Disappointed fans who yell for Charlie Sheen to “say something weird!” at his hit-or-miss live shows should just bring up Chuck Lorre. The actor has fired one violent torpedo at the producer for reportedly planning to bring back Two And A Half Men without Sheen (“You sad silly fool. A-hole p—y loser. Put on the gloves you low rent, nut-less sociopath; IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll beat your chicken s— soul in a court room into a state of gratitude.”). Here’s a larger slice of the screed:
Wow, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m sure your children are SO PROUD of you. You can teachÃ¢â‚¬â„¢em how to be a stupid b—h. A narcissist. A coward. A loser. A spineless rat. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m out here with my fans every night. The message is crystal clear; NO CHARLIE SHEEN. NO SHOW.
And thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s exactly what it will be for you and your desperate vanity cards, every Monday night, a no-show. The ratings right now are not a fluke. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a big fat mess. A 2.0 demo? That sucks. Almost as bad as you. YouÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been warned. Reap the whirl-wind you cockroach, reap it.
It seems unlikely sweet talk like this will bring Lorre and Warner Bros. back to the negotiating table, but Sheen may have a different plan now. If they won’t let him back on the show, he can just holler threats until the suits decide its not worth reviving the sitcom at all.
Put down your #biwinning t-shirt and listen to us. No seriously, put it down. We’re sorry to tell you this, but we might be looking at a Two And A Half Men without Charlie Sheen. The Hollywood Reporter claims that producer Chuck Lorre has proposed a Sheen-less sitcom to Jon Cryer. Unfortunately for Lorre, he has to get his plan in place by May 18, in order to present in the newly formatted show to advertisers at the network’s upfronts. In addition to previously mentioned stars like Jeremy Piven rumored to be joining the program, names like Woody Harrelson and Bob Saget have been mentioned in conjuncture with the reboot. Personally, we don’t know if either of those actors would necessarily fit the bill. Based on the 3/4 of an episode we saw a few years ago in which Charlie, no joke, slept with an entire coven of witches, Sheen is the carefree yin to Cryer’s anxious yang, the slutty cream to his buttoned-up coffee. Even ifÃ‚Â Two And A Half Men‘s Angus T. Jones qualifies as a grown-up by now, we still need half a man to break even!
Unfortunately, not everyone familiar with the show is optimistic about the show’s post-warlock survival. TMZ reports that the fact no offers have officially been made to replacement actors is a bad sign. One insider even predicts a Two And A Half Men cancellation in Lorre’s future, claiming “There really is a good chance the show won’t come back.” Our suggestion? Get an actor even more uptight than Jon Cryer, then slide Jon over to the bad boy role. Call up David Hyde Pierce from Frasier. You know he’s just waiting by the phone anyway.
Late last year, Angus T. Jones became the highest paid kid on TV after negotiating a $300,000-per-episode contract with Two And A Half Men. Then Charlie Sheen had to go and call producer Chuck Lorre an “ugly whore,” leaving the fate of the show up in the air. We’ve seen plenty of Jon Cryer since Charlie’s meltdown, but 17-year-old Angus—spotted outside Washington-Dulles Airport yesterday—has so far kept out of the fray. Maybe he wants to make sure both sides would give him another crack at that paycheck.
Even if Two And A Half Men doesn’t return, residuals from eight seasons of the international smash should leave Angus set for life. And hey! Now Angus gets to cut his hair into something more fashionable than that grody helmet enjoyed by his character Jake Harper. See pics of the child star recluse in the gallery below.
With all the gossiping and bickering back and forth between Charlie Sheen and Warner Bros, it’s almost like we’re in high school again, if our high school had warlocks. Well, actual warlocks. Earlier this week, Charlie Sheen’s return to Two And A Half Men looked like a real possibility. “There have been discussions, but I was asked not to divulge anything,” Sheen admitted on Boston’s WBZ-FM this Tuesday. However, as of today Warner Bros. denies Sheen’s return to Two And A Half Men, claiming “Those statements are false. As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series.”
