Video

August 6th, 2008 | 9:02 am by Kate Spencer (@katespencer)

Paris Hilton for President

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

We had all but forgotten about Paris Hilton – her BFF’s gone off and had a baby, she’s dating a dude with zero Greek ancestry/inheritance and we now get our skin fix from Miley Cyrus. But just when we were about to count her out, she goes and does something kinda awesome. After being called out in a John McCain ad as a “celebrity,” Paris bites back with the help of the Funny Or Die dudes and actually demonstrates that she may just have a sense of humor about the whole thing. And you know what that means – good PR for her. I guess we do still care about Paris after all.

August 5th, 2008 | 11:22 am by Libby Keatinge

Eva Mendes: Banned In The U.S.

A post-rehab Eva Mendes stars in a new commercial for Calvin Klein, but the ad has been deemed too racy for U.S. TV.

In the risque commercial for the fragrance “Secret Obsession”, Eva rolls around seductively and says, “Between love and madness lies obsession. Love … madness … it’s my secret.” The creative director for the ad told the New York Post that “this country is so messed up … I really can’t believe this is happening.”

Watch the pulled the advertisement, and decide for yourself if it’s too racy for TV.

August 4th, 2008 | 11:58 pm by Anthony Miccio

#99: Pat O’Brien’s Dirty Voicemails

Poor Pat O’Brien. Car accidents, overdoses, violent standoffs with police — these are more-than-acceptable reasons for a lifelong drug addict to finally seek professional help. But the release of pornographic voice mail messages? That’s awfully hard to glamorize.

The host of TV’s The Insider and long-time sports commentator was once associated with awkward attempts at being hip (remember Diddy‘s “Bad Boy For Life” video?), but thanks to some unfortunate drunk dialing in 2005, Pat will go down in history as the guy who wanted to “go f*cking crazy,” inviting his anonymous crush to join him and “Betsy” for a sex romp. So graphic were the messages that “Get another woman up, hire a hooker. Let’s get crazy, get some coke” is the kid-friendly part.

Pat followed his rehab stint with a Dr. Phil primetime special, but the self-help guru’s advice wasn’t enough to keep him from heading back less than three years later. Though the mockery of his sexploits continues (“I am so f*cking into you. You have to pay attention to Betsy, but let’s have fun!”), Pat’s career hasn’t taken too much of a hit. He’s still hosting The Insider and recently announced plans to marry his girlfriend of five years … Betsy. The couple that goes f*cking crazy together stays together!

August 4th, 2008 | 11:45 pm by Lauren Harris

#86: David Hasselhoff’s Drunken Hamburger Viral Video

Fame’s a bitch. One minute you’re riding high in red trunks, sharing screen time with Pamela Anderson on the nation’s biggest television show. The next, you’re drunk and shirtless and eating a cheeseburger on the floor of your Vegas hotel room, being videotaped by your 16-year-old daughter.

In May 2007, while starring in a Vegas production of The Producers, David Hasselhoff had little else to boast about besides a rabid fan-base in Germany. Since his starring roles on Knight Rider and later Baywatch, the Hoff’s career had taken some hits, and in addition to mostly playing himself in cameos, he’d also developed a drinking problem. And then he found himself in the midst of an acrimonious divorce from his wife of 15 years.

This viral video, which his daughter shot with intent to show Dad the error of his ways, features him slurring his words and gnawing on a burger (when he can get it up to his mouth, that is). As his daughter pleads with him to stop drinking, the Hoff can only murmur, “I have trouble in my life,” and chew with eyes half-lidded. “This is a mess,” Hoff sputters as he drunkenly drips Secret Sauce all down his bear-rug of a chest. You said it!

August 4th, 2008 | 11:43 pm by Kate Spencer (@katespencer)

#84: Whitney Houston: Crack is Whack

We all knew Whitney Houston wanted to dance with somebody, we just had no idea she’d end up waltzing with a crack pipe. The singer had barreled through the ’80s and ’90s racking up #1 hits and the occasional flop (like marrying the dysfunctional Bobby Brown). After selling over nine million copies of The Bodyguard soundtrack and stockpiling six Grammys, she decided to move on to something more, uh, super f*cking illegal.

