Hey, remember those two things you hoped to God you would never have to see? Well, it turns out they both exist and could at any point surface on the Internet. They’re like Internet Jaws: you never know when they’re going to strike! First of this evening’s nightmares is a nude vintage sex photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger that surfaced in Penthouse founder Bob Guiccione‘s storage locker, a locker which we’re betting smells so, so, so gross. The New York Post reports that the pic involved the former governor “performing a sex act,” a description we find terrifying in its vagueness. There’s no word as to whether the storage unit’s new owner plans to publish the image, but considering he bought Bob Guccione’s storage unit after the famed pornographer went bankrupt, we’re assuming it’s only a matter of time until we know even more about a man we know way too much about…
Darth Vader should’ve been played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. We know this now, thanks to a video that dubs Arnold’s voice over Darth’s and by staring at the crappy Photoshop (see above) for way too long. It’s important to note that Darth Veder is German for “Darth Father” and Arnold Schwarzenegger is also German. It makes perfect sense.
The prized (and proof!) video is after the jump.
As is pretty inevitable with any remake, this week’s hot new release Total Recall is currently undergoing a million and a half comparisons to the 1990 original. Both movies, based on a Philip K. Dick story called “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale,” concern a man named Douglas Quaid who is plagued by disturbing nightmares and visits a service called Rekall that promises to improve your life by implanting new memories into your brain. Both movies also star an incredibly good-looking cast that make us look forward to a future in which everyone’s bodies will be perfectly toned. Since we’ve yet to catch the new flick, we here at VH1 Celebrity are going to tackle this comparison a little differently: by superficially comparing stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone and Rachel Ticotin to Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel. Oh, and we haven’t forgotten baddies Ronny Cox and Bryan Cranston, and all-important three-breasted women Lycia Naff and Kaitlyn Neeb.
This could be your most important decision of the day, so examine these photos closely and then tell us…
[Photos: Columbia Tristar Pictures]
We’re about halfway through Day 2 of of Comic-Con 2012, but it already feels like we’ve had a week’s worth of news. From the Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 panel yesterday (squee!) to the release of the new trailer for Oz: The Great & Powerful to Dawn of the Con and our chat with Rob Zombie, it’s been a whirlwind experience already. While you should be following us at @vh1celebrity to keep up with all the great stuff that our own Sabrina Rojas-Weiss and Kate Spencer are spotting in the huge hallways of the convention center, here’s a few examples of the star wattage —Michelle Williams! Taylor Lautner! The (Former) Governator!—that’s descended upon San Diego this weekend.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Have you ever spent all day reading gossip blogs and magazines and watching reality TV, only to fall asleep and dream that the likes of Kim Kardashian and Macaulay Culkin have leapt from the screen and into your life. And then when you wake up, you’re kind of left with this feeling that you might actually be friends with famous people. It’s especially good if this celebrity overload is because you’re home with a fever of some kind. No? Just us?
Anyway, this actual real-life lawsuit a friend of a friend brought to our attention today, filed Monday in the real-life United States District Court, Eastern District of California, reads exactly like one of those fever dreams. The plaintiff is seeking restraining orders against Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kim Kardashian and Conrad Murray. Because, um, he saw Kim have sex with Murray at Michael Jackson‘s house, thus distracting the doctor and causing MJ’s death. “Macaulay Culkin was with me and is a witness.” Also, Governor Arnold was blackmailing Kardashian into having sex with him, and was punched by Barry Bonds because he’d been promised pardon in exchange for signed bats and a James Bond DVD. And Kim is pen pals with Bernie Madoff. We could go on, but we feel the fever coming back. Read for yourself:
Some fathers know best, and other fathers know hookers. Some fathers play golf, and others play the field. Some dads mow the lawn, and others mow down mailboxes with their Mercedes while drinking and driving. Some fathers make plans to take their wives out for dinner, while others make plans to “take their wives out.” And then there are some dads who pretend they’re not dads at all! Think we’re kidding? We wish.
