by (@hallekiefer)

DMX Admits He Doesn’t Know How To Google Himself, Might Literally Be Your Great Aunt

We don’t know how exactly to put this, but we’ve been gathering evidence (mainly from this Grantland post) and we’ve come to the conclusion that the rapper DMX might actually your great aunt on your father’s side. As suggested by a recent interview with Power 105.1, DMX too is charmingly perplexed by computers and the Internet. Other than his history of drug possession and animal cruelty, DMX and your great aunt could be twins! Let’s break down the facts, shall we? Both DMX and your great aunt…

  1. Love pairing a gigantic diamond cross necklace with t-shirts.
  2. Are open enough to admit, “I don’t even know how to use the computer.”
  3. Are stubborn enough to declare, “I don’t want to learn how to use the computer.”
  4. Generally seem baffled by the computer, describing it as “scary.”
  5. Don’t know you have to hit Enter when Googling and we are dying now.
  6. While unfamiliar with the Rainbow Wheel of Death, know instinctively to hate it: “I don’t have patience for s— like that.”
  7. Don’t seem to mind when content editor Vanessa Denis publicly chastises them for reaching for the wrong mouse.
  8. Act like computers, Google and technology are so preposterous, no adult should be expected to master them, claiming “That’s like something you call somebody, like a baby ‘goo-goo’ — it’s weird.”
  9. Once vacuumed a nightclub just to be nice.

On the other hand…DMX claims “I know how to do it on a phone,” which is proof positive he and your great aunt are not literally inhabiting the same body. Other than that, the case is still open. We were going to say this video opens up a whole line of questioning about what DMX’s life is like, but we’re pretty sure we have an idea: infinite soft caramels, microwavable socks and all the Dateline episodes a person could want. All of which sounds way better than the Internet 99% of the time.

by (@missmuttoo)

DMX At Your Service, Helps Vacuum A Nightclub

DMX likes to get down and … not dirty. Just last week, the rapper helped a fan clean up a Waffle House. As in, he took a mop from his hands and swabbed the whole place. At 4 a.m. The good deeds continued as TMZ reports that DMX vacuumed a carpet at a nightclub called Club Universal in South Carolina over the weekend. We hope he didn’t forget to give his halo a spritz as well. Apparently, cleaning is one of his things and he explained, “Broom, vacuum, mop, whatever … it’s a rewarding experience.” Cutting to the chase, he also laid it down with, “What can I say? I like clean s—t and the supplies were available.” Who would have thought it — DMX, cleaning up America, one city at a time.

by (@missmuttoo)

DMX’s Good Deed For The Day: Mopping A Waffle House!

DMX lent a hand to a fan yesterday, proving that however many times he predictably winds up in trouble with the law, he can still surprise us in other ways. TMZ reports that the rapper popped into Waffle House after attending a Halloween party at a nearby strip club. It was around 4 a.m. at the time, and one of the workers mopping the floor happened to mention that he was a big fan of the musician. So, DMX decided to grab the dude’s mop and cleaned the entire restaurant.

DMX explains, “I was in a good mood and felt that I would do that for him, since it was 4 a.m. and [the employee] had been working all night. The minute you get too big to mop a floor or wipe a counter, that’s the exact minute you have life f—ed up.” It’s great to see DMX in the news for something positive!

by (@missmuttoo)

DMX Back To Where He Started… Jail

dmxmainimage

We would not want to be in DMX‘s shoes right now. Here’s what’s happening in a nutshell:

In terms of the scales, he’s tipped way up crap-creek. And in a funny way, he’s coming full circle slammer-style. Look at his pattern: He was sentenced to jail earlier this year in March because he violated probation. And he was in the clink for verbally threatening a guard during his jail sentence last year while he was in for drug possession, animal cruelty and theft.

A 2002 reckless driving sentence was the original criminal culprit. DMX was smart enough not to contest the crime, which earned him probation. Unfortunately, he wasn’t smart enough to not screw up his probation terms…AGAIN. It’s like DMX deja-vu! He’s back in jail for 90 days.

Question is, will he managed to pull a Lohan and get out early? They both got the same 3 month term. Maybe his prison will be overcrowded too?

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

DMX Out Of Prison And Out Of His Marriage

Some people just can’t catch a break. Rapper and actor DMX was just released from jail a little over two weeks ago. Coming home hasn’t exactly been ideal, as DMX and his wife,Tashera Simmons, have now separated.  Earl Simmons (that’s his real name) was arrested in Phoenix for bail violation earlier this year. He was on probation for verbally threatening a guard during his jail sentence last year for drug possession, animal cruelty and theft.

The now ex-couple was married in 1999 and while it’s admirable that she’s stuck around for all the trouble – and there’s been plenty – her next course of action seems a bit… off. She’s planning a new reality TV series, which will show her putting her life back together with their four children post-split. The show will explain how they’ve coped “with a husband and a father that has let them down over and over again.”

She’s also writing a tell-all book about her life with DMX. Do you hear that sound? We thought we heard something that sounded like Ka-ching!

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Rapper DMX Sues For Royalties

DMX

He may be in jail, but that hasn’t stopped rapper DMX from suing Rich Kid Entertainment for $ 1 million. The company has apparently ripped him off in royalties. The charges are that Rich Kid took 100% of the funds from a contract that was signed a decade ago. They were apparently only supposed to take a 10% cut. D’oh!

The suit, filed in the Manhattan Supreme Court under his real name Earl Simmons,  says, “DMX has sold over 30 million albums worldwide and has had No. 1 singles and albums on the Billboard charts, which in turn have generated a great amount of revenue for Defendants, but has left [DMX] with nothing.” DMX has got into trouble with the law numerous times for drugs, theft, animal cruelty and refusing to put his safety belt on while in a plane.

[Photo: GettyImages]