HEY, L.A. — are you ready for Lindsay Lohan? Because she sure as hell wasn’t ready for you. Seriously, if L.L. had her way, she’d still be in New York, shopping in SoHo while pretending to be sick with the ‘flu. L.L was supposed to be in L.A. to make a court date today, and we’re losing count of the reasons why — we’re guessing this was for her car accident last year. But the wacktress tried to wiggle out of making her court appearance, as did her new lawyer, Mark Heller, by submitting a doctor’s note saying Lindz was too ill to fly with an “upper respiratory infection.” We would have been inclined to somewhat believe her had she not been photographed on her shopping spree, smoking, the very same day. Basically, it’s “my dog ate my homework.”
Anyhoo, the judge would have none of it, and TMZ gave L.L. a heads-up that she would be arrested if she wouldn’t show. So the end result is, the photograph you see above is of Lindsay at JFK about to fly American Airlines first class to L.A. to make that court date. Now, will she make the morning call time? Will there be a tyre puncture? Or getting locked in her bathroom? Or some other excuse? We’ll have to wait and see this A.M. Her new lawyer hasn’t even been approved by the judge yet to represent Lindsay, so there’s a lot that could go wrong today.
Let’s be real, shall we? Some of the Mean Girls actors have moved on to better things. Amanda Seyfried has literally blown up in the past six months (well, not literally), Rachel McAdams is firmly on the A-list and Tina Fey is now writing a Mean Girls musical with her musician husband Jeff Richmond, which is pretty much the pinnacle of human achievement. “I’m trying to develop it with my husband, who does all the music for 30 Rock and I think Paramount’s onboard,” Fey told E! at the SAG Awards. After gushing about her love of Mariah Carey, Tina added, “Maybe she can play Amy Poehler’s part in the musical.” Oh wow, Mariah singing “You Girls Keep Me Young” with a Chihuahua chewing up her bazooms would go perfectly with the show-stopping number “The Limit Does Not Exist” and the Unfriendly Black Hotties choir. (Yes, we’ve been writing this musical in our heads for the past eight years. What’s your point?)
It’s impossible not to be fascinated by the story of Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o and his made-up girlfriend. Whether he was a victim or a co-conspirator in this whole deal, he’s got to be feeling pretty crappy today. Along with all the reporters who never bothered to check whether the girlfriend who tragically died the day before Manti’s big game last year ever existed before reporting on her death. But we can think of a handful of people who must be positively overjoyed about this story:
5. Nev Schulman, the star of MTV’s Catfish. Since Te’o and his school are claiming this was all an elaborate hoax, he is basically the highest profile victim of a “Catfish” scheme, and now we all know what that means. This is the best publicity for Schulman’s show, which follows people as they find out the shocking truth behind the person they met and fell in love with online.
4. Michael Lohan. We still think he’s a terrible person, but we’ve already basically forgotten yesterday’s story in Star, which quoted Lohan as saying Lindsay was getting paid to date very rich men. He later told TMZ that he was misquoted — Lindsay makes cash for her public appearances, not for escorting dudes — but we had already moved on to this Manti thing. Either way, he benefits.
3. Lindsay Lohan. For a minute she doesn’t seem like the worst decision maker on the planet. Read more…
Well this just makes us want to burst into tears and watch The Parent Trap over and over in mourning for the pair of adorable little wise-crackin’ red-headed girls. Why, you ask? Because that pair of red-headed girls has grown up to become a single red-headed train-wreck called Lindsay Lohan, who is now reduced to being a high-priced escort. At least that’s if you believe her dad Michael, who has taken his bold claims to Star Magazine.
“She is getting paid to date rich men,” says the always quotable Mike. “Dina [her mother] is pimping her out – it’s disgusting!” The article goes on the quote another source with “insider” knowledge on all things Lohan. ”The dates last for days, and the guys pay for everything -hotel, travel costs, food, whatever- as well as jewelry and other gifts.” Some of the evidence does seem pretty damming. The financially strapped actress did indeed spend the New Years holiday with Prince Haji Abdul Azim of Brunei, for which she reportedly earned “at least $100,000″ plus assorted pricey gifts like iPads and more jewelry. And then there was the time she dated that 40-year-old billionaire named Vikram Chatwal.
In the latest in her long line of bad decisions, Lindsay Lohan fired her long time (and long suffering lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley, who has defended her through her epic legal battles. What the hell could Ms. Holley have done to get the ol’ heave ho from Lindsay? Did she hit on that dude from the Wanted? Did she say that Liz & Dick sucked worse than I Know Who Killed Me and Chapter 27 combined!? Nope: She was on her way to the courthouse to broker a deal with the judge that would get he out of jail time in exchange for going to rehab. Ahh. So, she was doing her job well. Got it.
