Stop trying to Ã‚Â get in touch withÃ‚Â Steven Holmes, okay? He’s going off the grid,Ã‚Â tweeting, “I won’t be speaking to anybody else, surprisingly not everyone wants to be famous. That’s all I’m saying – peace out x.” Do not pester him for anymore interviews either, because his Twitter announced with great finality, “Just to clarify, I mean I won’t be speaking to any more press/journalists.” We’re hurt, but point taken.
Who the f**k is Steven Holmes and why’s he throwing such major ‘tude?
Steven Holmes was your average, everyday lad from Coventry, England. He woke up one day and found out thatÃ‚Â Kanye West was on Twitter. “Blimey, right on!” he thought, and added himself to ‘Nye’s many thousand followers.
And that’s when West bestowed the greatest gift and the biggest curse alike on his Holm-ie. He followed him right back.
Random dude from Queen Lizzie’s land is the only person Kanye West follows on his Twitter, which apparently ruined his life (well, at least his cyber life). Holmes became the target of so much instant attention, that the wee bloke wailed to the Coventry Telegraph, “I was like, ‘Oh my God!’ but about 20 seconds later I had 20 messages from people I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even know and my phone wouldn’t stop bleeping.” He’s had to duck out of Twitter, and has even deleted the app on his iPhone because the whole world and its grandma wants a piece of him.
Here’s a hash tag just for Kanye: #RandomlyMadeSomeoneMiserableTodayYay.
They are if you believe a report in today’s edition of The Sun! The paper claims that the pair, who have dated since March, plan to wed next January on a rooftop in New York. However, according to Eli Roth‘s Twitter feed, he knows nothing about an engagement, writing “It’s a good thing I follow myself on Twitter or I’d have never known I was engaged. I had no idea. Congrats?” So…maybe the rumors aren’t to be believed. Especially the part about a rooftop ceremony in New York in January. Hello, frozen Peaches!
Geldof is 21 and has already been married before – she and Max Drummey who is, hilariously, a drummer, got hitched when she was 19 and it lasted seven months. Roth, who has made films like Cabin Fever and Hostel is 38 and has never been married. And has no plans to be, it seems.
Do you prefer more caps lock and shout outs in your internet browsing? You’re in luck - Kanye West started a Twitter account. His first ever Tweet mentioned that he was taking some morning meetings in Silicon Valley – not something we’d normally pay attention to, except that said meetings were at the Facebook offices, and Kanye performed while standing on top of a conference table for a bunch of Facebook employees (how dare they get rewarded after making our lives miserable with all those site redesigns!). Lucky for us, the performances were posted on YouTube.
Kanye performed several songs off his upcoming album (which was going to be called Good Ass Job, but now according to his Twitter, will be renamed) without any backing tracks. They sound pretty good on their own – please, Kanye, please don’t AutoTune the crap out of them! Take a listen to all of them after the jump. Our favorite new lyric? “If you fall on the concrete, that’s your ass fault.”
“Rise and Shine, I’m blessing u with a nice morning view. Rolling out of bed is hard.” Thus spoke Coco, wife of Ice-T and owner of one of the most flaunted backsides of our generation, first thing yesterday morning when she greeted the world with a Twitter picture of her bare bottom. Poetry, no?
Coco has never been shy about showing off her ass(ets), and we’ve certainly never been shy about loving her for that, but this is certainly the most bare-naked view we’ve gotten. So, in honor of Coco’s way with words and her way with squats, we would like to present a haiku and retrospective look at some of her finest work, call it a “Rear In Review” if you will. It’s all for you, Coco.
My name isÃ‚Â Angelina Jolie. You may know me because of my brood of children-of-the-world. Or my ridiculously-hot-again partner, Brad Pitt (Photos). Just kidding, you know me because you love me. You see, I doÃ‚Â good,Ã‚Â people. I travel the world, meet refugees, give my money away to charity, and manage to look fantastic in every photo ever clicked of me. I don’t say this to make you feel bad. I would never do anything like that. It just is what it is. I am perfect. But I have decided to smile more, and not rub my genetics and superior demeanor in your face.
*Burst of maniacal laughter* Fooled you! Did you think I would make it that easy? Did you think you could just TWEET your 140-character babble to ME? Wrong, pets. @AngelinaJolie is locked. I’m not following anyone (as if!) and no one is following me (even though you’re dying to). I just wanted the name all to myself. You.Can’t.Have.It. And even if I do decide to “tweet” later in the year, when I possibly have the time, it’ll be all about charity and NGO’s and refugees. Got it?
