The Hills

by (@katespencer)

Audrina Patridge Lounges In A Bikini And Gets Paid

It’s simple, really: Audrina Patridge (and her sister Casey) throws on a hot bathing suit, relaxes in a pool, guzzles some booze, and calls it a day. That’s the sweet kinda work she does while hosting gigs, like this one in Vegas for Bombay Sapphire. Oh, to be famous for doing nothing – and to get paid a sh*tload for it. [Photos: Getty Images]

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by (@katespencer)

LC And Chace: Too Bored To Touch Each Other

Lauren Conrad and Chace “with a C” Crawford recently “exchanged digits” and apparently things get a little text heavy when they hit up each other’s hometowns (Chace works in NYC, Lauren lives in The Hills, obviously). A friend of the Gossip Girl hottie says “they’re just friends,” but it’s way more interesting to assume they’re getting it on. Though don’t probably don’t get too x-rated – when these two dull stars get together they kinkiest thing they do is twirl each other’s extensions and stare blankly into each other’s fake-lashed eyes. Even if they are booty calling each other, we’re sure there’s no booty involved. These two vain and vapid hotties would rather not mess up their hair, you know? [E! Photos: WireImage, GettyImages]

by (@katespencer)

Whitney Port Prepares To Bore World in Cute Shoes

So, it’s like, true. Whitney Port, Lauren Conrad‘s fashion conscious sidekick who has somehow managed to remain as neutral as Switzerland during four seasons of the show, has been let loose on Gotham as the star of MTV’s next big docudrama. Whit will be working for fashion designer Diane Von Fustenberg, and should start airing early next year. On The Hills, Whitney is good for a couple of weird faces and a shoulder to fake cry on, but how is that going to translate into a full thirty minutes? With a lot of help from her old friends the producers, we’d guess.  [Photo: MTV]

by (@katespencer)

Audrina: Sick Of All The Fighting And Silent Meals Too

Wow. Underneath those dead eyes lies a woman who finally decided she ain’t gonna take it anymore. Audrina Patridge is packing up and movin’ out of Lauren Conrad‘s guest house! No more tears drenched in toxic mascara waste! No more vag-flashing Lo making her feel inferior because – let’s face it – she’s from the Valley and not Laguna! No more meals where the topic of conversation is silence! Audrina is breaking out, and we’re kinda psyched for her. As for where she’s going – we’re sure it involves Justin Bobby, a motorcycle, and a ridiculous pad no one her age – or with her job of half-assed interning at a music label – could really afford. She should probably thank Lauren before she leaves. [Us. Photo: WireImage]

by (@katespencer)

Heidi Montag Wants Orphans, But Do They Want Her?

Yesterday was Heidi Montag‘s 72nd 22nd birthday, and how did she choose to celebrate? By sending chills down the spines of orphans everywhere. While discussing the possibility of having children sired by her man-beast Spencer Pratt, she told Ryan Seacreast on his radio show, “I want, like, four. Maybe I’ll adopt 10. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa.”

Here’s the thing poor Heidi doesn’t realize – those kids are not going to want to live in her palace of plastic and blank stares. She can’t even save her friendship with programmed robot Lauren Conrad, how could she possibly improve the lives of kids? If she intends to head down the road of charity and goodwill, she could start by getting rid of her scary shoe collection. Not only do those things look more like weapons of war than comforting footwear, the money they cost could probably feed some kid for years. Priorities, Heidi. That’s what turning 72 22 is all about. [Us. Photos: WireImage]

by (@katespencer)

Heidi Montag Has Her Cake And Eats It Too

Happy staged birthday, Heidi Montag. It must have been kinda sad to know in advance what gifts you were getting – a new purse and YSL ankle booties, OMG! – but you fake it so well. We consider your acting skills to be a birthday gift – to us. Also, that’s a pretty tall glass of champagne there. We know it takes a substantial amount of booze to stomach looking at Spencer, but check yourself before you wreck yourself (anymore than you already have).

[Photos: Pacific Coast News]

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The 20 Douchiest Photos of Brody Jenner

Let us take a moment to break down Brody Jenner:

  • Trucker hat from 2002.
  • Giant sunglasses.
  • Constant use of the words “bro” and “dude.”
  • Monster-sized tattoo of his last name blaring from his chest.
  • Fingers permanently stuck in the peace sign formation, even though he’s most interested in getting a piece of ass.

Brody Jenner - who yes, has the most beautiful eyes in the world – has become the poster boy for all things douche, as exhibited in the photographic evidence we’ve gathered below. The son of Olympian Bruce Jenner and step-brother to Kim Kardashian, Brody is not just famous for doing nothing – he’s famous for doing celebrity chicks: Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie and Lauren Conrad, to name a few. Hills fans may know him as the vapid hunk who stole Lauren’s heart and then broke it by making out with her friend, Jen Bunney. And while he did exhibit some mental clarity in dumping Spencer Pratt as a sidekick, his constant high-fiving and girl-macking still makes our stomachs curl. As if that wasn’t enough, Brody has landed his own show on MTV called Bromance, of course, in which a bunch of guys will battle it out for a spot in Brody’s clique. We have a feeling the losers will be much better off than the winner of the show – but in case they’re not convinced, here are twenty good reasons not to become bros with Brody.

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[Photos: WireImage, Getty Images]

by (@katespencer)

Lauren Conrad To Write Most Boring Books Ever

Thought your brain couldn’t get any mushier? Think again. Lauren Conrad – she of the blank stare and the solid track record of losing friends – has signed on to “write” three books that are basically just about her blessed existence in Hollywood. “It’s definitely influenced by my own life,” she told People. “The books are about a girl who moves to L.A. and stars in a reality show, so obviously there are some similarities.”

Some? It’s The Hills for book nerds (do these exist anymore?). Lauren promises that people from her real life will not be mocked or mirrored in the series, claiming, “Some of the characters may symbolize people in my life, but it is in no way calling anyone out.” That asshole character named Fencer is purely crafted from the empty, dark cavern that is Lauren’s imagination.

Confidential to Lauren: You can’t write this book on your Blackberry, FYI. You need to use something called a computer. Yes! It’s the big, white thing you sat in front of at the Teen Vogue office for three years. [People. Photo: Getty Images]

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Heidi And Spencer To Open Bar In NYC

Update: Spencer denies opening bar in NYC

Uh oh …first Whitney Port was asked to go bi-coastal for her job on The Hills and now Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are East-Coast bound, too. W magazine spills the beans that Speidi was spotted scoping out locations in New York City to open “an upscale sports lounge” where dudes can feel comfortable ordering for their ladies while simultaneously preparing to take over the world.

The pair settled on Murray Hill, otherwise known as Manhattan’s premier neigh-bro-hood, where recent white-hatted college grads and the trendoid gals who love them often settle. The spot, cleverly called The Hill, replaces Dip, an all-fondue restaurant, whose website isn’t even taken down yet. Though Dip no longer occupies the space, we’re sure it will still be cheesy.