If a supermodel does cocaine off-camera, did she really do it? Don’t ask Kate Moss! In September 2005 the former Calvin Klein sex goddess was videotaped sniffing the snow at a West London recording studio, with pals including then-boyfriend Pete Doherty of Babyshambles fame. When the amateur video went viral, Moss caught a new nickname: “Cokate.”
Moss’s success in the early ’90s, as poster skeleton for heroin chic, had led Bill Clinton to dis the fashion industry for pushing the anorexic “waif” look. And while she had always denied using coke, in the grainy 2005 video she handles it like a dusty pro — chopping chunks into powder on a CD case and coaxing it into lines with a credit card, smiling all the while. When a less-skilled druggie pal tries to lend a hand, she shoos him away, insisting “I’ll do it, I’ll do it!”
In classic sin-snagged-celeb tradition, Moss immediately apologized to “All The People I Have Let Down.” Contracts with Burberry and H&M were canceled, and she was exiled to Arizona for rehab, causing her to miss her daughter’s third birthday party. The fact that her annual income rose $3 million in 2006 was surely coincidental.
Tom Cruise was once a famous movie star. He made great movies like Risky Business and Top Gun. But then he married Nicole Kidman. Hollywood’s most popular star and a tall blonde Australian? Nobody believed the marriage was real. Tom further alienated his public with his involvement in the Church of Scientology.
Tom put more nails in his own coffin following his 2001 divorce from Kidman. First he dated Penélope Cruz. Hollywood’s most popular star and a Spanish bombshell? Nobody could believe it was real. Cruise further alienated his public when he made movies like Vanilla Sky. Then Cruise dumped Cruz and announced he had fallen in love with Katie Holmes. Hollywood’s most popular star and the beauty from Dawson’s Creek? It stank like a publicity stunt.
But Tom was determined to prove the world wrong. While guesting on Oprah, he got so excited over his romance that he jumped up and down on her couch. “That’s how I feel about it! Really!” he cried. Sorry, Tom. Not buying it. And nobody wants to see a short man acting like a drunk leprechaun.
Cruise went on a rampage. He wagged his finger at Matt Lauer on Today as he preached Scientology’s anti-psychiatry gospel and slammed Brooke Shields for battling depression with meds. With “jumping the couch” entering the lexicon, getting people to see a Tom Cruise movie became a Mission: Impossible. Lions for Lambs was stillborn in theaters, and the upcoming Nazi flick Valkyrie is scheduled to open on the twelfth of never.
Zac Efron, we hope you’ve been paying attention. — Charles Bottomley
Having the Hell’s Angels handle your security is like having Michael Jackson watch your kids – you just know it’ll end badly. In support of their prophetically named 1969 album Let It Bleed, the Rolling Stones snorted and screwed their way across Woodstock era-America before deciding to play a free concert in California. Little did they know the show would climax with the death of a young fan.
Without a venue, the band settled on Altamont, an abandoned speedway, and 400,000 fans showed in just two days. The Angels, allegedly hired for $500 worth of beer, punched Jefferson Airplane lead singer Marty Balin in the face, lobbed beer cans at people’s heads (concussion time!), and used lead-filled pool cues to shove and prod the crowd. But this abuse wasn’t the worst of it.
By happenstance, the tumultuous scene was captured by filmmakers the Maysles Brothers, who were shooting a concert documentary (Gimme Shelter). In the chilling footage (initially savaged by critics as a glorified snuff film), Jagger implores the Angels to treat the audience with more respect, then distractedly mumbles through “Under My Thumb” as the Angels murder Meredith Hunter, an 18-year-old man who had brandished a gun. Goodbye peace and love.
