by (@hallekiefer)

Courtney Stodden’s Funny Or Die Video: Sort Of Clever Or Deeply Unnerving?

Courtney Stodden‘s Funny Or Die video is funny, right? It’s also really weird and uncomfortable and off-putting, correct? In the video which premiered today, Courtney and husband Doug Hutchison riff on their reputation as the world’s most inappropriate couple with Jason Alexander‘s talk show host Danny Clay. If only it had stopped there. Or before it started. Call us old-fashioned, but we personally do not want to watch any Seinfeld star act like a total pervert toward a teenage girl. Jason made a great creep in Pretty Woman, but we’re past that nowm as a culture. Some other bizarre elements of the video we’d like you to consider include:

  • Jason Alexander’s toupee.
  • Courtney’s coat.
  • Jason Alexander ogling Courtney’s bikini-clad chesticles with a phone for some reason.
  • Jason Alexander’s toupee.
  • The fact that Courtney is only 17-years old (Note: not necessarily specific to this video).
  • Doug’s expressionless face being smacked over and over again.
  • The fact that Courtney and Doug somehow seem like the most normal elements of this sketch.
  • Jason. Alexander’s. Toupee.

That being said, we did love Doug’s claim that they made out at his Uncle Stevie’s funeral. Haha, those two would! They really would! Maybe if Courtney and Doug had just made some more, increasingly inappropriate romantic claims, this video wouldn’t have turned out so cringe-worthy. Claims like, “We’re so in love, we eat each other’s fingernail clippings!,” because, according to them, they are. And as far as we know…they do.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jen Aniston’s Former Agent Suggested She Request Brad Pitt’s Sperm

Jennifer Aniston‘s former agent Sue Mengers was just saying what we’re all thinking when she allegedly advised the Wanderlust star to finagle a little genetic material from ex Brad Pitt. According to an article penned by writer Mauren Dowd for the New York Times Magazine, Jen’s late great agent allegedly advised the actress to lock down the paternity of her kids, despite the fact that she and her ex were no longer an item. “After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm,” Down writes. We’re sure Jen (and Justin Theroux) is glad she didn’t take Mengers’ insane advice, though you know those kids would have been the cutest chubby blond angels. What? We’re just saying! We, and probably Jen’s mom, are just saying!

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kanye Fantasizes About All The “World Leaders” At His Fantasy Funeral

Kanye West: He’s just saying what we’re all thinking … unfortunately. Sure, everyone has grandiose daydreams about how much the planet will miss them when they go, but most of us have the common sense not to say them out loud. Kanye, on the other hand, has yet another beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy he’d like to share, this time involving all the political heavyweights that will bawl their eyes out when he passes. “I was just thinking about my funeral and stuff a couple days ago and thinking who would be at the funeral,” the rapper said in an interview given for fan site VOYR. Kanye, stop there! Stop while you’re ahead/not coming off like a complete narcissist!

But West continued, “People who I want to be in the funeral. I wanna have world leaders that were, like, affected, that said, you know, ‘Kanye gave me my shot here.’ Or, ‘He pushed me,’ or, ‘He told me to believe in myself,’ or, ‘When I saw this, it made me feel like that.’ I wanna affect people like that when I, like, pass away.” So, which world leaders need Kanye to give them a shot? Do we have a total misunderstanding of global politics? Are we to believe that if Kanye West just went into Israel and Palestine and grabbed the mics out of everybody’s hand, we could have peace in the Middle East? Kanye is the greatest statesman of all time! Of all time!

by (@hallekiefer)

Crazed Fan Bites Britney Spears During Concert Lap Dance

Britney Spears does you the courtesy of picking you out of the crowd, tying you up with a boa and sitting your shoulders, and this is how you repay her? While performing in Rio de Janeiro on the Brazilian leg of her tour last night, BritBrit apparently invited a young man to join her for a spin on the pole, only to have him sink his crazy fan teeth into her calf. After straddling gentlemen like Joe Jonas and Pauly D during her performances, Britney clearly did not expect that she’d end up contemplating a rabies shot. The look of total shock and horror on Britney’s face, plus the howl of disgust from the crowd, really says it all: dude, YOU BLEW IT.

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Nic Cage Bought A $2000 Steak Knife, And 10 More Reasons Why He’s Broke

Last we heard about Nicolas Cage’s finances, he was going broke and banks were auctioning off several of his foreclosed New Orleans mansions. He even resorted to suing his money gurus for fraud and for placing him in “numerous highly speculative and risky real estate investments” that have lead him to the brink of “financial ruin.” But we guess that’s all over now, because Nic just shelled out $2000 for a steak knife! But to be fair, this isn’t just any old piece of cutlery. It’s a custom-made 4-inch Don Dezarn with a bald eagle carved into an ivory handle! The knife is apparently meant as a decorative collectable, but Nic told shop keepers at the Alaska shop that he actually intends to use the piece to cut his meat. That sounds just like the deliciously crazy Nicolas Cage that we know and love. Check the gallery below for more outrageous purchases that probably didn’t help with Nic’s financial ruin!