In early 2000, Whitney was busted lugging weed through a Hawaii airport. As if that wasn’t bad-ass enough, she inspired Lohans everywhere by skipping shows and losing enough weight to scare even Nicole Richie. Chatting with Diane Sawyer in 2002, she admitted to, well, everything. “My business is sex, drugs, rock and roll … I partied a lot.” When asked by Sawyer about her drug of choice — “Is it alcohol? Is it marijuana? Is it cocaine? Is it pills?” — Whitney answered, “It has been at times.” Sawyer: “All?” Houston: “At times.” But even Whitney had her limits: “I make too much money for me to ever smoke crack … crack is whack.” Whack enough to send the fallen songbird to rehab in 2004. She has yet to make a solid comeback — unless having her husband yank a “doody bubble” from her ass counts — but at least she’s made headlines dumping Brown for Ray J., brother of Brandy and on-camera lover of Kim Kardashian.

Whitney’s daughter is possibly continuing the family addiction tradition. Pics of then 13-year-old Bobbi Kristina exhaling what looked like marijuana smoke popped up on the Web in 2007. So much for teaching children well and letting them lead the way.

August 4th, 2008 | 11:40 pm by Kate Spencer (@katespencer)

#81: Madonna And Britney Kiss

Let us journey back in time, to a world where Britney Spears was beautiful and her golden locks were real (maybe). The year was 2003, the girls were decked out in white wedding dresses better suited for streetwalkers, and they only had eyes–or lips–for one lady: the Queen of Pop and Pointy Bras, Madonna. That September, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera joined their idol onstage at the MTV Video Music Awards and turned a regular performance into headline news when they each took turns tongue-kissing Madge while singing her timeless tramp anthem “Like a Virgin.”

The timing of their tonsil hockey was perfect, providing a much-needed jolt to Brit’s suffering career. It had been a tumultuous year of disappointing record sales, a high-profile breakup from Justin Timberlake (which inspired his #1 hit “Cry Me a River”), her disastrous film flop Crossroads, and the closing of her restaurant NYLA after just seven months. Plus she had a new album to promote, packed with horny dance tracks celebrating masturbation and other hot ‘n’ breathy behavior. Yup, a girl kiss is just what she needed. Britney later claimed she had “never kissed a woman before” — even though they had seriously rehearsed the smooch before the actual performance. (Sadly, an ass-slap from Madge was canned before they went live.) Still, that one sultry, same-sex lip-lock freaked the pundits and titillated our whole nation. And our girl finally became a (bi-curious) woman.


August 4th, 2008 | 11:33 pm by Libby Keatinge

#74: Kate Moss Cocaine Video

If a supermodel does cocaine off-camera, did she really do it? Don’t ask Kate Moss! In September 2005 the former Calvin Klein sex goddess was videotaped sniffing the snow at a West London recording studio, with pals including then-boyfriend Pete Doherty of Babyshambles fame. When the amateur video went viral, Moss caught a new nickname: “Cokate.”

Moss’s success in the early ’90s, as poster skeleton for heroin chic, had led Bill Clinton to dis the fashion industry for pushing the anorexic “waif” look. And while she had always denied using coke, in the grainy 2005 video she handles it like a dusty pro — chopping chunks into powder on a CD case and coaxing it into lines with a credit card, smiling all the while. When a less-skilled druggie pal tries to lend a hand, she shoos him away, insisting “I’ll do it, I’ll do it!”

In classic sin-snagged-celeb tradition, Moss immediately apologized to “All The People I Have Let Down.” Contracts with Burberry and H&M were canceled, and she was exiled to Arizona for rehab, causing her to miss her daughter’s third birthday party. The fact that her annual income rose $3 million in 2006 was surely coincidental.

August 4th, 2008 | 11:28 pm by VH1

#69: Tom Cruise Loses His Cool

Tom Cruise was once a famous movie star. He made great movies like Risky Business and Top Gun. But then he married Nicole Kidman. Hollywood’s most popular star and a tall blonde Australian? Nobody believed the marriage was real. Tom further alienated his public with his involvement in the Church of Scientology.

