcycle, no matter what her crazy dad says. [PopSugar]

by (@katespencer)

Lauren Conrad Not Tortured By Her Own Vapidity

It’s such a relief to know that Lauren Conrad is not a “tortured soul.” Apparently we’re the only ones tormented by her mascara-stained tear fests and alleged 8 hour work days spent in 6 inch Louboutin heels. Hell, we’re surprised Lauren has a soul at all – we thought she sold it to get that pathetic fashion line. More LCisms coming at you on August 5th in CosmoGirl. [via FadedYouth]