Dismissing any hope that Uncle Charlie’s flight would suffer a violent tragedy—sure Valerie Hogan and Maude Flanders were killed off on The Hogan Family and The Simpsons respectively, but the shows didn’t blow up entire planes to do it—show sources told TMZ that Charlie may simply decide to live in Paris with Melanie Lynskey‘s Rose, leaving the other Harper boys with a vacancy in their apartment perfect for a wacky young man like Ashton. Gee, you’d almost think they planned this—except the real Uncle Charlie might be outside the studio with a bullhorn and a machete when they start filming.
Don’t rip up your Bi-Winng t-shirt for dishrags just yet! According to the Wall Street Journal, Ashton Kutcher’s Two And A Half Men contract is only a year long, despite a desire from CBS and Warner Bros. to drag…we mean, continue the series for at least two or three years more. After a year, Warner Bros. can ask Ashton to re-up, find another actor entirely to fill his shoes or, our secret hope of hopes, welcome Uncle Charlie Sheen back to Two And A Half Men by explaining away his year-long absence with a spectacular 12-month bender. Or would that be getting a little too meta? Either way, Kutcher will be raking in approximately $20 million for the 22 to 26 episode season, joined by returning stars John Cryer and Angus T. Jones, who are probably praying at an altar fashioned of Dude Where’s My Car? DVDs that Kutcher plans to return for a second season.
Does Ashton Kutcher have the “best job in show business“? Judging by his smile, we’re leaning towards yes, he really thinks he does. Now that he’s officially part of Two and a Half Men, Ashton posed with his new co-stars, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones for the first time at The CBS 2011 Upfront party in New York yesterday. Now imagine them in tuxedos with a red curtain behind then, singing “men, men, men men, manly men” and voila! We have a show! And if you think this is all very staid and poserish, take a look after the jump at the photo Ashton tweeted of them behind all that stagey smiling! Read more…
Ashton Kutcher’s Two And A Half Men gig has the actor feeling like a million bucks (or $900,000 an episode, to be exact). Meanwhile, in a giant echo-y mansion, Charlie Sheen sleeps on a giant pile of unsold Bi-Winning t-shirts and empty Tiger’s Blood bottles. “In my 13 years in show business, I’ve never received more emails and phone calls from people congratulating me for this job. You almost think I’ve won the lotto … which I kind of did,” Kutcher told industry peeps and advertisers at the CBS upfronts today. “I got the best job in show business and I’m exited about that.” Are you sure the best job in show business isn’t paying porn stars to hang out with you and making epically bad rap with Snoop Dogg? (Sorry, Charlie, we are trying so hard here.) It makes sense now why Charlie Sheen’s reaction to Ashton Kutcher was so sweet and relatively mild; Sheen doesn’t seem the type to have saved much of his insane $2 million per episode paycheck, and Kutcher is about to get paid up. Alternatively, Charlie could just wait until he wins the actual lotto. Oh, but that requires money too. Hmm…
Despite calling Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre everything from a “turd” to an “a-hole pussy loser” (and far worse), the actor made it abundantly clear that he hoped to follow his troubled Violent Torpedo Of Truth with a triumphant return to the sitcom—something CBS initially seemed hopeful for. However, Lorre and show producers Warner Bros. (the people who’d actually have to work with Sheen) have successfully scuttled such dreams, signing Ashton Kutcher to Men for next season. Naturally, everyone’s been wondering how Charlie would respond—and the answer is eerily calm…for Charlie.
“Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer…Oh wait, so am I!!” Sheen told TMZ, “Enjoy the show America.Ã‚Â Enjoy seeing a 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there.” That’s it, Charlie? Just a reaffirmation you were available, that Chuck Lorre’s a dingbat, and that the ratings will drop without you? With his tour over and his “Winning” single with Snoop Dogg not exactly blowing minds, will Charlie just count his money and wait to see how his $100 million lawsuit works out, or will he try to seek TV employment elsewhere? If he does anything to smaller numbers than Men Mk II gets, it’ll be hard to hashtag him Winning.
It’s confirmed…Ashton Kutcher will be joining the cast of Two And A Half Men. “What’s the square root of 6.25?” tweeted Kutcher after the news broke. That’s really more of a Big Bang Theory joke, but since Chuck Lorre produces that show as well, it’s appropriate enough.