[Photo: Getty Images]

View Photo Gallery

by (@hallekiefer)

Hilary Swank Dumped By PR Team Over Birthday Party Controversy

Hilary Swank, this Chechen birthday party scandal came out of nowhere! Almost as surprising as, say, hearing Justin Bieber get busted for international espionage, Entertainment Weekly reports that the New Year’s Eve star got dropped by her PR team 42West after attending festivities honoring alleged human rights violator Ramzan Kadyrov earlier this month. This news is almost as shocking as when Hilary momentarily tried to have a rom-com career. Did anyone actually see P.S. I Love You? Anyone at all?

The company reportedly dumped Swank after the two parties disagreed on how to handle the fallout of the birthday scandal, which involved Hilary accepting money to speak at the leader’s shindig. The Academy Award-winner also reportedly fired her manager Jason Weinberg over the controversy, in addition to promising to donate her speaking fee to charity. Wow. Who knew that, when Hilary isn’t playing tough characters with extremely defined jawlines, she’s a seriously trouble starter. You might as well have told us Swank was involved in a steroid scandal or something. No, don’t tell us! We don’t want to know!

by (@hallekiefer)

Tiger Woods’ Hot Dog Assailant Inspired By Drive

Call us crazy, but the only thoughts we had while watching Drive last weekend were 1) how do we get Ryan Gosling to kiss us on the mouth and 2) Do you think he’ll let us borrow that jacket? He would, right? He seems like a nice guy. Now we find that, not only did the Drive trailer baffle at least one audience member, but it also inspired some meat-related crime! Meat-related crime against Tiger Woods!

In a sad attempt to be a real human being and a real hero, Tiger Woods hot dog hurler Brandon Kelly apparently chucked said wiener at the golfer during the Open, telling police later, “I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie Drive. As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'” Wow,  we must have been in the bathroom for that scene. Watching Ryan hurl a brat in slow motion at a professional golfer would have been the only thing that could have made that movie better.

by (@hallekiefer)

We Have Some Questions About Tareq Salahi’s Plan To Sell His Wife’s Undies

Apparently former reality star and all-around fame hog Tareq Salahi plans to sell his wife’s underwear for charity, and well, we have a couple questions about that. No, our queries don’t include things like, “Dear God, why?” or “Do you really think this is the best way to respond to your soon-to-be-ex-spouse Michaele Salahi’s affair with Journey guitarist Neal Schon?” because really, what would Tareq even say to that? Instead our inquiries include:

  1. What kind of shameless pervert would spend his or her hard-earned money on a pair of undies worn by a Real Housewife of D.C.? Jersey, we can understand, but D.C.?
  2. How much are those undies going for? We have a whole mess of student loans to pay off, and we bet we can finagle a cameo onto RHONY.
  3. According to Tareq’s ex-manager Gina Rodriguez, who quit over his unsettling plan, Salahi plans to donate 10% of his proceeds to Make A Wish Foundation and Comic Relief. Did he plan to take those organizations down with him, or is that just incidental?
  4. Doesn’t Tareq know the end of the world isn’t supposed to start until 2012? Let’s not do anything to make us wish it was sooner.

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Someone Covered Justin Theroux’s Motorcycle With Bologna During The Night

It sounds like a horror story: you wake up one morning, go to your garage, and you find your car completely covered with processed lunch meat. Oh the humanity! We know you’re thinking, “That’s pretty awful, but it’ll never happen to me. I live in a nice vegetarian neighborhood.” But it can happen to you! Just ask Justin Theroux, who discovered that some NYC prankster covered his prized BMW motorcycle with bologna! Oh man…couldn’t they have at least sprung for something quality, like hickory smoked ham?

The malicious meat-ing took place last night as the motorcycle was parked outside BF Jennifer Aniston’s West Village apartment. It was discovered by a neighbor early this morning, who told the New York Post that the bike was covered from seat to handlebars with at least twenty-five slices of “what clearly was bologna.” The bike was reportedly fine otherwise, and had been cleaned and ready to roll by 8 AM. But still, the culprit and motive are both still a mystery. “I got the impression it was some weird message, like, ‘You’re full of bologna,’ ” the neighbor admitted to the Post. No arrests have been made, but police have called Oscar Mayer in for questioning.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Gary Busey And Ted Haggard To Trade Spouses On Celebrity Wife Swap

Sometimes we have to take our little blogger porkpie hats off and bow from the waist in praise of the reality show gods, because we never would have thought to pair Gary Busy and Ted Haggard on Celebrity Wife Swap. A thousand monkeys typing for a thousand years never would have come up with that idea. Except apparently they did, and now ABC is putting it on the air.

While Busey has made a career out of reality show gigs like Celebrity Rehab and Celebrity Apprentice in the past few years, Ted Haggard is probably best known for losing his reputation as an evangelical pastor after he was found to have visited a male prostitute. Also know as reality TV gold. The real question is, why on earth would Gary’s partner Steffanie Sampson or Gayle Haggard agree to go along with it? And since they are, can we please see a show starring those one thousand monkeys next?