Tom put more nails in his own coffin following his 2001 divorce from Kidman. First he dated Penélope Cruz. Hollywood’s most popular star and a Spanish bombshell? Nobody could believe it was real. Cruise further alienated his public when he made movies like Vanilla Sky. Then Cruise dumped Cruz and announced he had fallen in love with Katie Holmes. Hollywood’s most popular star and the beauty from Dawson’s Creek? It stank like a publicity stunt.

But Tom was determined to prove the world wrong. While guesting on Oprah, he got so excited over his romance that he jumped up and down on her couch. “That’s how I feel about it! Really!” he cried. Sorry, Tom. Not buying it. And nobody wants to see a short man acting like a drunk leprechaun.

Cruise went on a rampage. He wagged his finger at Matt Lauer on Today as he preached Scientology’s anti-psychiatry gospel and slammed Brooke Shields for battling depression with meds. With “jumping the couch” entering the lexicon, getting people to see a Tom Cruise movie became a Mission: Impossible. Lions for Lambs was stillborn in theaters, and the upcoming Nazi flick Valkyrie is scheduled to open on the twelfth of never.

Zac Efron, we hope you’ve been paying attention. — Charles Bottomley

August 4th, 2008 | 11:20 pm by Lauren Harris

#61: Hell’s Angels Wreak Havoc At Altamont

Having the Hell’s Angels handle your security is like having Michael Jackson watch your kids – you just know it’ll end badly. In support of their prophetically named 1969 album Let It Bleed, the Rolling Stones snorted and screwed their way across Woodstock era-America before deciding to play a free concert in California. Little did they know the show would climax with the death of a young fan.

Without a venue, the band settled on Altamont, an abandoned speedway, and 400,000 fans showed in just two days. The Angels, allegedly hired for $500 worth of beer, punched Jefferson Airplane lead singer Marty Balin in the face, lobbed beer cans at people’s heads (concussion time!), and used lead-filled pool cues to shove and prod the crowd. But this abuse wasn’t the worst of it.

By happenstance, the tumultuous scene was captured by filmmakers the Maysles Brothers, who were shooting a concert documentary (Gimme Shelter). In the chilling footage (initially savaged by critics as a glorified snuff film), Jagger implores the Angels to treat the audience with more respect, then distractedly mumbles through “Under My Thumb” as the Angels murder Meredith Hunter, an 18-year-old man who had brandished a gun. Goodbye peace and love.


August 4th, 2008 | 11:15 pm by Kate Spencer (@katespencer)

#56: Alec Baldwin’s Abusive Voicemail Rant

On NBC’s hit sitcom 30 Rock, Oscar/Emmy serial nom Alec Baldwin is straight-up hilarious – but the voicemail recording that leaked in April 2007, featuring the actor verbally assaulting his 12-year-old daughter Ireland, was anything but:

“YOU HAVE MADE AN ASS OUT ME OF FOR THE LAST TIME … PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE … I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE TWELVE OR ELEVEN OR WHATEVER, ARE YOU PIG ENOUGH TO PICK IT UP? I’M A GOOD FATHER, AND YOU’RE A PIG. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. GOOD FATHER. YOU THINK THIS IS ABUSE? YOU THINK THIS IS ABUSE, YOU THOUGHTLESS PAIN IN THE ASS? GET MAD, YOU DAUGHTER-OF-A-BITCH . . . PIG. OH, ALSO, TELL YOUR MOTHER I SAID GO F*CK YOURSELF. This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance.”

This over-the-top, foam-spewing tirade was clearly tied to Alec’s anger at his ex-wife, Kim Basinger. Their 1993 marriage had officially ended in divorce in 2002, and a gag order forbade the feuding stars from discussing their strife in public. He accused Kim of leaking the tape. She denied it. Amid the media jamboree he appeared on The View to express remorse for his brutal rant – and blamed it all on Kim: “I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years,” he said. Miraculously, Baldwin’s career survived the stink, his work on 30 Rock distracting fans from his accidental role as Freakazoid Father.

Has Ireland called him back yet, we wonder?