The Hills

by (@hallekiefer)

Heidi Montag’s Giant Cartoon Boobs Limit Her Ability to Exercise, Fame-Whore

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Much like her husband and her own lack of self-esteem, now Heidi Montag’s breast implants are ruining her life too. Says Montag about her massive assets, “I feel trapped in my own body.  I’m desperate to go back to normal’” a complaint common among people who have had their bodies replaced by plastic mannequin parts.

After her last surgery, Heidi’s future boob job plans included amping up her figure even further from her current insane G-cup, with the goal being to eventually bolt an H to her A- cup frame. Since then Montag has apparently come to realize the downside to having such side show-esque proportions. Says Heidi, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”

When Heidi says “heartbreaking,” she means her implants might literally break her heart if she uses a bench press wrong.  Says Montag, “I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.” Just a petite DD, thanks. She doesn’t want to look like a crazy person!  We just hope Heidi learned her lesson that bigger doesn’t always mean better; it often means chronic back pain. Oh, and always save the receipt.  [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi Montag Realizes She’s All Alone, Reaches Out To Ex-BFF’s

Now that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt‘s divorce is final, the body-formally-known-as Heidi has realized she has a big Pratt-shaped hole in her life.  And she’s left reminiscing how her ex loved fame more than he loved her.

So what does she have left? She’s alienated her family (calling the cops on your Mom will do that). No friends either. Lauren Conrad and Heidi, once BFF, are no more. Even ex sister-in-law Stephanie Pratt doesn’t speak to her. So poor Heidi now has all that extra boob and no one to appreciate it.

In a move that reeks of desperation, she’s resorted to reaching out to her old Hills co-stars LC and Audrina Patridge in an attempt to erase all the Spencer years. She tweeted, “watching old hills i miss you @AudrinaPatridge and most of all @laurenconrad.”

Don’t hold your breath, Heidi-hon.

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Spencer Pratt Admits He’s A Fame Whore

Another day, another douchey soundbite from Spencer Pratt. The World’s Worst Person (Crystal-Carrying Division) talked to People magazine about his breakup from Heidi Montag and claims that their marriage failed because he cherished his “fame” too much. (We use quotes because we think being famous is something very different from being universally reviled.)

“We love each other but I’m a famewhore and I’ll never grow out of it,” Spencer said. “[Heidi] knows that and doesn’t want that. I want every kind of press. She believes in bad press. There’s no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully. She just wants to hike and hang out and be calmer.” Dare we say we actually  think Heidi sounds like she actually has some of her sh*t together if that’s really true? Girl’s got a decent head on her scooped-out and surgically enhanced shoulders.

Pratt said the relationship crapped out after Heidi realized that Spencer was never going to change his dickish ways. “She thought I’d burn out of this, but no, I’m still the same Spencer who went on The Hills to be famous. I still need to do stunts and take cues from Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.” You guys know famous cyber-crime fighting reality whores Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, don’t you? As obnoxious as Spencer and this interview are, at least he makes Heidi sound human. And that’s about the nicest compliment Spencer is capable of.

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Spencer Pratt Scared Hills Castmates And Security At Inception Premiere

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Spencer Pratt was not on the guest list at The Hills finale party and had to crash it dressed as an old hobo Santa, which is insane, but pretty much what we expect of him. Lauren Conrad however, was allegedly so fearful that Spencer would crash and do something even more drastic or dangerous, that The NY Daily News is reporting that she brought a Taser with her to the party just in case he pulled some funny business. Honestly, we know The Hills is full of phonies and manufactured melodrama, but in the case of the ever-volatile Spencer, we don’t think LC’s accessory is an overreaction. Spencer’s publicist has clearly drunk the Pratt Kool-Aid as well, because he explained that Spencer wore the old-man beard because “When your life is edited into one-minute segments, that’s what you look like in the end.” Right.

After the finale party and still dressed like a hillbilly, Spencer and throngs of his followers (fans? could it be?) tried to get in to the Inception premiere party being held across the street. They were denied access by security to that event as well. Congrats on dodging that bullet, cast of Inception.

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[Photos: Splash News Online]

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The Hills Retires On Crazy, Classy Note

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The Hills may be dead, but last night’s farewell party was alive with fabulous Cali girls, as well as a whackjob party crasher. MTV threw a bash at the Roosevelt Hotel as the series finale aired, and Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge, Whitney Port, and Kristin Cavallari looked predictably hot, freshly spray-tanned, and as fashionable as ever. Audrina rocked a curve-hugging magenta mini, LC went backless in a short glitzy gown, Kristin donned a flattering Zuhair Murad cocktail dress, and Whitney wore a colorful frock with some to-die-for sandals. We weren’t crazy about Lo Bosworth‘s matronly look, Stephanie Pratt‘s boring blue Herve Leger, or Holly Montag‘s frumpy feathered number.

