Twitter

by (@missmuttoo)

Angelina’s On Twitter, But She Doesn’t Want To Tweet With You

Hello, people of Planet Earth,

My name is Angelina Jolie. You may know me because of my brood of children-of-the-world. Or my ridiculously-hot-again partner, Brad Pitt (Photos). Just kidding, you know me because you love me. You see, I do good, people. I travel the world, meet refugees, give my money away to charity, and manage to look fantastic in every photo ever clicked of me. I don’t say this to make you feel bad. I would never do anything like that. It just is what it is. I am perfect. But I have decided to smile more, and not rub my genetics and superior demeanor in your face.

I have written this open letter to inform you that I too have become a twit, just like you. I, Angelina Jolie, am now on Twitter.

*Burst of maniacal laughter* Fooled you! Did you think I would make it that easy? Did you think you could just TWEET your 140-character babble to ME? Wrong, pets. @AngelinaJolie is locked. I’m not following anyone (as if!) and no one is following me (even though you’re dying to). I just wanted the name all to myself. You.Can’t.Have.It. And even if I do decide to “tweet” later in the year, when I possibly have the time, it’ll be all about charity and NGO’s and refugees. Got it?

Yours peacefully,

Saint Angelina

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Sometimes When You Say “Retire” What You Really Mean Is “Vacation”

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It’s okay guys; it’s all going to be OKAY. Amanda Bynes is not actually retiring after all. Just a short month ago, Bynes tweeted that she was quitting the business of show, writing “I don’t love acting anymore, so I’ve stopped doing it.” She also stated the obvious, saying “I know 24 is a young age to retire.”

You think so? Was it that you were the youngest person to buy a condo at Del Boca Vista that tipped you off? Now though, Bynes has changed her mind (again, she turned to the PR firm of Twitty And Fail-Whale to get the message out), writing “I’ve unretired.” By her standards anyone who has taken a honeymoon or a sabbatical has retired and then “unretired,” but okay. Fine.

So did she get super bored, the way our dad is now that he’s retired and has taken up guitar, harmonica and bass so that he can start a one-man band because he can’t sit around idly waiting for Oprah to come on at 4pm? Or maybe she just realized that What I Like About You money was going to run out sooner or later?  Whatever the reason, like Michael Jordan before her, she has decided to retire from retirement and we can respect that she’s actually putting some effort into a career. In a world where most young starlets don’t bother with the illusion that they have jobs, it’s kinda nice. (God, our standards are so low). Welcome back to the rat race, Amanda!

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Ice-T’s Puppy Love Gets Him Arrested

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Tsk tsk, Ice-T. What would Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’s Detective Fin Tutuola say about you breaking the law not once, but twice in one day? According to TMZ, rapper-turned-actor Ice-T was arrested in New York City earlier today after he was pulled over for apparently driving without wearing a seatbelt. Allegedly police then arrested him  when they discovered he was driving with a suspended license. TMZ reports that he was taken to the city’s 10th Precinct and shortly released.

But at least the rapper-turned actor has someone to blame! Earlier this morning Ice-T tweeted that he was up early because, “@cutespartacus has to get knee surgery today.. It’s a simple operation that common for bulldogs. Still sucks. Wish him luck….” He also tweeted hours later confirming the arrest in his own way, “Some punk b*tch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 Made the arrest of his bullsh*t career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice T for no seatbelt.”

How can you not say, “Awww!” Good luck, Spartacus! And Ice-T, you’re forgiven. Just buckle up next time!

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Tori Spelling’s 3-Year-Old Is On Twitter

Call it “Sh*t My Kid Says”: Tori Spelling has started a Twitter account for her three-year-old son Liam where she transcribes the funny things the child says.  The Twitter site is called LiamsWorld and so far, it contains pithy gems like “My belly roars like a monster. It says MUST EAT LOLLIPOPS! Yum!” and “Mama, you’re Lady Gaga cause you have yellow hair and you are fancy!”