On NBC’s hit sitcom 30 Rock, Oscar/Emmy serial nom Alec Baldwin is straight-up hilarious – but the voicemail recording that leaked in April 2007, featuring the actor verbally assaulting his 12-year-old daughter Ireland, was anything but:
“YOU HAVE MADE AN ASS OUT ME OF FOR THE LAST TIME … PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE … I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE TWELVE OR ELEVEN OR WHATEVER, ARE YOU PIG ENOUGH TO PICK IT UP? I’M A GOOD FATHER, AND YOU’RE A PIG. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. GOOD FATHER. YOU THINK THIS IS ABUSE? YOU THINK THIS IS ABUSE, YOU THOUGHTLESS PAIN IN THE ASS? GET MAD, YOU DAUGHTER-OF-A-BITCH . . . PIG. OH, ALSO, TELL YOUR MOTHER I SAID GO F*CK YOURSELF. This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance.”
This over-the-top, foam-spewing tirade was clearly tied to Alec’s anger at his ex-wife, Kim Basinger. Their 1993 marriage had officially ended in divorce in 2002, and a gag order forbade the feuding stars from discussing their strife in public. He accused Kim of leaking the tape. She denied it. Amid the media jamboree he appeared on The View to express remorse for his brutal rant – and blamed it all on Kim: “I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years,” he said. Miraculously, Baldwin’s career survived the stink, his work on 30 Rock distracting fans from his accidental role as Freakazoid Father.
It’s always the icy fembots. Martha Stewart bewitched a nation with her monotone instructions for wrapping birthday gifts. Then, in 2001, the homemaking empress was toppled from her throne when it emerged she was as crafty at Wall Street fiddles as she was at making prom corsages.
At issue was Martha’s sudden unloading of her ImClone shares the day before an FDA ruling sent the stock into free-fall. “Isn’t it nice to have brokers who tell you those things?” she said. But it sucks when they bring you down with them. The subsequent trial exposed America’s favorite homemaker as a devious scamster.
Likening herself to Nelson Mandela, Martha spent her five-month sentence at West Virginia’s Alderson Federal Prison Camp, scrubbing floors and reacquainting herself with the daily life of women who don’t have a TV show (or K-Mart line). She was called the “Contraband Queen” for making egg salad in her cell. She even suffered the indignity of losing a Christmas decorating contest.
Martha emerged from prison more popular than ever. The Martha Stewart Show returned to the airwaves. She launched her own brand of wine. A Martha Stewart housing development even sprung up in North Carolina. And her clothing line is still available at K-Mart. We love a scandal with a happy ending! — Charles Bottomley
Watch some of Martha’s most embarrassing moments after the jump.
Payback, as Jesus Christ once said, is a bitch. Nobody knows that like Pentecostal preacher Jimmy Swaggart, cousin to Jerry Lee Lewis and the onetime head of a televangelical media empire that took in $150 million a year. In the mid-1980s, more than 2 million saps tuned into the gospel according to Swaggart — who preached against devils like Ozzy Osbourne. Another object of his divine wrath was minister Marvin Gorman, whom Swaggart accused of coveting a fellow pastor’s wife. In turn, Gorman in sicced a P.I. on Swaggart, and in 1988 the holy hypocrite was caught in a Louisiana love-nest with prostitute Debra Murphree.
After apologizing in an apocalyptic on-air meltdown, Swaggart was allowed to keep his TV ministry. But three years later, the California Highway Patrol caught him in a car with a whore of Indio, CA. This time Swaggart refused to say “sorry,” and his family promptly exiled him. Amazingly, the 73-year-old with a hard-on for Armageddon and loose women continues to preach and record gospel albums. — Charles Bottomley
As the old saying goes, politics are dirty. But taking it down to Paris and Britney’s level? That’s just straight up crotch flashin’ nasty. And yet that’s just what presidential nominee Senator John McCain has done in his new ad (watch it above), comparing Barack Obama mania to the paparazzi-fueled hype that surrounds Hollywood’s hottest tramps (who really aren’t all that hot anymore).
John McCain has got to be kidding himself if he thinks anyone is going to believe that Obama is just like Hollywood’s tramp army. Our country digests as many tabloids as they do Big Macs, and we know our celebs! Aside from the fact that Obama’s missing $3000 worth of hair extensions, the only thing this guy has flashed in his life are his fist-bumping skills.
We’ll change our tune when Michelle Obama is replaced by Adnan Ghalib. [via Huffington Post]