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by (@missmuttoo)

Joan Rivers Forgets She’s Already Had A Twitter Feud With Lindsay Lohan

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Joan Rivers is old. This is a fact. And no amount of plastic surgery can conceal this. A rather telling sign of age is memory loss, which is what the comedienne is apparently going. Remember her Twitter battle with Lindsay Lohan? The claws really came out in that one and Joan even offered to pay Lohan’s rehab bill. Which, FYI, we totally wish Lindsay had accepted because it would have been so much fun watching Joan backpedal out of that one.

Joan, like before, has taken to her Twitter account to push some old, tired Lindsay Lohan ‘jokes’. She’s trying desperately to be funny tweeting, ” ATTENTION!!! Lindsay Lohan cannot tweet from rehab, but (don’t ask me how) she sends me secret messages, which I will tweet for all of you!”

And then she went on a roll with classics like:

  • “J-Ro: Plan to be outta here soon. Gonna shop, party and sleep in my own bed…as soon as I get this last bar off the window. Xo LL”
  • “J-Ro: SHHHH! I just paid $7000 for a Vicodin. But I dropped it and can’t find it. I’m really upset as I got it below market price here. LiLo “
  • “J-Ro: This rehab is a lot worse than the other seven I’ve been in. You can’t get ANY drugs here! Can you believe it? Suck-o! Lilo”

Lindsay, obvs, can’t respond because she’s in rehab. Pick on someone who can actually give it back to you, Joan.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Kim Kardashian’s Stalker Discovers Twitter

Kim Kardashian is arguably one of the most active and most popular celebs on Twitter with over four million followers. One follower, however, is not like the rest. Nope, it’s not one of the hormonal 13-year-old Justin Bieber fans that tweet death threats to Kim because of her friendship with Justin; the reality show starlet just takes those in stride. He’s a stalker, who Fox News reports is currently making it impossible for not only Kim to ignore, but her new boyfriend Miles Austin and sister Khloe Kardashian.

According to E! Online, Kim obtained a restraining order against Dennis Shaun Bowman six months ago. The restraining order document that Kim and her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley (yup, that’s Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer too!) put together last February stated that this creep cannot contact her in any way until 2013. Evidently, he did not comprehend that one simple detail in a restraining order that says NO contact because he has been incessantly tweeting to Kim, Miles and Khloe.

Not that we expect anything different, but what a stupid stalker!  Shawn and Kim are thankfully taking this situation very seriously. Shawn recently told E! News, “Law enforcement has been very involved in this matter from the start and we are speaking with the detective familiar with the case to determine appropriate next steps.”

by (@missmuttoo)

Kanye West Follows A Random Dude On Twitter And Makes His Life Hell

Stop trying to  get in touch with Steven Holmes, okay? He’s going off the grid,  tweeting, “I won’t be speaking to anybody else, surprisingly not everyone wants to be famous. That’s all I’m saying – peace out x.” Do not pester him for anymore interviews either, because his Twitter announced with great finality, “Just to clarify, I mean I won’t be speaking to any more press/journalists.” We’re hurt, but point taken.

Who the f**k is Steven Holmes and why’s he throwing such major ‘tude?

Steven Holmes was your average, everyday lad from Coventry, England. He woke up one day and found out that Kanye West was on Twitter. “Blimey, right on!” he thought, and added himself to ‘Nye’s many thousand followers.

And that’s when West bestowed the greatest gift and the biggest curse alike on his Holm-ie. He followed him right back.

Random dude from Queen Lizzie’s land is the only person Kanye West follows on his Twitter, which apparently ruined his life (well, at least his cyber life). Holmes became the target of so much instant attention, that the wee bloke wailed to the Coventry Telegraph, “I was like, ‘Oh my God!’ but about 20 seconds later I had 20 messages from people I didn’t even know and my phone wouldn’t stop bleeping.” He’s had to duck out of Twitter, and has even deleted the app on his iPhone because the whole world and its grandma wants a piece of him.

Here’s a hash tag just for Kanye: #RandomlyMadeSomeoneMiserableTodayYay.

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Are Peaches Geldof And Eli Roth Engaged?

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They are if you believe a report in today’s edition of The Sun! The paper claims that the pair, who have dated since March, plan to wed next January on a rooftop in New York. However, according to Eli Roth‘s Twitter feed, he knows nothing about an engagement, writing “It’s a good thing I follow myself on Twitter or I’d have never known I was engaged. I had no idea. Congrats?” So…maybe the rumors aren’t to be believed. Especially the part about a rooftop ceremony in New York in January. Hello, frozen Peaches!

Geldof is 21 and has already been married before – she and Max Drummey who is, hilariously, a drummer, got hitched when she was 19 and it lasted seven months. Roth, who has made films like Cabin Fever and Hostel is 38 and has never been married. And has no plans to be, it seems.