Look, it’s a well-known fact that kids really do say the darnedest things, and so far Liam’s tweets are cute, but we can’t help but feel like Twitter for a toddler is taking things too far, especially…well, especially when you’re Tori Spelling and already have books and reality shows about your life and now you’re taking even more privacy away from your defenseless kid. Little Liam is going to grow up thinking it’s expected that he write books with his name punnily inserted into the title (What would make a better first memoir? “One In A MillLIAM”, “LIAM La Vida Loca” or “LIAM? I Don’t Even Know Him!”) and that just by being an heir to the Spelling name, he has to stay in the spotlight or feud with his family to maintain his fame.

Wait, hang on. We thought of a few more titles for Liam’s possible autobiographies, guys. We can’t help it, it’s like Tori is willing this to happen. “iamLIAM”. “LIAM Me Alone!” “LIAM On Me, When You’re Not Strong” (obvs, a self-help guide) and the title he can use in case he gets involved with drugs “Somebody Hand Me My vaLIAM”. Of course, maybe we’re exaggerating just a little, but the kid already has 19,000 Twitter followers, so there’s clearly an audience for the tiny wordsmith.

by (@missmuttoo)

Tori And Dean Tweet TMI About Catheters and Twilight Crushes

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Dean McDermott has recovered from the motorcycle crash which had him in the ICU with a punctured and collapsed lung. Mr. Tori Spelling left the hospital yesterday in the afternoon, with his wife Tori Spelling tweeting, “We R SO happy tht @deanracer is finally home from hospital! The kids and I picked him up this afternoon. We R all in bed now while he rests.”

That husband and wife duo have steadily been live-tweeting his recovery progress. We knew that he was out of the danger zone when Tori wrote on Twitter, “I said to @deanracer “Babe do u want anything?” He said ‘Oreo McFlurry! So his spirits are up despite all the pain.” We also know what Twilight team she’s on too, thanks to this tweet, “Rented New Moon for 2nite. Lonely w/o @deanracer. Just got home from hospital. Taco Bell and Team Edward!”

While it’s wonderful how the world is connected on the interwebs and all, there is something called Too. Much. Information. Dean wasn’t tweeting as much as much as his twittering wife,  even while lying on a hospital bed… in pain. He tweeted, “OMG !!!!! My catheter is stuck and won’t come out. I’m waiting for the Doctor to get here and give it a try. Gotta be honest, I’m scared !!” followed by, “I had the worst night. Catheter cut me up coming out. Unbelievable pain. I got a fever of 104 and was throwing up. Fun, WOW !!!”

Memo to over-sharing celebs: forget Twitter, forget telling the world about your creepy private business and just focus on getting better.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Trace Cyrus Says Ashley Tisdale Is The “Worst Person I’ve Met”

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Trace Cyrus has been our favorite member of the Cyrus family ever since we first saw him on the red carpet, posing with his family. Miley‘s older brother clearly marches to the beat of his own drum and doesn’t care about starting beefs with anyone, not even if they’re part of the same Disney family that gave Miley her start.

Trace appears to be in a feud with High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale, as evidence by a couple of harsh tweets he posted about the actress. He wrote yesterday “I’ve met and know a bunch of celebrities. By for the worst person I’ve met in my life is Ashley Tisdale. I’ve never had someone who dosnt know me AT ALL make up so many rumors and bullshit about me. You don’t even know me b*tch.” The tweets appear to be unprovoked as we can’t find any quotes, fake or real, from Ashley about Trace. We’re wondering what could have gotten Trace so riled up, and anxiously await Tisdale’s response. Trace’s Twitter is fairly entertaining though regardless of the feuds he’s engaged in. He talks about celebrities, UFO’s and daily affirmations – in a way he’s like a more clear-headed Spencer Pratt – enjoyable to read but without the spiritual crystals and violent outbursts.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Emma Roberts Terrorized On Twitter For Being On Team Jacob

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Emma Roberts has learned a valuable lesson this week: Don’t mess with Twi-hards, especially those on Team Edward. Don’t taunt them, don’t antagonize them, and especially don’t do it while seated next to Robert Pattinson. See, earlier this week, Roberts and Pattinson appeared as guests on The Tonight Show, and when Jay Leno asked Roberts her preference between Edward or Jacob, Roberts responded that she was Team Jacob. Pattinson jokingly responded back “You’ve just revealed yourself to have absolutely no taste,” cue a few more playful barbs back and forth, end of story, right? Eh, not so much.