TMZ is reporting that Holley was literally en route to the Santa Monica City Attorney to seal a plea bargain stemming from Lindsay lying to police after a car accident in June of last year. The attorney was apparently warm to the idea of letting Lindsay go in exchange for 6 months of “lockdown rehab,” but before Shawn could pull the trigger on the deal, she got 86′d by Lilo in exchange for a new lawyer. Who is this new hired hand, you ask? Well, he apparently got banned from practicing law for a spell in the 90s. Now that sounds more like Lindsay’s style!
It’s a trick question! They’re both depressing, not to mention terrifically gauche! After reading that bonkers New York Times Magazine article about the film last week, we were all set to see Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons. (Though…is it even going to be released in theaters? It seems more like The Room than, say, The Sessions.) We liked the idea that Canyons would be be a campy bit of noir, but we are out after seeing the movie’s most recent clip. We have absolutely no interest in seeing anyone shove Lindsay Lohan to the ground and scream insults in her face. Could we honestly follow Lindsay’s sad, tumultuous off-screen life, and then be entertained watching costar James Deen physical and emotionally berate her onscreen? Nope! Oh, and did we mention Lindsay’s extremely labored breathing during most of the clip? Not interested in that darkness, thanks! Call us when they make Freaky Friday 2 and we’ll be the first in line, guaranteed!
Wow. As much as we blog about celebrity gossip, rarely do we get a chance to peak behind the veil created by publicists, managers and, well, the stars themselves. It’s only when certain celebrities can’t control themselves do we get a hint at the chaos behind the scenes. While writer Stephen Rodrick doesn’t discuss any of Lindsay Lohan‘s recent emergenices/run-ins with the law in his in-depth article “Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan In Your Movie,” his piece about Lilo’s most recent film The Canyons with director Paul Schrader and co-star James Deen is still fascinating, baffling and, let’s be honest, utterly heart-breaking. The whole thing is worth a read, but we selected the most gasp-inducing moments from the story for you to peruse in the meantime:
We’re still waiting for someone to tell us that InAPPropriate Comedy is actually an elaborate hoax (is it some April Fools-like holiday we’ve forgotten about?), because it’s too hard to believe that it’s actually real. It basically makes Scary Movie and Movie 43 look like Lincoln. As we watched the red-band trailer (after the jump, due to NSFW content) with our mouths hanging open, these are the questions that immediately came to mind:
1. Really, someone gave Vince Offer, the ShamWow/Slap Chop guy money to make a movie?
2. Does Rob Schneider need the money this badly?
3. Adrien Brody, did you lose a bet or something? Did you forget that you’re hot and won an Oscar? Read more…
Dina and Lindsay Lohan in 1986, following the alleged assault.
After Dina Lohan went to the New York Daily News with her story about how ex-husband Michael Lohan assaulted her in 1986 and raped her in 1990, Lindsay’s mother gave Entertainment Tonightthree photos of herself with a black eye following the 1986 incident. Dina had actually spoken to the show back in September about the abuse, but the photos seem to have caught everyone’s attention now. And Michael Lohan, of course, was quick to respond.
“I didn’t punch her,” Michael told ET, reiterating his version of the incident, which he said started when Dina hit him in the back of the head with an ice tray. “I didn’t do anything deliberately to attack her. I swung out of reflex … she’s twisting everything.”
We kind of fail to see how swinging “out of reflex” is any less of an assault to a woman, by the way, especially when this reflex results in the black eye we see above. But since it’s a little too late for Dina to do anything about this, we do see his point that her timing is suspiciously self-serving. Ugh, they are both the worst.
As Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer headed to court today for a hearing on charges she assaulted a woman in a Manhattan night club in November, her mother has brought to light a very different defense of the troubled 26-year-old. And it actually makes a lot of sense to us, in the saddest way. Dina Lohan went to the New York Daily News on Sunday with her story of how ex-husband Michael Lohan abused and raped her in the late ’80s and early ’90s, and brought along police reports and medical documents to prove it.
“Lindsay saw her dad abuse me — that’s why she’s so screwed up,” Dina told the paper. She described how Michael punched her in the eye during a drive home after he been drinking and snorting cocaine. She also told of a time her husband raped her in her parents’ home, where she and her kids were living apart from him. On both occasions, Dina didn’t press charges because Michael was heading to prison for fraud and insider trading. Read more…