The Discovered Diaries of Amy Winehouse

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EXCLUSIVE: Amy’s Diary Discovered In St. Lucia! (Day 4)


???? Jan

Dear Diary, I am seriously finkin about trackin a WALTZ (!!!!) for me next reckord, which as you know is all about my life here in Gorgeous Mexico!!!Stay forever if they want me to, fantastic. Somefin like: “BLAKE is BLEAK/and SHAG is GASH/LAKE is LEAK/and HARTS are TRASH…Life is a game of SKRABBLE” like that but I might need Mum’s help to finnish it and she said No way UNLESS i let the divorce go thru. So I wrote Blake sayin OK i AGREE to 50-50, right, just IF he let me visit him One Time while he’s still in Suffolk. Fing is, I have (SHHHH!) a halterial motive: Horace tole me last night he has a cousin in that exact clinker for stabbin his babysitter, amazin, he’s eleven but Really VIOLENT (as well as a right gorgeous boy I fink he said), they don’t know where to put im as he’s already put three prisoners in hospittle and now he’s Blake’s CELLMATE!!!! Because he said they said Oh we know YOU can handel him, what wif your experieince wif Yours Truly & whatnot, which makes me right worried, Dear Diary I Am Concerned because in fact Blake has NO ability to defend imself from Aggressive Impulses (especially NOW they confaskated his hat where he keeps his secret power) and I definly am fankful for him takin the rap for me wif that trucktwat bartender  (FANKYOU FOR PUTTIN ME ON HOLLIDAY BLAKE!!! and i will love my man wif ALL me heart up until the heavinly day I finally am RID of im BUT the fing is that Horace who is genetally engineered to tell me the truth tole me Psychonephew SINGS like a bloody ANGEL, Horace says ecksluively C&W so far but only because of “Considerable Peer Preshur” but his friends are all Negoshiable, BUT!!! The astrologist at the snorkel stand agreed wif me: if I don’t sign him up BEFORE HIS VOICE CHANGES my label launch will sink like a olive on Joopiter! & Some fings you just know is true. SO, I’ve got to get there fast before he strikes again and is moved to another cell, see. I’d wanna break im out slow at first wif like a duet on D’s debut, which would be brilliant, maybe a tad’ll rub off on them sayin She’s too young, she ain’t lived/not done enuff blow or whateva to make a decent rekord, and this jail but has multiple times enough for bofe of them, very promisin/excatly what Lioness Records STANDS for! i mean: 2 fingers yooth, 2 fingers Carry A Tune, and a heavy dash of grotty so this would be, like, DESTINY don’t you fink? Espeshally now we have a family crest for the stationary!!! Oh DD I forgot to tell you—JUST today. My trapeze broke (NOT wif me on it) so I went to the Crafts Bungalow and they showed us “Boob Painting” which, like, if I didn’t have Aerial Yoga I’d do that DAILY!!! It was very soothin because I’m a little burnt in the front, and I just did it simple, but I took a lot of time to apply the colors carefuly in a rainbow right round me nubs, THEN, when the print came out I saw it was just like 2 big eyes lookin straight at me! It was, I swear to you: EYES OF THE LIONESS (POSSIBLE TITLE—SONG/ALBUM/DEBUT MOVIE???) It was a sign and a gift and so here: this is our Label Logo. What you fink? It’s not the original because I let this artist bloke have it who REALLY liked it for half a bottle of rubber cement. Don’t know why they cawl it that, it’s too sticky but let’s see, cut with limejuice, let me see……..not so terrible! i fink i will lay down now for a minute now, more latter, first siesta…luego…Amy

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Full disclosure: Our correspondent, Lawrence Krauser, has not been in St. Lucia recently. So we’re absolutely positive that he did not drink with Amy Winehouse in her hotel room all night and then leave with her personal diary in the morning. The above is what we imagine Amy’s diary would contain. Stay tuned for further entries. [Photos: Splash News Online]

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EXCLUSIVE: Amy’s Diary Discovered In St. Lucia! (Day 3)

Jan ???

