Yes, we’ve heard about Taylor Swift‘s new song “Dear John,” read the lyrics and devoured web coverage of the sappy, whiny heartbreak jam. The song title and lyrics, combined with this quote in which Taylor describes the targets of her new songs as “very clear,” has lead the world to believe that “Dear John” is indeed about Mr. Sexual Napalm himself. Here’s part of the “Dear John” chorus for you to ponder:
I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should’ve known.
It was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.
My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret
I ignored what they said ‘Run as fast as you can.”
But we don’t want to jump to conclusions and point fingers at Mayer without exploring other possible scenarios behind Taylor’s latest lovesick song. Let’s review some other options, shall we?
1. John, 32, performed the booty call version of a dine and ditch on 19-year-old Taylor and she wrote a song calling him out on it. What this means: John is gross for banging a kid 13 years his junior, Taylor is gross for banging a guy gross enough to bang a girl 13 years his junior, Mama Swift was aware of the whole thing. Clues: The song title, rumors the pair got a little too close last spring, and the fact that TSwift’s songs are painfully literal. (She has a song on her new album called “Mean,” about…someone who was mean to her. Genius.)
Bwah ha ha ha ha. There, that felt good. Yes, t’was our reaction to John Mayer‘s declaration that he closed his Twitter account to focus on creating “lasting art.” Blogs music’s most entitled bard, “no artwork created by someone with a healthy grasp of social media thus far has proven to be anything other than disposable.”
He adds, “Those who decide to remain offline will make better work than those online. Why? Because great ideas have to gather.” Fair enough. But isn’t it somewhat hilarious that Johnny made this declaration on his Tumblr blog, yet another social media site? He may have quit Twitter, but he’s still stuck in the social media trenches. Dare we suggest that blogging, such as John is wont to do, takes up even more of the precious time he could spend on the creation of masterpieces like “Your Body is a Wonderland?” Clearly one can only pen brilliant lyrics like, “Girls become lovers who turn into mothers” when closed off from all digital communication. So shouldn’t he shut down completely?
Not. Again. We recently gave John Mayer a pass for ripping the Huffington Post over a story about his alleged reunion with Jen, but that one Hail Mary does not wipe out his multitude of sins. Apparently his sexual napalm is still exploding, and one person who seemingly can’t get enough of it is Jennifer Aniston. These two have broken up like what… twice, already?
So question is, did he finally figure out that she’s “the Joshua Tree of vaginas”? Because they are allegedly back together again (hold your horses). Now John said HuffPo was “full of sh*t” for writing that John and Jen were back together, but RadarOnline is also now reporting that Jen hung out at John’s show last Wednesday in Atlanta, where she’s filming Wanderlust. A source reported, “She looked gorgeous and seemed to be really enjoying herself. She and John laughed a lot.”
Why does her lust keep wandering to where Johnnie is? Right, they’re just hanging out. Just friends. Happen to be in the same city… yadayadayadayada. Props to her for looking gorgeous in work out clothes and a baseball cap, because that’s what she was wearing at the show. Looks like her body really is a wonderland! Yes, we actually said that.
It’s only fitting that John Mayer, one of the first high-profile celebrity Twitterers, would be one of the first to decide its time has passed. “I just think twitter as a form of communication, I think it’s over to be honest with you,” he recently explained at an ASCAP conference. “I would rather see twitter be a cork board of links to other more important things, because it’s really sort of flawed from the beginning. I can’t tell you how many times I meet people or I’m having dinner with people who write stuff and they get upset they have haters now, like, `Why do I want to invent more reasons to have haters?’”
Why, indeed. Mayer has certainly learned his lesson the hard way, having blamed his break with Jennifer Aniston on his love for social networking. But with Mayer’s last tweet dropping a full week ago (and that was just to retweet Jim Carrey), it looks like Mayer may be getting over his addiction. “I might as well spend that time making a sandwich or building a model ship or something. My challenge going forward is to basically disregard the need, the obsessive need for external validation.” Big words coming from a guy on stage. But does he have a point or is he just blaming the device for his own big mouth?