While Kutcher doesn’t have quite the international A-list allure of the network’s previous target Hugh Grant—which might be why he’ll reportedly make less than the million per episode Hugh would have scored—he’s already proven he can score on TV with That ’70s Show, and his movie career hasn’t been that embarrassing (even if his biggest hits were rom-coms with more popular female co-stars…and not vanity projects like Spread). As long as Kutcher keeps his survivalist tendencies in check, he shouldn’t give the producers any of the problems former lead Charlie Sheen did—hey, Ashton is against sex trafficking! Speaking of Sheen…it’s about time that guy gave his two cents on the news.
Signing a new sitcom megastar is just like dating: you can’t let the candidates sense your desperation, or next thing you know you’ll be drinking wine straight out of the bottle and leaving tragic voice mails on Rob Lowe‘s cell phone. Trust us. With a week to go before CBS has to present advertisers with the new format of Two And A Half Men, Ashton Kutcher is now rumored to be Charlie Sheen ‘s replacement. Earlier this week Hugh Grant’s Two And A Half Men role was almost set in stone before the British actor actor backed out, possibly because he could smell producer Chuck Lorre‘s fear. Look Two, you’re a great show; any famous actor would be happy to have you. It’s just that, after such a public break-upÃ¢â‚¬Â¦well, no one wants to be your rebound star. Also, maybe wash your hair and at least change your sweatpants. We’re only telling you this as your friend.
We’ve heard plenty of rumors about folks like Rob Lowe, Jeremy Piven and John Stamos being offered Charlie Sheen‘s place in Two And A Half Men, but Deadline just revealed that Warner Bros. has been chasing far bigger game than that. According to the site, Hugh Grantpulled out of negotiations last night after nearly accepting $1 million per episode to join the show’s cast (though there is some hope he may reconsider). It’s a pretty smooth move—Hugh’s presence on a sitcom would be a lot more novel and intriguing than the established TV actors previously listed, he didn’t party with Sheen back in the day like Stamos and Lowe did, and the payday would definitely be bigger for the actor than what he’s getting for stuff like Did You Hear About The Morgans?
The buzz around Grant underscores a previously ignored issue: that the show is popular internationally, and foreign distributors might give up on the show if the producers don’t score a big star with global appeal. With all of Hugh’s recent movies making more money abroad than in the US, he’d be a dream fit—so expect Warner Bros. to try and smooth over Hugh’s current “creative differences.” With network upfronts only a week away, it’s not like they have time to chase down other celebrities of his stature.
It’s always hard to write a main character out of a series, especially a figure that is popular and beloved by the American public. Which is why the head warlock himself suggests that Charlie Sheen’s Two And A Half Men character commit suicide. When talking with Access Hollywood, Sheen says he regrets that the sitcom uncle he played didn’t end it all in the most gruesome way possible, in order to be found by Jon Cryer‘s uptight dad character. “I feel bad for the fans because there was never that final episode where Alan, like, comes into my room calling my name and pulls back the closet door and there I am hanging, with a note saying, ‘How do you like me now, Chuck?,’” Sheen laughed. Well, that would actually get us to watch the show for once. Can’t argue with ratings!
Though producer Chuck Lorre is still planning to continue Two And A Half Men without Charlie Sheen, we could potentially see Sheen’s imagined heartfelt send-off online. “Maybe I’ll do a web version and we’ll produce that version ourselves,” Sheen cracked. Here’s hoping Charlie’s version has half of the heart and sensitivity as the Two And A Half Men leaked finale that’s been floating around the Interwebs. What a way to go out with style.
Disappointed fans who yell for Charlie Sheen to “say something weird!” at his hit-or-miss live shows should just bring up Chuck Lorre. The actor has fired one violent torpedo at the producer for reportedly planning to bring back Two And A Half Men without Sheen (“You sad silly fool. A-hole p—y loser. Put on the gloves you low rent, nut-less sociopath; IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll beat your chicken s— soul in a court room into a state of gratitude.”). Here’s a larger slice of the screed:
Wow, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m sure your children are SO PROUD of you. You can teachÃ¢â‚¬â„¢em how to be a stupid b—h. A narcissist. A coward. A loser. A spineless rat. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m out here with my fans every night. The message is crystal clear; NO CHARLIE SHEEN. NO SHOW.
And thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s exactly what it will be for you and your desperate vanity cards, every Monday night, a no-show. The ratings right now are not a fluke. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a big fat mess. A 2.0 demo? That sucks. Almost as bad as you. YouÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been warned. Reap the whirl-wind you cockroach, reap it.
It seems unlikely sweet talk like this will bring Lorre and Warner Bros. back to the negotiating table, but Sheen may have a different plan now. If they won’t let him back on the show, he can just holler threats until the suits decide its not worth reviving the sitcom at all.