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by (@katespencer)

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia Confesses: I Was A Druggie

Remember when you were a kid and you were totally hooked on Brady Bunch re-runs, and especially loved it when Marcia, played by Celebrity Fit Clubber Maureen McCormick, would grab her face and scream out, “Oh my nose!” Well it turns out she was clutching her nose not because a football “broke” it, but because it was disintegrating from serious cocaine snort-age. Maureen’s career crumbled after her Brady stint, and she reveals in a new tell-all book that it’s all due to her serious coke n’ Quaaludes addiction. She even once traded sex for drugs, news that would probably make Jan Brady feel better about herself.

Maureen hit up The Today Show today to really get into the nitty-gritty – like her family’s bizarre bout with syphillis, the paranoia that led her to hide in her closet from her agent, and the reason Eve Plumb (Jan) hates her. Eek. Clip above.

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Ringo Starr Is A Miserable Twat

There’s an old school of thought about celebs, which says the least talented and Z-list they are, the most diva-ish they behave whereas the real, bona fide superstars are actually pretty nice. And that theory’s been born out by the two remaining Beatles, Ringo “Octopus’s Garden” Starr and Sir Paul “Yesterday and about a million other classic tunes” McCartney. Coming just days after Paul won legions of new fans by appearing in hilarious classic spoof Britain’s Got The Pop Factor with comedian Peter Kay (watch the clip after the jump), Ringo showed a total lack of sense of humour by posting a bizarre clip on his website. In it, he commands his fans not to send him any more fanmail, like, EVER. Because he’s too busy.

“I want to tell you, please, after the 20th of October, do not send fan mail to any address that you have. Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October. If that has the date on the envelope it’s going to be tossed.”

“I’m warning you, with peace and love, but I have too much to do, so no more fan mail, thank you, thank you, and no objects to be signed nothing. Peace and love, peace and love.”

“Peace and love” off yourself, Ringo! If he’s got any fans left after this bizarre tirade, we’ll be stunned.

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by (@katespencer)

Britney Spears Is Naked In New Video

We imagine that Britney Spears is kinda a fragile soul, so we were a bit worried when we heard she was all nude in her new video for her single “Womanizer.” But then we saw the thing, and all our cares for BritBrit’s health flew out the window. She’s naked and sweaty and hot and thrusting her body around in some sort of sauna, and really that’s all we ever cared about anyway. If she needs a hundred frappuccinos to get there, so be it. Viva la Naked Britney!

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Joe Son, Austin Powers Star and UFC Nut-Punch Victim, Arrested For 1990 Gang Rape

Joe Son, best known for playing Random Task in the first Austin Powers movie and getting repeatedly punched in the nuts in UFC 4: Revenge Of The Warriors, has been arrested for multiple counts of rape and sodomy. Son’s DNA was tied to an unsolved 1990 gang rape in Orange County after he plead guilty to an unrelated vandalism charge.

After the jump is a clip reel of Son’s mixed martial arts matches, including one where Son walked into the arena carrying a giant cross. At 2:30, Joe Son’s opponent punches him in the nuts 10 times in a row.

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Hilary Duff Bitches Out Girls Who Call Things “Gay” In New PSA

Hilary Duff has filmed a PSA for the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network that aims to fight anti-gay language by out-catting the hags who use it. In the clip, a girl in a clothing store tells her friend an outfit is totally gay. Duff interrupts to note that you “shouldn’t call something ‘gay’ when you mean something’s ‘bad.’” When the dowdily dressed homophobe fails to grasp the message, she explains what if every time something was bad, everybody said ‘that’s so girl wearing a skirt as a top’?” OH SNAP. Duff attempts to cushion the blow by complimenting her jeans (you can’t fight hate with hate, see), the closing text underlines the message. “When you say ‘that’s so gay,’ do you realize what you say? Knock it off.”

