by (@shalapitcher)

Honey Boo Boo, Chris Brown And Panem: 10 Signs The Mayan Apocalypse Really Should Happen Now

Chris Brown's tattoo, Honey Boo Boo-inspired porn among the 10 reasons the world should just end already

So folks at NASA and archaeologists and real news reporters are trying to tell everyone to simmer down about the apocalypse coming on December 21, because of science and stuff. But we’re beginning to suspect differently. Even if the Mayans themselves didn’t think the end of the 13th baktun (things we’ve learned this week!) didn’t actually meant the end of the world, we’ve noticed some signs that really, we should just give up and retreat to our bunkers right now. Let us count down our top 10:

Gossip Girl

10. Gossip Girl was Dan Humphrey all along! (And also, everyone on the island was dead!) Oof. The resolutions of series-long mysteries are never as good as we want them to be, probably much like the answers to life’s big questions. Bleh.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

9. All the hip-hop greats are running corporations, starring on reality-TV shows or dating the stars of reality-TV shows. Not that they shouldn’t trade thug life for the good life, but did they have to sell their artistic souls in the process?
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by (@hallekiefer)

Apologies To Will Ferrell, But His New Dad ‘Stache Must Join Our 10 Worst Celeb Mustaches

Wille Ferrell Sports Mustache In Miami

Good lord! That’s the most severe case of Dad ‘Stache we’ve ever seen! Will Ferrell was spotted at Art Basel in Miami this week, wearing what we can only assume is a costume for his upcoming role as a wise old fisherman. Or our uncle from Chicago. Our wise, old fisherman uncle from Chicago. Seeing as how the SNL alum is usually clean-shaven/the star of our elaborate Anchorman-themed fantasies, these photos go to show the devastation a bad mustache can bring to a celebrity’s handsome face. Ferrell obviously isn’t the only one to suffer a terrible lip rug, as our 10 Worst Celeb Mustaches can attest. Michael Cera? James Franco? Mickey Rourke? We don’t know why a line of hair can make so much of a difference, but it does. A terrible, terrible difference.

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[Photo: Getty Images/ Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

The 10 Most Festively Bizarre Things About The John Travolta/Olivia Newton-John Music Video

Looks like Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa came early this year! Or, if you celebrate Eid al-Fitr, super late! Whatever faith tradition you belong to, we can guarantee you’ll still be baffled by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John‘s video for their new holiday classic “I Think You Might Like It.” Great Christmas song title, you guys! It goes without saying that there is a variety of weirdnesses going on in the self-made video, but we tried to isolate the 10 weirdest for you to wrap your holiday-loving brain around:

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by (@shalapitcher)

Kirstie Alley Didn’t Have An Affair Affair With Travolta, But She Is The Ultimate Shipper

Oh good, we can stop picturing Kirstie Alley and John Travolta having hot Scientologist sex now. Oh, wait, that image is already burned into our heads forever, even though Alley says it never happened. And actually, she never DID say it happened, even though the second we all saw quotes about her Look Who’s Talking co-star being the “greatest love” of her life, that’s what we assumed. Actually, she told Jimmy Kimmel last night, their relationship was never sexual, nor was her loving friendship with Patrick Swayze.

“Can I just clarify? They were not sexual affairs,” she said. “I didn’t say the word affair ever. … John Travolta is and has remained one of my best friends for almost 25, 26 years — before he was married, but I was married. But I fell in love with him.”

Actually, she said the feeling was mutual, and it evolved into a “beautiful friendship” between her, John and his wife, Kelly Preston. She even got their blessing to write about all this in her book (the reason she’s doing all these weird interviews), The Art of Men (I Prefer Mine al Dente).

What’s really interesting, however, is that she also basically confirms everything us regular people assume about every single on-screen couple: that it’s impossible for them not to fall in love IRL. Read more…

by (@lindseyweber)

Kirstie Alley Interrupts Election Night To Tell Everyone John Travolta Isn’t Gay

We don’t know about you, but we were fully focused on last night’s election tallies. As was, we noted, most of America. Our Twitter feed scrolled faster than ever before, as the country collectively chattered about the impending results. Meanwhile, smack in the middle of all the politics, comes a tweet from The Hollywood Reporter: “@KirstieAlley Fell in Love With Patrick Swayze, John Travolta While Married to Parker Stevenson.” WHAAAAAAT?! Hold the polls, America, Kirstie Alley is (in her very own special way) is deciding that now is the time to share with the world that John Travolta is not gay. Mind you, this is the same night that Americans voted for legalizing gay marriage in Maine

“I know John. With all my heart and soul, he’s not gay,” says Alley, who is a devoted Scientologist, along with Travolta. “I think it’s some weird way, in Hollywood, if someone gets big enough and famous enough, and they’re not out doing drugs and they’re not womanizing, what do you say about them?”

True, Travolta has not been womanizing.  But he has allegedly been doing the opposite of womanizing (manizing?), per reports that he grabbed the junk of a masseuse back in May. Well, it’s up to you decide if you believe this and if you’re going to buy Kirstie’s new book, The Art of Men (I Prefer Mine al Dente), but just imagine if these two had actually shacked up in real life! It’s a dream lost, along with the dream that we’d give birth to a child with the voice of Bruce Willis.