However, Marty Singer, Sheen’s lawyer, is now saying Warner Bros. lied about not meeting with Sheen. “There have been discussions as late as Tuesday, and all parties have been involved — Warner Bros., CBS, Chuck Lorre and Charlie Sheen,” Singer maintains. “Charlie did not lie about the discussions. There WERE discussions.” Earlier this week Charlie’s lawyer also sent a letter to Warner Bros. allegedly they owe Sheen payment for work done in season 7 of the show. Ugh, it’s like when you made out in the back of the band bus with the smelly kid and then denied it so your friends wouldn’t tease you. These two just need own up and admit that secretly, deep down, they kind of like each other. And money. They love money.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Hmm, now this we would have liked. Jeremy Piven is the first suggestion with the kind of devil-may-care, got-out-of-a-contract-via-mercury-poisoning attitude that we’d like to see slip into Charlie Sheen‘s tiger-blood-soaked shoes. No offense, Rob Lowe; maybe if this was 1988.Ã‚Â Unfortunately Jeremy Piven has denied he’ll replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men. “No one connected in any way with Jeremy knows anything about this and that would include Jeremy,” Piven’s rep Stan Rosenfeld claims, which is really too bad. How many other actors will get into a verbal altercation with Chris Kattan in their lifetime? Roughly two, once Charlie thinks of it.
Unfortunately, the likelihood that Charlie will replace himself on the hit sitcom is also looking pretty slim, as today a judge denied Sheen’s bid to stop arbitration with Chuck Lorre and Warner Bros. The arbitration, separate from Sheen’s $100 lawsuit against Lorre and Warner Bros., will determine if all future lawsuits between Sheen and his ex-bosses will be held in private, or publicly in court. Do you think if Charlie plead mercury poisoning this whole mess could end soon too? Do you think Charlie Sheen might actually have mercury poisoning and that would actually explain everything?
Good news for the makers of Two And Half Men—Charlie Sheen isn’t going to sue for $300 million after all. No, apparently his lawyers have talked him down and Sheen only wants $100 million now. The money won’t be going entirely to the actor, though—he wants Warner Bros. and Chuck Lorre to pay the show’s crew for the last 8 episodes of Two And A Half Men‘s season, which were scrapped after Sheen began calling radio shows to complain about his treatment following a wild multi-day party with porn stars at his mansion. Besides, with all the residuals guaranteed to come in from re-runs (the show is a massive hit internationally, with many countries knowing it as My Uncle Charlie), it’s not like he wants the money so much as the revenge.
Says Sheen’s lawyer, “Chuck Lorre, one of the richest men in television who is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, believes himself to be so wealthy and powerful that he can unilaterally decide to take money away from the dedicated cast and crew of the popular television series, Two and a Half Men, in order to serve his own ego and self-interest, and make the star of the series the scapegoat for Lorre’s own conduct.” Harsh, but even-tempered compared to Sheen calling Lorre an “ugly whore” and worse on his last livestream. Does Sheen really want to be bringing up egomania andÃ‚Â professional conduct in court, though? It wasn’t Lorre waving a machete on a rooftop the other day.
Yes, we know, it’s all about Charlie Sheen these days! Are you “winning”? Are you drinking tigers blood? We admit, we love checking into his Twitter account for a chuckle, because hash tag: sheenskorner is where it’s at. We’re all apprised of the events — Sheen being fired from Two And A Half Men etc? Ã‚Â Right now, the recipient of Sheen’s vitriol, Chuck Lorre is in the process of shortlisting potential replacements for the role of Charlie Harper on the show. And apparently the fact that he reached out to actor Rob Lowe is A-Ok with the now unemployed proprietor of goddesses. Ã‚Â Sheen made the surprising revelation on an interview with K-Earth 101 (an L.A radio station), saying, “He’s a buddy of mine, he’s a beautiful man, a brilliant actor, and I hope he does it and kicks its ass because I still get pizz-aid [paid]…” However, Parks And Recreation producer Michael Schur says Rob Lowe has a multi-year contract with the show and won’t be donning Sheen’s bowling shirt on Men anytime soon.