However odd it is to watch Hilary snap off on someone’s fashion, it’s an admirable sentiment that we hope is embellished further. Maybe Shia LaBeouf, as an apology to the LGB community, could tell a young dude not to use “cocksucker” as an insult, unless he wants his girlfriend—if he ever gets one—to think sucking his cock is a bad thing. Now that’s a public service announcement that’s long overdue.

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The ‘Karate Monkey’ Earns A Black Belt. Cool Trick? Or Animal Abuse?

Yachan, a monkey that lives in a town near Tokyo, has become so proficient in martial arts that he’s earned a black belt. He breaks wooden panels with kicks and punches. He spars with his sensei. He also delivers drinks to the customers of his owner’s bar. Some may think a karate-chopping, bartending monkey is cute and harmless. But here at Scandalist we’re skeptics.

First, we wonder about his owner’s motives. Does he make money off of Yachan’s karate skills or is it simply that a daily regimen of sit-ups and push-ups does a monkey good? We also wonder how Yachan was trained. Is he punished when he wants to skip practice to lie around and eat bananas? And, lastly, is it really a good idea to teach a monkey how to fight?

Remember the man that lost his nose and a testicle after visiting an ape in a California animal sanctuary? Chimps, of course, are bigger and more powerful than Yachan. Still, it may be best for everyone if monkeys are left out in the wild.

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Tina Fey Does It Again

Tina Fey reprised her role as Sarah Palin in yet another dead-on Saturday Night Live parody. This time, SNL guest Queen Latifah joined a sketch of the VP debate as debate moderator Gwen Ifill. Joe Biden, played by Jason Sudeikis, said that John McCain was “bad at his job” and “mentally unstable” and a “dear, dear friend.” He also debunked the notion that’s he’s a “Washington insider” by proclaiming that’s he’s from Scranton, Pennsylvania — “the worse place on earth” filled with “sad and desperate people with no ambition.”

Palin, who changed the moderator’s topics to suit her pre-prepared talking points and evoked Ronald Reagan‘s name for the sake of evoking Ronald Reagan’s name, had at least three devastatingly funny one-liners, including …

  • On fixing the economy: “We would ask what would a maverick do in this situation, and, then, you know, we’ll do that.”
  • On the cause of global warming: We don’t know if it’s man-mad or just “a natural part of The End Of Days.”
  • On her health care policy: “I’m going to ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say I’m only saying that to pander to voters in Florida. But from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and cuban food.”

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Jessica Alba Muzzles Hayden Panettiere In Creepy New Voting Clip

Blah, blah, a new video clip to promote voting. But this one has Hayden Panettiere writhing in a tight dress and whimpering into a muzzle. Got your attention now?

The clip opens with Jessica Alba hawking a stylish muzzle for folks who don’t plan on voting. It’s all very ironic-QVC, with 90210‘s Tristan Wilds giving a personal testimony. Watching Michael from The Wire rub his cheek with a Hannibal Lecter mask is pretty odd, but the crazy stuff comes at 1:25, when Hayden Panties twitches and poses in a hot pink dress and matching mask that Alba says Hayden had “surgically implanted.” Eww!!

Hayden keeps squirming and squealing while Alba harshly describes how attractive she looks before pushing the Heroes star offstage. It’s kinda funny, but the S&M undertone will probaby make more people click away—or beat off, depending on how they feel about fem-dom—then vote. Hey, at least we’ve found out what it would look like if Saw V was made by the CW network.

Related Content: Jessica Alba Gets Masked

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Diddy Hides In Bed From Palin, Records Vlog Under The Covers

A lot of us were disturbed when Sarah Palin wouldn’t—or couldn’t—name a single newspaper she regularly reads (“oh, all of them!”), but none more so than Diddy, who scurried under the covers with a flashlight and recorded this Blair Witch-y vlog. “She’s worse than the boogeyman…she could be president!” With all his hyperventilating and unsettling shrieks, you’d think he could see dead people (John McCain‘s not there quite yet).

Whether not you agree with him, one needs to realize that Diddy has filmed himself whimpering. Whimpering. Diddy, the man who once stared down Godzilla himself.

To see our hero in such a state is truly cause for concern.