“I get in trouble for being honest. I am old-fashioned, I am a nobleman, I am chivalrous. I believe that chivalry is not dead, it’s just been in a coma for a long time.”
“Yeah, I am on a drug. It’s called…Charlie Sheen! It’s not available, because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off. Your children will weep over your exploded body.”
“I woke up…I’ve been this ‘aw shucks’ guy with this completely bitchin’ rock star life and I’m just gonna embrace it. I’m gonna wrap both arms around it and love it violently. And defend it violently through violent hatred.”
“They’re in breach, they’re in radical breach….[I’m going to sue for] tons. I’m going to actually put it on a scale, like ‘a little more, a little more, add some gold. Bingo!’ I’m here to collect. They’re going to lose in a courtroom, so I recommend they do an out of court settlement.”
Where to even begin when writing an update on this Charlie Sheen insanity explosion that keeps raining down upon us? Let’s start with the craziest things first, shall we? Earlier we reported that Sheen, in one of his rants against Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre said that he would be thrilled to fight Lorre in an octagon. Well, lucky for Sheen, Ultimate Fighting Championship boss Dana White wants to make that happen and has offered Charlie use of his octagon if he and Lorre want to throw down. Thanks for enabling Sheen’s insane, violent fantasy, Dana White! Sheen also fought back against the accusation that he was Anti-Semitic when he referred to Lorre as “Chaim Levine” in his rant. Sheen clarified to TMZ, saying “I was referring to Chuck by his real name, because I wanted to address the man, not the bulls— TV persona. So you’re telling me, anytime someone calls me Carlos Estevez, I can claim they are anti-Latino?” Oh, Carlos, no, we just don’t know what to make of anything you say at all anymore.
Next on the docket of craziness is the fact that Sheen claims he is working on a deal with HBO to host his own talk show for $5 million an episode. “I’m close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10 show guarantee,” Sheen told Radar, also noting that it will be called Sheen’s Corner. That’s pretty lucky that he made this deal so soon—we mean like, minutes—after it was announced that Two And A Half Men was halting production for the year. “It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!” says Sheen of his hypothetical new show, not realizing that the real truth is that he is absurd. Hilariously, HBO has completely denied that they are working with Sheen. (Whew! We wouldn’t want to lose faith in our HBO.)
As always, we’ll keep our ears open for the next bit of Sheen-related craziness, we’re sure it’s in the pipes already.
If you thought that Charlie Sheen‘s incredible, indecipherable rant on The Alex Jones Show was the last you’d hear from him on the subject of Two and A Half Men creator (and mortal enemy) Chuck Lorre, you were so unbelievably wrong. Charlie, still on vacay Ã‚Â in the Bahamas (minus Brooke Mueller, who has reportedly checked out of Sheen’s porn-party-posseÃ‚Â ), told TMZ he wants to take Lorre on in an octagon and basically kick his ass. If Lorre won in this hypothetical face-off, Sheen—or the crazy delusional ranter formerly known as Charlie Sheen—said , “If he wins, then he can leave MY show.” And then proceeded to state exactly what he thought of Lorre saying, “I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre). He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p—y punk that I’d never want to be like. And that’s me being polite.” Charlie ended the rant with, “You can tell him [Lorre] one thing. I own him.”
Charlie Sheen sure had a great day today. If you have ten minutes you don’t mind never getting back, we implore you to listen to the full audio of Sheen’s radio rant on The Alex Jones Show to find out how spectacularly Sheen is doing compared to everyone else on the planet. For example, Sheen has a host of venomous (i.e. incomprehensible) insults for producer Chuck Lorre, who ripped on Sheen in the Two And A Half Men vanity cards. Charlie claims he “embarrassed him in front of his children and the world” by bouncing back so quickly, before calling him a “charlatan” and one of many “turds” who have a personal vendetta against Sheen. The actor also rips on Alcoholics Anonymous, calling it a “bootleg cult” based on “a silly book of lies” while scoffing “I have a disease? Bulls–t! I cured it with my mind!” We guess when you’re doing as well as Charlie, “cured” has the same meaning as “am not doing any drugs this exact second.”
Despite what we may have heard previously, Charlie’s ex Brooke Mueller is not on vacation with Sheen and his other goddesses. “Where there were 4 there are now 3. Goodbye Brooke. Good luck in your travels, you’re going to need it. Badly,” Sheen snarls, before dismissing the host’s compliments by saying “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p—y.” Don’t worry, Brooke. If the Founding Fathers can’t measure up to Charlie’s demanding standards, well, then there’s no way any of us mere mortals can either.