[Photo: Getty Images & Kirstie Alley’s Twitter]

by (@hallekiefer)

John Travolta’s Toxic Avenger Remake Might Be The Only Way To Get Us Back On The Travolta Train

John Travolta Connected To Toxic Avenger Remake

Choo choo! The John Travolta train is rolling into the station! As you might remember, the train had been driven out of the station earlier this summer, conducted by a motley crew of enraged masseurs. The controversy swirling around Travolta has since died down, but we’d be lying if we didn’t admit it had left a bad taste in our mouth. Now that taste can be replaced with toxic slime! Oh wait…that’s still gross. Whatever, we’ll deal with the acrid burning as long as rumors about John Travolta allegedly joining the cast of the Toxic Avenger remake is true!

For anyone who is unfamiliar with the 1984 Troma Entertainment classic, IMDB’s description says it all: “The Toxic Avenger is born when mop boy Melvin Junko falls into a vat of toxic waste. Now evildoers will have a lot to lose.” According to The Grid, Travolta has signed on as an actor. “Action-comedy remake in the vein of THE MASK… he’s an environmental superhero…doesn’t want it to be campy…,” the site reveals about the film. We doubt Travolta will actually be playing the Avenger himself (every action movie needs a villain, after all), but wouldn’t that be an amazing step forward on our journey to loving John Travolta again? Especially if he also never, ever, ever gets another massage as long as he lives?

[Photo: Troma Entertainment/ Getty Images]


John Travolta, Kelly Preston Try To Kiss Our Spa Memories Away


All eyes were on John Travolta and Kelly Preston at Monday’s premiere of Savages in Los Angeles, but not just for the reasons you’d think. Sure it was their first public appearance as a couple since the latest round of massage lawsuits against the actor, but Travolta and his wife of 21 years, seemed to want to change the story entirely by giving us a big PDA show.

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The latest allegations against him seem to have taken curiosity about Travolta’s sex life to new levels. Here’s a little recap of the scandals that have followed the actor since May: Two unnamed masseurs charged him with sexual harassment and battery. Though these two men have since asked to dismiss their cases after holes became apparent in their claims, both have hired attorney Gloria Allred. And now other accusers have come forth, including Fabian Zanzi, a Royal Caribbean cruise steward who also contends Travolta asked and received an inappropriate neck message from him. Robert Randolph, the author of You’ll Never Spa in This Town Again is also suing Travolta for supposedly trying to discredit him as an author. Randolph argues that Travolta and his lawyer, Marty Singer, slandered him in attempts to undercut his book’s claims that Travolta was a gay spa frequenter who hooked up with other male spa visitors.

So, yeah, maybe it’s a good idea for Travolta to stay closer to Preston and away from cozy spa robes.

[Photos: Getty Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Leonardo DiCaprio Is Actually A Time Traveling Vampiress

Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike found in yearbook

This just in from the reliable news source that we call the World Wide Web: Leonardo DiCaprio is actually a time traveling she-vampire from the 1960s. We know, we were surprised too! But the evidence is pretty convincing. See for yourself in the photo above! On the right is standard issue Leo circa 1996. And on the left is a photo found by a Tumblogger in her grandmother’s vintage yearbook, depicting a woman known as Judy Zipper in 1960. The resemblance is pretty eerie. That smile, those mischievous eyes, it’s all pure DiCaprio! Or should we say, pure Zipper…? Who knows when he switched genders, but we’re guessing it was sometime in the 1980s.

This is not the first case of Hollywood celebs turning out to be time traveling swashbucklers. Nicolas Cage was famously outed as a time-traveling vampire last fall, and a photo of John Travolta in 1860 turned up on eBay around the same time. Thank god we have the internet to expose all of these era-jumping Oscar-nominated immortals! But the important question is, what do they want? Elaborate tombs for resting? The blood of masseurs? Outrageously expensive hybrid cars? We may never know. Maybe they just want a part in Twilight?

[Photo: Tumblr/Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

John Travolta’s Lawyer Denies Paying Off Accusers After John Doe #2 Asks That Case Be Dismissed

John Travolta's Lawyer Denies Paying Off Accusers

We hadn’t hear any untoward accusations about why John Travolta‘s second accuser dropped his case today. Looks like his lawyer is just hoping to beat everyone to the punch! “Not one penny has been paid nor do we have any intention to pay any money for these ridiculous and false claims,” Travolta’s lawyer Marty Singer told TMZ, after the unnamed masseur asked that his charges against the actor be dismissed. Well, thanks for pointing out what definitely didn’t happen, sir! If you have any ideas about what actually did happen, or why this insane parade of cringe-worthy accusations seems to be without end, please let us know!

Besides, it’s not as if either of Travolta’s alleged victims are giving up on their claims entirely, a move which might have suggested some shady under-the-massage-table dealings. Two days after the actor’s first accuser dropped his case and hired attorney Gloria Allred, the second has done exactly the same thing. “I’m looking forward to trying the case against Gloria Allred in a court of law, not in the media,” Singer said of the unnamed man’s decision.

Meanwhile there are at least two other accusers floating around, as well as an extremely questionable story out of the National Enquirer from a massage therapist alleging that he had a sexual encounter with Travolta in 1997. “We got into the bed that was right next to the massage table and had a really good time,” Luis Gozalez claimed to the magazine. Wow, hard to head off out-of-the-blue accusations like that! There has to be some evidence that Travolta didn’t spend the last 25 years exclusively getting massaged, right? Marty? Anyone? Hello?

[Photo: Getty Images]