While both the finale (with the exception of the Earth-shattering but expected ending) and The After Show were relatively tame and drama-free, what would the Hills be without a dash of Spencer Pratt‘s trademark insanity? Pratt was denied a room at the Roosevelt, so he had a friend book one, and sans estranged wife Heidi, walked around the premises with a video camera, while dressed up as a methhead mountain man. Totally normal behavior.

Spencer’s always been a hateful jerk, but his rate of marble losing has increased exponentially since the start of The Hills. Check out how the Hills cast has changed and where we predict they’re headed. [Source: People; Photos: Getty Images]

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The Hills Cast’s Sexy (And Scary) Transformation From Plastic To Plastic-er

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Try not to use up all of your available tissues either from tears of joy or sadness that tonight marks the end of MTV’s reality series The Hills. At (most) times the antics that took place on The Hills have been nothing short of a baffling clusterf*ck, which is precisely why we want to pay homage to drama-filled show.

Nothing says “you’ve come a long way, crazies!” like remembering The Hills cast at the start of the show. You know, back when they were innocent, fresh-faced, somewhat civil and free from breast implants. Oh, the good ol’ days. Check out the gallery below to peep their transformations from Season 1 to tonight’s series finale. Where will they end up once MTV pulls the plug on their scripted fantasy world? Only time – and rehab – will tell.

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Kristin Cavallari’s New Boyfriend Is A Hills Cameraman

Forget the dramz of Justin Bobby and Brody Jenner, Kristin Cavallari‘s latest relationship is not going to be filmed for the cameras. Ironically, it’s with the guy doing the filming.

Cavallari confirmed on Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show that she’s actually dating Miguel Medina, a cameraman for The Hills. Cavallari explained “That’s not part of the show. Yeah, I’m dating [Miguel] and that all I’m going to say about that.” Except that wasn’t all she had to say, adding “Well, you’re together all the time, and it just sorta happens.”

So is this going to result in the most stylized, well-shot sex tape to come from a reality star, or what?

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A Marriage Remembered: The 20 Cheesiest Moments Of The Speidi Romance

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With the announcement of Heidi Montag‘s legal separation from Spencer Pratt, we here at TheFABlife are mourning not only the deterioration of their one-year marriage, but also the end of an onslaught of cringe-inducing, ridiculously over-staged pictures that captured the most absurd moments of their relationship. 

From fondling puppies to frolicking in the ocean, the two The Hills stars gave us a bevy of surgically enhanced Kodak moments that consistently made us want to vomit. Now that the marriage is over, we no longer will open the “Stars: Just Like Us” pages of UsWeekly to find these photos of fantastical fame-whoring; at least not until, if the fake break up rumors are true, they find a television show that will air their surely overdramatic reunion. For now, we will just hold on to these top twenty cheesiest photo-ops of the Speidi romance.

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Style Wars: The Hills Have Sparkling Eyes

Rocking no small amount of glitz, Audrina Patridge and Stephanie Pratt showed up nice and early to the MTV Movie Awards. Audrina flaunted her nape tattoo in a high-sheen, slinky dress with some heavy metal sandals. Spencer Pratt‘s less-insane sister went with a neon number, black pumps, and pin-straight locks. Which Hills look do you prefer? [Photos: Getty Images]

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Roommate All But Admits Speidi’s Split Is Fake

Heidi Montag might have wanted to sell her planned reality show before letting roommate and fellow Hills exile Jennifer Bunney speak to the press about it. Talking to Us about Heidi’s split from husband Spencer Pratt, Bunney sounds less like a concerned friend discussing a potential divorce than a shill hawking the next season of a TV drama—which she basically is! “They were waiting for The Hills to be over to split. Now she doesn’t have to pretend,” said Bunney, not explaining why splitting on the old show would be “pretending” while splitting now would be “real.” Bunney also says Spencer’s reaction to Heidi’s departure “will be a big aspect of our show.” Gentlemanly of him to let his ex film his alleged heartbreak, isn’t it? Then again, Spencer’s producing the show!

Us‘ anonymous sources—like all the others discussing Heidi’s “alone time”—are even less discreet. “Heidi and Spencer are laughing over [the gossip] and having a blast,” says one. “This breakup is the latest part of Spencer’s master plan,” says another. But will a network sign on for their puppet show if the strings are already showing? Still, we’ll be bummed if their drama—fake or not—doesn’t make it on to TV. Crazy like a fox is still crazy!

[Photo: .com]