With regards to the latter half of Sheen’s statement, Charlie plans to sue if he doesn’t receive his salary for the remainder of this season’s show, and for the whole of the next season. His argument stems from the fact that he feels he was fired wrongfully, and you know what that always means… money. It was during the same interview that Charlie offered a sort-of apology to now ex-costar Jon Cryer, for calling him a ” turncoat, a traitor, a troll“. Apparently, Cryer didn’t offer him any support so he’s mad, which seems to be a permanent condition for him these days. But during the radio interview, he offered an, “I’ll apologize to Jon right now, I was in a mood and I threw that out to somebody. I didn’t know theyÃ¢â‚¬â€well I kinda knew they were gonna print it, yeah I knew they were gonna print it. I confuse myself. It’s a little bit a half apology. An apol. The reason I was upset I didn’t get a text or a phone call or anything saying, “Hey, dude, back off,Ã‚Â I got your back, or you got my back or there’s a back involved’.” And there you have it, Charlie’s addition to the lexicon—“an apol”.
The new Life & Style may have Charlie Sheen admitting he’s in trouble (“I’m really starting to lose my mind, I’m ready to call anyone to help”), but he hardly sounded apologetic on last night’s missive from Charlie Sheen’s Korner. Instead of sharing another of Charlie’s manic phone calls with twitter collaborator Rob Maron, this episode was clearly pre-written, with Sheen giving a poetic, Beat-styled beatdown of his former employers (“oh, how they once begged to attend my perfect banquet in the nude, now they just beg for the keys to my gold”), with Men producer Chuck Lorre getting the worst of it (“think of me often, loser, during your most quiet moments…think of me as you pray to your silly god, AA…can you smell your soul? Can you smell the rotting dogs—?”).
Delivered directly to the camera, Sheen’s language is both incoherent (“undigested hummus trading real estate for this fire dance”) and stunning (“here is my unwanted guest list, their names slightly altered to keep their stench from polluting my magic daiquiri”). If you’re not completely sick of the guy, it’s easily the most fascinating and watchable of his online rants. Watch the episode and read more choice quotes after the jump.
Well, we could have seen this coming, rocketing towards us across the horizon on a warlock-piloted mercury surfboard powered by liquid win: Charlie Sheen has been fired from Two And A Half Men. “After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on ‘Two and a Half Men,’ effective immediately,” a rep for Warner Bros reported, though another source said it was still unclear whether or not the show would go on sans #TigerBlood. We’re not going to lie; we’re sort of surprised. Given how wildly popular the show is, we would have thought Chuck Lorre and his crew wouldÃ‚Â have moved into a mansion next to Sheen rather than give up that sitcom money. Looks like we’re just as delusional asÃ¢â‚¬Â¦well, as someone who is extremely, extremely delusional.
Not that Charlie is letting the news get him down. “This is very good news,” Sheen responded to his firing to TMZ, “They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc–k again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.” Now that he can forget about that pesky day job, Charlie can move on to his many projects like Sheen’s reality show, his inevitable custody case with Brooke Mueller or replacing erstwhile goddess Bree Olson now that she’s left the mansion. In fact, the star is so swamped with all his new ventures, Sheen is hiring a social media intern for the summer. We’ve seen a lot of celebrity break-downs in the past, but this has to be the first one that is actively seeking employees.
Considering that Charlie Sheen is systematically turning against everyone in Hollywood (latest victim: Sheen’s publicist just quit), it was only a matter of time before the cast of Full House stumbled into his crosshairs. This time, however, Sheen might have a good reason for it, given the rumor that John Stamos met about Sheen’s Two And A Half Men role. According to E!, Stamos met with President of CBS Les Moonves at the Night Before benefit on Saturday. “They were at the bar talking and Les asked John if he’d be interested in replacing Charlie,” an insider reports. “It wouldn’t be to play Charlie’s character but they talked more about introducing a new character.” Of course, given the gruesome transformation he’s gone through in the last few weeks, the skinny, skittery Sheen would be playing a new character too if they start filming again: Golem.
Of course Stamos denied taking over for Sheen on Twitter on Friday, before his alleged meeting with Moonves. “Contrary to the rumors, I am not replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. however, Martin Sheen has asked me to be his son,” Stamos tweeted, a dismissal which could still be factually accurate if he’s not literally taking on Sheen’s character. We think a fresh new role would be great for everyone. If nothing else, at least Charlie won’t see Stamos in his role and get so delusional he starts waging war against himself.
[Photo: Getty Images]