Despite what you might assume from his porn star babysitters or constant string of terrible choices, Charlie Sheen is really looking out for the kids. On his return visit to the Dan Patrick Show today, Charlie Sheen denied doing drugs or drinking on set at Two And A Half Men. We certainly hope that’s the case, considering Sheen’s co-star Angus T. Jones was all of ten years old when he started working with boozy Uncle Charlie. Sheen claimed he’s “never been drunk [and] never been high on the set once,” though he has been so hung-over he asked the director to let him lean on a piece of furniture to keep from keeling over on camera. We hope no one told poor Angus why all of the end tables are reinforced with extra legs. Or why the crew has to shampoo the carpets so often.
In his quest to help youngsters not become him, Charlie Sheen has advice for Lindsay Lohan. “Work on your impulse control,” Charlie warned the actress. “Just try to think things through a little bit before you do them.” Sit back, take a big sip of chocolate milk, and stare at a picture of Charlie Sheen in his twenties; that’ll make you reconsider your life choices, Lindsay. As for Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre’s jokes about Sheen, the actor’s manager Mark Burg claims Charlie laughed at Lorre’s vanity cards. “Charlie…thought it was funny,” Burg told the New York Daily News. “The direct quote was, ‘That’s great. There’s not a chance he outlives me!'” That’s exactly the kind of optimism we expect from our Charlie. Deluded, deluded optimism.
It looks like Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre hasn’t lost his sense of humor about star Charlie Sheen. His production company credit at the end last night’s episode featured a list Chuck’s guidelines for healthy living. “I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.” And here’s the kicker: “If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.”
One has to assume this message was planned before Sheen called The Dan Patrick Show to complain they wouldn’t let him work (“I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys! Get me right now!”). While everyone plans to get back to work on February 28th, Charlie’s public comments (“avoid crack, unless you can manage it socially”) suggest that—even if he can stay cool for another two weeks—he’s not willing to give us his vice-filled lifestyle at all. Can Lorre just laugh it off, or will this (abbreviated) season of Two And A Half Men be its last?
CBS tells TMZ the show won’t go back into production until the end of February at the earliest, so the porn star-loving party monster will at least have to stay clean until then. But his offer in regards to the crew seems less like a gesture of kindness and more a form of blackmail—by arguing that CBS and NBC continue to pay the crew, he’s set to make them lose even more than they would otherwise every week he’s off set (some said a three-month rehab stint could cost the show north of $250 million). And since the show is still the biggest sitcom on TV, nobody’s even thinking about just canceling the moneymaker. Whether or not Charlie’s determined to live out his drug-abusing lifestyle, he’s certainly still got his wits about him.
It turns out we weren’t the only people who learned aboutCharlie Sheen’s Vegas drama online; turns out, his coworkers did too! On Conan last night, Sheen’s Two and A Half Men co-star John Cryer opened up about Sheen and his long history of bad behavior. “It’s always a little weird because like the stuff you hear is just unbelievable. I mean like… I’m checking TMZ, as I do everyday, to know if I have to go to work at all,” Cryer laughed. It must be like waiting for a snow day as a kid, except now the snow is in Charlie Sheen’s nasal cavities and/or blanketing a cadre of prostitutes.
While CBS has expressed concern about Sheen before, Cryer just laughs it off. After hearing about Sheen’s car being stolen again this past summer, Jon jokes, “I said, ‘How you doin’ man” He said, ‘I’m doing OK, except that somebody stole my car and ran it off a cliff last night.’ Normally, you would not believe that from somebody… but from Charlie Sheen you believe that, because that happened to him. Twice!” Now we understand why Jenna Jameson warns porn stars about Sheen, telling them “Run! Run! Screaming!” You never know when the third time is the charm.
Guys, Jones is 17. At this point he’s like 3/4 of a man, but still, what the crap is he going to do with all that money? By comparison, at 17 we were swirling soft serve out at the TCBY for $4.25 an hour and driving a rusted out Mercury Grand Marquis and we actually thought we were doing pretty well for ourselves.
The CBS show has been renewed for two more seasons, but Sheen’s contract is up after this year (the last day of filming for this season is April 9). TMZ explains that Sheen wants to bump his current salary, which is already $825,000 per episode to $1.5 million per show. If he stays on for an extra two years at $1.5 million, that’s a sum that just blows our mind (and it probably blows the mind of co-star Jon Cryer and the kid who plays the half-man). A source explains to TMZ “Does anyone really think Charlie will walk away from $48 million?” Good point. Considering the amount of legal fees, bail money and retroactive hooker payouts Sheen owes, he might want to hang on to this job.
All of this begs the greater question: who is actually watching this show? We know, we know, it’s popular, but we don’t know anyone who has actually ever seen an episode. Are there any Two And A Half Men fans out there who can actually vouch for the show and for Sheen’s multi-million dollar contributions to it? [Photo: Getty Images]