Jessica Simpson has made a second career out of ripping farts and making barfs and telling us all about them, so why should the gift of motherhood change her beautiful openness in any way? “I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” Jessica laughed about her massive baby belly on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE! last night. “Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!” Annnnnnd does anyone want the rest of our Jamba Juice? No, seriously, we aren’t going to finish it. Or any other liquid. Ever again.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Now, keeping that hilariously graphic mental image in mind, please listen to the (NSFW) verse Drake wrote specifically for his new GQ interview, during which he discusses his…uh…special relationship with Lil Wayne. “It’s just the industry’s small, we all lust for the same women,” he raps. “You know the ones we saw before we came in it, I know we aint tripping/ I know I got a couple things that Lil Wayne dipped in, ain’t ashamed to admit it.” Drake! Come on! First you romance us with wine and a waterfall, now you’re acting straight-up disgusting. We have to go take a shower forever, but in the meantime, tell us: which celeb story is more TMI?
Paula Abdul, we can barely remember a time when you weren’t gently crushing people’s dreams on TV somewhere. Don’t make us go back to those dark days! Unfortunately, it’s official: Paula, fellow judge Nicole Scherzinger and host Steve Jones will not be returning for The X-Factor‘s second season, leaving Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid as the only returning castmembers. “Yes, it’s true; I won’t be returning to The X Factor next season. I’ve learned through my longevity in this industry that business decisions often times override personal considerations,” Abdul said as part of a statement this afternoon. Oh, how it hurts! Like they’re canceling Hey Paula all over again!
So who should take over for Paula and Nicole when it comes to dismissing mediocre 13-year-olds next fall? Luckily there were plenty of names thrown around last year as potential judges that we think would still be a perfect fit. All we need is the sweet, vaguely maternal judge (Mariah Carey, finally?), a judge who weeps uncontrollably (Jessica Simpson?) and an attractive if somewhat robotic British host (C-3PO?). While some of these options might seem like a pipe dreams (C-3P0 hasn’t worked in years), we wouldn’t be surprised if Simon managed to land some impressively big talent for the show. Who do you think should fill Paula and Nicole’s shoes on the show?
What did we do before celebrities found out about Twitter? Whether it’s hot bodies in bikinis, hot bodies out of bikinis, scabs, famous people without makeup or ill-advised tattoos, 2011 was a great year for celebrity TMI tweets. Everyone from Gaga and Kanye to Katy Perry and Mariah Carey wanted to share the inside of their hearts (and pants and bathroom stalls) with the world. Not that we want them to stop, mind you! Not like we would ever want them to stop. In the meantime, check out the 28 Best TwitPics of 2011: Because you can’t untweet something once it’s been tweeted, no matter how hard you try.
Jessica Simpson was almost too much mama to fit into her grey leopard print minidress today while out and about in New York City. We know she said it was just excessive sweat, but between her massive, um, assets and spiked heels, Jessica really does have that pregnant glow. The kind of pregnant glow we’d want to have, anyway. Oh right, and Ashlee Simpson was there too. Just kidding! Between Ashlee’s canary-yellow collar, Bronx‘s adorable fedora-ble and Jessica’s prenatal sheen, they can probably hear our admiring squees down in Soho. Your adorableness can’t run from us, Simpson family! Your shoes are much, much too high for that!
OK, so Jason Bateman and Olivia Wilde’s fish-mouth kiss happened while filming The Longest Week in Brooklyn today, rather than, say, during a romantic date to the aquarium. That being said, that is truly one awkward lip lock. Are we all supposed to be opening our jaws that wide? Have we been doing it wrong this entire time? While we might personally prefer to do our weird, uncomfortable smooching in the privacy of our own homes, we do enjoy cringing at awkward PDAs, provided there are famous peeps involved. With that in mind, please enjoy some of our favorite awkward celeb PDAs. You know they did.
Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy was only announced a few weeks ago, and already the singer is planning how to shed that post-baby weight. Oh, and how to rake in millions upon millions of dollars doing it. Hey, if people are going to be talking about Jessica Simpson’s weight (which you know they will be), she might as well get that money, yes? Yes. According to Us Magazine, Jessica was allegedly in talks to become a Weight Watchers spokesperson prior to her baby time news. “But then she got pregnant,” their source says. “So this was the perfect compromise.” Like current spokesdiva Jennifer Hudson, Simpson would have a year to “lose a significant amount of weight” before raking in the dough. Wow, can you imagine how motivated we would be to hit the gym if someone danged $4 million in front of the treadmill? We’re not saying we would actually go either way. We’re just saying: wow.
Jessica Simpson, you need to get on your game! Everyone knows the point of having an adorable baby with your gorgeous husband is to show all your exes how great your life is! Oh, and to create a family to love and cherish forever. Regardless!
Jessica Simpson’s alleged baby bump might be obvious to anyone with eyes to see, but it’s her ex Tony Romo’s baby who got an official announcement out there first. “Um, no, I don’t have any kids. I’ve actually got one on the way. My wife’s pregnant.,” Romo told a cheering crowd of kids while visiting Cedar Hill High School outside of Dallas today. See, Jessica! You could have had an auditorium full of ninth graders cheering for your fetus! Granted Romo and Simpson split back in 2009 and probably don’t even think about each other anymore, but what about us? Jessica had better pop that sucker out first, is all we’re saying. Do it for the fans!
Ok, for real this time. Whisperings of Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy have been circulating for months, especially lately as the singer has been seen out and about wearing very loose fitting tops over her teeny short-shorts. But now inTouch Weekly is reporting that the singer is indeed pregnant with fiance Eric Johnson’s baby! The couple recently attended Eric’s 32nd birthday party, where Jessica reportedly refused her glass of champaign for the birthday toast. An insider says that Jessica has an extra special bday gift for her soon-to-be-hubby: a first born!
Despite this, the two still plan to wed this November. “Jessica might have to take out her dress a bit,” the source admitted to in Touch. They went on to claim that the bundle is due in spring. “She’s already having kooky cravings!” Her chow of choice? Nacho chips dipped in chocolate. They apparently satisfy her urge for salty and sweet. Hmmm, we’ve never thought of that, but we’d try it. Someone should open up a restaurant with a menu of pregnant woman flavor combos. Write this down people, this is gold. Oh, and congrats to the (reportedly) new parents to-be!
It looks like Nicole Richie had herself a late birthday party, and this one was bikini themed! The socialite spent this weekend south of the border in Los Cabos, Mexico, where some famous friends joined her poolside. Ashlee Simpson showed up in a tiny-weeny black polka-dot bikini (had to), while Sam Ronson went with a more pink and blue tie-dye style. Ashlee’s sister Jessica Simpson also attended, but she apparently didn’t get the memo and forgot her two-piece. *Sigh* We’ll let it slide this time, Jessica. But do it again and you’re off the guest list. Check out more in the gallery below!
After tabloids reported that she’d downsize her D-cups, Jessica Simpson has taken to her Twitter to blast those rumors with a dose of self confidence, and some truly priceless boob-themed puns. “Been getting lots of questions about this alleged breast reduction,” she wrote yesterday. “Not t0 w0rry…I LOVE MY BOOBIES!! They aren’t going anywhere!” Yes Jessica, we were allÃ‚Â very concerned. Stories have been making the rounds that the elder Simpson sis would reduce her bust to prep for her wedding with NFL star Eric Johnson. “She thinks if she downsizes her breasts she will look smaller,” a source told InTouch Weekly. “She’s never loved having a huge chest.” But Jessica made boobs of them *zing* by insisting that these ta-ta tales are nothing but false.Ã‚Â “It’s UDDERly not true!” she wrote.Ã‚Â “Breast assured everyone!” Damn it Jess, you’ve out-punned us!