While we’re not exactly foaming at the mouth to help these goons achieve their pursuit of 15 more minutes of fame, we are loo-ooo-ooving the craziness Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are coming up with to try to be relevant. Like their claims that they spent $10 million dollars believing the Mayan Apocalypse was drawing near, for example. “We made and spent at least 10 million dollars,” Spencer allegedly told OK! Magazine. “The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.” Of course, Speidi’s End Times shopping spree story is probably slightly less humiliating than the actual story, which is probably that they spent it for no reason. They just dumb. No cataclysmic world catastrophe needed!
Of course, asteroid panic isn’t the only bizarre thing these two claim to be up to. As you might recall, earlier in January Pratt claimed that someone had “stolen” his phone and threatened to leak “intimate photos” of Montag. Haha, okay. Sure, guys! Fortunately that did not happen, perhaps because we already saw a number of Heidi “intimate photos” in Playboy…three years ago. “Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end,” Pratt sighed to OK! “I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.” On the other hand, if Speidi actually did spend all their cash in some kind of End of the World frenzy, that would explain why they are trying to force us to care again. Haha, sorry guys! The gig is up! We will always love and cherish Heidi’s “Body Language,” and this is it as far as you two are concerned.
Hey, remember those two things you hoped to God you would never have to see? Well, it turns out they both exist and could at any point surface on the Internet. They’re like Internet Jaws: you never know when they’re going to strike! First of this evening’s nightmares is a nude vintage sex photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger that surfaced in Penthouse founder Bob Guiccione‘s storage locker, a locker which we’re betting smells so, so, so gross. The New York Post reports that the pic involved the former governor “performing a sex act,” a description we find terrifying in its vagueness. There’s no word as to whether the storage unit’s new owner plans to publish the image, but considering he bought Bob Guccione’s storage unit after the famed pornographer went bankrupt, we’re assuming it’s only a matter of time until we know even more about a man we know way too much about…
As people who remember the scuttlebutt and hullabaloo surrounding Halle Berry‘s topless scene in 2001′s Swordfish, we relish the fact that Berry’s boobs have taken a new career path, one that seems closer to the career path our boobs have chosen. After all, who hasn’t dipped their breasts in guacamole, by accident or on purpose? Don’t lie to us; we know you’ve all been to Chipotle.
Movie 43 director Peter Farrelly revealed the details of Halle’s improvised burrito boob move in his new comedy during his Reddit AMA today. “I was a little nervous about meeting her because her scene is so outrageous and I was afraid she might get on the set and balk. Not only did she not, but she thought the scene was too soft, and asked us to amp it up a little,” he say of Berry. Hey, any Halle news that doesn’t involve Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez beating each other to a pulp is good news to us!
We should have known it was too good to be true. Only Celebrity Gossip Santa himself could have given us a gift as wonderful as Kevin Federline‘s older brother claiming to be the father of Britney Spears‘ eldest son. Us Weekly reported earlier today that Christopher Federline had filed a restraining order against Spears’ on December 18, claiming she had stolen his credit card and made some purchases. In his court papers, he casually mentions the fact that he is the father of Sean Preston. The Smoking Gun now reveals that the court papers were seemingly filed by convicted felon Jonathan Lee Riches. How could we be so gullible? The details of the story alone should have tipped us off that it was fake: Read more…
Just so we’re clear: the only reason anyone would call anyone an ethnic slur is because they are a drooling moron. Beyond that, however, there has to be some kind of reason as to why Ukrainian politician Igor Miroshnichenko would call Ukrainian-born Mila Kunis an anti-Semitic slur. On Facebook. Where other people can read it. According to TMZ, Miroshnichenko wrote that the Ted actress is not a real Ukrainian because she is a “zhydovka,” which is apparently a derogatory slur about a Jewish woman. So again…what? Why would Mila Kunis even come up as a target of hate speech? We go days, sometimes weeks, without thinking of Mila Kunis, and when we do, it almost never ends in a Facebook rant!
Even stranger still is the response of the Ukrainian government after Jewish organizations like the U.S.’s Simon Wiesenthal Center (naturally) took umbrage at the politician’s slur. Apparently the government claimed that there is no scandal because the term “appears in the Ukrainian dictionary as a term for a Jew that isn’t necessarily a slur.” Yeah…we’re pretty sure any word that finishes the thought “you are not a real Ukrainian because you are a ____” is officially an insult. Plus there are plenty of antique race-related words in the English dictionary we would never utter aloud, let alone post it to any social media platform. So we’re back to square one. Any Ukrainian readers want to offer any insight into this hot mess? After you’re done heaving an exhausted sigh?
