You know you’re in for it when a celebrity posts a rant entitled “THE LOST SACRED SCRIPTURES OF THE TRUE HOLY GRAIL.” Especially when that celebrity is Tila Tequila. And the rant is about the Illuminati and the “true Christmas story.” Lordy. While her website is now just a series of anti-Illuminati rants at this point, she kicked off the whole screed with a post entitled “DEAR ILLUMINATI F—S: I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.” Honestly, it’s gonna take you quite a while to get through the whole business, so let us highlight what we felt to be the most interesting tidbits to be learned from Tila’s musings.
No offense to Lena Dunham, but we think it’s Olivia Wilde is who really deserves millions of dollars to dole out humorous life advice in some kind of whimsical book of essays. The Tron actress has long been delightfully open about everything from her divorce to her…well, mainly her divorce, but she really presented the world with some news it could use onstage at last night’s These Girls event at Joe’s Pub in New York. Like how her “vagina died” at the end of her first marriage. Vulture was there and grabbed some of the most helpful tidbits from Wilde’s…well, we’re going to say lady advice rant. We imagine it was delivered as a rant:
On knowing your marriage is over: “And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”
On keeping the spark alive: “In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta!”
Well…Anna Kendrick sure can sing, right guys? That’s the one thing we can say about this vintage video of the Pitch Perfectstar belting out Cabaret’s “Life Upon The Wicked Stage” at Carnegie Hall’s “My Favorite Broadway: Leading Ladies” as a 13-year-old. Ignoring the fact that a grown woman sings this song in the musical (which we could not), there are about 1 million upsetting details about the video that make us happy and surprised that Anna Kendrick turned out to be a semi-normal adult. Details like…
That bizarre outfit: Was there a gas leak in the wardrobe department? Though really, what would have looked more appropriate next to Madonna-style satin lingerie? Oh, right…nothing.
The Japanese subtitles: Unless the subtitles explain something about the video we don’t know (for example, perhaps it was filmed in Nathan Lane‘s nightmare), any Japanese viewer would have to be twice as confused as we are.
So. much. armpit. hair. We don’t mean to hate on body hair, but it really adds to the Twin Peaks vibe of the whole video. Now that we think about it…every aspect of the backup dancers is jarring. For example…
All the pelvic thrusting.
The lighting design. Did the Joker do the set design and lighting for this show?
The fact that the audience is laughing. Rather than immediately stepping into the lobby to call the police. See, we couldn’t even narrow it down to five!
Can Madonna not hear herself when she talks or something? That’s the only way we can explain how her compliments manage to go so terribly wrong. “Ya’ll better vote for f—ing Obama, okay? For better or for worse, we have a black Muslim in the White House.” Madge explained during her concert at the Verizon Center in D.C. last night. ” Now that is some s-–. That’s some amazing s-–. It means there is hope in this country. And Obama is fighting for gay rights, okay? So support the man, god damn it!” Hey, we all anticipate the day we’ll have a black Muslim LGBT supporter in the White House (just as we look forward to the first female president, and the first Asian-American President, and the first Latino president and…) but in case you just woke up from a five-year coma, President Obama isn’t a Muslim! He’s also spent way too many man-hours convincing people of that the things he says about himself are true. Oh Madonna, how did your endorsement manage to worse than no endorsement at all?
Now that we think about it, Madge has been paying a lot of compl-insults lately. “You wanna know something? I love her. I love her. I do love her. Imitation is the highest form of flattery,” Madge said about Lady Gaga during an Atlantic City show earlier this month. “But one day, very soon, we’re going to be on stage together. Just you wait. You think I’m kidding? I love Lady Gaga.” Wow, we’d hate to see what happens when Madonna tries to tell her kids she loves them. “I love you, I do. You can’t tie your shoes or ride a bike, but Mummy loves you. For better or for worse, you’re too short to make your own lunch, so I made it for you!”
It’s not so much the “ignoring thousands of years of evolutionary programming and cultural taboos” aspect that startles us about director Nick Cassavetes‘ defense of incest. It’s more that The Notebook director would defend it out loud. To a reporter. Out loud. “Who gives a s— if people judge you?” Cassavetes declared to TheWrap while discussing his new film Yellow at the Toronto Film Festival. “I’m not saying this is an absolute but in a way, if you’re not having kids – who gives a damn? Love who you want. Isn’t that what we say? Gay marriage – love who you want? If it’s your brother or sister it’s super-weird, but if you look at it, you’re not hurting anybody except every single person who freaks out because you’re in love with one another.” And he had to compare it to gay marriage, didn’t he?
We can think of at least one difference between the two (the difference being that one is incest), but maybe the Hangover Part II actor just felt the need to defend the subject matter of his upcoming film, costarring Melanie Griffith and Sienna Miller? Of course, Cassavetes wouldn’t be the first celebrity to make a jaw-dropping statement in public. In fact, he merely joins the pantheon of baffling celeb quotes such as:
Clear out your desk, James Franco! Looks we got a regular Daniel Day Lewis on our hands. (Gangs of New York Daniel Day Lewis, not My Left Foot Daniel Day Lewis. Let’s not get crazy.) You know who is getting crazy, though? Shia LaBeouf, as he tries out a bunch of edgy method acting techniques like actually dropping acid for an LSD scene in his upcoming flick The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman. “There’s a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there’s a way to be on acid,” the actor told USA Today about the experience. “What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that [electric] chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to.” Jeez Franco, how are you going to top this? Drinking a little salvia in About Cherry just isn’t going to cut it next to Shia!
