Let’s start out with the best quote from Zac Efron’s new interview in the September issue of Details: “‘Oh…my…God,’ Efron says with a gasp. ‘It’s like the best…orgasm…ever! And I just keep coming!” Unfortunately Zac was only describing running water over his poison oak rash. How disappointing.

Luckily for us, the essay is more than just six pages of getting us worked up over nothing; it also paints an interesting portrait of a Disney star on the verge of becoming a legitimate actor. As Zac enters his “Not A Boy, Not Yet Our Boyfriend” stage of life, he has to some how negotiate how to go from dribbling synchronized basketballs in a choreographed musical number to…well, literally anything else. But how does one get a career that is more Johnny Depp than Joey Lawrence (Just kidding. Watch The Manny this fall on ABC Family!) And what about Kirk Cameron? WHAT ABOUT KIRK CAMERON?

While we’re all pretty sure Zac was created at the Harvard Lab for Perfect Boyfriend Research, its going to take something of an image make-over to ensure he won’t end up crammed in a studio apartment with Freddie Prinze Jr. and Scott Wolf (Party of Five? Ring any bells?). 17 Again and Charlie St. Cloud director Burr Steers describes having to wring the Mickey Mouse out of his star, explaining ”It’s something you go through with a lot of these young Disney actors. Teaching them that when they’re acting, they don’t need to worry so much about being polite.” Some have even suggested that Efron’s recent romp with a cadre of strippers was a deliberate move to distance himself from his baby-faced roots. Hopefully his latest movie, Charlie St. Cloud, will help him do the same.  Maybe “Zac Efron” didn’t immediately scream “crazy loner who can see the ghost of his little brother” before, but it sure does now! Efron also passed on a role in the upcoming Footloose remake, thus showing wisdom beyond his years.

So who should Efrom take his career cues from? He doesn’t really have the comedic chops of former teen stars Will Smith or Jason Bateman, at least that we’ve seen. And whatever he does, he shouldn’t try to out Pattinson Robert Pattinson. It just can’t be done. Have you seen that kid brood? Forget it. Our advice for the next wave of the Zac attack? Follow Tom Cruise’s career path….up to a point. Maybe Zac isn’t the funniest guy in the room, but he works like a machine, and has enough charisma and self-confidence keep our eyes vacuum-sealed to the screen every time. So go ahead, branch out into roles where you play the twitchy weirdo, maybe even go to Cruise’s for a motorcycle ride or two. Just whatever you do, steer clear of Scientology. Do you hear us? Don’t even go there.