Pigs have officially grown wings. The sky has officially fallen. Taylor Momsen has officially wiped off her racoon-eyeliner and started dressing like a nun. The Situation has officially vowed never to take off his shirt again. Snooki officially, for real,has stopped drinking.
What could have brought on events of such earth shattering proportions? What could have bent all the known laws of the universe? Y’all have heard of parallel universes, right? An alternative reality is a self-contained separate reality coexisting with one’s own “real” reality. In this case, Twitter, or the Twitterverse fits the bill. Anything can happen here, even things that are totally inverse to a normal existence. Case in point: Kanye West apologizing to Taylor Swift. Or the “ego that beats all egos” apologizes to country cutie.
Now we’ll probably never know what led to this because to read ‘Nye’s mind is to akin to deciphering Paula Abdul‘s ramblings on American Idol (we miss you, Paula!) All we have are the facts. And these are on Kanye’s Twitter account amounting to an hour and a half long rant. Which contained gems like this tweet, “I’m ready to get out of my own way. The ego is overdone… it’s like hoodies.” Or this tweet, “These tweets have no manager, no publicist , no grammar checking… this is raw.”
Obvs, the fact that the VMA’s are coming up on Sunday the 12th means that he knows that we’re wondering if he’s going to go banana split up on stage again. We’re guessing he wants the world to know that he hasn’t got any crazy left. Look at this tweet, “Beyonce didn’t need that. MTV didn’t need that and Taylor and her family friends and fans definitely didn’t want or need that.”
And after many, many, many messages, the final message he tweeted was this, “I’m sorry Taylor.” Remorse drives us to do funny things. And then we have to apologize for them. Circle of life, dudes….circle of life.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Now that Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab, she’s slowly and steadily getting back to business. And by that we mean doing normal every day, routine activities like hopping into a Maserati to pick up a friend at midnight. More importantly, she’s back on Twitter! Which shows all is well in the universe again.
Her account was looking most forlorn with the last message clocking in on July 20. And then yesterday, more than a month later, we had a tweet, people! Her first message was dedicated to her favorite frenemies, the papparazzi. She tweeted, “Clearly.. Paparazzi shouldn’t be allowed to take pictures or video while someone’s driving or at a stop light. 4every1′s sake #trafficpolice”
Get used to these public service gems, because our Lindsay is now a law-abiding citizen who cares about people’s feelings. It’s a beautiful thing.
[Photo: Getty Images]
In a move that suggests he should be featured on a very special episode of Divas Live, Kanye West has once again ripped the mic out of the music industry’s hand and shouted his genius in our collective faces. His latest project? G.O.O.D. Fridays, a project requiring that Kanye release a new song a week until Christmas.
Tweets His West-ness, “I know y’all need the music so I’m dropping 1 new song every weekend until Xmas.” Wow, and here we are, barely able to make sure we have enough clean underwear for the week. He tweets about staying up with collaborator Swizz Beatz: “Swizz looked at me the other night and said, ‘Man are you getting sleep?’ And I told him, ‘I can’t sleep … my people need this new music.’”
ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Kanye West for you. He might not sleep, eat, maintain an acceptable level of hygiene, or recognize the difference between his waking or dream-life, but dangÃ‚Â if he is not prolific!
Luckily for Kanye’s sanity (and that of his Twitter followers), not all of the songs will be strictly Kanye originals. Explained West, Ã¢â‚¬Å“It may be my song, it may be a new Jay song, etc.” The G.O.O.D. songs he’s already released have include a Jay-Z remix of West’s “Power,” and West’s own Justin Bieber and Raekwon remix. We’re glad he’s giving himself at least something of a break. Put that kind of pressure on a man, and next thing you know Kanye’ll be wearing Louis Vuitton Kleenex boxes on his feet and storing jars of urine around the house. Unless heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s already doing that, in which case we say, let an artist work!