Roberts Tweeted about Pattinson later, writing “Rob Pattinson is so nice! I was slightly disappointed his skin wasn’t glittering & the song ‘Wild Thing’ didn’t start when he shook my hand,” and she was eventually mobbed with hateful Tweets from fans who were clearly on Team Edward and were upset at her for expressing her opinion. The influx of taunts from people upset by her Jacob loyalty got so bad that Roberts shut down her Twitter account. We can’t believe people take this stuff so seriously! Yikes. (But even more unbelievable is that so many people were even watching The Tonight Show.)

Adding fuel to the Team Edward fans’ fire is the rumor that Roberts is actually dating her Homework co-star Michael Angarano, who just happens to be Kristen Stewart‘s ex. Stewart reportedly dated Angarano just before RPattz stole her heart on the set of Twilight, and Edward fans seem just nutty enough to take that as some sort of sign that there’s some real life drama between Emma and Robsten. If so, this is quite the lover’s quadrangle, and it makes Pattinson’s retort to Roberts on-air seem like it wasn’t so playful, and makes her Tweet seem like it could have been draped in sarcasm after all. Do we think there was some real tension between the two, or was it all in good fun? The only thing we can be sure of is that, as with every major pop culture drama of 2010, Jay Leno is to blame.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Katy Perry Does Her Part For US/UK Rubber Relations

Katy Perry topped her beef with Lady Gaga‘s blasphemy (so “cheap!”) for cluelessness on Twitter this weekend by fretting over an “important dress” that was held up en route to London by a pesky little death. “Another amazing race for a dress has happen again. Important dress. It’s on a plane now, but plane had 2 emergency stop cuz someone passed away mid flight! So sad! So we’ll see if the dress makes it in time…If not, my world cup convo is gonna take a beating on the chat show.” Frankly, we’re impressed she had the perspective to stick that “so sad!” in the middle of her concern for the fabric (though maybe she would have been better off not saying anything at all).

Looks like the dress made its way to Perry after all, as the star was spotted wearing this rubber Stars’n’Stripes/Union Jack combo in London after her Twitter torment. Hope it was worth it! See more photos of the red, tight and blue in the gallery below.

[Photo: .com]

by (@missmuttoo)

Report: Clooney’s Girlfriend Disses Jen Aniston On Twitter

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Now now, there’s no need to get personal. George Clooney‘s girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis has been accused of letting it rip on Jennifer Aniston. The weapon of choice? Twitter. She apparently compared Aniston to Iggy Pop. Ouch.

And keeping in true H-wood style, she claims it was all a big misunderstanding. Canalis tweeted, “JUST READ ON GOOGLE That I TWEETED something bad about J Aniston,let me be clear,it’s a complete LIE,I would never do that!!”

Apparently Canalis re-tweeted someone else’s rather rude opinion, which was written in Italian and read, ” I’m browsing again through the pages of Rolling Stone. Iggy Pop on the cover looks exactly like Jennifer Aniston.” She also stated that she had trouble figuring out the site, “I was at the beginning, not sure what ‘retweet’ meant.” She capped off with (typos included, ” But I don t know what to do with somebody who doesn t understund that it was a MISTAKE to retweet what SOMEBODY ELSE wrote ok?!?”

We thinks the lady doth protest too much. And yes, we’ve included Mr. Clooney in the picture above, just because he makes the photo so much prettier. Sigh.

[Photo: Getty Images]