It’s okay guys; it’s all going to be OKAY. Amanda Bynes is not actually retiring after all. Just a short month ago, Bynes tweeted that she was quitting the business of show, writing “I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it.” She also stated the obvious, saying “I know 24 is a young age to retire.”
You think so? Was it that you were the youngest person to buy a condo at Del Boca Vista that tipped you off? Now though, Bynes has changed her mind (again, she turned to the PR firm of Twitty And Fail-Whale to get the message out), writing “I’ve unretired.” By her standards anyone who has taken a honeymoon or a sabbatical has retired and then “unretired,” but okay. Fine.
So did she get super bored, the way our dad is now that he’s retired and has taken up guitar, harmonica and bass so that he can start a one-man band because he can’t sit around idly waiting for Oprah to come on at 4pm? Or maybe she just realized that What I Like About You money was going to run out sooner or later? Whatever the reason, like Michael Jordan before her, she has decided to retire from retirement and we can respect that she’s actually putting some effort into a career. In a world where most young starlets don’t bother with the illusion that they have jobs, it’s kinda nice. (God, our standards are so low). Welcome back to the rat race, Amanda!
Tsk tsk, Ice-T. What would Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’s Detective Fin Tutuola say about you breaking the law not once, but twice in one day? According to TMZ, rapper-turned-actor Ice-T was arrested in New York City earlier today after he was pulled over for apparently driving without wearing a seatbelt. Allegedly police then arrested him when they discovered he was driving with a suspended license. TMZ reports that he was taken to the city’s 10th Precinct and shortly released.
But at least the rapper-turned actor has someone to blame! Earlier this morning Ice-T tweeted that he was up early because, “@cutespartacus has to get knee surgery today.. It’s a simple operation that common for bulldogs. Still sucks. Wish him luck….” He also tweeted hours later confirming the arrest in his own way, “Some punk b*tch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 Made the arrest of his bullsh*t career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice T for no seatbelt.”
How can you not say, “Awww!” Good luck, Spartacus! And Ice-T, you’re forgiven. Just buckle up next time!
Call it “Sh*t My Kid Says”: Tori Spelling has started a Twitter account for her three-year-old son Liam where she transcribes the funny things the child says.Ã‚Â Ã‚Â The Twitter site is called LiamsWorld and so far, it contains pithy gems likeÃ‚Â ”My belly roars like a monster. It says MUST EAT LOLLIPOPS! Yum!” andÃ‚Â ”Mama, you’re Lady Gaga cause you have yellow hair and you are fancy!”
Look, it’s a well-known fact that kids really do say the darnedest things, and so far Liam’s tweets are cute, but we can’t help but feel like Twitter for a toddler is taking things too far, especially…well, especially when you’re Tori Spelling and already have books and reality shows about your life and now you’re taking even more privacy away from your defenseless kid. Little Liam is going to grow up thinking it’s expectedÃ‚Â that he write books with his name punnily inserted into the title (What would make a better first memoir? “One In A MillLIAM”, “LIAM La Vida Loca” or “LIAM? I Don’t Even Know Him!”) and that just by being an heir to the Spelling name, he has to stay in the spotlight or feud with his family to maintain his fame.
Wait, hang on. We thought of a few more titles for Liam’s possible autobiographies, guys. We can’t help it, it’s like Tori is willing this to happen. “iamLIAM”. “LIAM Me Alone!” “LIAM On Me, When You’re Not Strong” (obvs, a self-help guide) and the title he can use in case he gets involved with drugs “Somebody Hand Me My vaLIAM”. Of course, maybe we’re exaggerating just a little, but the kid already has 19,000 Twitter followers, so there’s clearly an audience for the tiny wordsmith.
That husband and wife duo have steadily been live-tweeting his recovery progress. We knew that he was out of the danger zone when Tori wrote on Twitter, “I said to @deanracer “Babe do u want anything?” He said ‘Oreo McFlurry! So his spirits are up despite all the pain.” We also know what Twilight team she’s on too, thanks to this tweet, “Rented New Moon for 2nite. Lonely w/o @deanracer. Just got home from hospital. Taco Bell and Team Edward!”
While it’s wonderful how the world is connected on the interwebs and all, there is something called Too. Much. Information. Dean wasn’t tweeting as much as much as his twittering wife, even while lying on a hospital bed… in pain. He tweeted, “OMG !!!!! My catheter is stuck and won’t come out. I’m waiting for the Doctor to get here and give it a try. Gotta be honest, I’m scared !!” followed by, “I had the worst night. Catheter cut me up coming out. Unbelievable pain. I got a fever of 104 and was throwing up. Fun, WOW !!!”
Memo to over-sharing celebs: forget Twitter, forget telling the world about your creepy private business and just focus on getting better.