Paris Hilton had a frightening morning today. The starlet Tweeted earlier “So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting him” and posted the photo seen here. You can clearly see a bunch of policemen at her home, apparently taking turns sitting in her driveway armchair discussing perps and donuts.
So, look, we know that Twitter is Twitter and people make grammar mistakes all the time and we’re certainly not perfect, but it made us sad to see that Paris actually wrote “2 big knifes” in her tweet. We’re glad she’s okay (wait, are we?) but we kind of have a feeling that this isn’t poor grammar, Paris just thinks the plural of knife is knifes. She’s not known for her smarts, is the thing. It’s sad to think that all those millions of dollars at her disposal were spent at Kitson instead of kollege. Sorry, we mean collage. Whatever. Hey, let’s go tanning!
[Photo: Paris Hilton TwitPic]
Katharine McPhee had an accident last weekend, when someone hit her car while she was stopped at a red light. The American Idol starlet had policemen and fireman rushing to her aid and she voiced her appreciate by tweeting all about it, of course.
She wrote: “Just had a lovely experience at the local Sherman oaks hospital. Was hit from behind pretty dang hard. My one regret was not wearing…” she continued in a second tweet, “Makeup today because all the fireman & policeman were sooooo hott! And sweet! I will be ok. Soar [sic] but ok.”
Nothing like some hot TLC to make you feel better.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Sorry, Britney Spears, but Lady Gaga has you beat once again. Gaga now holds the title of most-followed person on Twitter with over 5.7 million fans following her. Gaga usurped the title from Britney this weekend – guess even an appearance on Glee couldn’t boost her Twitter love. Gaga posted a hilarious “inaugural message” to her account on Saturday night addressing all her little monster-followers from her dressing room and wishing us well as she waved a magic Twitter-wand.
Remember the days when Ashton Kutcher was the most famous Twitter user? Back then, Gaga was barely a glimmer in anyone’s eye. Amazing how two years can change everything. Congratulations, Queen Gaga, on getting one step closer to being the next Oprah and making Ashton more obsolete than ever!
Joan Rivers is old. This is a fact. And no amount of plastic surgery can conceal this. A rather telling sign of age is memory loss, which is what the comedienne is apparently going. Remember her Twitter battle with Lindsay Lohan? The claws really came out in that one and Joan even offered to pay Lohan’s rehab bill. Which, FYI, we totally wish Lindsay had accepted because it would have been so much fun watching Joan backpedal out of that one.
Joan, like before, has taken to her Twitter account to push some old, tired Lindsay Lohan ‘jokes’. She’s trying desperately to be funny tweeting, “ ATTENTION!!! Lindsay Lohan cannot tweet from rehab, but (don’t ask me how) she sends me secret messages, which I will tweet for all of you!”
And then she went on a roll with classics like:
Lindsay, obvs, can’t respond because she’s in rehab. Pick on someone who can actually give it back to you, Joan.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Kim Kardashian is arguably one of the most active and most popular celebs on Twitter with over four million followers. One follower, however, is not like the rest. Nope, it’s not one of the hormonal 13-year-old Justin Bieber fans that tweet death threats to Kim because of her friendship with Justin; the reality show starlet just takes those in stride. He’s a stalker, who Fox News reports is currently making it impossible for not only Kim to ignore, but her new boyfriend Miles Austin and sister Khloe Kardashian.
According to E! Online, Kim obtained a restraining order against Dennis Shaun Bowman six months ago. The restraining order document that Kim and her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley (yup, that’s Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer too!) put together last February stated that this creep cannot contact her in any way until 2013. Evidently, he did not comprehend that one simple detail in a restraining order that says NO contact because he has been incessantly tweeting to Kim, Miles and Khloe.
Not that we expect anything different, but what a stupid stalker!Ã‚Â Shawn and Kim are thankfully taking this situation very seriously. Shawn recently told E! News, “Law enforcement has been very involved in this matter from the start and we are speaking with the detective familiar with the case to determine appropriate next steps.”