In her interview with Oprah Winfrey, set to air today, Simpson explained that she was definitely upset by Mayer’s comments saying “I’m a little bit angry. I guess I could have been a lot worse.” (Uh, how much worse?) However, Simpson is actually reaping some benefits from what was said about her too, telling Opes that as far as her dating life is concerned “My phone is ringing off the hook, I have to say.” Funny, we were pitying her this whole time and never even considered the up side. Work that napalm, Jess! [Photo: Getty Images]
Oh, John Mayer. We know you’re trying to make amends with the world now, but really, you need to be quiet for like five seconds because you’re too easy a target right now.
Last night at a show at New York’s Madison Square Garden, Mayer managed to pinch out a thank you to his fans, telling the crowd “I hate to come off like an a**hole ever, and thank you guys for believing that I am not an a**hole. Never, ever in my entire life did I ever think that it would be a good idea to be an a**hole. But you know what? There’s plenty of a**holes who think the same thing, so I have to thank you… It’s a clean me now, people, clean me.” See, what we got from that was “Clean me now, people. I hate to come off. A**hole!” Granted, we’re doing a little word scramble but if you glance at the quote reallyreallyfast, you’ll see it too.
This is a man who claims to have a decent sense of humor, how could he not realize that those of us with juvenile minds would get a decent chuckle out of that? [Photo: Getty Images]
Suggesting rock may well be dead, the red carpet at last night’s NME Awards was filled with zombified corpses, trudging past the cameras in the clothes they were buried in. While comedian Noel Fielding put the most effort into his ghoulish appearance (we always wondered what the vampire son of Keith Moon and Groucho Marx would look like), the award for Zombie Prom queen still has to go to Courtney Love, whose Twitter is putting Tila Tequila‘s to shame thanks to incoherent missives to fellow NME attendees Ke$ha, Lily Allen and Slash, alleged friend Katy Perry(run, girl!), and a long rumination about “hatef—ing” John Mayer. Hope you like your sexting sloppy!
do you ever feel like spite hate f—ing @johncmayer just to put hi in his place, hes a better guitarist than me but not better in bed !/but like say your f—ing @johncmayer totally throwing him around the room in bits and then you just BAM punch him in the face? good times/ oh dudes Mayers a little bland for me and youngish ill do young, but hes neither Yale Harvard Oxford and hes not really rock, so not for me/ hate f—ing is an art like “the pit” meaning you rape each other and then beat the s— our of each other so u can feel s—/ gentle “lovemaking” isnt really great for a grat tuetonic queen who likes to dominate and everyonece in a blue moon allows some dominance
Mayer has so far shown impressive restraint, only sharing classy black-and-white photos and brief variations on “great show, (town I just played!)” with his online followers. But you ignoring this must be a struggle.
See what Ke$ha, Allen, Agyness Deyn and others wore to the NME’s zombie jamboree in the gallery below.
This video of John Mayer performing in Philadelphia this week answers one of life’s burning questions: who the hell actually goes to John Mayer concerts? The answer: 11 year old kids and their moms. John brought such a youngster up onstage at his show Sunday night, after he spotted the kid in the audience holding a sign that read, “Can I play “Belief” with you?”
John grabbed wee New Jersey boy Austin Christy from the crowd of 25,000 and jammed with the tween per his request. He later gifted Austin an autographed guitar, a gesture that so moved this kid’s mom, she wrote this note to the singer: “John made an 11-year-old’s dream come true. John gave him the guitar after the show and we needed security to get out of the stadium.”
John Mayer’s racist, sex-filled Playboy interview has the singer riding the D-List express, and once you’re on the train to Celebrity No Man’s Land, it’s hard to hop off. Normally when stars screw up they seek redemption in Oprah Winfrey‘s arms, but a source tells PopEater she’s basically banned the singer from her show. “Oprah is the smartest person on TV and will not let John use her or her show to ask for forgiveness. If John really wants to apologize for his racist and sexist comments, he should find somewhere else. The only way Oprah, who is a dear friend of Jennifer Aniston, would ever book him is if John were interested in having a much deeper conversation about race, women and fame.”