I don’t get it, who bitches to the manager about a naked gael on a balcony with the lungs of a angel? That’s why God CREATED three a.m. Barbarians. Bloody bungalow’s not big enough for me left tit. “Oh you’ll love it, it’s much more EXCLOOSIVE—we just got a opening.” Here, I got a opening too, wanker. A million quid per and no minibar, what kinda fleabag insult do they fink I am??? Solitary Refinement my k1*t. And not even the R-E-S-P-E-C-K to talk to me direct, you know, always go through daddy. YOU know I love Mitch but I wish he’d get his own dam island. He tole the Sun I wasn’t crawlin and beggin—I was just “PRETENDIN” to be a Horse. He can be so bloody WESTERN. FINALLY I reach my alpha horizon and he goes and tells the world it’s all just a ACT. And nobody buys it anyway, is like these people never even HEARD of Yoga. It was not pretendin it was REAL, i only just BECAME the horse, I was all ready to move on to Elephant and now Chipswami tells me it’s back to Iguana for a whole bluddy WEEK due to “focus fracture” due to “catastrophized oneness” due to “insubstantial distancing from worldly affiliation.” In a EMAIL he tells me this. Hello everyone! This is Amy here! I exist!!!! You can talk right to ME if you want! I can give MYSELF a message please! Horace says not to take this shite personal, everybody’s brain is on The New Era Of America, like mine isn’t! I saw that so-called “concert” too and Areefa obviously never got my revisions, which I THOUGHT was right THOUGHTFUL of me to send her considering I wasn’t even INVITED (Sam says its because tattoos are the new wrong pigment). HeLLO!! MY C**T, SHE IS OF ME/SWEET PATCH OF LIBERTY/OF ME I SING fyi please GRAVE OF VIRGINITUDE/CAVE OF DIVINITUDE/ SLAVE TO MY CHOICE OF DUDE and iff you want the rest buy my record and you COULD have had it for FREE, take THAT (NOTE: TALK TO BRIAN: 9-INCH SINGLE???) And is not like I didn’t call Room Service and tell them to send down a male companion “Appropriate To This Monumentous Occasion” I thought that was quite clear, I’m as patrionic as the next gael but I waited all night and: NOBODY showed of ANY genre. (NOTE: do you fink it’s because of I used BUSH in Verse 2 Areefa had a problem wif it???) I waited till midnight, I mean till I got fed up and went back to the lounge and everyone was like Oh look it’s Amy! But they tried to make me cover “Rehab” and I said you KNOW if I do that one more time I’m gonna grommit all over your casual sporty, so I did instead a little somefin called “Back to Barack: WE ONLY TOOK THE OATH WITH WORDS/I VOTED A HUNDRED TIMES/YOU GO BACK TO IRAQ/AND I GO BACK TO BARAK, they went MAD, Dear Diary, but Horace was like “That song makes no sense Amy if you fink about it.” Horace, I said, You’re the only one who tells me the truth anymore, I mean everyone has an OPINION, like Blake says I sing too black, the peruvian drycleaner said I sing too white (and that was AFTER), Mum says she’d like to hear more of “Your Canaanite Roots” in the songs but my sweet Horace YOU are the one who leveled wif me about my addiction to certain Vocal Ornamentations that I’m doing them out of HABIT and not out of NEED which was NASTY to hear but then I forgot and he had to tell me again, which must have been hard for HIM but I’m fankful really I am, Too bad you don’t dine at my table, i said and he said just gimme a little time but, you know, he’s paid to be tactful…Just finkin of ‘im I’m a little firsty, YOU will excuse me, must return to civilisation before the tide’s out! cheers luv…Amy

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Full disclosure: Our correspondent, Lawrence Krauser, has not been in St. Lucia recently. So we’re absolutely positive that he did not drink with Amy Winehouse in her hotel room all night and then leave with her personal diary in the morning. The above is what we imagine Amy’s diary would contain. Stay tuned for further entries. [Photos: Splash News Online]

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EXCLUSIVE: Amy’s Diary Discovered In St. Lucia! (Day 2)

Jan ??

Dear Diary, so I saw this bird and she looked wicked cool and I’m a straighttalkin gael, YOU know that, I’m like So let’s go get rubbish, you and me in the sand, I like a little salt on my rim I’m on vacation, and yourself? She’s like Oh no my boyfriend wouldn’t like that very much but I see in his eyes he will like it just fine. (pansy Blake: NEVER) She’s lookin at ‘im, you know? More the merrier, I tell them, life is short. Then she says Well you know I saw you last week in the water in your bath cap. (I don’t even HAVE a bath cap.) I say, what you gettin at? Boyfriend’s like, I saw you too, and I agree. Agree with WHAT???, I say. She says: “When you’re in you’re bath cap, I happened to observe you in profile and do you know you look EXACTLY like The Artist Formally Known As Prince?” (!!!!!!!) So I TRY to be delicate, because this is rude of her I thought, but maybe it’s starstruckery, I’m sympathetic, I’m like very polite I say “Right, so you wanna go clammin or not?” Because she is still right cute in spite of now obvious deficiencies. So she’s like “It’s like you’re the Same Person, beauty mark and everything, bone structure and your eyebrows and whatnot.” “TOtally,” he says, he is a bloody yankee buttock and he reaches out and GRABS MY CHIN and tries to sort of swivel me head around and push me hair back into Exhibit A this arselodger!!!! So I say, VERY calmlike but not without clarity: “THIRST OF ALL, HE CHANGED HIS NAME BACK TO PRINCE IN LIKE 1879, SO NOW HE’S FORMALLY KNOWN AS THE ARTIST FORMALLY KNOWN AS THE ARTIST FORMALLY KNOWN AS PRINCE WHICH HIS FORMAL NAME NOW AND EVERYBODY WHO KNOWS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE KNOWS THAT SO OBVIOUSLY YOU TWO ARE A DOUBLE SHOT OF FUCKWITS WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!! but suddenly the quote-unquote Maitra Dee is there and he’s flappin and cluckin around us like King Tony hollerin for HELP!! HELP!!! but the help is all COWERING behind tables defendin their precious botox foreheads with cheese platters even though I am NOT throwing at them those tiny forks they give you for shrimp cocktails here, they come in these fancy wood boxes of twenty and the bartender—HORACE who I thought was my FRIEND—is tapping his sawed-off cue on my fifth-best Louboutins saying “Amy DOWN, Amy DOWN” then suddenly leaps back hiding his face behind his fake Popeye arms (NO tattoos) and the gael is sayin to everybody “Doesn’t she EXACTLY look like The Artist Formally Known As, she is so totally The Artist Formally Known As, they even SOUND alike” which as YOU can imagine, my dearest diary and One True Friend, was the exact last straw and I was like This Conversation Is A WRAP. I swam alone tonight, Dear Diary, I swam alone. (o my poor Blake, he can’t even SHOWER alone now!) POSSIBLE LYRIC: A TRILLION GRAINS OF SAND BUT JUST ONE ME ??? (bossa nova ska).