It’s safe to say that not all fathers know best. Just look at Michael Lohan, Jon Gosselin, Mel Gibson, and other guys we wouldn’t trust with a pair of scissors, not to mention a kid! So join us this Father’s Day while we count down the 15 worst pops of all, ranked by the standard unit of bad dads: the Michael Lohan. If your face is in the gallery below, you’re probably not getting a tie for Father’s Day this year.
[Photo: Getty Images]
15. Joe Simpson
14. Eddie Murphy
13. Bruce Jenner
12. Jude Law
11. Mel Gibson
10. Ryan O’Neal
9. Tiger Woods
8. Jon Gosselin
7. Arnold Schwarzenegger
6. Mathew Knowles
5. Charlie Sheen
4. Joe Jackson
3. Michael Lohan
2. O.J. Simpson
1. John Phillips
What’s hot, hard, and runs on Windows XP or higher? It’s robots of course! Our artificially intelligent friends have been heating up screens both large and small with their lab-crafted good looks for decades. They may not have feelings, but then again we’ve always been attracted to emotional unavailability. From Weird Science‘s Kelly LeBrock and Jude Law in A.I. to Jeri Ryan in Star Trek: Voyager and even that Svedka Vodka ad, you don’t have to be well versed in C++ or QBasic to appreciate the sizzling appeal of these machines!
Ridley Scott’s latest epic Prometheus opens wide today, starring Michael Fassbender as hunky android David. We haven’t seen it yet, but we think he’s definitely in the running for one of the hottest robots in pop culture history. But there are so many to choose from! Check out the gallery below for our list of the 20 sexiest robots of all time. With hot bots like these, who needs humans? Did we miss any? Disagree with our ranking? Let us know in the comments!
[Photo: 20th Century Fox]
When we first saw this picture of big screen action legends Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone posing in twin hospital beds, we assumed it was a promo for the biggest bummer buddy movie ever. But sadly, it appears that Sly and The Governator really are laid up. “After all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting The Expendables 2 and The Last Stand, it was time for a little tune up on my shoulder,” Arnold wrote when he posted this photo to his website. All of you who read that caption in his trademark “Ah-Nuld Voice”, raise your hands. We thought so.
Stallone happened to be visiting the hospital at the same time to get fixed up from a rematch with Apollo Creed (we imagine). We guess it’s nice that the old friends are doing stuff together…we just wish it didn’t include surgeries. It’s way too real. Get well soon, guys! The aging stars are set to team up outside the recovery room to film The Tomb this spring. We’ll be happier for that reunion.
[Photo: Arnold Schwarzenegger's Who Say]
Love never dies, but it sure took a battering this year! Celebrity couples of every age and stripe dropped like flies in 2011! From long-term unions like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, all the way down to the ones that can be measured in a television season (*cough* Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries *cough*), Hollywood could have used a giant couples’ therapy session. There were affairs, secret children, super fights, Twitter drama, ugly court cases and sometimes all of those combined. For these couples it wasn’t domestic bliss but domestic blitz! But don’t feel bad if you’ve made the list, guys. Just think of it as a giant singles ad. (You’re welcome!)
As the great philosopher Pat Benatar once said, “Love is a battlefield.” Check out some of this year’s casualties of Cupid in the gallery below. It’s truly a star-studded cast, with Marc Anthony and J.Lo, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis, Demi and Ashton and oh so many more. Pick up your crazy hearts and try again in ’12, folks!
[Photo: Getty Images]
In the age of Twitter, it’s pretty amazing that more celebrities aren’t putting their foot in it these days. But enough of our favorite (or least favorite) actors, musicians and other public figures managed to say and do the kind of awful things that simultaneously give publicists strokes and keep them in business. After those awful things come the kind of public apologies that make us cringe, squirm and thank god we’re not in their shoes. From Chris Brown to Gilbert Gottfried, Arnold Schwarzenegger to Lea Michele, Hilary Swank to Mythbusters, we had a lot of Schadenfreude to enjoy in 2011. We’re pretty sure the culprits would like us to forget these moments, but here’s a little gallery to remind you:
Did we leave out one of your faves? Share it in the comments!
[Photos: NBC, Getty Images]