[Photo: WEEN]

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Kanye Takes Over The Internet Today

Do you prefer more caps lock and shout outs in your internet browsing? You’re in luck - Kanye West started a Twitter account. His first ever Tweet mentioned that he was taking some morning meetings in Silicon Valley – not something we’d normally pay attention to, except that said meetings were at the Facebook offices, and Kanye performed while standing on top of a conference table for a bunch of Facebook employees (how dare they get rewarded after making our lives miserable with all those site redesigns!). Lucky for us, the performances were posted on YouTube.

Kanye performed several songs off his upcoming album (which was going to be called Good Ass Job, but now according to his Twitter, will be renamed) without any backing tracks. They sound pretty good on their own – please, Kanye, please don’t AutoTune the crap out of them! Take a listen to all of them after the jump. Our favorite new lyric? “If you fall on the concrete, that’s your ass fault.”

Read more…

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Coco: A Poetic Butt Pictorial

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“Rise and Shine, I’m blessing u with a nice morning view. Rolling out of bed is hard.” Thus spoke Coco, wife of Ice-T and owner of one of the most flaunted backsides of our generation, first thing yesterday morning when she greeted the world with a Twitter picture of her bare bottom. Poetry, no?

Coco has never been shy about showing off her ass(ets), and we’ve certainly never been shy about loving her for that, but this is certainly the most bare-naked view we’ve gotten. So, in honor of Coco’s way with words and her way with squats, we would like to present a haiku and retrospective look at some of her finest work, call it a “Rear In Review” if you will. It’s all for you, Coco.

It’s Coco’s World, we

just live in it. No ifs, ands

or giant, round butts.

View Photo Gallery

[Photo: Coco's World]

by (@missmuttoo)

Angelina’s On Twitter, But She Doesn’t Want To Tweet With You

Hello, people of Planet Earth,

My name is Angelina Jolie. You may know me because of my brood of children-of-the-world. Or my ridiculously-hot-again partner, Brad Pitt (Photos). Just kidding, you know me because you love me. You see, I do good, people. I travel the world, meet refugees, give my money away to charity, and manage to look fantastic in every photo ever clicked of me. I don’t say this to make you feel bad. I would never do anything like that. It just is what it is. I am perfect. But I have decided to smile more, and not rub my genetics and superior demeanor in your face.

I have written this open letter to inform you that I too have become a twit, just like you. I, Angelina Jolie, am now on Twitter.

*Burst of maniacal laughter* Fooled you! Did you think I would make it that easy? Did you think you could just TWEET your 140-character babble to ME? Wrong, pets. @AngelinaJolie is locked. I’m not following anyone (as if!) and no one is following me (even though you’re dying to). I just wanted the name all to myself. You.Can’t.Have.It. And even if I do decide to “tweet” later in the year, when I possibly have the time, it’ll be all about charity and NGO’s and refugees. Got it?

Yours peacefully,

Saint Angelina

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Sometimes When You Say “Retire” What You Really Mean Is “Vacation”

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It’s okay guys; it’s all going to be OKAY. Amanda Bynes is not actually retiring after all. Just a short month ago, Bynes tweeted that she was quitting the business of show, writing “I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it.” She also stated the obvious, saying “I know 24 is a young age to retire.”

You think so? Was it that you were the youngest person to buy a condo at Del Boca Vista that tipped you off? Now though, Bynes has changed her mind (again, she turned to the PR firm of Twitty And Fail-Whale to get the message out), writing “I’ve unretired.” By her standards anyone who has taken a honeymoon or a sabbatical has retired and then “unretired,” but okay. Fine.

So did she get super bored, the way our dad is now that he’s retired and has taken up guitar, harmonica and bass so that he can start a one-man band because he can’t sit around idly waiting for Oprah to come on at 4pm? Or maybe she just realized that What I Like About You money was going to run out sooner or later?  Whatever the reason, like Michael Jordan before her, she has decided to retire from retirement and we can respect that she’s actually putting some effort into a career. In a world where most young starlets don’t bother with the illusion that they have jobs, it’s kinda nice. (God, our standards are so low). Welcome back to the rat race, Amanda!

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Ice-T’s Puppy Love Gets Him Arrested

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Tsk tsk, Ice-T. What would Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’s Detective Fin Tutuola say about you breaking the law not once, but twice in one day? According to TMZ, rapper-turned-actor Ice-T was arrested in New York City earlier today after he was pulled over for apparently driving without wearing a seatbelt. Allegedly police then arrested him  when they discovered he was driving with a suspended license. TMZ reports that he was taken to the city’s 10th Precinct and shortly released.

But at least the rapper-turned actor has someone to blame! Earlier this morning Ice-T tweeted that he was up early because, “@cutespartacus has to get knee surgery today.. It’s a simple operation that common for bulldogs. Still sucks. Wish him luck….” He also tweeted hours later confirming the arrest in his own way, “Some punk b*tch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 Made the arrest of his bullsh*t career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice T for no seatbelt.”

How can you not say, “Awww!” Good luck, Spartacus! And Ice-T, you’re forgiven. Just buckle up next time!

[Photo: Getty Images]