Triple X and the Big O,

Amy

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Full disclosure: Our correspondent, known only as Horrible Child, has not been in St. Lucia recently. So we’re absolutely positive that he did not drink with Amy Winehouse in her hotel room all night and then leave with her personal diary in the morning. The above is what Horrible Child imagines Amy’s diary would contain. Stay tuned for further entries. [Photos: Splash News Online]

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Amy’s Diary Discovered In St. Lucia! (Day 1)

Jan ?

Dear Diary,
Can’t you please explain to these sods that when I said Blake was rubbish in bed which if you speak the bloody queens English you would KNOW is TRUE and is exactly what going to bed MEANS. I don’t sing in Japanese do I? Not on PURPOSE (is there a video of that?? ASK RAYE) Maybe it means somefin in Japanese but I’m a London girl wif a London, you know, SOUL which doesn’t rhyme with HOLE for nuffin, at least not in my experience which is very wide. I pity these gaels, you know, there’s a disconnect. Put down the microphone child!!! Rubbish is rubbish and I will stand by my man. NOTE: IDEA FOR SONG: MY SOUL IS ACHIN/MY HOLE IS QUAKIN/BUT MY MARRIAGE IS ONLY STIRRED—NOT SHAKIN. Bullocks that reminds me, is Quaalude Of Silence in production yet???? MEMO: CALL BACK. I right messed that one up but it’s like didn’t I tell them a billion times you can’t rush genius and you definitely don’t rush BOND. Why do you think he never says his name all at once? Come in Alicia, the song goes like this: VALIUM SHE GOT TOO MUCH VOLUME/AND LAUDANUM’S A LITTLE LOUD FOR ME/DEMIROL’S A NOISY POL/JUST GIVE ME MY QUAALUDE OF SILENCE … NOTE: CALL RAYE, maybe there’s still time for the Asian release!!! Too bad. Danny looks as rubbish as me in a speedo. Fuck THAT, for the NEXT one then, I’ll PRODUCE it. Winehouse– Amy Winehouse…Get my OWN bloody franchise. Then I can score it and star in it too and also cater. They want me in a movie, I’ll show em how to make a bloody movie. No Evian placement in MY flickers. Russell Crowe won’t be saying no to MY fat bum. (I bet HE’S right rubbish!) No water on the set, can you handle it, Russie? WATER IS THE ENEMY OF ART. which YOU understand, my dear dripped-on diary. Sorry about eating you last night, they drove me to it. Anyway you carry less punch than those napkins. Delicious, those! MEMO: next time must score BEFORE they hit the trash bins. Firsty, I am. Firsty firsty!!!! That’s right sleazbos I have ALL the appetites. You go to bed and like what do you expect wif a Norf London gael like me so obviously passionate as I am and a royal HUNK like that. The point being: You use a RUBBER then you RUB. I’m gonna marry a bloke who’s NOT rubbish???? Have you heard me sing, do I sing like a non-rubber? What do other people do, CLAP??? Did you LOOK at my Blake, do you KNOW what’s under his hat? Not that Josh is any less rubbish. Or what’s his name with the luggage cart, God I love Mexico! But ain’t NOBODY done make me feel all nice and DEAD like Blake does, THAT’S rare, THAT’S why I married him. LYRICAL IDEA: WHEN PEOPLE SAY I’M CHUBBY, I ASK MY RUBBY HUBBY, WHO TELLS ME DEAR DELICIOUS ETC. (Ballad) Fuckin right he makes me feel dead. You wanna talk, learn the fuckin language. WHERE did i stick my fuckin guitar? The night is young and so are I, so nighty night dear diary!

Hugs,
Amy

Full disclosure: Our correspondent, known only as Horrible Child, has not been in St. Lucia recently. So we’re absolutely positive that he did not drink with Amy Winehouse in her hotel room all night and then leave with her personal diary in the morning. The above is what Horrible Child imagines Amy’s diary would contain. Stay tuned for further entries. [Photos: Splash News Online]