LaBeouf’s intensity seems to have started with his naked Sigor Rus video, and the nudity has only continued. “I don’t know what’s going to be asked of me,” the actor said of having actual sex in Lars Von Trier‘s upcoming Nymphomaniac. “But I’m willing to do whatever is asked of me to get closer to the truth that’s on the page.” Frankly, that makes the fact LaBeouf was drunk while shooting Lawless look downright normal. “He says go off for five minutes through the woods and get there,” Shia said of director John Hillcoat instructing him to booze it up. “It took away a lot of my inhibitions, just made it easy to actually be in the scene, and in the moment.” Cut to Jame Franco frantically researching whether he can somehow give birth on-camera. If anyone can do it, it’s you, James. It’s you.
Some days, there is so much foolishness going on in the world, it’s all we can do not to collapse onto our fainting couches and fan ourselves with one hand. That was our immediate reaction upon reading that Olympic gold medal winner Gabby Douglas had to deal with racism from her fellow gymnasts on her way to the top. “I felt [I was] being bullied,” Douglas revealed to Oprah on yesterday’s Oprah’s Next Chapter about her time training at her home gym in Virginia Beach. When her teammates were asked to scrape the balance bar, for example, “They’re like, ‘Why doesn’t Gabby do it? She’s our slave.” Great slavery joke, you guys! If only you were as good at being a human being as you are on the uneven bars!
Recalled Gabby, “I definitely felt isolated. I felt, ‘Why am I deserving this? Is it because I’m black?’ Those thoughts would go through my mind.” Of course, we probably shouldn’t be too surprised that the Olympic gymnast had to deal with all this; the kerfuffle over Gabby Douglas’ hair during the Olympics made our eyes roll so far back into our heads, we had to use a dust buster to pull them out. Eventually the bullying got so bad, Gabby’s mom Natalie Hawkins explained, “She said, ‘I’d rather quit. If I can’t move and train and get another coach, I’d rather quit the sport.'” Luckily Gabby was able to move to a gym in Iowa to work with Shawn Johnson‘s coach Liang Chow, and the rest is history. It is literally world history, and no one can take that away from her. Meanwhile, if we were Gabby, we’d be so tempted to slowly drive past our old gym wearing our gold medal, but she’s probably way too classy for that.
Looks like February 2013 already has a new break-out star! And by “break out star,” we mean a star that makes us want to break out of our skin and plunge into the void of insanity! We guess that’s kind of the point, seeing as how Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace‘s upcoming erotic thriller Passionlooks like a cross between Basic Instinct, Eyes Wide Shut, and Halloween H20: Return of Mike Myers. According to IMDB, the Prometheus actress and The Vow star get their freak on in every sense of the word as “[a] young businesswoman [who] plots murderous revenge after her boss and mentor steals her idea.” Their IMDB page also has an additional photo of the mask, and it is making us want to scream forever. Those lips! This horrible, glorious lips!
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the mask seems to have a pivotal role in the movie! People are wearing it to make love to Rachel McAdams, they’re showing it to people, they’re wearing it while holding some kind of knife. Seriously, take a look and tell us you aren’t filled with terror at that mask. We’ll be right here, too scared to move:
Guys…what? That isMatthew McConaughey escorting the lovely pregnant Camila Alves to the Killer Joe premiere in New York last night, right? If we didn’t know better, we’d have guessed it was Oscars producer Brian Graser. Or E.T. Or something a grizzled sea captain would whittle out of a piece of driftwood. We guess what we’re saying is, everyone has that one angle that doesn’t work in photographs. So what do you do if your head suddenly has 30 more angles than it normally does?
But don’t worry, everybody. No need to dust off your VHS copy of For The Love of Nancy just yet. McConaughey’s drastic new look is just due to weightloss for his upcoming role as HIV patient Ron Woodruff in the biopic The Dallas Buyers Club; after contracting the illness in the ’80s, Woodruff went on to start an underground AIDS/HIV support network. “I’m losing some weight,” the actor told Larry Kingon his new webseriesLarry King Now last week. “I’ve got a role coming up in the middle of September. I’ve lost about 15 pounds, I’ve gotta lose about 15 more.” Added McConaughey, “I should not look healthy by the time I’m doing this.” We’ll say! The man can’t look unrecognizable in every photo…can he?
Look, we believed it when Courtney Stodden became a vegetarian because she didn’t want to “eat anything with a face.” That made sense to us. We believed it when she writhed around on her kitchen linoleum in an attempt to make “floor flashing” happen. We use Twitter; it could have caught on. We even believed it when she married Doug Hutchison despite the fact that she’s a minor and he’s that scary liver-eating guy from The X-Files. Fine! Sure! We accept the things we cannot change, but we cannot suspendour disbelief any longer when we see Courtney Stodden hack up a hair ball and eat cat food while dressed as Hello Kitty in the video she posted today. We cannot abide such a violation to our sense of logic. This has to be a part of her fine arts dissertation, right? Or at least one epically convoluted episode of Punk’d? If not, we have past beyond the bonds of reality and into Courtney’s world!
Now, it would be one kind of unsettling thing if our favorite teenage bride just acted like a sexy cat and dubbed in meowing later. But when she shuffles her Lucite stilettos around in that litter box? Courtney deserves an A on the performance art thesis she’s been crafting this entire time. A grad school project would make a lot of sense, wouldn’t it? A lot more sense than what appears to be actually happening?