The 24-hour news cycle can be so cruel. The truth is there are certain stories that deserve to be mulled over. Savored like a fine toilet wine. Leonardo DiCaprio’s love of colonics is a great example. Today’s wonderful story is the rumor that Lindsay Lohan clogged all the toilets on the set of Scary Movie 5. All of them. All the toilets. We know stories like this fade as quickly as summer blossoms, which is a tragedy because we still have so, so many questions about it, like…
Guys, sometimes a piece of gossip comes across our screens that reminds us how truly great life can be. Remember when Kathy Griffin was allegedly dating the Old Spice Guy, or that time CoCo’s butt was answering fan tweets? Today that wonderful rumor concerns how much Leonardo DiCaprioloves getting colonics. “Leo was introduced to them by [former] girlfriend Erin Heatherton and goes to The Piper Center for Eternal Wellness on Spring Street,” a source from the New York-based clinic reported to HuffPo. “While he was dating Erin, he went four times and was last seen leaving the center on Aug. 22, but hasn’t been back since he broke up with Erin.” Ah, the things we do for love. On a semi-related note, the joy we feel must be what the Grinch felt when his heart grew three sizes that day.
The source continued, “Like a lot of guys, Leo took a while to be convinced to try one.” Unlike us ladies, who love getting a hose filled with pressurized water shoved in our poopers! “It can be very embarrassing, but now that he has had one, he loves it,” they claim. He. Loves. It. Maybe it makes us bad people, but we feel like George Bailey running home at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life right now. Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building And Loan! Merry Christmas, Leonardo DiCaprio’s alleged love of manual colon cleansing!
Is there a word for “slightly less horrified than we were before”? No, not “happy” or “pleased.” Something more neutral than that. Maybe “not currently throwing up”? We are currently not throwing up after TMZ reported that Modern Family’s Ariel Winter‘s mom Chrystal Workman has denied attempting to shop around nude photos of her eldest daughter Shanelle. “I have no naked photos of my daughter,” Workman told the site. Well, we guess that’s the best sentence involving the phrase “naked photos of my daughter” we can imagine someone saying. Thank goodness for small blessings!
Yesterday publicist Jonathan Haycame forward claiming the Workman had allegedly come to him hoping to release said naked photos to the media. We’re not exactly sure why anyone would ever do such a noxious thing, but we assume it would hypothetically have something to do with the fact Shanelle was awarded guardianship of Ariel. Also, maybe the devil would have something to do with it? Hay claims he refused Workman’s request. Best case scenario: Hay made all this up and Ariel and Shanelle only have worry about those…previous…abuse allegations. Worst case scenario: well, there’s a reason we have a legal system. And a gag reflex. And common human decency.
You’re tearing us apart, Lindsay! We’ve never made a movie, let alone a teaser trailer, but the new noir teaser trailer for Lindsay Lohan‘s The Canyons bares a striking resemblance to 2003′s The Room, an erotic thriller directed by Tommy Wiseau and beloved by b-movie fans everywhere. Because it’s so over-the-top terrible. We’re not saying the movies are in any way alike. We’re just saying some of their similarities include:
The dialogue: “No one has a private life anymore, Tara,” James Deen spits. “Hoo boy,” we say out loud at our computer screens.
The actual film: We’re hoping it’s just because the teaser is in black and white, but the Canyons footage itself kind of looks like an episode of Two And A Half Men. Why…why is that?
That one guy’s tank top and that other guy’s backward baseball cap: The costuming looks like they stole several key pieces from the wardrobe department at The Room, aka Tommy Wiseau’s dressing room!
Someone is using a land line: What is this, 2003? The year Tommy Wiseau made The Room?
Honestly, terrible camp might not be a bad route to take when it comes to Lilo’s career. This can be Lindsay’s midnight movie classic, the film she made right before rocking back to the A-list with…um, Lifetime’s Liz & Dick. Okay, so maybe this movie is actually a comedy and we’ll all be pleasantly surprised by how self-aware it is? The “twitter-obsessed” Bret Easton Ellis jib and “never-nominated” credits give us hope. Either way, we’ll all find out soon enough. Thanks a lot. Bye!
You know you’re in for it when a celebrity posts a rant entitled “THE LOST SACRED SCRIPTURES OF THE TRUE HOLY GRAIL.” Especially when that celebrity is Tila Tequila. And the rant is about the Illuminati and the “true Christmas story.” Lordy. While her website is now just a series of anti-Illuminati rants at this point, she kicked off the whole screed with a post entitled “DEAR ILLUMINATI F—S: I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.” Honestly, it’s gonna take you quite a while to get through the whole business, so let us highlight what we felt to be the most interesting tidbits to be learned from Tila’s musings.